Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

2022, been here an hour. Lost a filling...

I want to write some kind of joyous post for the new year, but I am sorry I just can't. And I know that sucks but it is what it is. The trauma calendars starting all over again and it feels like a doom clock starting to spin once again.

Was talking about my grandparents old house, the strange layout for the bedrooms. And it suddenly hit me there was a bathroom with a shower on that second floor. I hated that shower and that bathroom with a passion. Hated. Still do. It's another place in my life with the dark aura of layered nightmares. My parents went away for a long weekend once, left my sister and I there. I remember being desperate to leave, so so desperate to leave. I was terrified, once again *sighs*. I seem to have spent a lot of my life terrified, wonder when it stopped being fear and just became normal.

My therapist asked me how I was going to deal with a man touching me as I want a breast reduction, I told her I thought I would do fine. It's so much too much I will likely just shut down and dissociate. And thats it. I don't get reactions. It feels so invalidating, to have the flashbacks and be lost in those memories yet in the moment I will be fine. I guess this stuff is built to make you survive but it feels like I am missing parts of my humanity.

Anyway its new year. I hope to dear god it will be a better year than last, but it's going to be challenging. There is much to face in 2022 who knows if I am prepared.

Bad head day today, woke up feeling intensely suicidal and its not fading. Dw not going to do anything today or anything I just desperately want to get work over so I can focus on some intense distraction.

Have dentists appointment on Friday. I have no idea how I am going to do this, yet once again I am met with this odd fear that once I get there I will just switch off and that will be that. Like I mean great what needs to be done will be done, but at the same time I hate the fact despite the fact something is unbelievably triggering for me I at the same time just shut down for it. I spend weeks terrified and yet when I get there I'll be fine, cause thats what we do. Switch off.

Have therapy today and not sure if I want to get there or not, still in half a mind to quit and not tell my partner. Break up with him, move out. Complete the self destruction cycle. In my head its like I am still alone and trapped and helpless. The cognitive dissonance between that and reality is confusing me. So much wants to recreate that isolation. No one to support me or care for me. Maybe move in with my self destructive "friend" and we can spiral together into some kinda hate filled hole. IDK. I know it's not logical but that intense need to recreate and to destroy seems to be running half of my brain today. A lot of me just wants to run away, take a beautiful journey and let this end that way :).

So as you can see from above, I am feeling all kinds of messed up today lol.

Went to the dentists, its very blurry. Remember crying and being told I need 3 fillings. Is all very 3rd person. My dentist has a stutter and that calmed me some. Had a panic attack on the way home, little wanted a teddy nearly came out in appointment which would have been bad. No idea how I am going to do these fillings. They suggested sedation but I am very scared of that. Exhausted. So exhausted. Slept for 5hours after the appointment. Trying to work now but kinda embarrassed I had to turn down meeting cause I/we/someone is struggling to speak. Fluent sentences are not going to happen right now. Feel so shut down right now.

Helped that the dentists chair was lime green not blue, and had tiny arms, nothing I could be strapped to.

Had a lovely day to day, we went shopping to this really fancy food shop, like a village farm shop, but much bigger. It had a lot of delicious food, I found it really fun. My partner got some lovely stuff for a paella as I got him a pan for it for his birthday. Found purple bananas I liked them!

Got to cooking the food, mine a vegetarian one went fine. His went wrong in all the ways. It was straw on the camels back due to other stuff going on recently. I hoovered in the kitchen because I froze when I saw he was upset and angry. He got annoyed I was there and started yelling, tell me to eat my food because at least I had some etc. I get why he was angry and do not blame him for yelling, but I can't deal with yelling. Went on auto pilot and found myself upstairs having a panic attack while eating food I couldn't taste because he had told me to eat the food and in my brain apparently that meant I had to eat. Took me a bit to calm down and realise I didn't need to eat. Glad I got to that step to be honest. Anyway then it went in circles, he was angry I was upset, I was upset he was angry blah blah blah. Finally he calmed down, which has helped me settle. I cleaned up after everything cause thats what I always used to do and it made me feel more in control. I tidy up afterwards and make sure everything is clean and put away.

Now I am upstairs drinking wine for the first time in a long old time. Between the dentists some other stuff and this my brains into bad coping mechanism time. Partner has judged if I should be drinking but I don't care.

I had a lovely day, but damn am I exhausted.

Yo, dunno why I feel a need to write here. I've been in a daze all day but its not necessarily been bad. Just out of it. Played sims 3 for the first time in ages which was great fun! I love that game ahha. If you can't have a good family go and make your own! I always make the parents and kids have great relationships and have healthy rebellion at teenage years with supportive parenting. Calms me to do. Went to my parents family for dinner, was lovely though draining. There were 5 dogs lol. It was a little insane ahha.

[tw nightmare, rape]
Struggling with a nightmare I had last night. A young man who raped me when I was very young but I didn't remember wanted to rape me again. He was angry he hadn't gotten to as much as he wanted. I was going to let him do it partially because I was frozen but part due to a desperate need to reenact what had happened that I didn't understand. I got a flashback at some stage that was meant to be the first time he raped me but it can't have been because it was of me looking a bit older and drunk, he took advantage of me when I passed out then. The first time was in a shed when I was very small I think or those were my dream flashbacks. Lol its kinda like inception when you get dream flashbacks.

The person who did it was in the police force. Someone else from the police stopped it but then the police force separated into factions. The guy who raped me was kicked out somehow. There was a lot more in a lot of detail, much in 3rd person, except for at the start where it was first person. My father was also involved somewhere in all this but he was worse.

As ever it wasn't a flashback in a dream, but parts... parts bug me. I am realising that I think there is more truth I my dreams than I was ever willing to give them credit for. I woke up desperately needing to reenact something though i didn't know why. I've been struggling with it all day. I won't do that to my partner as it will really really upset him, but it's hard.

I am so so so so bored of having mental health issues xD ahahha. I resign from them, here have my notice. :P

Honestly before my trauma was boring, I was wondering why I kept going round and round in circles about the same old thing, wondering why I was still struggling so much when I'd talked it all to death. now its gotten more 'interesting' in terms of content. But christ its so boring to live. Yayyy up again, oooooohhh down, eeeee lets see how far down, ohhhh up a bit, eeeee down. Like ffs. The oscillation is infuriating. Being ill from the outside is lying in bed, a lot. Unable to focus or enjoy anything because for some reason you just can't.

Anyway can feel myself going down again and struggling to fight it. Honestly I should monitor the number of activity here, when its up its not going well ahahhaha. I have a terrifying appointment tomorrow.

Got a letter from my care coordinator saying my care plan. Just so much of it was wrong, dismissive or not discussed with me. It's triggered me so bad, well more than me. It's all gotten very loud.

The reason I was referred was apparently because I turned up to the hospital suicidal, not because I attempted 3 times before that. I apparently don't have any physical issues, or medication I am taking for them. And apparently my care coordinator wants me discharged from her in March.

And you know what. I don't even like her. They've given me no help. No support. Nothing. I am as ever on my fucking own. Honestly the whole service is just triggering. Asking for help repeatedly and getting ignored, speaking to someone and they ignore the important things in what you say, downplaying your experience repeatedly. Struggling alot with feeling very very small right now. I don't exist. This should stop now.

So things went wrong. Planning had been going on for ages but I couldn't talk about it and every time I thought of going for help it was like the thought was stolen and I would just have all the horrible things the hospital might say to me listed in my head.

Anyway long story short I got taken on a long journey that I do remember parts of, spent most of it talking to my captor as it was... He walked us to the edge of a cliff and not sure if he realised the reality of what he had to do but we managed to win back control eventually. Got help from the police. idk. Scared to be honest. I kept trying to turn around and go to the hospital but he would just laugh at me and keep on walking. I was so exhausted at the top cause he ever let us stop and the body isn't fit.

There are no services where I am to help. Or rather they are but as my partner said to me "you don't think you deserve any real help" which might be true. He said I fit pretty much every single one of this specialist hospitals criteria. Though he was worried that cause I was a suicide risk they may not take me... but I don't know how to deal with that cause I need some help. My partner and I are both terrified I am going to end up gone before we figure out how to help.

SH'd. my partner is going to be so angry and upset with me. He (the suicidal alter) kept yelling we needed punishing. We needed to hurt. He's been doing it for days. I am so exhausted. I just gave in. Everything's so out of control and I am struggling to fight. I need to be strong and fight but I don't know how. I barely even know who "me" or "I" is anymore. It's all such a mess and once again I am been driven by 1000 things I don't understand or control. People yelling next door: shut down. Asking for help: Overwhelming guilt. Existing: A freaking struggle.

I came here to write something but what it was I don't know. Oh yes. I am having to cancel my dentists appointment, I think it was a key trigger for this latest episode but I forgot it happened/was a trigger. The appointment is Tuesday and I quite simply cannot risk it. I don't think I will be able to do it without being sedated anyway, but I don't trust anyone to sedate me and I despise drugs like that. So for now it's just getting cancelled. Honestly I can't trust that the sedation won't end up being as much of a trigger as the stupid appointment not sedated.

So yeh. A dentists appointment is being cancelled cause it might kill me. Oh the stupidity.

Struggling a lot with "no one can help us" "no ones taking us seriously" "we are going to be abandoned" head yelling. It's making us want to do more stupid things just to get attention this time. To even be feeling this way right now is really embarrassing for me. I don't do needy. I despise attention seeking in myself. It's behaviour to be squashed. Making a fool out of yourself for attention just made me a lonely fool.