Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

Bad head day today, woke up feeling intensely suicidal and its not fading. Dw not going to do anything today or anything I just desperately want to get work over so I can focus on some intense distraction.

Have dentists appointment on Friday. I have no idea how I am going to do this, yet once again I am met with this odd fear that once I get there I will just switch off and that will be that. Like I mean great what needs to be done will be done, but at the same time I hate the fact despite the fact something is unbelievably triggering for me I at the same time just shut down for it. I spend weeks terrified and yet when I get there I'll be fine, cause thats what we do. Switch off.

Have therapy today and not sure if I want to get there or not, still in half a mind to quit and not tell my partner. Break up with him, move out. Complete the self destruction cycle. In my head its like I am still alone and trapped and helpless. The cognitive dissonance between that and reality is confusing me. So much wants to recreate that isolation. No one to support me or care for me. Maybe move in with my self destructive "friend" and we can spiral together into some kinda hate filled hole. IDK. I know it's not logical but that intense need to recreate and to destroy seems to be running half of my brain today. A lot of me just wants to run away, take a beautiful journey and let this end that way :).

So as you can see from above, I am feeling all kinds of messed up today lol.

Went to the dentists, its very blurry. Remember crying and being told I need 3 fillings. Is all very 3rd person. My dentist has a stutter and that calmed me some. Had a panic attack on the way home, little wanted a teddy nearly came out in appointment which would have been bad. No idea how I am going to do these fillings. They suggested sedation but I am very scared of that. Exhausted. So exhausted. Slept for 5hours after the appointment. Trying to work now but kinda embarrassed I had to turn down meeting cause I/we/someone is struggling to speak. Fluent sentences are not going to happen right now. Feel so shut down right now.

Helped that the dentists chair was lime green not blue, and had tiny arms, nothing I could be strapped to.

Had a lovely day to day, we went shopping to this really fancy food shop, like a village farm shop, but much bigger. It had a lot of delicious food, I found it really fun. My partner got some lovely stuff for a paella as I got him a pan for it for his birthday. Found purple bananas I liked them!

Got to cooking the food, mine a vegetarian one went fine. His went wrong in all the ways. It was straw on the camels back due to other stuff going on recently. I hoovered in the kitchen because I froze when I saw he was upset and angry. He got annoyed I was there and started yelling, tell me to eat my food because at least I had some etc. I get why he was angry and do not blame him for yelling, but I can't deal with yelling. Went on auto pilot and found myself upstairs having a panic attack while eating food I couldn't taste because he had told me to eat the food and in my brain apparently that meant I had to eat. Took me a bit to calm down and realise I didn't need to eat. Glad I got to that step to be honest. Anyway then it went in circles, he was angry I was upset, I was upset he was angry blah blah blah. Finally he calmed down, which has helped me settle. I cleaned up after everything cause thats what I always used to do and it made me feel more in control. I tidy up afterwards and make sure everything is clean and put away.

Now I am upstairs drinking wine for the first time in a long old time. Between the dentists some other stuff and this my brains into bad coping mechanism time. Partner has judged if I should be drinking but I don't care.

I had a lovely day, but damn am I exhausted.

Yo, dunno why I feel a need to write here. I've been in a daze all day but its not necessarily been bad. Just out of it. Played sims 3 for the first time in ages which was great fun! I love that game ahha. If you can't have a good family go and make your own! I always make the parents and kids have great relationships and have healthy rebellion at teenage years with supportive parenting. Calms me to do. Went to my parents family for dinner, was lovely though draining. There were 5 dogs lol. It was a little insane ahha.

[tw nightmare, rape]
Struggling with a nightmare I had last night. A young man who raped me when I was very young but I didn't remember wanted to rape me again. He was angry he hadn't gotten to as much as he wanted. I was going to let him do it partially because I was frozen but part due to a desperate need to reenact what had happened that I didn't understand. I got a flashback at some stage that was meant to be the first time he raped me but it can't have been because it was of me looking a bit older and drunk, he took advantage of me when I passed out then. The first time was in a shed when I was very small I think or those were my dream flashbacks. Lol its kinda like inception when you get dream flashbacks.

The person who did it was in the police force. Someone else from the police stopped it but then the police force separated into factions. The guy who raped me was kicked out somehow. There was a lot more in a lot of detail, much in 3rd person, except for at the start where it was first person. My father was also involved somewhere in all this but he was worse.

As ever it wasn't a flashback in a dream, but parts... parts bug me. I am realising that I think there is more truth I my dreams than I was ever willing to give them credit for. I woke up desperately needing to reenact something though i didn't know why. I've been struggling with it all day. I won't do that to my partner as it will really really upset him, but it's hard.

@Lilibuth12 Partners, not parents family. Parents family would not have been good.

I am so so so so bored of having mental health issues xD ahahha. I resign from them, here have my notice. :P

Honestly before my trauma was boring, I was wondering why I kept going round and round in circles about the same old thing, wondering why I was still struggling so much when I'd talked it all to death. now its gotten more 'interesting' in terms of content. But christ its so boring to live. Yayyy up again, oooooohhh down, eeeee lets see how far down, ohhhh up a bit, eeeee down. Like ffs. The oscillation is infuriating. Being ill from the outside is lying in bed, a lot. Unable to focus or enjoy anything because for some reason you just can't.

Anyway can feel myself going down again and struggling to fight it. Honestly I should monitor the number of activity here, when its up its not going well ahahhaha. I have a terrifying appointment tomorrow.

Got a letter from my care coordinator saying my care plan. Just so much of it was wrong, dismissive or not discussed with me. It's triggered me so bad, well more than me. It's all gotten very loud.

The reason I was referred was apparently because I turned up to the hospital suicidal, not because I attempted 3 times before that. I apparently don't have any physical issues, or medication I am taking for them. And apparently my care coordinator wants me discharged from her in March.

And you know what. I don't even like her. They've given me no help. No support. Nothing. I am as ever on my fucking own. Honestly the whole service is just triggering. Asking for help repeatedly and getting ignored, speaking to someone and they ignore the important things in what you say, downplaying your experience repeatedly. Struggling alot with feeling very very small right now. I don't exist. This should stop now.

@Lilibuth12

I hate to just barge in on your journal...I feel like I am intruding. But I just wanted to say I am so sorry that you feel you are always on your own, fighting to get help and having that land on deaf ears - no one in your corner - no one even Listening to YOU! Yes, that downplaying of what is going on with you - words you speak almost having no meaning to anyone.

I so so so FEEL this with you and I feel this in my life as well. I am FEELING this right with you. You are not alone with this.

I don't know if this helps at all, but it kind of helps me sometimes. My mother found this old NIKE add, and had it typed up and framed for me. This is what it said:

" All your life you are told the things you cannot do.

All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough.

They'll say you're the wrong weight or the wrong height or the wrong or the wrong type

to play this or be this or achieve this.

They will tell you no, a thousand times until the no's become meaningless.

All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly.

They will tell you no.

And you will tell them yes."

- I always hung onto that saying in my heart - my whole life, fighting for myself, alone - fighting for the right... to exist. This seemed to help give me some silent inner strength to keep fighting, eve when I think I can't anymore. I hope this helps you, too.

So things went wrong. Planning had been going on for ages but I couldn't talk about it and every time I thought of going for help it was like the thought was stolen and I would just have all the horrible things the hospital might say to me listed in my head.

Anyway long story short I got taken on a long journey that I do remember parts of, spent most of it talking to my captor as it was... He walked us to the edge of a cliff and not sure if he realised the reality of what he had to do but we managed to win back control eventually. Got help from the police. idk. Scared to be honest. I kept trying to turn around and go to the hospital but he would just laugh at me and keep on walking. I was so exhausted at the top cause he ever let us stop and the body isn't fit.

There are no services where I am to help. Or rather they are but as my partner said to me "you don't think you deserve any real help" which might be true. He said I fit pretty much every single one of this specialist hospitals criteria. Though he was worried that cause I was a suicide risk they may not take me... but I don't know how to deal with that cause I need some help. My partner and I are both terrified I am going to end up gone before we figure out how to help.

@Lilibuth12 I hope that you get the help that you deserve soon. You will be in my thoughts.

@Lilibuth12 I know there's not much I can say to combat what you feel - I agree with Branch though and hope something can help - you do deserve it

*sending you strength*

SH'd. my partner is going to be so angry and upset with me. He (the suicidal alter) kept yelling we needed punishing. We needed to hurt. He's been doing it for days. I am so exhausted. I just gave in. Everything's so out of control and I am struggling to fight. I need to be strong and fight but I don't know how. I barely even know who "me" or "I" is anymore. It's all such a mess and once again I am been driven by 1000 things I don't understand or control. People yelling next door: shut down. Asking for help: Overwhelming guilt. Existing: A freaking struggle.

I came here to write something but what it was I don't know. Oh yes. I am having to cancel my dentists appointment, I think it was a key trigger for this latest episode but I forgot it happened/was a trigger. The appointment is Tuesday and I quite simply cannot risk it. I don't think I will be able to do it without being sedated anyway, but I don't trust anyone to sedate me and I despise drugs like that. So for now it's just getting cancelled. Honestly I can't trust that the sedation won't end up being as much of a trigger as the stupid appointment not sedated.

So yeh. A dentists appointment is being cancelled cause it might kill me. Oh the stupidity.

Struggling a lot with "no one can help us" "no ones taking us seriously" "we are going to be abandoned" head yelling. It's making us want to do more stupid things just to get attention this time. To even be feeling this way right now is really embarrassing for me. I don't do needy. I despise attention seeking in myself. It's behaviour to be squashed. Making a fool out of yourself for attention just made me a lonely fool.

I did it. I filled in a form on my doctors website asking to be referred to the mental health service that might help me. I tried to describe the problem as clearly as I could, and I even mentioned some scary stuff I normally never tell medical professionals because I don't want to be laughed at. It was a long form but I committed to doing it cause I called the service and they said if my community team were not being helpful to go through my GP. Now despite the fact they said they would aim to get back Monday (and normally thats earliest) they are actually calling me today. I really really struggle talking to medical professionals about mental health due to a lot of bad experiences and without this form I may not have done it, so I am terrified. Wish me luck peps. I really hope this goes well <3

@Lilibuth12

You'll be in my thoughts. I hope everything goes well

@Lilibuth12 Good luck! I hope things go well and everything works out in your favor!

For the doctors phone call the other day they took me seriously <3 I am so relieved. The doctor agreed if things were getting worse then we needed to get in contact ASAP with the specialist service. I could just cry. I am now terrified they are going to reject my referral as in the UK you need special funding for tertiary care, but trying not to think about it. I am calling back late next week to see how its gone.

In other news I am very sad about one of my best friends. She's definitely an alcoholic now. Drinking it sounds like close to 2 bottles of wine a night. Every night it seems. She's moving close to me soon and I am terrified she's going to turn up at mine drunk. I can't be dealing with that right now. Honestly I am terrified about it because its a forced invasion of my personal space, with someone who's unpredictable and scares me when drunk. I can't be dealing with that. I hate these situations because I struggle to stand up for myself anyway, let alone someone who scares me. Plus she's one of those people who wants everyone to drink with her... which since I really cannot afford to be drinking right now is... bad.

Finally I keep dreaming about my father. Every goddamn dream. He doesn't do anything, he just exists making me feel unsafe and uncomfortable constantly for reasons I can never pinpoint. Without my sleep meds I keep getting these dreams but my medication can't be taken every day. Its exhausting.

I don't normally like to post twice in one day, feels self indulgent lol. But I am feeling sad. I keep wanting to SH, badly. I am not looking after the ones I've done like I am hoping sepsis will get me or something stupid. I know its dumb but my brain wants control so bad and honestly overwhelmed at the idea of living with the stuff in my head.

Also with this doctors referral I am just sitting here telling myself I am not bad enough, that no one will help, that no one can help on repeat. That I am wasting their time. I feel so ashamed. I don't normally do shame, or not much I admit to. You're not meant to feel shame for what you didn't do. But what about what you did do? But then also I am scared I am too bad. Too suicidal, too self harm(y), too much. So I am simultaneously too much and not enough, ain't that typical. My brain seems to love contradictions of self.

My grandad has become a fear in my head. My dad hated his father an unnatural amount, his mental health issues are no way just chemical, that man has trauma. And when someone mentioned a car I associate with the interior of my grandads car I had flashbacks. Not of anything really just that doom feel, the stupid shiny wood paneling. I keep "knowing" the time we stayed over for a weekend with my grandparents, I hated it. I hated it. hated. Yet I loved my grandad, he payed me attention like no one else in my life ever did. When he passed I held onto the guilt for years. Who knows. Anything. He could just be a lovely old man, why can I not trust any men? Especially in my family.

Don't know why I even bothered contacting the crisis team. They are busy and I am wasting their time.

Feeling really fragile. Talked with my therapist she thinks I need an assessment to work out whats really going on. It's causing problems. Parts are angry. My head hurts. Wrote to them and asked them to be kind because we are scared. They sent over a lot of stuff, many videos which spiralled everything. They responded and were nice but very overwhelmed.

Less blurry! Yay! For the first time in days I feel like I have some kind of head on my shoulder thats not completely driven by fear, thank goodness. I ended up in some kind of strange breakdown yesterday, very blurry between Alice and I as well as Lily of which most I remember is crying.

So filled in the assessment forms, as always worried I didn't fill them in accurately enough, especially since I am not entirely sure how much of a part I had in filling them in xD and my emotions were... well like everything else blurry lol. But I've read it over and its not highly inaccurate, I hope.

I write all this but at the same time right now my heads in "its all fake" land, which is kinda fine by me. I scored high but its likely just being dramatic ahaha. Like this stuff needs much trauma and most of what has been "remembered" is too ridiculous to be real.

Got a chat on Tuesday about this assessment, asked my partner to be involved as normally I forget to ask any questions and sit there not really realising whats going on. May kick him out though, I hate anyone but me being involved in my stuff. I asked him if he will leave, even mid call, if I ask him to. He said yes, so that makes me happy. Less awkward. Not sure how much I will believe the results of this test cause if the drama parts are running the show we will look rather pathetic ahahha. Lets see.

Had a good day again. Tidied some of the kitchen very slowly and used a cleaner I've avoided a long time, it worked surprisingly well and my partner was in the same room so that make it easier. Played video games with my partner and his friend the rest of the day. Even managed to eat a bit more today.

Sorry for the end of the post yesterday, my brains in a war right now about whats real and whats not. It's causing... inconsistencies.

Was somehow advertised a book I read when I was a young teen. I was obsessed with books about child abuse. Sexual abuse. I didn't realise I knew about dissociation that young, or at least in my head it feels young. I didn't learn about this stuff from the internet. I learned it in the library. I find that fascinating. Shortly described it's a book about a woman who was sexually abused and neglected as a child and thusly developed anorexia and DID. I've been obsessed with books full of very damaged people I could relate to a long old time it turns out.

Anyway, instead of running away, we were in "disprove anything was real" mode, and decided to download it, at least parts certain the book would be the basis for our own "story". The idea being that our flashbacks were instead made up from this book. Unsurprisingly (or surprisingly depending on who is speaking) it is not our flashbacks. In many ways it is not similar at all. But some parts of the book so far (and I am not far through at all) kinda lined stuff up I regularly lose. I tried writing them up but it was too much. Anyway it reminded me of stuff. I need to stop reading this book honestly.

Monday went wrong, though not as bad as it could have been. Managed to bargin my way to the hospital. Haven't self harmed since then. Partner called police though because I went missing, thankfully managed to avoid another social media outcry though...

Think I am going to stop therapy. I think it's making things worse. Parts don't want to speak, don't want to go. The acting out is feeling more and more out of my control, though it does vary. It's often being triggered by opening a box in therapy. It's often triggered by life as well though so who knows how this will go.

Any time on my own though and my brain just plummets though. Plus this time its Friday night. I hate Friday night. Friday and Saturday nights my partner stays up really really late. So unless I stay up till 4-5am I have to go to bed alone. And I would stay up but that often makes things worse. So its 1:30am Saturday and I know it gets bad about 2am, it's getting bad now. And I just can't make myself sleep. I know we are in our room. It's safe. It's comfortable. It's not the same. But the idea of sleeping is all too much. So often I just want to hide downstairs and sleep on the sofa. Sleep on the floor. Anywhere really but the bed. Or the bathroom. Not the bathroom.

Anyway enough down this hole. I am alive, not exactly well but thats not new. Doing as best as can be expected. Have played many a video game this week and that has been fun. Now I need to sleep, so sleep we shall.

@Lilibuth12 *sending you strength* I can understand the problems with therapy and that some don't talk or want to go. Is there any way for you to reason with them? To explain that it's unfair to those who do want to go? Can you offer rewards or maybe a treat or something that would maybe entice them to at least go and they dont have to talk if they dont want to? Which its ok too if there's nothing that could convince them

I hope you can get some sleep

@mytwistedsoul Thanks for your comment :) I always read them by the way I just struggle to reply. I think the issue is that their issue is me finding out more. For some of them I've already found out too much. When the idea of stopping therapy was kinda considered its bought such a weight off the back of my mind where previously they were constantly yelling. If I felt confident my therapist could help me deal with this stuff I would likely not quit, but so far she seems as out of her depth as me and though I've found her great over the years I think I at least need a break to recuperate. I don't know if it will work but I feel I need to try.

@Lilibuth12 You're welcome :) No worries ok? There's never any pressure to reply back or anything. Guess sometimes I just like to write to let you know you're not alone and that someone is listening

There's nothing wrong with taking a break or even stopping therapy. Sometimes it does make things easier and calms things down. Unfortunately it is really hard to find a therapist that deals with alot of this stuff and if you're not confident in her - then it probably is best to take a break. You know what's best for you - ya know? And there's nothing wrong with giving it a try :)

So... my sister is really angry at me for the way I am treating my father (no contact). Found out through a mutual friend because she hasn't told me. I am not surprised. She has a co-dependant relationship with my parents, especially my father. I always took the brunt of things for her and protected her as best I can (though with limited memories I have no idea if I succeeded but you do what you can). My dad is apparently devastated I won't speak or have anything to do with him.

Apparently my sis thinks that I may have been abused sexually growing up but it can't have been from our father. And thus me ignoring him is unfair and cruel.

Eh. Not sure I feel much about it at the moment. Sad maybe somewhere, but I don't know how to feel it right now.

**TW: Graphic sexual/rape**

Nightmares. I hate nightmares. I hate how much nightmares are a part of my life. Had 2 I remember last night.

The first one is a little more blurry. 3 men who raped me (I think?) were also my family and were trying to find me. I was running and hiding from them, a totally mess. One got to me and tried to cut down my arm to kill me. I survived. I remember finally being safeish and going to see my child. I had never met them and had no idea what to do with them. But I loved them so much.

The second one I confronted by father about what he had done. I didn't intend to at the start but he made me so angry. For some reason I was over at my parents house, my sister, mum and dad were there. My fathers back had been hurt and he was struggling to move, I had been helping out with things. He at one stage lay down and said sometimes it hurt enough he floated away from himself, then looked at me and said he didn't think I could understand how that felt. I was furious. Grabbed him by his collar and hissed in his face I'd been in that level of pain most of my life. Then time switched cause I panicked and I was on my bike (moped I had as a teen) running away. But I couldn't escape no matter which way I went I was so out of it before I knew it I was back at the house again. I knew he would want to talk about it and I was terrified. I was trying to escape again when my sister found out and told me I was a lier, he found me screaming at her that he was a rapist. He then cornered me somewhere, I want to say the kitchen but I don't really know. He wanted to talk about it. He kept pushing and he turned nasty. He knew I knew and now all bets were off. He started grabbing me, telling me I wanted things I didn't. He then took his clothes off and lay down, he was trans which confused me. But he was grabbing me and making me do things I didn't want and forcing himself on me. I woke up to myself screaming and struggling to get away from him.

Dreams are weird. I hate them. I just want to sleep normally lol.

Went to bed at 8pm, managed to sleep till 8am. Still had nightmares but less graphic and didn't stick around. Managed to get enough sleep that I don't feel like absolute death today which is awesome.

Care coordinator today, I bought up some stuff she had said that concerned me and tried to use the I feel... because... when... etc. kinda syntax so I improved our relationship instead of making it worse. She was lovely but somehow is triggering my mum vibes which is making everything feel very unsafe. Anyway had a bit of a breakdown on the way back despite the fact it went well.

Still managed to play some games with friends this evening xD so that was nice. There is good things in the world. If I ignore my head screaming lol.

TW Graphic dream/sexual/ritual/religious

Well that took a turn. Just had one of the worst nightmares I've ever had. I need to get it out of my head. Genuinely not sure I've ever been as close to throwing up from a dream as I am now. I have once, but it's been 10 years.

Was in a video game I have been playing, my best friend took over something slowly. She slowly trapped us all with her abusive partner. We didn't realise we were being trapped, they were so nice and sweet yet they were trapping us. Trapping us for this ritual. There were many(? multiple?) of us. Some were going to d*e. Others were going to be raped. They tried pinning me to the floor multiple times before the ritual, trying to do stuff to me. The disgusting feeling of someones saliva I don't want. Trying to kiss me and do other stuff. I had gotten away a few times but I wasn't getting away this time. I was so angry and terrified knowing this was opening boxes I couldn't close. All I remember is these weird two hands posed to make ang*ls wings. It was a ceremony to the ang*ls. 2 of us managed to escape and found this other person but no matter what we did they found us. Fucking dogs. It was awful. You couldn't get away. Woke up just before the inevitable happened cause I couldn't mentally take the fact I couldn't escape. "Ang*ls are scarier than d*mons."

I can't feel safe now. No where is safe. flickering candles, night, being held down, angels. It just makes me want to be gone, I just can't take it. I know logically its just a dream but something in its not. I just feel so sad. Sad, scared. Lost all hope. Primary thought being "They can't do that to me again".

I never want to sleep ever again.

Welp, I really hate the fact this site does not let you delete posts. I would much rather delete the last post to be honest, or at least edit it. Don't need reminders of that freaking awful nightmare.

Done okay since the Tuesday night fiasco. Got a grand total of 90mins sleep, SH'd a bunch, just found a message in my diary about needing to punish ourselves for that date so assuming its related. It's blurry but I do remember being very suicidal. However I managed to work and attended therapy. Though was depressed emo kid pretty much, not sure we got anywhere. Not sure how much of me was present.

So yeh as usual feeling kinda okay. Tired, aware I am walking pretty close to the cliff, but I don't really feel it, I just know it. Eh the difference between knowledge and feelings is confusing lol.

In other news, after the talk with my care coordinator bought a paint by numbers, I think after the nightmare, do remember that. Anyway its super cute! Lots of pretty bright coloured succulents. Opened it. Looked at it. Closed it. It's giving me that "somethings wrong here" vibe. Want to burn it, or like throw it away. Always wondered why I loved paint by numbers apps and cross stitch but had never even considered buying a kit. Those stupid little pots give me many a freaky feeling. Nope. Hoping to give it to a friend so I can get the evil feeling object out of my house! Ah well lifes always interesting with this stuff.

No therapy next week, we shall see how it goes, she's back the week after. Kinda a quitting trial run, though both of us are worried after Tuesday night it may not be a good idea to stop. We shall see I guess.

Today had some drama. Nothing terrible, drama thats becoming kinda normal for my partner and I at the moment. He's overwhelmed by everything as am I. I went to the shops to buy some stuff for the DIY we were doing. When I came back he was really angry about the DIY stuff he was working on, so I being me froze. He got annoyed I froze and more angry when I said sorry (which I always do when I freeze and someones angry). Anyway he got more angry I froze more etc. I then got angry and told him that his anger is valid and allowed, but so is my freeze response. It scares me and thats my reaction to fear. Anyway he hates the fact I get triggered by him sometimes, and that caused a whole new set of issues. Blurry blurry blurry, it eventually figured itself out over. Its not like its a problem in our relationship as such, more both of us being overwhelmed ends up in issues.

Other than that though had great fun playing video games this evening, gotta get up early tomorrow so thats going to be fun lol (its 3am here).

Did. Did they make money from me?

The specialist centre are not taking any more referrals. I feel so disappointed.

Think I've had a good week. At both work and like socialised with a friend.

Been having nightmares every night, thankfully not many really bad ones. Last nights I was swimming through jellyfish that were stinging me and on the other side of them were sh arks. So woke me up and not great but yah know, still getting sleep kinda. Sleep meds have stopped working cause I've taken them too much so I don't get that break either.

Its funny until this morning I've felt fine. Yet last time I went to the shop more stuff was bought I don't want, and still I've told no one. And still it's in my bag. It's so exhausting every time I get rid of the stuff it ends up back in my stupid bag. It's like this stupid escalation I don't think I even believe anymore.

On the fence about quitting therapy, when I feel fine I am happy to just like quit it all. Other times like this morning where I shut down etc its much harder.

My partner cannot cope with any of the younger ones. It's becoming a problem. He's making them feel so rejected. When they come out and are scared he just throws questions at them and has a breakdown. I can't deal with this cause then I get shoved out in front and they feel hurt and abandoned which makes everything worse. We are just not talking about it at all, he's just ignoring it and I don't know how to bring it up. Often they only come out if we are really triggered so it's not a good state to get rejected. The only exception is a few who come out to play but as they are less obvious he doesn't notice/seem as thrown.

I am exhausted. I am spending so much time feeling fine, yet when I write it down its not fine. I dislike writing in here sometimes because it makes me realise how not fine it all is.

My thoughts are not suitable to be shared here, however I am alive :)

@Lilibuth12 Hey :) You've been in my thoughts - I wanted to check in but didn't want to be annoying either lol

*sending you a safe hug - no pressure though*

Exhausted, I'm doing alright, largely by dodging as many triggers as humanly possible. Shower as little as possible but just enough to not be triggered the other way, no dentists, no doctors, no hair cuts, no chiropractor. No one touching me or putting me in situations my brain screams are triggers. It seems sad but what am I to do?

Nearly started stockpiling the new medication I got today but my partner asked the right questions and now has it -_-. Stupid medication lockbox of apparent safety lol. Hoping the new medication helps me sleep.

Hello myself, welcome to my head.

Slept, like got real sleep. OMG amazing. Like so good. I cannot tell you how amazing it is. Unbelievable 2 nights of like -> go to sleep, wake up at a sensible time. Amazing.

*** TW: Sexual stuff ***
Been deliberately damaging myself sexually. Not with anyone else on my own. Its a habit I've had over my life and part of it is personal preference but sometimes its just destructive. Like everything in my life its a fine line... Scared sometimes i'll do real harm.
*** TW END ***

Decided to just accept I go everywhere with a bunch of stuff I definitely shouldn't have in my backpack. Every time I get rid it comes back, its pointless and expensive. It's just scare tactics.

Went on a well weird one with my therapist last week. Like omg so embarrassing. Why would I do that. A brain dump of stuff which was just... I dunno like a mix of intrusive thoughts and like dusty mind corners you never even acknowledge let alone tell someone about. So freaking awkward. May never talk every again to her. Best friend said its good I am opening up but am kinda of the opinion I should shut the hell up for once ahah.

Not sure about any of this parts stuff right now. Sometimes it seems so obvious and other times its just... nothing. Plus I keep thinking about stuff, like wouldn't I have had bruises and other damage? Like my memories are not... friendly. If they are memories at all... At the moment they feel like some fucked up persons need to be different. Why do brains think abuse makes you special? It doesn't it, makes you messed up as all hell, yet when you've been neglected your whole life being special in anyway is better than being nothing at all. If you've got nothing else to boast about, aye?

It makes me sad that I am too scared to ask anyone if they remember anything because number one, my family know I am not talking to my dad, any question is suspect. N2 because what if this is all made up? What if I really am so fucking messed up my brain made this stuff up? I know sure: your body keeps score. But you know what? I have no evidence. Nothing. Only my freaking messed up body and brain. And we all know how reliable they are. Not very. We lived a small and controlled life.

I am in pain from stuff I have done to myself, because I deserve it? Because it calms me? Because it feels safe? Because I am craving familiarity? Who knows. I sure as hell don't.

Think I've written several of these and deleted them over the last few weeks. I have been generally doing better. I've been cooking which is awesome. My therapist seemed happy I was more like my old self. She bought up names saying they were interesting, I asked her why. She said she felt like the patient all of the sudden which made me giggle. I asked her about her grey room, she said it was deliberate and told me she had painted the picture herself, she was proud of it. I told her I wasn't sure how to compliment 4 grey squares but that any art you are happy to put up on a wall and look at every day is good art. She seemed happy I said that, it made me feel nice to know I made her feel good about an obvious insecurity of hers.

Had some stuff turn up yesterday. As ever its all so faded and confused its hard to know if its just something my messed up head made up or a memory. I honestly think I genetically do not store memories like others do, I do not store images or anything, I cannot visualise and I don't think I ever have been able to. I think in language and feel in colours. I do remember feelings though, feeling small, peoples hands, their breath. A persons presence and that tension in the air so thick you could cut it with a knife.

The "memory" this time was of a guy. He was tall, but I am small so that is no surprise. He was kind though. When I was there I was his princess, it was nice to be someones princess. I want to hate him as an adult but the memories do not hate him. He was a kind one, different from the others. he still wanted what everyone else did but he was nicer about it. He didn't want to push or force, he almost romanced me? I dunno he made me feel special. He had kind eyes. A beard as well, I hate beards. Others were much worse. I felt sorry for him really, he seemed sad. Lonely. I was always lonely so I related to that. He said I made his days better.