Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

@Lilibuth12 Just want to send you some good vibes. You've been in my thoughts ❤️

It's been a difficult week. Problems with an old neighbour has had me calling the police twice this week, twice the man was arrested for having a knife on him and breaking an entering into my neighbours house. It's not been fun and my brain is not coping. Adding into the perfect storm my meds got messed up (I was certain I had ordered them but apparently not!) and I've not had any for the last 2 days. Managed to get an emergency prescription today thank god.

Had a lot of panic attacks. Panic attacks and nightmares. Barely managed work the last couple of days, it's all been so overwhelming and I don't feel safe. Worst one was Wed night, forgot to take any medication that could calm me down with me and we were at someone else's house. Woke up at 2.30am having a panic attack that didn't stop until over an hour later. Just waves and waves of it. I hate those panic attacks :(, had them a-lot this week but theres something about having a panic attack when you're meant to be sleeping that makes it that much worse. Didn't manage to get back to sleep after that so I got a grand 2hrs of sleep that night.

Upside I think I have a new coping strategy? Kind of? I have this notebook that I am scrapbooking/collaging in. I draw something in my head, either stickmen or words of something I want to do. Each drawing or idea only takes a few mins. I then use that bit of art or idea as the centre of my piece. Many of the triggering ones are under flaps hidden so I can look through and only see what I can cope with. Got a few rules, no photographs, either of the book or in the book. I don't want it to trigger me when I am unaware or with something too realistic. Other rules are: its private and not to be shared unless it would benefit me, I am not to question if the stuff in the book is real or not, and the drawings don't need to be beautiful. The idea is to get stuff out my head, not question my reality or create pretty things. Anyway, is been working so far, when my head feels loud I do some of this book.

I am tired and I am going to get some sleep before I give in to the temptation to hurt myself cause my heads not coping right now. My garden is giving me alot of joy though, its beautiful. I am trying to force myself even when the idea feels like way too much.

Having a bad time. Had to get stitches for some of my SH on Monday and I just want to do more, create more. I want to rip everything apart and destroy everything around me.

So much screaming in my head. That we need to hurt, d*e. That we are terrible, ev*l, shouldn't be alive. We are going to d*e. I have no idea how I am apparently coming across so calm because I do not feel calm. My mind is ripping itself in all sorts of directions rn completely unable to cope.

Automaton I am, we go to work, smile at the nice people at the hospital, meet up with family, smile and converse. I am sick of being so god damned nice. I want to break things. Myself. I want my outside to match my inside but it never will.

Honestly I want to be gone right now. I wish I could find a way that isn't surrounded by my phobias. I'm exhausted, spaced and angry with nowhere to direct it. It's a dangerous combination. I feel manipulative for even mentioning how I feel on here which is so stupid.

I'm tired I am going to sleep. Hope the nightmares stay away. Hope I wake up feeling a little better. Wishing is free.

I'm ill, which sucks. I think being ill is keeping me safe though, I am too scared to fail and end up in hospital surrounded by people in PPE cause I may have covid. I think the fully dressed up people will be way way more than my little brain can cope with rn lol.

Wish I could say my heads gotten better but its not really. I vaguely remember trying to k*s in a very unsuccessful way some time last week, mostly just remember failing and feeling very tired. I was fine so dw. I was close to something else but my partner came in the room and I stopped. Its crazy cause its all in my head I've only told my therapist some of it, no one else has any idea yet I feel so manipulative, like was apparently said in my last post I don't remember writing :') ah well.

I think part of this is just pushing against that barrier in my head that holds everything back. Its iron control. Its that part that does what needs to be done to stay alive. To keep us safe. It holds back the anger, the fear, the pain and patches us up. Gets us what we need in the moment and keeps us presenting as alright. Its the bit that doesn't let me throw anything, doesn't let me hit anything. Doesn't let me scream. Won't let me cry. It won't let me fall apart. Its job is to make sure we don't. And part of me is determined to tear it down. Crack us open.

I dunno, I am talking rubbish. Ill me makes no sense ahhahah. Well better make myself sleep.

Covid sucks, I find being ill makes my dissociation so much worse because my body hurts so I dissociate. I end up almost permanently dissociated which isn't great. I am so tired.

My therapist asked if I would be safe over her break (first 2 weeks of august) it was kinda sweet. I just responded that I have no idea, a month away is a long time right now. I want to fast forward to november. I am so tired.

I don't feel safe right now. My therapist asked if I was scared my father would turn up at my house. I said yes. Now it's put the thought at the front of my mind again. She keeps bringing up telling my mum. Why would I tell my mum I know what my dad did, what if she knows? what if she doesn't know? She'll tell him anyway. It's not safe. He's not safe. I am scared.

My arts got disturbing. Its scaring me. Today there was an angel with horrible stuff happening underneath. And a smol girl strapped to a chair.

My teeth have been bothering me. I am terrified of them needing work because one keeps flairing up in pain and I want to get it sorted but I am so scared of the dentists. Also I have a coil and have no idea how I am going to get that removed. I am worrying about all these pointless things. I am so tired.

I had a dream last night where I was for some reason unable to avoid my father. I ended up having to go into a room alone with him which terrified me, I wanted to stand up for myself but I felt unable to. When I went in the room my mum was also in there, staring at her computer. I felt instantly relieved i was not alone with him. Being a dream the segway makes no sense but I am with him and he doesn't understand and he's so sad (I am no contact with him in real life) I want to comfort him but I am also disgusted and terrified of him. I want him to comfort me. I start thinking maybe he didn't rape me as a child? Why would I want the comfort of and to comfort the man who raped me? And my brain just couldn't cope with the one person being so many things. My carer who gave me hugs and cared for me when I was ill, the person I cared for and comforted when he cried or couldn't cope, the person who said the most horrific things, and hurt me. The person who raped me, strangled and drowned me. The person who let others do the same. They are all the same person. My brain felt like it was splitting apart and I just started screaming as I could not cope. The last thing I saw was the eyes of my abuser staring at me with the eyes of a child, full of tears with no idea what he had done.

It seems strange I can only scream in my dreams, and even then it's forced. I have to push so so hard for it to no longer be silent.

Been a bit much, cousin contacted me inviting me to her birthday, to which I responded no. I have a nurses appointment for a "physical" which is making a lot of my brain just scream. My best friend is having repeated cancer screenings because of having a gene that means she will get it at some stage in the next 30 years or so.

Also had a meeting with my care coordinator today, didn't expect much but she actually gave me an update which really really threw me. The personality disorder outpatient they were looking into getting me into said they couldn't accept me because I was too high risk, which I find kinda hilarious. However on another point apparently my psychiatrist wants to refer me out of the area to get an official DID assessment. I didn't mention DID to my psychiatrist because well n1 its scary, n2 I spend a good portion of my life convinced I am being ridiculous even talking about it or considering it and n3 I didn't want to bias anything or seem like I was asking for the diagnosis. I did ask for references to help with my dissociation, but this is terrifying. If I give permission my psychiatrist is going to apply for funding saying they have exhausted all stuff locally and want this assessment. I've felt like throwing up since I heard, and since I hate feeling sick thats not helping.

I keep feeling this intense need to return to a certain place and do specific stuff which is driving me nuts. Its like theres a whole freaking comic strip of what I need to do with a big gap in the middle which I "need" to research. Also realised in my mind I think there is a girl on a beach reciting my address, like an old one. On repeat. Had to search for it in a therapy session last week and its been on freaking repeat since then. Like never ending. My head is so freaking loud. Screaming, crying, repeating addresses.

I'm really tired and honestly feeling pretty scared. I don't feel safe and its freaking me out. I'm keeping on doing my weird scrapbook idea though, just like getting stuff out of my mind. It freaks me out sometimes what comes up but I am trying to just go with it and it does help release the pressure somewhat.

If safe means being small and hidden in a box, what does safety look like as a functioning adult?

My brains everywhere, I am spinning out tbh. Don't mind me ahah.

My brains so loud. So loud. I don't know how to make it quieter.

In my dream last night I went to them. I don't know who them is most of the dream has been lost. I wanted them to make me forget. Desperately. I want them to find me and make me forget. For some reason they didn't but a bunch of other triggering stuff happened and I can't remember much of that either. Just feel off kilter today.

I also realised something just now. When I said no to my old boss I was not expecting him to respect it. And I mean he didn't, but I expected him to just do whatever he wanted anyway not to push for permission. He wanted me to give him permission, but he wanted a fight. Part of me knew that and became his perfect dance partner. I became exactly what he wanted naturally like I'd been doing it my whole life. Folding to the whims of eccentric abusive old men.

Also found this quote today and it resonated with me

"Words then seem to take on terrifying pro-portions; they are both too powerful and completely useless"

Andd then i was sectioned... only a 24hr thankfully but could have done without. Was a plan building by parts for weeks, I looked up to see if the 27th-28th of July was an important date. It in fact is... a bad date. My last big attempt was last July but a bit earlier in the month. Anyway see if it happens next year. Seems despite my best attempts the roll from May-June-July is just... not good. Feels like a runaway train.

Anyway there was lots of obsessive "I must return" stuff, some SH stuff and then the part that SH'd (I was half there ish/in and out) panicked because it hurt and they had been told they couldn't feel pain. Called emergency number upset and confused, police were sent and coxed us away from our designated drain cover. Then the worst thing possible happened. I had been registered as a missing person by this stage and apparently my parents including my father decided to try and find me. So totally out of our collective minds and going by the name Angel around the back of a police vehicle comes my fucking father. I get even more confused at this point and totally back out for part of this, but apparently I ran into the middle of the road screaming, got cuffed and sectioned.

So yeh, got out yesterday of a 24hr hold but I am so done right now. This stuff is messing up my life so bad. Beginning to wonder if I am not just psychotic or something. This shit ain't normal. Plus my parents saw me in such a vulnerable position which I hate beyond all measure. They already told my sister what they saw, so at some stage I need to deal with this. I don't even know what to do anymore. The more we try to help the worse it gets, the more I remember the worse it gets. It's just getting worse constantly.

It doesn't seem to matter that I don't always black out, and that my losing of time is more... holes in narratives. I still get walked around like a freaking puppets by parts driven by stuff I can't even begin to find. Angel was trying to find "Them" who in gods name is "Them". So tired.