Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

Suicidal thoughts have been super hard but managable today. I've not had much time to myself and was waiting for the morning crisis team most of the morning.

My partner is exhausted and overwhelmed from dealing with me, it makes me really sad that I cannot really help in anyway. I wish I could.

My mind is all over the place as usual. I want to keep hurting myself, I don't know anymore why or what I even want out of it. I have so much to live for yet the thoughts in my head are obsessed with death. It seems sad to me that I cannot drag myself out of that.

These new mood stabliers make me want to eat, which I hate. Because I don't want to. Food just seems more appealing and harder to resist. Which honestly really sucks as these tablets have some pretty bad negative side effects including alot of weight gain, diabetes and potential heart issues.

The trauma issues feel so far away right now. Everything feels pretty far away to be honest. Just drugging myself into a stupor until I can't anymore.

Solid 5 out of 10 today. Thats the highest score I've had since ? Months ago. Lines up with an exact week of taking the mood stablisers. They are obviously doing something, something I very much need them to do.

"Perscribe pills to offset the shake, to offset the pills you know you should take it a day at a time" My old love for Panic! at the Disco being rediscovered ahaha.

I did cooking today. I made a delicious butternut squash, parsnip and carrot soup which I had for lunch with fried smoked tofu :D was really tasty. Then I made belgian buns using lemon curd I created myself, which entertained me for much of the day.

All this however brings me back to my next problem. I need to take these pills for my health, they are making a huge difference. However. They make me want to binge. Like all of the time. Its exhausting. I normally do intuative eating, relying entirely on my bodies hunger signals to work out if I should eat or not, and if I want to eat, then I eat. If i have a craving or a bad day, well I eat. I've lost a serious amount of weight this way and I need to keep this weight off for my own health, mental and physical. I used to have an eating disorder and well in some ways you never get rid of that thinking. Feeling like I am binging every day is very stressful.

Another good point though, the crisis team are now seeing me every other day! Progress! :D First day in 10? days that I won't have the crisis team there in person. They are always on a 24/7 phoneline though, so thats a relief. I think my partners more concerned than I am, not that I blame him. I am having urges to attempt or self harm really bad still. Its just quieter than it was, far from gone away.

I did draw in red pen where i wanted to harm the other day and it oddly enough did help. Just seeing it there made me feel calmer. I need to remember to do this in future. I just wanna spiral again, but I've damanged my partner enough right now, I need to have atleast this week up.

The ever looming issue of my parents is driving alot of anxiety. My partner is giving them updates without telling me, to keep them off my back. Which is lovely of him. I keep having the urge to message them, to say sorry and fix it all with yet more tape. I am having to really pull myself back as I know i am not in a mental state to be able to deal with anything thats going on right now. I likely need to talk with a therapist before I talk to them. To say I have unreasolved issues is an understatement lol.

Really dissociated today. Want to self harm but it will upset my partner so much which is making me stop. Suicidal thoughts are lessening, which is scaring me. I feel kinda cut off and wrong and that makes me more suicidal again. It makes no sense, I make no sense. Talked to the doctor today not sure hes willing to give me the meds I need. He said if I kept needing rescue medication that it mean it was not under control. I feel that he is likely right, but what does that mean for me? I don't know how I would even.

Talked to work, wanted to say I could come back to work soon but talked with partner and they asked if I could concentrate. Right now the answer to that has to be false. Which has made me sad. I just want to be better already, not like a sad yoyo.

My friend was meant to be coming over today, despite lockdown. I was kinda desperate to see someone and its not helping my head now they have cancelled. I mean its fine for them to cancel, its their choice and I take no offence. Just now I have another evening with my head. I can't concentrate on anything today.

The voice is getting louder, Its thursday, the circus begins again tomorrow. Maybe I will start it early. My partner kissed me yesterday and hes let his facial hair grow a bit and it sent me into a flashback. They are all leading to a place I don't want to me. All these meds and none of them can take away the past.

Self harmed again today. Second update in one day, yay go me. My partner is really upset that I am self harming again. I don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to break up with him, move out and have no reasons left to live. I am like, half sucidial. Like theres chemicals in my brain that don't want me to be, where as in reality I am just as suicidal. Its confusing. Like what the hell is going on sir head.

The weekend is coming on like a bullet train. No crisis team tomorrow, saw them today. All on my own tomorrow. Well with Robin but hes all on his own with me. Poor guy. The thoughts are getting loud again. Saturdays coming around again. Still can't get that facial hair flashback out of my head.

Tried to call the crisis team and Samaritans but I can't make myself do it. I am just agitated and angry. Keeps coming back to the same point. You can do all you like. But I was still raped multiple times by multiple different people as a child. And one of those people has a high possibility of being related to me. And the other a family friend. Every single alter in my head has been raped. All of them. How is that even possible? How do you "forget" something that freaking big? Alice is still there, Lilly just nodded in my head. Shes my little baby girl and she had been too. Liam, Liam knows I know. And I have been. I just can't cope with the enormity of it. How? I can't even explain how it makes me feel. Sick and digusted. Hatred. Fear. Pain. Exhausted, hopless. Nothing. I prefer nothing. But even nothing is painful in its own way. Like how cold hurts just the same as heat.

I just want to drink myself into a coma.

Todays been interesting. My partner really could not cope and totally broke down for a bit today. From waking up he was a zombie and slept on the sofa for quite a bit of the day. I have tried to be understanding as its a totally understandable reaction. Made things harder though because the weekends are hard for me and I felt very alone.

I came up with a plan though. Told my best friend he was struggling and shes going to be coming over for the next couple of days :) I've tidied up the lounge for her and shes going to basically camp in there. My partner will get a break and I will have someone new to talk to. Sure it will be exhausting and I will likely still struggle, but when the man in my head starts really screaming (who am I lying to, hes screaming now) I will be able to speak with her and though she may not have experiance of psychosis she has alot of her own mental health issues and is super understanding. I think there is an online quiz with friends as well. So lots to do, hopefully less time for my head to take over. Shes staying until Monday as well when it dies back. Though I am interested (maybe morbidly so) to see if it dies back if I don't do anything over the weekend.

I did lots of proactive things today though, which I am very proud of myself for. Made rock cakes this morning, put together some cookie dough this evening, had a nap (very important ;)), and tidied the lounge so all of my art stuff has sensible places to live and hopefully will make it easier to manage in the future! I like organsing things and baking, both of them have an easy set of rules which calms my mind.

Been a few days since I last posted. I've had people around pretty much 100% of the time since then. My friend came over on Saturday stayed Sat and Sunday night, left this morning and then my sister came over this afternoon and we went for a walk. I know I am breaking lockdown but I need these moments right now. Its given my partner a break and hes looking alot stronger for it.

I wish I was feeling better. But I am not really. I feel very impulsive. I am still suicidal, I don't have a "date" anymore which is progress, but I am always working to the next saturday but its sorta anything goes at this stage. I am constantly fighting between a desire to disappear and a will to live that seems stronger than any common sense.

I told my friend my memories, she was really comforting and believed me. I am worried I dumped too much on her, but she does the same so we both kinda share. Its comforting to know someone atleast is willing to listen without judgement. I have a long way to go , but that was a big hurdle. Telling the first time always is.

I am kinda scared about my head right now. I am losing track of time, life around me all feels like a dream, I am getting dreams and memories messed up and I am having visual and auditory hallucinations. I don't know if the meds are causing them or if the meds are not working. Like today went for a walk and ended up flinching because I was about to walk into a tree and yet there was no tree there, or even close by. I kept hearing my friends voice around the house and she was asleep at the time and not within hearing distance. I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye. I feel kinda haunted. I hate this stuff. Why can't I just be normal.

My partner wants to go over to his parents house for the day tomorrow. But I am feeling kinda paranoid. I don't wanna be left alone... But the other part of me wants to be left alone. But then I will disappoint him. Blurgh. People are difficult.

My partner gets very upset when I self harm. I have been trying very hard not to, but its like something comes over me and I just have to. I try calling numbers sometimes but if I can't get through for some reason or if I put it down in the first few seconds I don't call again. I am just sitting here today waiting for the crisis people to turn up. I don't know I am fed up with this. Its been over a month now.

I think I am having more good than bad days. Though I don't really know. Its improving in some ways, that is certan. I have spent most of the last day coding and doing what I love. And that is not something I have been able to do in months. Its like the depression itself has largely lifted. Which is a relief. I can do things and enjoy them again, thank goodness.

The upped my meds again. It's odd when I feel awful, no amount of support feels like enough. It feels like noone is doing anything and I am just drowning, and yet when I come back up I realise people have realised things and changes have been made.

I can feel my head go down the roller coaster again. The thoughts seem quieter this time around. But the anxiety is high. I feel both made of lead and want to twitch alot. Worried not so much about tomorrow morning, though could be bad. More worried about Sunday. See how I am tomorrow.

Did some more baking today, it was delcious :) made cinamon bear claws! Also some cross stitch.

I think I may get discharged in the next week/couple of weeks. They said I was doing really well and they could see I was trying and I had made a great improvement. Which is honestly pretty awesome. Guess my trauma is good for something. Even in crisis I am very polite and try my best to please them.

My heads all over the place. I may sleep to avoid the thoughts.

I am alive. Last night is a bit of a blur however I attempted suicide again and ended up hospitalised this time over night. Very shocked it came out of the blue. I was having a good day and had been doing really well and then bam, I escaped the house and attempted. My arm is now bandaged up and I am just in shock to be honest. It feels like alien me who did all of that. People keep asking me if I "feel safe" now its like. I thought I felt safe then........ Hek. This is all such a mess. My partner is devestated. I'm home now. I can't keep having this happen. My life is beyond out of control rn.