Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

Okay, so today I didn't take my anti depressants. And I didn't feel like a shakey wreak that was unable to leave bed all day. Infact I played video games instead of slept/watched tv all day. This is kinda huge as I have felt largely unable to leave bed outside orf work for the last.... week? maybe longer. So who knows, maybe just having a good day. But also my body hates chemicals and I am beginning to suspect none of this medication is helping me any...

Today has honestly been a good day. I've struggled concentrating and my life is still a total mess. But for the first time in a long time I didn't feel actively suicidal, which is pretty awesome. And I even talked with my boss about plans for how to get me back to work full time. Its a long road ahead, and I have pretty much no answers. I still have to deal with a bucketload of stuff that I have not the first clue how to deal with. But today I want to try. And even if thats just for one day, I am relieved I can still feel that way.

Not sure how I've been feeling the last few days. Just kinda existing. My house is a total mess. Like bomb hit it mess. And I really just cannot be bothered to tidy anything. I've been playing video games and watching anime non stop with no interest in anything else. Otherwise I am sleeping. Flash backs have been less severe the last few days, which has been nice. Still not taking my anti depressants and I don't feel any worse, if anything I feel better, so thats good. I mean better on my current scale is still pretty fucking bad, but I'll take any win I can get right now. Bad side is my sleep is utter trash. I really miss acually sleeping through a night without wierd af episodic dreams that wake me up multiple times a night. Its just stressful and I never feel like I've slept.

Honestly mood wise the anti psychotics + anti depressants were likely a good mix, but god I did not feel like myself. Anti depressants on their own were the worst, they gave me the shakes like nothing else, manic feeling, now I am off them I don't seem to be having any of that, or anymore than usual. Just depressed, just whats new there. Atleast I am not psychotic!

Honestly. Still suicidal. I don't see a way out of my current situation. I just don't know how to cope. Angry that noone can help me, that I am just on my own with this. So freaking angry. I've not self harmed in weeks, thought about it and the only reason I was doing it was for suicide attempts, so what was the point of doing it outside of that? Pretty much none. I was never satisfied with it anyway, just made me more angry, wasn't doing anything for me. I am quite interested by how patient I am when it comes to self destructive actions, I am quite happy to wait for the right time, infact I take quite a bit of satisfaction of waiting until everyone is lulled into a sense of security. Think I am falling back onto old habits of when I used to live at home. I used to live so much of my life in secret, infact I am acually really really good at keeping them and just waiting. Everyone says I am impatient etc, but thats just what I let people think so they were distracted and didn't notice other things.

Got therapy tomorrow, wonder how much I will tell her. God knows, I have myself in my own cage here. Doesn't help I have no desire to help myself.

So my therapist is worried I am still psychotic. Which is concerning me. I told her I had come off my meds, which she told me off for just stopping them, but she has no issue with me coming off them in principal. However, shes worried about my psychotic symptoms. She asked me "Do you still think there is a man in your head". And the answer is yes. Now I don't really have a problem with this, like I've kinda just accepted his existance, not like the anti psychotics made him go away. Now I wanna fight that hes like Alice, Lily, Liam but I am not sure he is, or maybe to accept that he is is harder than accepting that they are likely still parts of me. He's patient and waiting with me. I am not terrified he is going to kill me anymore, so thats awesome. Its not like hes a huge part of my day or anything, hes just there. I don't sit there having full conversations with him or anything. I just know hes there. Blurgh, if I am still psychotic that sucks, I really don't want to go on that fucking medication, its shit. Eh who knows religious people think they see god and noone medicates them, leave me in peace.

Kinda upset by what my therapist said. Its really thrown me today. I have noone to talk to about any of this. I can't tell my partner because it would worry him, my therapist seems to be freaked out by it, I am worried if I told any medical professional they would want to put me on meds. I don't really want to talk to my friends about it because they already think I am messed up enough. I can't freaking help it, like hes there. I can't just get rid of him magically. I have enough shit to deal with right now, I can't focus on the damn man in my head. Hes just there okay. Plus getting upset about it makes it all worse, start seeing things out of the corner of my eye etc, just because I am feeling really paranoid and stressed. Hate this. Hate feeling so damn alone all the time.

So stupid I did not check the side effects of suddenly coming off of citalipram... meet my old best friend. Nightmares. So for the last 3+? days I've had endless nightmares all night, waking me up several times and then falling straight back into them again. Even my attempts at sleep during the day today were the same. I am totally exhausted. So: No longer chemically manic requiring sedatives to exist for one day, instead I am almost totally unable to sleep... On level of making me totally unable to function it seems like a pretty equal swap right now... I only managed to work an hour today, which was added to by my other new best friend (insert sarcasm here) skills and support group therapy.

So this time I didn't even get to hear what the topic was because the discussion got derailled before we had even gotten out of the grounding exercise discussion. I don't understand how these people think, the links they seem to make seem to make absolutely no sense to me, one second we are talking about grounding the next the two sides in your head and then back to person who WILL NOT STOP TALKING giving "inspirational quotes", ideas, trying to share her wisdom and knowledge. And you know what, thats cool, I've been there too. But why is gods name is the person directing the chat letting you totally dominate the conversation? This is a group full of messed up people all with their own issues so it would be cruel of me to focus my anger at them, no my anger is at the person running the group seeming totally incapable of taking the conversation away from just one person. Please please please, don't run group therapy sessions for people with issues if you cannot politely ask someone to allow other people a chance to exist in the space. It felt like I was watching a private therapy session with a few other people getting to interject for a sentance or so until it was bought back to the same person. Again. I didn't relate to any of it, I just felt totally invisible. Ended up in tears after it ended because I thought it was meant to be a safe space and it was just another place I feel I don't belong.

Today I have a migraine. Which isn't great because my head hurts. Tbh migraines make my whole body hurt. I told my partner yesterday I had come off of my meds, he wasn't even angry with me. I was quite surprised to be honest he was fully supportive and even said I had seemed more like myself the last couple of weeks. When I said I hadn't told him because I was worried he would be angry, he said his only job in this whole situation was to support me, so he didn't know why I thought he would be. He said he wishes I had told him earlier but also totally understood wanting to do it in private and didn't blame me. Said if needed we would find trauma specialised pychiatrists etc to help me if it turned out I did need medication. I have no idea how someone like me ended up with him. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth though xD.

Feeling less suicidal and had minimal flashbacks. Haven't self harmed in weeks. So progress on all fronts I guess. Took some sleeping medication and managed to get a full night of sleep with no nightmares last night which was blissful. Though was tired and took a nap, not a good plan, ended up in a horrific nightmare *sighs*. Sleep is not my friend right now, though sleeping tablets might be lol.

Got skills and support tomorrow. Kinda dreading it. Hoping I make it through the session. I have a meeting immediatly afterwards so I can't afford to have a breakdown once it finishes. Realised part of why I am so uncomfortable with the group is I am very uncomfortable with other peoples emotions, they totally freak me out and make me want to shut down. Other people being vunerable makes me physically tense and stressed. It makes me disconnect. Both my parents used ecessive displays of emotion to manipulate those around them.

So exhausted all the time. Vivid dreams and nightmares are all mixing together. Sleeping is hell. I can get a nightmare within 30mins of falling asleep, last night I went to sleep at about 12:20 and by 1am I was up having a panic attack and crying. This time I did something wrong and made my partner angry and he stood on me his ankle digging into my kidney and it was blindingly painful, I kept begging him to get off me but he just ignored me. Woke up still feeling the phantom pain in my kidney. Took my partner a while to convince me he would never hurt me. Hate my dreams/nightmares. The other day I was coughing up blood, then I keep having really vivid dreams including people from my past I don't want to think about that are more disturbing upon waking than in the damn dream because I feel so disgusting. Then odd sexual dreams that make me feel fucking sick. At the same time I am needing to have naps during the day because I am not sleeping well and I can barely keep myself awake by 3pm. Nightmares at night, nightmares in the day. I've been haunted by these damn things my whole freaking life. 6 months or so ago I got desperate again and started Googling for anyway to manage them and guess what I found. A post I made over 5 YEARS ago desperately asking the same question. No answers. Read my diaries as a teenager, same thing. I burned them all in a fit of anger a few years ago. I just want to scream. Why is my head absolutely determined to torture me.

Saved up some of my sleeping tablets as I can't take them every day cause they lose their effectiveness and acually got some sleep last night! *does a dance*. Still was so tired by 2-3 I fell asleep again and had weird stressful dreams, but not full on nightmares so thats good. Got 3 hours sleep there. So tired all the damn time though. Hard not to trigger myself with all of it because being tired makes me not want to do anything, including basic house maintainance etc. My father has ME and major depression and was regularly unable to do anything spending days/weeks sleeping. With all the stuff recently the last thing I want to be is anything like him. Just having to pull myself up on pure will power to help my partner out with sorting out the kitchen and cooking dinner etc. I refuse to make others lives a nightmare because I am exhausted. I will not have my partner walking on eggshells around me goddangit!

Feeling strange about the suicidal thoughts, they've died back alot, I am alot less obsessed with them and am definatly not actively suicidal anymore. It feels like I am quite cut off from everything at the moment. Like I am just surviving each day. I guess it feels like they've not gone away, theres just a wall between me and them right now. Theres a wall between me and pretty much everything at the moment lol. Lack of sleep + dissociation does wierd things.

Had a bad flashback yesterday morning, had to take the day off work. Woke up in it but took me a long time to realise what was going on and hung around for hours. Poor partner was very confused. Its like none of it feels real until I have those flashbacks.

Hello my dear diary. Today was........ awkward. Had therapy today and we were discussing my sucidial feelings, I told her that I had had a plan though I didn't carry through with, she basically told me the plan was bad and that it wouldn't work. All it would do was put me in hospital. Honestly I just feel embarrised. She then asked me if I wanted to continue therapy considering the fact I was still feeling suicidal, which made me feel even worse. Blurgh I dunno, opening up like that was kinda difficult and I felt like I was not taken seriously at all and told "not how she would do it". Then to be questioned if I wanted to continue therapy. I kinda wished the ground would open up and swallow me. Made me feel like a faliure.

Keep having very uncomfortable sexual dreams. I absolutely abhore them. Being forced into sexual situations and enjoying them. Makes me feel disgusting.

But one of my cats is next to me, shes called Io, small and black. Very cute. She loves it when I scratch her neck, its her favourite thing, so she demands it by just falling on my hand xD which is rather inconvinent while typing ahah. She also meows alot, but not demandingly like her brother, its more like talking. When she sees you in the morning she trills to say hi and outside she'll meow when she sees you. Sometimes the cats make me feel more seen than anyone else.

I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so anxious right now. Yes that many so's was required. Tomorrow is the first full day at work I will be doing since January. I am going to be doing Tuesdays as full days for the next month and then adding an extra day on after that until eventually I am fully back. I am honestly terrified. I am sleeping for 2-3 hours every day mid afternoon because I am totally exhausted and am struggling at work in the morning just counting down until its over. So I have no idea how I am going to do a full day. I just feel like crying. I don't feel ready to go back at all, but I feel everyones waited long enough and I need to atleast try.