Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

Dealing with the fall out of this stuff is hard. This is likely just my own pity party at this stage. My therapist is now on holiday for the next 2 weeks. I thought I quit anyway parts didn't want me to go. I wish I felt there was some kind of way out.

Doing okay honestly all considering. Started to build myself a tiny video game this weekend and honestly it's been really therapeutic. It's nice to just focus on making something as well as being able to enjoy myself. Also managed to play a social video game for the first time in months so thats awesome :D struggled but I knew I needed to.

Only really annoying thing is I keep getting really really dizzy from any visual disturbance. Like even slightly fast moving gifs are enough right now to set me off. I get really dizzy and have to lie down, normally find myself waking up in bed not really remembering much outside of the stupid images that triggered me. Not sure why I am so sensitive? Could be something internal, but also could be meds or migraine related. Unsure. Just sucks lol.

However! As things go this is a minor complaint! Seeing a friend Wednesday for dinner then staying over to dog sit the next day, so that should be fun! Also have a party on Saturday I need to not forget lol.

Dog sitting was fun :) todays been a struggle though. shut down at least twice and ended up asleep both times. My parter threaten to pour water over me if I napped again as it often causes me issues. Made me giggle :P.

Got that feeling again like everything is just too much. It doesn't feel like I am close to the edge as much as someones fist is in my shirt and they are dangling me over. My stomach has been causing me issues for weeks now, constant pain, nausea etc. Also back and neck pain. I am so overwhelmed by it all.

I had a dream I am not allowed to talk about, I tried to post it somewhere safer than here but couldn't say much and ended up deleting it. My dreams scare me. Before all this I thought I just had the most messed up mind, like who the hell dreams about the kind of stuff I do. I couldn't see how any of them were related to reality. Turns out I've gotten an idea now and its not good.

I went through all my old notes today, I have them going back years and years. I have others all over the place in strange places I don't visit anymore, but these were some easy ones. My old diaries etc are burnt. I found a note from years ago mentioning another part I don't remember. As well as obviously emotionally charged moments that I remember absolutely nothing of. Honestly I sometimes think notes like this are the only way I have any sense of existing. I don't remember writing most of them, even the more recent ones. It's like reading through different peoples thoughts and lives. I wonder how much there is written all over, in secret diaries, email addresses etc.

I don't understand what it is I experience. I don't get it. I have memories, but so many are hazy. At the moment memories feel like they are running away from me. It took me a stupidly long time today to remember what I was doing yesterday, and even then it feels like a different life. I dunno. I'm rambling.

Think I am going to have to tell my therapist I can't continue therapy with her. I am honestly not sure if I am even going to be allowed to speak beyond anything else. But if I can I don't see how therapy can continue. My brain is a minefield and we keep just stepping on them. I can't keep up the way things are rn.

@Lilibuth12 Hey you :) Just wanted to let you know that you've been in someone's thoughts ❤️

I keep trying to post in here and words are just getting muddles and walking away. I don't know what I am doing. I feel so so weird the last few months yet I am more stable than I have been in ages. I haven't been in hospital or police custody since July. Thats a record for me over the last few years. I feel I need to do something so I can go back. I am acting too sane. But then the back of my brain says we need to act sane. We need to disarm them. They can't be looking because then they will know. They cannot know. It is hopping if we go quiet we won't get our assessment. So no weird behaviour because then no ones can figure out something's wrong.

Stuffs coming up I hate. The drawings are... awful. I wish I could burn them all. I keep having strange days where I am not really with it. I am making my partner angry with me. All the sorries and asking what I might have done wrong, is just making everything worse. I feel like a terrible partner.

Feel like I am living multiple lives. The ones where I paint the house, decorate, smile, care. And the ones where I hide. Am scared. Tired. Damaged. Then the ones where I hurt. I want to hurt. I want to do damage. I feel violent and volatile. Where I want to ruin everything around me and return to. them.

I know I need to draw again, I recognise the signs. Restlessness. Brain losing track of everything. wandering around in a daze searching for something. An uncomfortableness in my skin. Like I am missing something. Something important. Something I don't want to know.