Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

Think I've written several of these and deleted them over the last few weeks. I have been generally doing better. I've been cooking which is awesome. My therapist seemed happy I was more like my old self. She bought up names saying they were interesting, I asked her why. She said she felt like the patient all of the sudden which made me giggle. I asked her about her grey room, she said it was deliberate and told me she had painted the picture herself, she was proud of it. I told her I wasn't sure how to compliment 4 grey squares but that any art you are happy to put up on a wall and look at every day is good art. She seemed happy I said that, it made me feel nice to know I made her feel good about an obvious insecurity of hers.

Had some stuff turn up yesterday. As ever its all so faded and confused its hard to know if its just something my messed up head made up or a memory. I honestly think I genetically do not store memories like others do, I do not store images or anything, I cannot visualise and I don't think I ever have been able to. I think in language and feel in colours. I do remember feelings though, feeling small, peoples hands, their breath. A persons presence and that tension in the air so thick you could cut it with a knife.

The "memory" this time was of a guy. He was tall, but I am small so that is no surprise. He was kind though. When I was there I was his princess, it was nice to be someones princess. I want to hate him as an adult but the memories do not hate him. He was a kind one, different from the others. he still wanted what everyone else did but he was nicer about it. He didn't want to push or force, he almost romanced me? I dunno he made me feel special. He had kind eyes. A beard as well, I hate beards. Others were much worse. I felt sorry for him really, he seemed sad. Lonely. I was always lonely so I related to that. He said I made his days better.

I think I am quite proud of myself. A new memory used to send me spiralling for weeks or months often without telling anyone. This time I managed to ask my partner if I could talk to him, and with a few hiccups (i.e. me running away ahahha) I managed to tell him.

I spent all of yesterday in bed crying
I spent today in the garden in the sun, had a mini break down, went out for dinner and was intimate with my partner.

It's not a recovery, I know it's not cause it's loud in my head right now. Very loud. But I am fighting. I haven't harmed myself, I have taken my medication and I am trying my damndest to live. My partner giving me all the control earlier helped me settle a lot in my head, made me feel more centred.

Who knows what tomorrow brings, but I am really really proud of myself today.

OD'd last Tuesday. Nearly a week ago... Last week was fuzzy at best to be honest. Had some issues that meant I needed a medical exam I was very uncomfortable with with very little warning, I booked a taxi to take me there hoping to make everything a little easier on me. But no. The driver had the same name as my father. I was close with the medical exam but I lost all control after I saw the driver name. Grabbed a bunch of meds, got in the taxi, had the exam, hid around the back of the surgery and OD'd. About an hour or so after I realised what I'd done and that I couldn't safely get home, messaged my partner and called the ambulance. It was a minor OD in the end, I was out of the hospital 12-15hrs later. Told them it was self harm not an attempt as I knew it wouldn't end me. Managed to get out easily enough.

Woke up the next afternoon, comforted my partner (much tears) and met with my care coordinator. Think we scared her because I was not fully present / we were not how we normally are around her. Frankly a protector was out and they are much more happy with awkward silences than I am 😂. Even got a message from my care coordinator after checking the session went okay, and considering she normally does not message me that amused me.

Was back at work by Thursday, has gone okay. It was such an intense set of triggers all together that I am not really surprised. Been focused on work, video games. Cooking. Feeling pretty distant but I think thats okay right now. We got a sofa chair delivery which is exciting (my partner and) its made our lounge feel so homey <3 its lovely. Also new pillows which are sooooooooooooo comfortable. Ploofy <3.

**** TW: religion - christianity ****
Had a random urge yesterday to visit a church I used to go to as a teen. It is I think one of the only religious places I have good memories as my family did not attend there, I went with my best friend at the time and had other friends there as well. I can't deal with how religious my old best friend is now but I do miss the safety I had there. Its stupid things, like my parents never noticed that I wasn't eating or that something was up, but my best friends mum did. I would turn up and she would tell me I was too skinny, and I would have only eaten maybe an apple that day and she would sit me down and feed me. Wow I am getting tearful over that ahha. Amazing how much it means to have just one person notice and care.

Feel like I am running from something, a lot of something. I don't know. I've done alot of good stuff, cooked for 3 days straight, washed down and painted the basement outside and the front of our house, everything has had a fresh coat of paint, sorted out the pots at the back of my garden. Bought some plants, not done well with money this month but yahknow booked a holiday with a friend. Today I woke up went, went to a local food shop, got back, painted the front of the house, went to the shop to buy some plants, potted them all up, found a beautiful clematis potted that up too, cooked and now it feels like my body is failing me. It's been over a week of constant "doing" every time I've gone to take a break I end up doing something else. If I am not doing I am planning. Its silly moments like this make me question the bipolar diagnosis but then I wonder if this is just people doing things, like yahknow lots of people get stuff done, just cause I struggle with it doesn't mean that when I do I have a different disorder 😂.

Proud of the work I've done to be honest, I've gotten a lot done. Just wish my body didn't feel like it was failing me, making my brain fogged and useless. It's frustrating me. I know I need to sleep but I don't want to *sighs* the nightmares have been bad. Endless. My therapist wants me to write them down but I don't think she understands how they come and go, some wake me up and I am conscious enough to write them down, others wake me and it takes me 2+hours to calm down and by then I've lost a lot of it. But many of them wake me up and I don't really remember why. I don't have anything to write down, just pervasive fear. Often one will wake me and I will remember a wisp of it before I fall asleep into another different nightmare. I have long trained myself to go almost instantly back to sleep after most nightmares, I would have lost my sanity a long time ago if I stayed up after every nightmare, even bad sleep is sleep. I hate hallucinating more than nightmares, thus I sleep even if I am desperately sacred to. Funny how hallucinating a wasp was chasing me is more scary to me than nearly all nightmares I have had. Thing about sleep is you can wake up, it won't always be good but you do wake up. When you're awake theres nowhere to go, not when your sleep is full of nightmares.

I have rambled long, but it feels good to talk. I like having this place to write down my mind, I hope no one ever abuses what I have written here. Online is never as safe as you wan't it to be, and I know that well.

Been a few weeks, life been very busy, people over, work etc. I feel tired, bone deep tired. I wish for a safe hole to fall down and keep me distracted.

Had a bad therapy session last week. Nothing my therapist did wrong, she just asked the wrong question. I just shut down and curled up in the chair blocking her out. She tried to get me talking but I didn't respond for a bit, then I just needed to leave. I got up and told her I was going to leave, she didn't want me to leave without someone to take me home (fair enough) but my partner didn't pick up. So she made me a cup of tea while I paced up and down a small room outside of our normal therapy room. We looked in gardening magazines and one had a bumble bee which is still in our bag. The tea was not my favourite but hot water did me some good. My partner walked to pick me up and took me on a 40min+ walk to calm me down. Some steps were bad but we made it home after he took me to a park, I like parks. He looked like he wanted to abandon me a few times because I wasn't all there just wandering off and reciting names for everything I saw, but bless him he stayed with us. Came home and programmed to distract our brain with logic.

Today I am in pain and tired. Pain makes me sleepy. Need to see the chiropractor but the idea of being touched by someone right now feels beyond my capabilities.

Life is one step at a time, I don't think you can do it any other way.

I feel awful. That stupidly over dramatic loneliness that you know company can't solve. I was going to unalive on Thursday. Had the letter all written out, had the plan, went on the walk, found a beautiful hill, had everything I needed. And then I called a helpline because I realised how bad it was.

I talked to what might have been the nicest and most understanding crisis line person I have ever talked to. They understood my pain, they knew that as much as I cannot let my trauma go, my trauma will not let me go. They were a safe place to talk about stuff without wondering if my memories and flashbacks are real, I could just speak about them and the pain I felt without knowing. Speak of the awful things that happened and the fear I have for the future. What I fear is in the fogs of my memories. I didn't need to validate my claim, I could just cry. Cry for everything I lost. She reminded me to fight, that there is more to life than the pain I exist with. If I can't fight for myself I can fight for others, and that is okay.

That was yesterday. Today I don't know why I didn't do it. I am spending money like water, my body and mind are exhausted, I spent a lovely day out yet I just feel awful. Its so hard to remember to fight when your drowning.

Its my birthday next Wednesday and I feel sick. It's the start of the worst time of year for me. June. I am dreading June. For all this talk of fighting right now I don't know how. I know why, I want to want to, but how I just don't know.

@Lilibuth12 Hey :) Sorry - me again. You're in my thoughts today. I didn't know if I should write or not tbh. But I decided to listen to my heart today

*sending you strength and peace* ❤️

I went on a trip with one of my best friends. We went on a city break. It was lovely. I relaxed maybe in a way I have felt unable to in a long time. I was free to do what I wanted for a bit, though maybe not as free as I would like. No one likes me going off on my own, pretty much ever these days. Which sucks somewhat. But yeh, we had so much fun! Looked at a bunch of historical stuff, ate some absolutely amazing food and drank some very fancy wine :').

My brains in some kind of countdown till June. I just want it to be over. Can we skip to November please? :) :). In my head it's just some kind of loop. Fathers day, fathers birthday, solstice, mothers birthday, sisters birthday. Then I get a bit of a break and its halloween which is not a holiday I enjoy. Struggling to find anything to look forward to.

Sometimes I wonder if I end up doing this stuff to myself xD. First day of this month was panic attacks and flashbacks, curled up in the corner of my kitchen as small as I could make myself saying sorry on repeat while crying and chanting that I am going to d*e. Trigger? Waking up? xD idk.

Been having nightmares every night, weird dreams. Sexual dreams. Not been fun in anyway.

My solution is to distract myself. I am focusing on my garden, clearing out my shed. Just trying to exist and enjoy life.