Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

Went to bed at 8pm, managed to sleep till 8am. Still had nightmares but less graphic and didn't stick around. Managed to get enough sleep that I don't feel like absolute death today which is awesome.

Care coordinator today, I bought up some stuff she had said that concerned me and tried to use the I feel... because... when... etc. kinda syntax so I improved our relationship instead of making it worse. She was lovely but somehow is triggering my mum vibes which is making everything feel very unsafe. Anyway had a bit of a breakdown on the way back despite the fact it went well.

Still managed to play some games with friends this evening xD so that was nice. There is good things in the world. If I ignore my head screaming lol.

TW Graphic dream/sexual/ritual/religious

Well that took a turn. Just had one of the worst nightmares I've ever had. I need to get it out of my head. Genuinely not sure I've ever been as close to throwing up from a dream as I am now. I have once, but it's been 10 years.

Was in a video game I have been playing, my best friend took over something slowly. She slowly trapped us all with her abusive partner. We didn't realise we were being trapped, they were so nice and sweet yet they were trapping us. Trapping us for this ritual. There were many(? multiple?) of us. Some were going to d*e. Others were going to be raped. They tried pinning me to the floor multiple times before the ritual, trying to do stuff to me. The disgusting feeling of someones saliva I don't want. Trying to kiss me and do other stuff. I had gotten away a few times but I wasn't getting away this time. I was so angry and terrified knowing this was opening boxes I couldn't close. All I remember is these weird two hands posed to make ang*ls wings. It was a ceremony to the ang*ls. 2 of us managed to escape and found this other person but no matter what we did they found us. Fucking dogs. It was awful. You couldn't get away. Woke up just before the inevitable happened cause I couldn't mentally take the fact I couldn't escape. "Ang*ls are scarier than d*mons."

I can't feel safe now. No where is safe. flickering candles, night, being held down, angels. It just makes me want to be gone, I just can't take it. I know logically its just a dream but something in its not. I just feel so sad. Sad, scared. Lost all hope. Primary thought being "They can't do that to me again".

I never want to sleep ever again.

Welp, I really hate the fact this site does not let you delete posts. I would much rather delete the last post to be honest, or at least edit it. Don't need reminders of that freaking awful nightmare.

Done okay since the Tuesday night fiasco. Got a grand total of 90mins sleep, SH'd a bunch, just found a message in my diary about needing to punish ourselves for that date so assuming its related. It's blurry but I do remember being very suicidal. However I managed to work and attended therapy. Though was depressed emo kid pretty much, not sure we got anywhere. Not sure how much of me was present.

So yeh as usual feeling kinda okay. Tired, aware I am walking pretty close to the cliff, but I don't really feel it, I just know it. Eh the difference between knowledge and feelings is confusing lol.

In other news, after the talk with my care coordinator bought a paint by numbers, I think after the nightmare, do remember that. Anyway its super cute! Lots of pretty bright coloured succulents. Opened it. Looked at it. Closed it. It's giving me that "somethings wrong here" vibe. Want to burn it, or like throw it away. Always wondered why I loved paint by numbers apps and cross stitch but had never even considered buying a kit. Those stupid little pots give me many a freaky feeling. Nope. Hoping to give it to a friend so I can get the evil feeling object out of my house! Ah well lifes always interesting with this stuff.

No therapy next week, we shall see how it goes, she's back the week after. Kinda a quitting trial run, though both of us are worried after Tuesday night it may not be a good idea to stop. We shall see I guess.

Today had some drama. Nothing terrible, drama thats becoming kinda normal for my partner and I at the moment. He's overwhelmed by everything as am I. I went to the shops to buy some stuff for the DIY we were doing. When I came back he was really angry about the DIY stuff he was working on, so I being me froze. He got annoyed I froze and more angry when I said sorry (which I always do when I freeze and someones angry). Anyway he got more angry I froze more etc. I then got angry and told him that his anger is valid and allowed, but so is my freeze response. It scares me and thats my reaction to fear. Anyway he hates the fact I get triggered by him sometimes, and that caused a whole new set of issues. Blurry blurry blurry, it eventually figured itself out over. Its not like its a problem in our relationship as such, more both of us being overwhelmed ends up in issues.

Other than that though had great fun playing video games this evening, gotta get up early tomorrow so thats going to be fun lol (its 3am here).

Did. Did they make money from me?

The specialist centre are not taking any more referrals. I feel so disappointed.

Think I've had a good week. At both work and like socialised with a friend.

Been having nightmares every night, thankfully not many really bad ones. Last nights I was swimming through jellyfish that were stinging me and on the other side of them were sh arks. So woke me up and not great but yah know, still getting sleep kinda. Sleep meds have stopped working cause I've taken them too much so I don't get that break either.

Its funny until this morning I've felt fine. Yet last time I went to the shop more stuff was bought I don't want, and still I've told no one. And still it's in my bag. It's so exhausting every time I get rid of the stuff it ends up back in my stupid bag. It's like this stupid escalation I don't think I even believe anymore.

On the fence about quitting therapy, when I feel fine I am happy to just like quit it all. Other times like this morning where I shut down etc its much harder.

My partner cannot cope with any of the younger ones. It's becoming a problem. He's making them feel so rejected. When they come out and are scared he just throws questions at them and has a breakdown. I can't deal with this cause then I get shoved out in front and they feel hurt and abandoned which makes everything worse. We are just not talking about it at all, he's just ignoring it and I don't know how to bring it up. Often they only come out if we are really triggered so it's not a good state to get rejected. The only exception is a few who come out to play but as they are less obvious he doesn't notice/seem as thrown.

I am exhausted. I am spending so much time feeling fine, yet when I write it down its not fine. I dislike writing in here sometimes because it makes me realise how not fine it all is.

My thoughts are not suitable to be shared here, however I am alive :)

Exhausted, I'm doing alright, largely by dodging as many triggers as humanly possible. Shower as little as possible but just enough to not be triggered the other way, no dentists, no doctors, no hair cuts, no chiropractor. No one touching me or putting me in situations my brain screams are triggers. It seems sad but what am I to do?

Nearly started stockpiling the new medication I got today but my partner asked the right questions and now has it -_-. Stupid medication lockbox of apparent safety lol. Hoping the new medication helps me sleep.

Hello myself, welcome to my head.

Slept, like got real sleep. OMG amazing. Like so good. I cannot tell you how amazing it is. Unbelievable 2 nights of like -> go to sleep, wake up at a sensible time. Amazing.

*** TW: Sexual stuff ***
Been deliberately damaging myself sexually. Not with anyone else on my own. Its a habit I've had over my life and part of it is personal preference but sometimes its just destructive. Like everything in my life its a fine line... Scared sometimes i'll do real harm.
*** TW END ***

Decided to just accept I go everywhere with a bunch of stuff I definitely shouldn't have in my backpack. Every time I get rid it comes back, its pointless and expensive. It's just scare tactics.

Went on a well weird one with my therapist last week. Like omg so embarrassing. Why would I do that. A brain dump of stuff which was just... I dunno like a mix of intrusive thoughts and like dusty mind corners you never even acknowledge let alone tell someone about. So freaking awkward. May never talk every again to her. Best friend said its good I am opening up but am kinda of the opinion I should shut the hell up for once ahah.

Not sure about any of this parts stuff right now. Sometimes it seems so obvious and other times its just... nothing. Plus I keep thinking about stuff, like wouldn't I have had bruises and other damage? Like my memories are not... friendly. If they are memories at all... At the moment they feel like some fucked up persons need to be different. Why do brains think abuse makes you special? It doesn't it, makes you messed up as all hell, yet when you've been neglected your whole life being special in anyway is better than being nothing at all. If you've got nothing else to boast about, aye?

It makes me sad that I am too scared to ask anyone if they remember anything because number one, my family know I am not talking to my dad, any question is suspect. N2 because what if this is all made up? What if I really am so fucking messed up my brain made this stuff up? I know sure: your body keeps score. But you know what? I have no evidence. Nothing. Only my freaking messed up body and brain. And we all know how reliable they are. Not very. We lived a small and controlled life.

I am in pain from stuff I have done to myself, because I deserve it? Because it calms me? Because it feels safe? Because I am craving familiarity? Who knows. I sure as hell don't.