Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

Woke up feeling really bad, took the morning off, had a meeting with my boss and then called in sick for the rest of the day. Was a bit disappointing I couldn't work today but I did some other productive stuff so I am feeling a bit better this evening.

Was a bit thrown, my boss is leaving the company in 6 months. I don't really know what to do with this information. He is one of the main reasons I have stayed at the company so long. He's a really good guy that wants to run a people first company. Hes great with mental health, really understanding and will work with you as long as you work with him. Thankfully the person I think will be taking on the personal side of his responsiblities is a coworker I also trust to be people first and very respectful so I am relieved at that. But it also means I am likely going to be taking on more responsiblity which with my mental state right now is rather daunting. Pleased I am thinking about the future at all though. Thats an improvement.

In other news I reported my old boss to the police today :O. It was 8 years ago when I was 19 that I left the company after he repeatedly sexually assaulted, raped and physically and emotionally abused me. I know I have no evidence and it won't make a case really. But just incase anyone else reported I've always felt I should and now I have. I am okay with this going nowhere if they can't take it anywhere. But after feeling so helpless with the other stuff going on this feels like I am atleast doing something proactive. I've done police statements etc. for these kinds of cases before so I know not to expect much lol.

Ended today feeling a little more in control of my life. So thats a relief. Its something :)

Bad nightmare last night. Woke up to someone screaming as they died with their child lying next to them. There was tonnes more to it, and just the other day I had one where I was in a car rolling down a hill getting shot at. My brains disturbing. Wish it would hold off a bit. Lots of dreams where I am not wearing clothes which is making me very uncomfortable.

However. There was a positive side (well for me(host??) anyway) to the nightmare. It managed to get me to call the crisis team I had the number for and tell them what the hell was going on. Its like a spell was lifted and I could finally make myself do it. Maybe the adrenaline did it? I don't freaking know. But I told this acually rather nice guy down the phone what was going on, and he referred me for an emergency assessment with my community mental health team. They made me come in after the assessment because they were worried, and I am seeing the home crisis team tomorrow to get assessed and see whats happening.

We either come up with a home treatment plan, they decided I don't need anything, or they politely request me to go to hospital (and if I fight get sectioned...). Honestly don't know what I am hoping for right now. I think I am expecting home treatment plan. Hoping I don't self sabotage and they decide I am not a risk, which with my current mental fight is possible. However the part of me that is kinda terrified how little control I have other this situation and how angry the it/he. He's furious with me. Like scary furious. He wants to show me what you get for ignoring him. Tonight is a struggle, but I don't feel able to call anyone. I just need to keep myself safe. I can do that I think/hope. Early morning tomorrow is the problem though. Hes obsessed with Saturday and I don't know why. I think I remembered some of why earlier, but then lost it. My brain and memory is a mess.

I am a little annoyed however I am getting treated as though I have a BPD split like "fight the thoughts", "everyone has them you know", "you have some much to live for". Its like I've tried telling you. It is a freaking person/thing in my head and it doesn't care. It really doesn't. And fighting it is currenty not going so well. I have 3 suicidal alters/parts though not aggressive ones, so they are not helping. None of them are even scared of losing stuff. It feels like only I care which is so frustrating. Add in one homicidal part and its going well.... yes well. Liam is also angry that I've told anyone stuff. Everything is just escilating. I don't know how to communicate to the freaking team. I need to stop them just assuming goddamn BPD all the time (no issue with anyone who has it, I mean I could have it and thats fine, but its not my only problem!).

The on site appointment today for the crisis stuff was so demeaning. I was lectured by a duty nurse for 10 mins while she tried to make eye contact (I told her I have autism!!) about how my life is so good, and I am "so lucky", "other people have had worse stuff happen to them" and "other people are in wose situations". I have a loving partner and a job and I should basically appreciate that. I needed to "fight the bad thoughts", "do you know how many thoughts people have in a day?". "everyone has these thoughts". "You are impusive". Oh for goodness sake. I am desperately asking for help, and only listening to this because I need the help. Why are you giving me this tyraid of rubbish. Despite years and years of mental health issues I have not used our national health system since I was a teen for mental health issues. I've paid for private therapists, dealt with it myself, I've never been into hospital for it or anything. Never. I am desperately begging you for help now because I know its different. Because I am self aware. Because I am scared. Please stop telling me that I basically shouldn't feel this way. And worst, I don't feel this way. A person in my head is taking over my body at least partially and making controlling my actions exceptionally hard. I am very angry right now. Then finaly to top of the cake she said she was praying she would see me on Monday. Keep your religion out of this, I was abused repeatedly with religion used as a weapon, its so triggering.

Waiting on an update from the police still. Worried they will try and contact me tomorrow, we shall see.

Leaving this now. Hoping I don't wake up early tomorrow. If I sleep hopefully I will stay safe.

I am alive, not hospitalised. Crisis team have been great. Not been a good day.

@Lilibuth12hi can we chat

Nearlly attempted again today. Well kinda did attempt. I knew it wasn't going to fail this time and my head is obessed with the number 3 so I stopped early. I hurt but its honestly a good kinda pain now. Maybe something's very wrong with my head but I crave it. Its funny like: I am very sucidal, but I also like the number 3 xD ahahha.

Contacted the crisis team again. Honestly I was told by the community mental health team alot of people don't like them. And sure I totally freaked out and swore at them yesterday at the assessment.... (awkward) I appologied later I promise. Though not gunner lie I was totally overwhelmed. But I like how practical they are. They acually listen to me and don't try and sell me on platitudes. They know I don't care for bullshit I just need their help to stay alive right now. I appreciate that. A bit awkward that I literally know which nurse will be on call at night each day though. Lol. After all this mess and I called them and they convinced me to go home. Then take the damn sedatives again, which I freaking hate. I hate these things. I want to suffer, I don't want to sleep. On the upside they are prioritising me seeing a psychiatrist who they think may be able to give me some meds to help me, which is good. I think. Not sure how meds are going to help my path of self destruction though. I like the pattern, theres something attractive in it. Jesus christ I am a mess right now.

Oh and I know one of my major triggers, though I was struggling with thoughts before that. My parents turned up. At my GODDAMN FUCKING DOOR. I called my sister yesterday and asked her to please tell them to stop contacting me for a bit because I was struggling and I needed a break. So my sister talked to them this morning along with one of my best friends who knows whats going on to some extent and tried to convince them not to see me. So they traveled to my house bringing me plants. I just don't know what to do. I love my parents. I can't match what I now know to them. I just can't face it. I know they have abused me repeatedly but at the same time they are some of the only people I talk to. Without them who will I even speak to outside of my partner and my best friend. It'll make stuff awkward for my sister. I am going to make peoples lives hard. And I am going to make them sad. I don't want to make them sad. Why can I not forget all of this. I don't want to take out my issues on the plants, but I can't face them right now. I don't want them in my garden. I don't want to see them. I don't want these memories to infect my safe places. But plants are living things and I refuse to abuse them. I just hate everything right now.

I am so tired. I am so so so tired. Of everything. I just want to give up right now. Everyone wants to tell me it will get better. And maybe it could. But it would change. And I am so overwhelmed right now any change seems like too much.

Still waiting for the police to contact me but kinda glad they haven't right now.

Been one of those days where the anxiety is up to 200%. Doesn't help my new part thats obessed with saturdays and the number 3 seems to have OCD. Who knows whats going on I may just be rolling with it now.

Spent most of the day taking sedatives and sleeping. Was quite amused when one of the crisis team members said I needed to eat more because I was jittering so much ahhaha. Looked it up and a significant amount of energy burnt if you just shake all day lol.

Less suicidal today, more thoughts of self harm. Yesterday seems to have quieted things a little atleast. Funny that a day full of anxiety and sedatives is a "good" day for me at the moment. Ah well such as life.

So... today I saw a pychiatrist and was diagnosed with Bipolar. Much to much shock to be honest. I was all set up to fight the BPD thing and make sure if they were going to diagnose me with it it was the right one. And then it was all focused on Bipolar and I was like whaaaaaa. But there you go. At first I was very surprised but honestly? It kinda makes sense.

Does mean I am a little concerned about pychosis and what that means for some of the stuff thats been going on recently. Alice, Lily and Liam feel solid. But I am concerned that this unknown person in my head has been part of pychosis, especially considering the obsession with patterns and the number 3. I have no idea. This whole thing has thrown rather a spanner in my understanding of myself. Heck mental illness why you be so complex!

But I have been practically vibrating for two days straight, I have been all over the place, I am pretty sure I am in a mixed episode (which means I have manic and depressive symptoms all mixed together) which would explain the hyper active energy with the loss of interest and depressive state. Looking back I realise its been coming on for months, which is a little alarming. Told my partner and he looked shocked and then sat there and was like... honestly that makes alot of sense! I told him when he joked about dating a manic pixie dream girl he didn't realise quite how literal that would be lol.

Made cupcakes today and lost an hour which was... awkward. Turned around to put something in the dishwasher and it was on, I wanted to add it and my partner stopped me, I was like why. He said it had been on for an hour already. Which honestly freaked us both out because I had no idea any time had passed at all. I kept forgetting what I was doing and just ... everywhere. I still can't stop shaking and it feels like my being is imploding.

So yes. I have a wonderful double dose it seems. Basically trauma and remembering the traumatic memories has come hand in hand with a Bipolar episode. Beautiful. Self harmed in a way I haven't in 8 years this morning. It was alarming and honestly depressing. I am having alot of urges to hurt myself. Being asked about elaborate plans, I couldn't think of any at the time but realised some of the plans in my head right now could be considered elaborate.

Anyway, on a non self pitying note ahahha. I now have some medication that is alteast a start to getting me more stable. Thank goodness. It's likely going to take a whlie, but I really really hope there is a something soon. With the weekend coming up fast I am kinda worried about getting hospitalised if this does keep getting worse. Weekends are not good for me at all, hopefully we can all manage it in the house but really I don't know. Kinda scared tbh. Lets see :)

I am freaking my partner out right now so much. He's really struggling with how I can't sit still or calm down. He cried alot this morning because I was super agitated and kept looking for things without knowing what I was looking for. I gave him hugs and tried to offer him a banana which seemed to make it worse.

Struggling alot still with suicidal thoughts and intrustive thoughts. I keep wanting to just get on a train and run away. Like somewhere far far away. Like maybe I can outrun my head. Feel so trapped inside my own body right now. I just wanna escape. My partner was very upset at my self harm yesterday. I feel like a bad partner. Keep thinking that I am too much trouble and that if I wasn't here their life would be easier. I know its not logical, but it feels logic. I am a huge strain right now.

I've taken so many tablets today and they want me to sleep but I don't want to sleep right now. I wanna run away. If I come down off this odd high feeling all I have to come back to is trauma I can't cope. Part of me likes it more here. I can just lose my mind and its fine. Like I could go out and escape. I want to escape so bad.

Think my dad. may have bipolar too. He randomly buys things. Once he bought a boat on impulse and just casually told us we all had to go and pick it up the next day on a 3hr drive each way. My mum freaked out.

Been hitting my head against the wall alot. My partner said he would take away all the sharp things if I do what I did yesterday again. Makes me angry so I need to not do it again. I don't want to get angry at him.

Today is not a good day. My life right now just feels like its not good. Why did they strangle me? How many hands have been on my body? So many. I can't even count, I don't even know. I just get sense of the smell, some pain. uncomfortable feelings. Stuff I don't want to identify. Being unable to breath. Wish none of this ever happened to me. I just want them to hospitalise me now. I don't trust myself at all. I am barely holding on. Everyones like "wait for the drugs" its like yeh sure. I don't think I can wait you stupid lksdjfglakjsdlfgkj. What do you want me to do WHILE I wait? Destroy my damn life? I hate them all right now. I think I need therapy as well but like what? Do I get help on the NHS if I go private for a bit? Will anyone even help? No. Noone can help me.

Found the song "Manic" by Plumb. Not going to lie, totally vibing to this. Really enjoying just listening to some loud noise. "Theres a chemical in your brain, its pouring sunshine and rage, you can never know what to expect, your manic, manic" really get that feeling right now. Not sure other people understand quite how scary it is to be kinda aware, but also be aware there is stuff you think is fine that is not fine. Like I am having to double check all my thoughts because if it was up to me god knows what I would be doing. I already am fighting taking my meds, which is frustrating because I know life would be easier if I did take them, but I dunno, right now I just wanna escape again.

I basically am taking so much medication right now its rediculous. Got my asthma meds, antidepressants, mood stablisers and antihistamines I use as sedatives. I know loads of people take more, but lol I feel rediculous. Also right now it feels like I am coming up bigg time. Like if you've ever taken uppers, its like thats started to kick in and I am going uppppppppp. Which is a strange feeling, and honestly if I wasn't so aware my brains fucked right now I would welcome it. Everything feels far away and all the trauma and stuff just isn't an issue. Kinda scared though that I feeling this with the amount of sedatives I've taken today... Hopefully I sleep tonight. The drugs normally seem to knock me out.

Played some games today with my partner and also went for a walk :D happy I acheived some stuff. Also cooked dinner :D For me this is honestly a big win. Though I have a migraine coming on, which is not such a big win.

Police tomorrow. Heck. Kinda scared to be honest. More scared I wont be able to keep my shit together. I know I am talking too fast most of the time atm. Still the crisis team will be here by the evening so hopefully that will be something.

Weekends coming up. Feels like a bullet train running at me right now. Why am I so damn scared of the weekend. Why is it such a huge trigger for me? Who knows. One day at a time.

I am alive, I havn't posted the last two days because its been very all over the place and I am struggling to read at the moment, let alone write. Plus its been pretty dark in my head and pretty sure anything I wanted to write I would not be able to post here (which is totally fair btw lol).

Yesterday I self harmed/attempted suicide badly and called the crisis team after and they called the ambulance. I was taken to hospital for what was essentially some pretty surface level wounds and then kept there for two hours, before I was told to go home. Didn't see a pych or anything, just sent home and the crisis team updated. Didnt see anyone from the crisis team yesterday and meant to be seeing them today. I am going to ask them about hospitalisation. I am struggling to work out if I am okay or not and often get so lost in self destructive thoughts I am going to keep doing myself harm. The 3 weeks is up that has been the count down in my head and now anything goes. I don't know if I am fighting the thing in my head or if we have just merged now. But I really don't know if I care.

I haven't been able to sit still for 6 days now. So shakey that honestly typing this is hard. Taken the pro-rata medication I can, but really I am just waiting. The crisis team are coming again today. I am worried I am just going to get left because I am not getting better. I don't even know. My head is all over the place, I am sure this post reflects that.

My parents despite multiple attempts to make it clear I didn't want to see or hear from them for a bit kept trying to call me, call my partner and last week turned up at my door. So my partner finally replied to them saying that alot of this was triggered due to abuse in my childhood and that I needed time to heal. Which was a huge thing that I let him say that. They asked for clarification and my sister told them it was because of stuff they did, so now my dads likely making my mums life hell and I feel so very guilty. I just keep reminding myself shes a grown adult and has been able to choose to stay or leave, its not my responsibility. Dad asked for clarification, we replied that we were not comfortable answering that right now, but I grew up in fear. So yeh suddenly all that has imploded too.

I am so freaking dissociated, I don't know if the SSRI's are what is causing this mania? I don't even know but I am struggling to focus on anything right now and reality is kinda fuzzy