Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

I didn't take my mood stablizers yesterday. I haven't told anyone. Maybe I should take them, maybe i'll take them tonight. Who knows. Had a long phone call with one of my best friends today, that was nice. I enjoyed that, shes very chatty so I can kinda take a back seat and just listen and respond. Makes for nice phone calls. Also made and iced some biscuits. And cleaned up the basement wall alot, bought some paint stripper, have a whole project there lol.

Got therapy tomorrow. Not sure if I should tell her about the meds and overdose thing. Not sure if she has to tell someone, she may do. Which makes it kinda awkward. I feel very self destructive again right now :( Mornings and evenings seem worse for it. During the day I try and keep busy as much as possible.

Phone call on Monday for the skills and support group. The guy leading it seems really nice, I like him. Very calm and kind sounding, patient as well. I guess you have to be patient to do that job. I am kinda looking forward to the skills and support stuff. At the moment all I get is therapy once a week and a week is a long time when your brain is f***ed.

Not taken my mood stablizers since Thursday. Honestly feeling much more like myself. Just as sucidal as before, maybe more likely to act on it, but honestly I am not sure I mind. Had my therapist on Sunday. Didn't tell her anything. She said to me that I obviously had decided not to do anything to myself so I should wait. Kinda amused me as I attempted just last week. Honestly I should likely tell her whats going on, but I don't really feel able to. I don't really want to.

Not sleeping as well now I am off the meds, which sucks. Keep waking up at the slighted thing, just my sleep quailty is bad. But I don't mind it. Its normal and I am welcoming any sense of normal right now. Sewed a cushion today that went really well, my partner said it looked shop bought which made me feel really proud :), now I've got a nice cushion to sit on out in the garden and do my cross stitch.

I keep waiting for the flashbacks to come back and slap me in the face but they still seem pretty far away. Noones poking them and I am avoiding as much as possible so they are not taking over my brain. I am still getting almost "intrusive thoughts" of them throughout the day. But right now run of it feels real. Like nahhh that can't have happened to me. lol. Denial is a beautiful thing.

My doctors surgery is having work done on their system mid April so they are prescribing double doses of everything right now. Which to be honest is an epically bad idea. The tablets I overdosed on last are coming to me soon in rather large amounts.

So my therapist wanted me to stop my suicidal thoughts with deciding I wouldn't for now and then when I start spiraling into the thoughts to say that I have decided to wait for now. Honestly that isn't working for me with how... immediate everything feels. So I've come up with my more managable and modified version. When I wake up and the thoughts start appearing I can decide if I will today. And if I will not then when they appear throughout the day I just block them with "Not today" and it seems to be working! I know its only a small win but it means I've not spent all day obsessing over it. I decided this morning I would not today, and that is enough. One day at a time. Thinking much further ahead is a little more than my brain can manage.

I sat outside in the sun today and did some more cross stitch, which was lovely. Got myself a sunburn and a migraine but was worth it me thinks. Got a wonderful amount of vitamin d.

Didnt sleep well last night at all. Like at all. Utterly exhausted. Got less than 5 hours sleep and I am not impressed.

I am scared of ants. Like petrified of them. Just played a video game where there were slightly sized up ants and we basically had to stop playing because I went into full fight/flight etc. I have these memories of being very young and stuck on the top step next to the lawn and it was covered in ants, I was covered in ants. They are crawling everywhere all over me and I am alone.

I am also terrified of baths. I've had one bath in the last over 10 years. I am utterly convinced I am going to dr*wn. Doesn't matter how big I am or how much logic tells me I won't I despise them. I think I've worked out I was left in the bath at a young age on my own with noone watching me, I have memories of feeling too short and being scared I couldn't get back out of the water. I also think other stuff happened in the bath, stuff I don't want to talk about.

Theres this terror in being very young and totally alone. Realising noones going to help you when you are dependant on others for survival. Knowing you can't defend yourself. Knowing you can't stop it. Knowing you can't escape no matter how much it may hurt. In those times you try desperately to be someones good girl, desperate for love, affection, a scrap of kindness. Attention at all.

I feel sick. There are too many truths my brain is uncovering. Its like theres been this ginormous festering cancer inside of me for years, and I didn't know it was there. I am scared of how long it went on. I have memories from very young. But some of them. I think some of them I was much older. I have these pictures I drew in art therapy and there were many pictures with a shadow of a man in the doorway in my teenage bedroom. But I have realised I have no memories of what happened after.

I don't know what to say. I am alive. I wish I wasn't.

Been feeling really grim the last 2 days. Morning I wake up totally obsessed with something, recklessly spent over £200 on a game that I get bored of alot this morning despite the fact I am only getting paid for half days at the moment so I cannot afford to. Crash in the afternoon going all shakey and feeling totally overwhelmed take my rescue meds and then exhausted and unable to move the rest of the day. Just feel awful. Got therapy tomorrow but tempted to just quit. Whats the point?

So my best friend drunkenly told my sister that I think it was very likely my dad who. Did stuff to me. I am not angry at her, it was going to come out anyway and honestly I know shes useless at keeping secrets I am honestly surprised she lasted this long. But now my sisters bulimia is apparently back full force along with drinking from midday when shes not working. I've tried my best to protect my sister my whole life and it kinda sucks I am not in a position to protect her here. Apparently she doesn't want to talk to me for a bit which I totally understand. I am just leaving it. I just feel so isolated. My parents and siblings were most of the people I saw. Outside of that I have two best friends. Which is decidedly better than nothing but they both have their own issues. One doesn't know any of whats going on and the other one feels stuck in the middle. Its just all a fucking mess.

Had another therapy session today, I guess to everyone I look kinda okay, I haven't self harmed in a week. The fact I am still incredibly suicidal seems to be skipping peoples notice. Just waiting patiently.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's all too much. What I've lost hurts an inconceivable amount. I feel so alone. Without medication I can't sleep, when I do my dreams are full of fear. I am struggling so much with keeping on living. I'm spending most of my days shaking totally overwhelmed by everything. I've got to work tomorrow and I have no idea how I am going to. I feel barely able to function. Every day is some fucked up hell. I can't see a way out.

Managed to work. Thank god. Just about. Need to shower tomorrow I haven't in days, I feel gross. Got this group support thing tomorrow, interested to see if it is helpful in anyway. Aprehensive of new things though. Also wondering if the topics will just be the same ones I've heard 1000 times before. But gotta give it a try. Same things can be totally different with different people.

Group skills and support thing was... weird. It technically had a session theme, which quickly got derailled. The theme was self care, which is a topic right now I am not a fan of. I have no desire to look after myself. I am surviving, so please don't ask anything more of me. But anyway it dissolved into a few people complaining about people contacting them asking if they were okay, and dropping around their house etc. And I totally get there is another side of the coin. But I am not talking to my parents, my sister doesn't want to talk to me, my best friend spilled my biggest secret and my other best friend is too busy with her own shit. Hearing someone complain about people caring was quite upsetting. I did say that though and was given some space, someone else in the session was in a similar situation to me so I was not alone in it. Came out of it quite shaken. I am not sure it really helped any, but gotta give it some time. Its something to do atleast.

I've come to realise outside of my partner I really don't have anything to live for. I have no life goals or dreams, all I can see is pain and fear. I can't live for someone else, I need to live for myself. But I don't know how.