...See more
I am off ill, and well idk. Decided it would be cathartic to write it all down. Another warning, it will be long LOL.
*** TRIGGER WARNING - DON'T READ BEYOND HERE IF YOU ARE AT RISK ***
I was brought up in a strict Christian family, though I guess less strict than my mum's upbringing. My dad had undiagnosed major depression from when I was born up until I was 12. My mum I believe had postnatal depression, especially after my sister was born when I was 2. I separate my life into different sections mainly because they are obvious splits in my head and places where I was dramatically changed again.
Apparently I was abused by my dad at least from the moment I was born. I do not doubt the man has always loved me, which is more than I guess many people here can say. But that never stopped him hurting me. He used to shake me as a baby and scream in my face when I was crying, something my mum told me while crying and saying sorry 15 years later.
I actually have very few memories from before 9 mainly consisting of school, grandparents, my next door neighbours. Of my parents it is rather thin on the ground. I do know my dad used to stand outside my sister and I's bedroom door waiting for one sound to scream at us and threaten us at bedtime. He would punish us when he got home if we did anything wrong, and we were not allowed to leave our rooms or make a sound before they got up for the day - about 11-12pm. You didn't wake the angry bear. He would punish both my sister and I physically and make it hurt. He used to tell me he was doing it because "God wanted him to" he didn't want to do it but "God had told him to". Apparently hurting people because you love them is acceptable. I just remember time freezing and refusing to cry, I used to set it as a challenge, don't cry. I got better over time I guess. This is when I first started dissociating I guess, I have no memories before 6 at all and I don't think I want to know, but I remember the sounds going funny and wrong and I just thought "Its okay this happens sometimes it'll pass".
He damaged his back at some stage and I kinda got to know him because he couldn't move which was awesome. Angry people who can't move are WAY easier to deal with, and a lot less threatening.
Later on when he could move it got bad again, he used to speed like a crack head through the streets when angry, I was terrified for my life in the car with him. He would walk off after making mum cry and disappear for hours, with a walking stick, until my mum called the police because we had no idea where he was. I remember at least once being left locked in the house because they were angry with me, I refused to go to church. They would forget to pick me up from school frequently, and school trips. You couldn't eat or have a drink without permission.
At this time I was also bullied and humiliated by people at school. I was always the odd one, angry but enthusiastic, I never understood social protocol and was happier with the teachers than I was with people my own age. I had one friend by the end, and I did enjoy games of football which was cool. But for years I was manipulated and threatened by one girl at school who I think was being abused at home as well, looking back on it, and taking it out on me.
When I was 9 we had a house fire, no one was in thankfully, however I was picked up from school by someone who wasnt my parents, which wasnt that strange, and then walked home. They didnt tell us anything, I just remember seeing a fire engine next to my house and freaking out. I didnt know my parents hadnt been in and until someone told me otherwise I thought they were dead. We lost almost everything in that fire, and I never lived in that house again.
I think I see the fire as before and after innocence I was abused but I didnt really think about it before then, afterwards I realised the world could be cruel. I remember being severely dissociated watching myself read Alice in Wonderland in my old bedroom, black and it stank of gone off smoke, amongst piles of boxes.
We lived in friends houses for a bit and then rented accommodation for 6 months after the fire, my sister being the delicate one got the bed and I slept on a camp bed for those months. I cant remember where my parents bedroom was, I have no idea how the lounge looked and the whole thing feels like a messed up dream. I dont remember my parents being cruel or nasty, but then I dont remember much. I got to eat ice creams though which was awesome! My sister and Is first hamster died by breaking its back, and my grandad died in these 6 months too. I had to go to school the same day, I imagine our parents didnt want to deal with us.
We moved to a new place, and I had to go to a new school as we were a way away from where I grew up. My dads anger was getting worse and we were both getting more and more violent to each other. We had screaming matches multiple times a week, neither of us would back down so they often went on for hours, sometimes daily. He would hurt me when he got too angry, flipped chairs while I was sitting in them etc.
At this same time I was getting bullied badly at the new school, Michael Jackson was being tried for pedophilia and it became my nickname because of my nose, they used to ask me horrific things and accuse me of molesting people. I hated all of them and got in fights, eventually got restricted to a specific part of the playground as I couldnt be trusted out there.
I moved to secondary school and my dad and I were still going just as badly as before, if not worse, he would take everything I liked out of my room, and I had got used to by then pretending I liked things I didnt because then he wouldnt take me away from them, I would hide books from him and art supplies. At the same time I could leave the house for hours and they wouldnt even ask me where I was. Eventually dad decided we both had to go to anger management classes.
I was bullied at school same as before, always laughed at, but I did have friends at least. I stopped eating after I realised it was something that gave me some control, and I then was not seen eating in school for the next 5 years. My sister and I had matching eating issues and we spurred each other on, seeing how little we could eat and counting calories together.
My sister started self harming when I was 11, she would leave letters written in her blood around but she had closed off years ago and getting her to talk to you about anything was nearly impossible. Nevertheless we protected each other.
My dad got diagnosed with depression finally and started meds, he got a bit better for a bit, but my sister kept spiraling. She was hospitalised because she passed out from going too deep and that day I broke down and started too. I used to get messages from friends saying she had gone too deep and I needed to go in and bandage her up, I used to buy first aid supplies out of my pocket money so my parents wouldnt notice. I used to get nightmares every night where she died in front of me and there was nothing I could do about it.
My best friends mum died from cancer when we were 16, she was the closest I had ever had to a real mum and I used to talk to her grave telling her I would look after her daughter.
My dad stopped taking his meds, trying to come off them, he lost his ***t multiple times and made everyone's life a living hell. For the first time in a while he was violent to me again, and made my mum cry while screaming at her. He had never been great, and I basically looked after the family regularly, but this was going back to living with a monster. I finally broke when school tried to force me to do an exam I had had no time to study for because of everything. My parents once drove me to school swapping the entire way crying because my dad had hurt me. My mum used to watch him do this stuff, she had my entire life. She knew what he did but she let him do it. Sometimes even getting me into trouble with him. I told him I would call social services, he sneered at me and said Why dont you just try, they are never going to believe you over me. School pulled him in and told him he had to start meds again or my sister and I would get taken away from them.
By this point I had had major depression, large amounts of dissociation, I lost a lot of time, anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares. I have records of nightmares nearly daily, sometimes multiple times a night from when I was 13/14 to 20. I still have them regularly now, but not as bad. I had nearly attempted suicide multiple times. One of my friends attempted while I was in school I called the ambulance and sat with her for 4 hrs while she threw up, it was her 3rd attempt, one more would kill her for sure.
At 17 I was cornered by a guy from church who forced me into doing sexual things with him, and raped me.
After that I went off the rails, barely attending school, living round friends houses for weeks at a time. I left my sister there for lengths of time until she begged me to come back, she hated being there alone. So in the end I always came back. At one point I got a place a youth hostel for young women in abusive families, but I turned it down in the end, I couldnt leave my sister and I decided to try and live with my parents properly, try and forgive them.
I started work after I left school at 18, the boss there hired me because he found me attractive, also I think because he saw me as an easy victim. I loved my work, but he would corner me daily, he was into BDSM, it was all about the mind games. He wanted me to be his mistress and every day would pull me into his office where he would tell me we were the same, how I could never be monogamous with anyone because I was as sexually messed up as him. How I should get far in my career through sex. I guess I didnt know I could leave, I had never been able to leave before. He would threaten me when I did things wrong and humiliate me infront of co-workers. He was also there when I needed help, he talked to me about my sister and all the stuff at home, told me he had be abused as a child. He convinced me to cut off all support and told me I could tell noone about us as they would not understand. I was dating different people at this time, but never saw what happened with him as cheating, just saw it as part of what I had to do to keep my job. He eventually cornered me in a hotel and raped me, convincing himself it was mutual, I was drunk. He didnt go all the way, and told me the next day I was lucky he was responsible and didnt. He wanted me to say I wanted things before he would do anything, but would not stop threatening and scaring me until I said I wanted it. After a year I finally handed in my notice, and he strangled me in anger. Then tried to offer me money, cars, anything so I wouldnt leave. On the last day he broke down crying saying he would miss me.
I kinda started moving on, after I left, got another therapist (my 3rd or so) I met a guy, hes awesome ;) I am dating him now ahahha. I was kinda getting on with my life, I was healthy, exercising, I had a relationship with my parents and my sister and I were still close. I struggled with my eating but was getting better. I felt safe for the first time in a long time.
When I was 20 I started my new job in the city, a week later I was drugged by someone and date raped by a coworker. I was found at 3am by the police in only my coat and shoes wandering the streets. My mum had called them thankfully. I got tested, did interviews for courts, etc. It was dropped eventually because they could not find enough drugs or alcohol in my system to move it forward, I dont know to this day if I was drugged or I dissociated… I prefer to go with drugged and then dissociated. I know it wasnt me who was out.
So yer, I am 23 now, its been just over 2 years since anything bad happened. I am just trying to cope I guess, its not going 100% but hey I am still here, people tell me thats pretty awesome :D.
