Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

I did it. I filled in a form on my doctors website asking to be referred to the mental health service that might help me. I tried to describe the problem as clearly as I could, and I even mentioned some scary stuff I normally never tell medical professionals because I don't want to be laughed at. It was a long form but I committed to doing it cause I called the service and they said if my community team were not being helpful to go through my GP. Now despite the fact they said they would aim to get back Monday (and normally thats earliest) they are actually calling me today. I really really struggle talking to medical professionals about mental health due to a lot of bad experiences and without this form I may not have done it, so I am terrified. Wish me luck peps. I really hope this goes well <3

For the doctors phone call the other day they took me seriously <3 I am so relieved. The doctor agreed if things were getting worse then we needed to get in contact ASAP with the specialist service. I could just cry. I am now terrified they are going to reject my referral as in the UK you need special funding for tertiary care, but trying not to think about it. I am calling back late next week to see how its gone.

In other news I am very sad about one of my best friends. She's definitely an alcoholic now. Drinking it sounds like close to 2 bottles of wine a night. Every night it seems. She's moving close to me soon and I am terrified she's going to turn up at mine drunk. I can't be dealing with that right now. Honestly I am terrified about it because its a forced invasion of my personal space, with someone who's unpredictable and scares me when drunk. I can't be dealing with that. I hate these situations because I struggle to stand up for myself anyway, let alone someone who scares me. Plus she's one of those people who wants everyone to drink with her... which since I really cannot afford to be drinking right now is... bad.

Finally I keep dreaming about my father. Every goddamn dream. He doesn't do anything, he just exists making me feel unsafe and uncomfortable constantly for reasons I can never pinpoint. Without my sleep meds I keep getting these dreams but my medication can't be taken every day. Its exhausting.

I don't normally like to post twice in one day, feels self indulgent lol. But I am feeling sad. I keep wanting to SH, badly. I am not looking after the ones I've done like I am hoping sepsis will get me or something stupid. I know its dumb but my brain wants control so bad and honestly overwhelmed at the idea of living with the stuff in my head.

Also with this doctors referral I am just sitting here telling myself I am not bad enough, that no one will help, that no one can help on repeat. That I am wasting their time. I feel so ashamed. I don't normally do shame, or not much I admit to. You're not meant to feel shame for what you didn't do. But what about what you did do? But then also I am scared I am too bad. Too suicidal, too self harm(y), too much. So I am simultaneously too much and not enough, ain't that typical. My brain seems to love contradictions of self.

My grandad has become a fear in my head. My dad hated his father an unnatural amount, his mental health issues are no way just chemical, that man has trauma. And when someone mentioned a car I associate with the interior of my grandads car I had flashbacks. Not of anything really just that doom feel, the stupid shiny wood paneling. I keep "knowing" the time we stayed over for a weekend with my grandparents, I hated it. I hated it. hated. Yet I loved my grandad, he payed me attention like no one else in my life ever did. When he passed I held onto the guilt for years. Who knows. Anything. He could just be a lovely old man, why can I not trust any men? Especially in my family.

Don't know why I even bothered contacting the crisis team. They are busy and I am wasting their time.

Feeling really fragile. Talked with my therapist she thinks I need an assessment to work out whats really going on. It's causing problems. Parts are angry. My head hurts. Wrote to them and asked them to be kind because we are scared. They sent over a lot of stuff, many videos which spiralled everything. They responded and were nice but very overwhelmed.

Less blurry! Yay! For the first time in days I feel like I have some kind of head on my shoulder thats not completely driven by fear, thank goodness. I ended up in some kind of strange breakdown yesterday, very blurry between Alice and I as well as Lily of which most I remember is crying.

So filled in the assessment forms, as always worried I didn't fill them in accurately enough, especially since I am not entirely sure how much of a part I had in filling them in xD and my emotions were... well like everything else blurry lol. But I've read it over and its not highly inaccurate, I hope.

I write all this but at the same time right now my heads in "its all fake" land, which is kinda fine by me. I scored high but its likely just being dramatic ahaha. Like this stuff needs much trauma and most of what has been "remembered" is too ridiculous to be real.

Got a chat on Tuesday about this assessment, asked my partner to be involved as normally I forget to ask any questions and sit there not really realising whats going on. May kick him out though, I hate anyone but me being involved in my stuff. I asked him if he will leave, even mid call, if I ask him to. He said yes, so that makes me happy. Less awkward. Not sure how much I will believe the results of this test cause if the drama parts are running the show we will look rather pathetic ahahha. Lets see.

Had a good day again. Tidied some of the kitchen very slowly and used a cleaner I've avoided a long time, it worked surprisingly well and my partner was in the same room so that make it easier. Played video games with my partner and his friend the rest of the day. Even managed to eat a bit more today.

Sorry for the end of the post yesterday, my brains in a war right now about whats real and whats not. It's causing... inconsistencies.

Was somehow advertised a book I read when I was a young teen. I was obsessed with books about child abuse. Sexual abuse. I didn't realise I knew about dissociation that young, or at least in my head it feels young. I didn't learn about this stuff from the internet. I learned it in the library. I find that fascinating. Shortly described it's a book about a woman who was sexually abused and neglected as a child and thusly developed anorexia and DID. I've been obsessed with books full of very damaged people I could relate to a long old time it turns out.

Anyway, instead of running away, we were in "disprove anything was real" mode, and decided to download it, at least parts certain the book would be the basis for our own "story". The idea being that our flashbacks were instead made up from this book. Unsurprisingly (or surprisingly depending on who is speaking) it is not our flashbacks. In many ways it is not similar at all. But some parts of the book so far (and I am not far through at all) kinda lined stuff up I regularly lose. I tried writing them up but it was too much. Anyway it reminded me of stuff. I need to stop reading this book honestly.

Monday went wrong, though not as bad as it could have been. Managed to bargin my way to the hospital. Haven't self harmed since then. Partner called police though because I went missing, thankfully managed to avoid another social media outcry though...

Think I am going to stop therapy. I think it's making things worse. Parts don't want to speak, don't want to go. The acting out is feeling more and more out of my control, though it does vary. It's often being triggered by opening a box in therapy. It's often triggered by life as well though so who knows how this will go.

Any time on my own though and my brain just plummets though. Plus this time its Friday night. I hate Friday night. Friday and Saturday nights my partner stays up really really late. So unless I stay up till 4-5am I have to go to bed alone. And I would stay up but that often makes things worse. So its 1:30am Saturday and I know it gets bad about 2am, it's getting bad now. And I just can't make myself sleep. I know we are in our room. It's safe. It's comfortable. It's not the same. But the idea of sleeping is all too much. So often I just want to hide downstairs and sleep on the sofa. Sleep on the floor. Anywhere really but the bed. Or the bathroom. Not the bathroom.

Anyway enough down this hole. I am alive, not exactly well but thats not new. Doing as best as can be expected. Have played many a video game this week and that has been fun. Now I need to sleep, so sleep we shall.

So... my sister is really angry at me for the way I am treating my father (no contact). Found out through a mutual friend because she hasn't told me. I am not surprised. She has a co-dependant relationship with my parents, especially my father. I always took the brunt of things for her and protected her as best I can (though with limited memories I have no idea if I succeeded but you do what you can). My dad is apparently devastated I won't speak or have anything to do with him.

Apparently my sis thinks that I may have been abused sexually growing up but it can't have been from our father. And thus me ignoring him is unfair and cruel.

Eh. Not sure I feel much about it at the moment. Sad maybe somewhere, but I don't know how to feel it right now.

**TW: Graphic sexual/rape**

Nightmares. I hate nightmares. I hate how much nightmares are a part of my life. Had 2 I remember last night.

The first one is a little more blurry. 3 men who raped me (I think?) were also my family and were trying to find me. I was running and hiding from them, a totally mess. One got to me and tried to cut down my arm to kill me. I survived. I remember finally being safeish and going to see my child. I had never met them and had no idea what to do with them. But I loved them so much.

The second one I confronted by father about what he had done. I didn't intend to at the start but he made me so angry. For some reason I was over at my parents house, my sister, mum and dad were there. My fathers back had been hurt and he was struggling to move, I had been helping out with things. He at one stage lay down and said sometimes it hurt enough he floated away from himself, then looked at me and said he didn't think I could understand how that felt. I was furious. Grabbed him by his collar and hissed in his face I'd been in that level of pain most of my life. Then time switched cause I panicked and I was on my bike (moped I had as a teen) running away. But I couldn't escape no matter which way I went I was so out of it before I knew it I was back at the house again. I knew he would want to talk about it and I was terrified. I was trying to escape again when my sister found out and told me I was a lier, he found me screaming at her that he was a rapist. He then cornered me somewhere, I want to say the kitchen but I don't really know. He wanted to talk about it. He kept pushing and he turned nasty. He knew I knew and now all bets were off. He started grabbing me, telling me I wanted things I didn't. He then took his clothes off and lay down, he was trans which confused me. But he was grabbing me and making me do things I didn't want and forcing himself on me. I woke up to myself screaming and struggling to get away from him.

Dreams are weird. I hate them. I just want to sleep normally lol.