Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

Well today was grim. Managed the full day at work, if you can call it that. Honestly ended up watching anime on the sofa for alot of the day and sleeping for part of it. But I was online and I did do some work and have some calls. I tried atleast. Feeling so depressed and anxious I don't know why I am trying anymore. Had a nightmare of hands around my neck in my nap. I can always feel those damn hands around my neck. Or down my throat. Feels like I am constantly being choked. My tshirts always feel too tight, constantly tugging them away from my neck. Sometimes I put my hands there, just to have something other than phantom feelings.

Feels like nothing can help me anymore. Too scared of meds, the NHS is not setup to help people like me, if I get put in hospital I risk being forced onto medication that hurts instead of helps. My therapist seems frustrated with my lack of progress, or maybe I feel rushed and so I am putting that on her. My partner is doing so well but hes obviously struggling with the fact I am still finding everything so hard. I just feel so damn depressed. My therapist said in the last session that my life was going okay before this so we just need to put the train back on the rails. WHAT FREAKING RAILS. SOMES FREAKING BLOWN THEM UP. I DON'T HAVE RAILS TO RETURN TO. I am angry, confused, sad, frustrated, exhausted, depressed, stressed.

Okay so in the middle of this my partner turned up and had a chat with me, we went through some notes for the psychiatrist I am seeing next week and talked about work. I am feeling a bit better for a chat. Lets hope I get some okay sleep tonight :). All is not lost.

My days right now are pretty damn boring. Get up, try my best to work, watch tv, sleep, watch tv, sleep. I just feel so damn exhausted and depressed all the time. I have no motivation to do anything. The support group session today went okay. The person who used to dominate all the conversations by talking incessantly has calmed down so it feels more like a conversation and less like being totally ignored. Its made a big difference, I feel much more comfortable there now. Though I am worried I shared more than I was comfortable with today. Kinda kicking myself for sharing it, but its done now so no point obsessing over it.

One of my friends was meant to be coming over tomorrow but cancelled on me again. I was surprised by how disappointed I was. I haven't seen anyone outside of family for months, I was just kinda excited to see her and have an evening relaxing before she starts her new job. But nothing I can do. I can't get rid of this overwhelming feeling of lonelyness. I feel so very isolated.

Had another nightmare in my nap today, thankfully the sleeping meds seem to be helping me at night at the moment, though they stop working after a while so going to have to be careful with them. I was in a nightmare though I can't remember exactly what it was but I realised it was a nightmare and was trying to wake myself up but I couldn't. Was just screaming and screaming, begging my body to move but I was still stuck. Felt like an age until I managed to wake up. I have so much fear around being stuck in nightmares, screaming and hoping someone can hear you but realising your real body is not making a noise. Its terrifying. Honestly its kinda like how my life feels right now, like every day internally I am screaming but my body won't do it, I am just stuck and noone can hear me.

Another day, another nightmare. Don't know what to do. I take the sleeping tablets at night but I never feel like I've slept. Like I don't get nightmares at the moment when I take them but I wake up so exhausted I don't know how to function. If I don't take them I get nightmares all night which I think is worse. Going without tonight to test my theory. Kinda at my wits end though. I get so tired whichever way that I end up unable to function and forced to take a nap. Take a nap get another horrific nightmare. This time somehow a tiger was attacking me about to eat me, I forced myself out of that dream but realised I was still asleep, forced myself out of that and was screaming for my partner and trying to move but he wouldn't come and my limbs wouldn't work, somehow I had broken my laptop, turned out that was also still a dream, managed to force myself out of that and finally woke up feeling like utter shite. Feeling so trapped by this sleep cycle. I feel like noone can help me.

I've forced myself to stop taking naps. So I don't take naps anymore. I am exhausted, but no longer mentally tortured. If I take a sleeping tablet before bed I get to sleep all night, I mean it doesn't feel like much because I wake up exhausted still but its something. My sanity can cope without nightmares. I am just about managing to stay awake all day and its getting easier.

Bit nervous, got my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I've been told by my therapist there are basically 3 pathways in NHS secondary mental health care. Mood disorders, personality disorders and psychosis. That is it. Nothing for trauma what so ever. So with that in mind we decided to keep our expectations low. My main goal for tomorrow is to get the CPTSD and a dissociative disorder diagnoisis, DDNOS most likely as I do not have amnesia to meet a full DID diagnosis. Just found out about Partial DID though which is part of the ICD, may do some reasearch into that, but I think again the amnesia is the barrier. I am fully expecting to get perscribed some more medication, and to get informed my side effects were not possible, so steeling myself for that. End of the day I don't need to take anything I don't want to and at the very least I am going to wait until I've been off my current meds for 6 weeks. Oh and I need to get rid of the Bipolar diagnosis -_-. Also was informed someone my therapist knows thought her psychistrist she saw had totally understood her and the session had gone really well, got a letter through saying she had a personality disorder and a load of other stuff that they hadn't discussed. So going in knowing I am kinda doomed from the start. But gotta give it a try atleast.

Welp lets see how this crazy goes ahhaha.

I read something I shouldn't have done. Something that would have upset anybody, let alone anyone who had been through similar experiances. I've been lost in reading all week. Stuff I shouldn't be reading. Stuff thats triggering me, yet I can't stop it. Its like I am searching for something. I desperately want it. I don't know what it is. But I can't find it. I feel so sick. I've become obsessed with things that disgust me.

I don't know if I can put this here. I am going to put it here anyway. Someone can report it if they want. People with PTSD don't talk about homicidal thoughts. For me those are some of the scariest thoughts. Things that break down barriers in my head of what I thought I was. The realisation that you are capable of something you never thought you could be. Its terrifying.

The pyschiatrist asked me if I thought I was worthless. I found that interesting. I don't think I am worthless. Do I hate myself? yes. Do I think I am worthless? no. I have worth. To companies, to my partner, to my friends. Do I think that worth is warranted? No, not really. But if they have decided I have value, then who I am I to argue.

Every time I think about ...stuff. My stomach starts cramping and my throat feels full, like I am going to throw up. It still doesn't feel real. Yet at the same time my body is just screaming it hurts. That it hates. That its terrified. That for some fucked up reason it wants to survive. Why do bodies want to survive so damn bad? Why couldn't mine have given up many many years ago.

Been a while since I have posted. I am off pretty much all my medication except for migraine medication. This last weekend I stopped taking the sleeping tablets and omg last night I got 7hours sleep and though I still feel exhausted, I don't feel nearly as bad as I did. Also got offered the covid vaccine which I am getting on wed which I am super excited about. Honestly feeling much much much more stable than I was. Its largely because everything has been locked in a rather huge box and thrown under a blanket, but for now that will do!

I mainly came on here because I am super excited and wanted to share something. I was in my skills and support group and its been talking about emotions ALOT which is not something I am particularly excited about. Emotions are not my ting. However I mentioned that I struggled identifying emotions and that I didn't really even know where to start which seemed to put me at a disadvantage and I got shown the most amazing picture.

Now maybe you've seen this before, I know I had. But I had never really looked at it as a tool to help me identify how I was feeling. Red, orange and yellow show an increase in feeling and the blues are a decrease in feeling. Apparently the study was done with people all across the world and everyones responses were layered over each other to create the final images.

I thought I was feeling fear and anxiety, which I won't deny I am feeling in parts more or less at different times. But the pervasive "emotion" thats been with me this whole damn time that will NOT let me go. Its freaking disgust. It sits in my stomach and throat all day and it feels like its freaking eating me. Honestly I stared at that picture and it was like holy hell. This makes sense to me.

@Lilibuth12 You've been on my mind and I hope you're doing ok

So omg. Well hi, long time no speak. Stuff has happened while I was gone lol. I honestly don't even know where to start, but I am feeling the compulsive need to write things down. So write things down I shall.

So first. Migraines. Yes my old and wonderful friends. I had basically 2 months of 5-6 migraines a week. Some weeks 7. Once I got a week off (shock horror). The ibprofen I was taking, because I had to take it so much ended up causing rebound headaches, which caused migraines. So I had to stop all medication for 2 weeks. Which was frankly hell and I ended up giving up and taking another abortive in the end (which have god awful side effects for me, but I couldn't deal anymore). The medication I was taking as my migraine preventative when I upped the dose sent me manic. So I had to come off that completely. About a month ago I had a 2 week break, so I thought it was over. But nope I've had 6 migraines in the last week. So not over. Anyway yeh, migraines suck, don't get them.

The onto the second. I made a serious attempt a month ago that ended up with me as a missing person (social media ads, posters the works) for over 24hrs and a 4 day stay in hospital. They wanted to keep me in longer and I nearly got sectioned, but I managed to get out thankfully. So yeh, since then I've only been aloud to leave the house by myself twice, otherwise I have been accompanied everywhere. I am no longer under the crisis team and am meant to be getting a care coordinator - whatever one of those is. Anyway its been fun...

So now to now. I am still suicidal. I am not sure my therapist wants to work with me anymore, my partner is terrified of what I am going to do to myself and I am basically living not to make my partner more traumatised than he already is. On the up side we are getting our kitchen done soon (exciting) and I am meant to be going on holiday end of September, if my partner lets me go. Just got to keep living. Somehow.

** About a billion trigger warnings: sexual abuse, child sexual abuse, suicide, pregnancy I could continue. ***

I need to vent and I guess that is what this is here for.

I am utterly lost in self doubt, fear and hopelessness right now. Over the last 2 months a trigger has spiralled me pretty damn deep. My alters or parts, or whatever the hell you want to call them have been getting so loud where they never were before. So, so loud. I'm getting more appearing and they hold different stuff and memories. But I have very little amnesia day to day, as far as I know. I mean how do you know if you are forgetting stuff?

I don't find notes that I don't know I've written, but I do often do small things I don't remember doing. But maybe thats just ADHD not anything more scary. I mean yeh sure I often end up places not recognising where they are, and I've ended up in the last 2 weeks lost and scared because I didn't know where I was or where I was going. But like thats not normal for me, thats weird. That stands out to me. I don't "normally" not know where I am going or what I am doing. Or is it normal? I don't know my brains a freaking mess. I've always been forgetful but I wouldn't say out of the ordinary. It’s only once I've ended up wearing clothes I knew I would never put on, and once I've found something triggering in a place I didn't expect it and no one else put it there. It isn't my whole life.

But then when I look back, my memory is tiny snapshots. Playing on a slide as a child, school. I remember a lot more about school than I remember about home. I remember being bullied and scared of certain insects. Closing my best friends finger in a door, being "benched" for swearing. I remember feeling terrified. Sick. Scared. Exhausted. I remember my dad sitting outside of my door yelling at us every time we spoke. I remember playing with my sister sometimes. I don't remember my mum before 9. I remember her crying maybe. I remember playing with barbies, we had a naked barbie, she was ashamed. Then the house fire, I remember that. I remember having to go to a parents friends house regularly. I remember hating it there. I remember being screamed at, looking after my sister, school again, getting worse. I remember getting dropped and kicked, I remember tip toeing around the house in fear of waking the beast. I remember cooking dinner when everyone else just walked away. I remember turning vegetarian, and I remember my sister going to hospital for self harm. I remember spending pocket money on plasters. I remember ice lollies. I remember nearly getting kicked out of school. I remember escaping from the house with next to nothing in my backpack only to come back a few days later because my sister was scared, multiple times. I remember being on suicide watch. I remember a swimming pool. I remember organising to leave home. I remember hiding in the bathroom wishing I was safe. I remember running with monsters behind me. I remember the nightmares, I remember losing time in cupboards, I remember sleeping in any spare room I could find at school, the bathroom floor. I never got any sleep, I was so tired. I remember my dog. I remember being unable to leave the house alone because I was convinced things were following me. I remember rubbing cereal into my sister’s skin because she wasn't eating. I remember driving to a club at 2am in the morning to get my sister away from my father both in slippers. I remember getting kicked out of sex ed, and my first boyfriend, kinda. I remember my girlfriend too, kinda. I remember playing video games. I remember the day I got a lock on my door. I remember hiding stuff. I remember stuff I cared about getting taken away again and again. I vaguely remember getting dragged down the stairs by my leg. Being kicked out the front door physically. I remember refusing to take an exam that day. I remember stuff being thrown at me. I remember what I thought was the first time I was sexually assaulted. I remember the boss who said he would protect me, and the way he abused me, raped me and strangled me. I remember thinking I could handle it. I remember crying in the bathroom desperately imagining killing him with a spoon as that’s all I had. I remember leaving. Him crying he loved me. I vaguely remember dating my first ex again. kinda. I remember moving jobs and how he sent a bunch of flowers to my work. I remember getting therapy. I remember migraines. Vaguely. I remember glandular fever and the hospital. I remember dating my current partner. I remember sleeping a lot, I could never get enough sleep. I remember being scared of sex. I remember panic attacks and flashbacks. I remember my first job in the city, getting raped again. I remember times with friends down the pubs, stupidly expensive champagne. Clubbing. I remember my first ever house mates. I remember them breaking up and how awkward it was. I remember the police. I remember when I started smoking. I remember working. When both my best friends attempted suicide at different times. I remember parts of redecorating the house. I remember moving in. I remember drinking, I remember AA. I remember being scared of AA and never going again. I remember my cats. I remember I love my partner. I remember drinking vodka when we first moved in. I remember some of my previous attempts, but they blur together. I remember being bored out of my mind in hospital. I remember my best friends mum, I remember loving her as a child does a mother, I remember her dying. I remember getting blue bells for her and dancing around the kitchen to Shakira.

It's not that I have no memories. I do. It’s that they are not in any kind of order, some of them I couldn't put in order if you wanted me to. Most of them are snapshots, and a lot of them don't feel like my memories. Many of them are feelings. A few are first person but many are 3rd person. Most miss any detail or knowledge of their setting. They are like tiny black and white snaps of my life. And together if you fill in the blanks they make up a life story.

But thats the problem. What about all the other stuff? What about the stuff I don't remember but "alters" do? What about the sexual assault as a child? What about the routine abuse happening every night? What about being drowned in the bathtub? What about being raped? What about the multiple men? What about being told I would get taken to different places by my father, given to different men. What about this nagging feeling of being pregnant and hating the life inside me. A visceral hate I can feel clearly as I write this. The feeling of hands around my neck. Of hands touching me everywhere. In my throat. The ghost feeling of pain that feels almost numb in its intensity? The threats of death. The knowledge that other children around me were also being abused. The terror and fear and hate and love and desperation. The loneliness and isolation. What about these emotions I get in flashes and these memories that are not my own. Knowledge that isn't my own. Knowledge I've gotten from written notes and talking to my therapist. My phobia of baths and intense fear of showers. Flashbacks that don't feel like mine.

I want to say I am making all of this stuff up, but at the same time I am terrified I am. If I am making this stuff up then it never happened, I desperately do not want it to have happened. But if it never happened, what is wrong with me? Why would I make up such utterly disgusting shit. How fucking despicable am I as a person for coming up with this? And then the flip side. What if I am not making this up? What if it is true? What if this stuff happened? What if this is real? My life? Happened to me? I don’t know how to accept that and continue living.

There is this memory stuck in my head, it feels like a dream, every time I try to grab it it dissipates but its living in the corner of my brain.

I am lying in bed, I am small. To the right is my wardrobe, I would hide in there sometimes. Its huge especially since I am small. The door is about a meter from the foot of my bed. My sister is asleep below me, its a running joke in the family about how deep she sleeps. I am staring at the door in my bed, the bit of light cracking through the door jab, I am terrified of the dark. In my mind I am trying to throw as much furniture in front of the door as I can. I need to barricade the door shut to keep him out. I feel sick and exhausted. I just want to be left alone. But I am not strong enough, I can't fight and its only a flight of fancy. Even if I could do it he would break everything down to get to me. The door stays cracked open as I lie in bed fighting sleep to wait.

I'd been doing okay the last week but this memory along with a trigger the other day has me on hyper alert, nothing is safe. I dreamed of him last night, my dad. He was sitting across from me in a church. He smiled at me and talked to me. My mum was there. I talked to him normally and suddenly I realised what he had done and felt sick. Seeing his face. I couldn't run so I just sat there.