Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

So... today I saw a pychiatrist and was diagnosed with Bipolar. Much to much shock to be honest. I was all set up to fight the BPD thing and make sure if they were going to diagnose me with it it was the right one. And then it was all focused on Bipolar and I was like whaaaaaa. But there you go. At first I was very surprised but honestly? It kinda makes sense.

Does mean I am a little concerned about pychosis and what that means for some of the stuff thats been going on recently. Alice, Lily and Liam feel solid. But I am concerned that this unknown person in my head has been part of pychosis, especially considering the obsession with patterns and the number 3. I have no idea. This whole thing has thrown rather a spanner in my understanding of myself. Heck mental illness why you be so complex!

But I have been practically vibrating for two days straight, I have been all over the place, I am pretty sure I am in a mixed episode (which means I have manic and depressive symptoms all mixed together) which would explain the hyper active energy with the loss of interest and depressive state. Looking back I realise its been coming on for months, which is a little alarming. Told my partner and he looked shocked and then sat there and was like... honestly that makes alot of sense! I told him when he joked about dating a manic pixie dream girl he didn't realise quite how literal that would be lol.

Made cupcakes today and lost an hour which was... awkward. Turned around to put something in the dishwasher and it was on, I wanted to add it and my partner stopped me, I was like why. He said it had been on for an hour already. Which honestly freaked us both out because I had no idea any time had passed at all. I kept forgetting what I was doing and just ... everywhere. I still can't stop shaking and it feels like my being is imploding.

So yes. I have a wonderful double dose it seems. Basically trauma and remembering the traumatic memories has come hand in hand with a Bipolar episode. Beautiful. Self harmed in a way I haven't in 8 years this morning. It was alarming and honestly depressing. I am having alot of urges to hurt myself. Being asked about elaborate plans, I couldn't think of any at the time but realised some of the plans in my head right now could be considered elaborate.

Anyway, on a non self pitying note ahahha. I now have some medication that is alteast a start to getting me more stable. Thank goodness. It's likely going to take a whlie, but I really really hope there is a something soon. With the weekend coming up fast I am kinda worried about getting hospitalised if this does keep getting worse. Weekends are not good for me at all, hopefully we can all manage it in the house but really I don't know. Kinda scared tbh. Lets see :)

I am freaking my partner out right now so much. He's really struggling with how I can't sit still or calm down. He cried alot this morning because I was super agitated and kept looking for things without knowing what I was looking for. I gave him hugs and tried to offer him a banana which seemed to make it worse.

Struggling alot still with suicidal thoughts and intrustive thoughts. I keep wanting to just get on a train and run away. Like somewhere far far away. Like maybe I can outrun my head. Feel so trapped inside my own body right now. I just wanna escape. My partner was very upset at my self harm yesterday. I feel like a bad partner. Keep thinking that I am too much trouble and that if I wasn't here their life would be easier. I know its not logical, but it feels logic. I am a huge strain right now.

I've taken so many tablets today and they want me to sleep but I don't want to sleep right now. I wanna run away. If I come down off this odd high feeling all I have to come back to is trauma I can't cope. Part of me likes it more here. I can just lose my mind and its fine. Like I could go out and escape. I want to escape so bad.

Think my dad. may have bipolar too. He randomly buys things. Once he bought a boat on impulse and just casually told us we all had to go and pick it up the next day on a 3hr drive each way. My mum freaked out.

Been hitting my head against the wall alot. My partner said he would take away all the sharp things if I do what I did yesterday again. Makes me angry so I need to not do it again. I don't want to get angry at him.

Today is not a good day. My life right now just feels like its not good. Why did they strangle me? How many hands have been on my body? So many. I can't even count, I don't even know. I just get sense of the smell, some pain. uncomfortable feelings. Stuff I don't want to identify. Being unable to breath. Wish none of this ever happened to me. I just want them to hospitalise me now. I don't trust myself at all. I am barely holding on. Everyones like "wait for the drugs" its like yeh sure. I don't think I can wait you stupid lksdjfglakjsdlfgkj. What do you want me to do WHILE I wait? Destroy my damn life? I hate them all right now. I think I need therapy as well but like what? Do I get help on the NHS if I go private for a bit? Will anyone even help? No. Noone can help me.

Found the song "Manic" by Plumb. Not going to lie, totally vibing to this. Really enjoying just listening to some loud noise. "Theres a chemical in your brain, its pouring sunshine and rage, you can never know what to expect, your manic, manic" really get that feeling right now. Not sure other people understand quite how scary it is to be kinda aware, but also be aware there is stuff you think is fine that is not fine. Like I am having to double check all my thoughts because if it was up to me god knows what I would be doing. I already am fighting taking my meds, which is frustrating because I know life would be easier if I did take them, but I dunno, right now I just wanna escape again.

I basically am taking so much medication right now its rediculous. Got my asthma meds, antidepressants, mood stablisers and antihistamines I use as sedatives. I know loads of people take more, but lol I feel rediculous. Also right now it feels like I am coming up bigg time. Like if you've ever taken uppers, its like thats started to kick in and I am going uppppppppp. Which is a strange feeling, and honestly if I wasn't so aware my brains fucked right now I would welcome it. Everything feels far away and all the trauma and stuff just isn't an issue. Kinda scared though that I feeling this with the amount of sedatives I've taken today... Hopefully I sleep tonight. The drugs normally seem to knock me out.

Played some games today with my partner and also went for a walk :D happy I acheived some stuff. Also cooked dinner :D For me this is honestly a big win. Though I have a migraine coming on, which is not such a big win.

Police tomorrow. Heck. Kinda scared to be honest. More scared I wont be able to keep my shit together. I know I am talking too fast most of the time atm. Still the crisis team will be here by the evening so hopefully that will be something.

Weekends coming up. Feels like a bullet train running at me right now. Why am I so damn scared of the weekend. Why is it such a huge trigger for me? Who knows. One day at a time.

I am alive, I havn't posted the last two days because its been very all over the place and I am struggling to read at the moment, let alone write. Plus its been pretty dark in my head and pretty sure anything I wanted to write I would not be able to post here (which is totally fair btw lol).

Yesterday I self harmed/attempted suicide badly and called the crisis team after and they called the ambulance. I was taken to hospital for what was essentially some pretty surface level wounds and then kept there for two hours, before I was told to go home. Didn't see a pych or anything, just sent home and the crisis team updated. Didnt see anyone from the crisis team yesterday and meant to be seeing them today. I am going to ask them about hospitalisation. I am struggling to work out if I am okay or not and often get so lost in self destructive thoughts I am going to keep doing myself harm. The 3 weeks is up that has been the count down in my head and now anything goes. I don't know if I am fighting the thing in my head or if we have just merged now. But I really don't know if I care.

I haven't been able to sit still for 6 days now. So shakey that honestly typing this is hard. Taken the pro-rata medication I can, but really I am just waiting. The crisis team are coming again today. I am worried I am just going to get left because I am not getting better. I don't even know. My head is all over the place, I am sure this post reflects that.

My parents despite multiple attempts to make it clear I didn't want to see or hear from them for a bit kept trying to call me, call my partner and last week turned up at my door. So my partner finally replied to them saying that alot of this was triggered due to abuse in my childhood and that I needed time to heal. Which was a huge thing that I let him say that. They asked for clarification and my sister told them it was because of stuff they did, so now my dads likely making my mums life hell and I feel so very guilty. I just keep reminding myself shes a grown adult and has been able to choose to stay or leave, its not my responsibility. Dad asked for clarification, we replied that we were not comfortable answering that right now, but I grew up in fear. So yeh suddenly all that has imploded too.

I am so freaking dissociated, I don't know if the SSRI's are what is causing this mania? I don't even know but I am struggling to focus on anything right now and reality is kinda fuzzy

Suicidal thoughts have been super hard but managable today. I've not had much time to myself and was waiting for the morning crisis team most of the morning.

My partner is exhausted and overwhelmed from dealing with me, it makes me really sad that I cannot really help in anyway. I wish I could.

My mind is all over the place as usual. I want to keep hurting myself, I don't know anymore why or what I even want out of it. I have so much to live for yet the thoughts in my head are obsessed with death. It seems sad to me that I cannot drag myself out of that.

These new mood stabliers make me want to eat, which I hate. Because I don't want to. Food just seems more appealing and harder to resist. Which honestly really sucks as these tablets have some pretty bad negative side effects including alot of weight gain, diabetes and potential heart issues.

The trauma issues feel so far away right now. Everything feels pretty far away to be honest. Just drugging myself into a stupor until I can't anymore.

Solid 5 out of 10 today. Thats the highest score I've had since ? Months ago. Lines up with an exact week of taking the mood stablisers. They are obviously doing something, something I very much need them to do.

"Perscribe pills to offset the shake, to offset the pills you know you should take it a day at a time" My old love for Panic! at the Disco being rediscovered ahaha.

I did cooking today. I made a delicious butternut squash, parsnip and carrot soup which I had for lunch with fried smoked tofu :D was really tasty. Then I made belgian buns using lemon curd I created myself, which entertained me for much of the day.

All this however brings me back to my next problem. I need to take these pills for my health, they are making a huge difference. However. They make me want to binge. Like all of the time. Its exhausting. I normally do intuative eating, relying entirely on my bodies hunger signals to work out if I should eat or not, and if I want to eat, then I eat. If i have a craving or a bad day, well I eat. I've lost a serious amount of weight this way and I need to keep this weight off for my own health, mental and physical. I used to have an eating disorder and well in some ways you never get rid of that thinking. Feeling like I am binging every day is very stressful.

Another good point though, the crisis team are now seeing me every other day! Progress! :D First day in 10? days that I won't have the crisis team there in person. They are always on a 24/7 phoneline though, so thats a relief. I think my partners more concerned than I am, not that I blame him. I am having urges to attempt or self harm really bad still. Its just quieter than it was, far from gone away.

I did draw in red pen where i wanted to harm the other day and it oddly enough did help. Just seeing it there made me feel calmer. I need to remember to do this in future. I just wanna spiral again, but I've damanged my partner enough right now, I need to have atleast this week up.

The ever looming issue of my parents is driving alot of anxiety. My partner is giving them updates without telling me, to keep them off my back. Which is lovely of him. I keep having the urge to message them, to say sorry and fix it all with yet more tape. I am having to really pull myself back as I know i am not in a mental state to be able to deal with anything thats going on right now. I likely need to talk with a therapist before I talk to them. To say I have unreasolved issues is an understatement lol.

Really dissociated today. Want to self harm but it will upset my partner so much which is making me stop. Suicidal thoughts are lessening, which is scaring me. I feel kinda cut off and wrong and that makes me more suicidal again. It makes no sense, I make no sense. Talked to the doctor today not sure hes willing to give me the meds I need. He said if I kept needing rescue medication that it mean it was not under control. I feel that he is likely right, but what does that mean for me? I don't know how I would even.

Talked to work, wanted to say I could come back to work soon but talked with partner and they asked if I could concentrate. Right now the answer to that has to be false. Which has made me sad. I just want to be better already, not like a sad yoyo.

My friend was meant to be coming over today, despite lockdown. I was kinda desperate to see someone and its not helping my head now they have cancelled. I mean its fine for them to cancel, its their choice and I take no offence. Just now I have another evening with my head. I can't concentrate on anything today.

The voice is getting louder, Its thursday, the circus begins again tomorrow. Maybe I will start it early. My partner kissed me yesterday and hes let his facial hair grow a bit and it sent me into a flashback. They are all leading to a place I don't want to me. All these meds and none of them can take away the past.

Self harmed again today. Second update in one day, yay go me. My partner is really upset that I am self harming again. I don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to break up with him, move out and have no reasons left to live. I am like, half sucidial. Like theres chemicals in my brain that don't want me to be, where as in reality I am just as suicidal. Its confusing. Like what the hell is going on sir head.

The weekend is coming on like a bullet train. No crisis team tomorrow, saw them today. All on my own tomorrow. Well with Robin but hes all on his own with me. Poor guy. The thoughts are getting loud again. Saturdays coming around again. Still can't get that facial hair flashback out of my head.

Tried to call the crisis team and Samaritans but I can't make myself do it. I am just agitated and angry. Keeps coming back to the same point. You can do all you like. But I was still raped multiple times by multiple different people as a child. And one of those people has a high possibility of being related to me. And the other a family friend. Every single alter in my head has been raped. All of them. How is that even possible? How do you "forget" something that freaking big? Alice is still there, Lilly just nodded in my head. Shes my little baby girl and she had been too. Liam, Liam knows I know. And I have been. I just can't cope with the enormity of it. How? I can't even explain how it makes me feel. Sick and digusted. Hatred. Fear. Pain. Exhausted, hopless. Nothing. I prefer nothing. But even nothing is painful in its own way. Like how cold hurts just the same as heat.

I just want to drink myself into a coma.

Todays been interesting. My partner really could not cope and totally broke down for a bit today. From waking up he was a zombie and slept on the sofa for quite a bit of the day. I have tried to be understanding as its a totally understandable reaction. Made things harder though because the weekends are hard for me and I felt very alone.

I came up with a plan though. Told my best friend he was struggling and shes going to be coming over for the next couple of days :) I've tidied up the lounge for her and shes going to basically camp in there. My partner will get a break and I will have someone new to talk to. Sure it will be exhausting and I will likely still struggle, but when the man in my head starts really screaming (who am I lying to, hes screaming now) I will be able to speak with her and though she may not have experiance of psychosis she has alot of her own mental health issues and is super understanding. I think there is an online quiz with friends as well. So lots to do, hopefully less time for my head to take over. Shes staying until Monday as well when it dies back. Though I am interested (maybe morbidly so) to see if it dies back if I don't do anything over the weekend.

I did lots of proactive things today though, which I am very proud of myself for. Made rock cakes this morning, put together some cookie dough this evening, had a nap (very important ;)), and tidied the lounge so all of my art stuff has sensible places to live and hopefully will make it easier to manage in the future! I like organsing things and baking, both of them have an easy set of rules which calms my mind.

Been a few days since I last posted. I've had people around pretty much 100% of the time since then. My friend came over on Saturday stayed Sat and Sunday night, left this morning and then my sister came over this afternoon and we went for a walk. I know I am breaking lockdown but I need these moments right now. Its given my partner a break and hes looking alot stronger for it.

I wish I was feeling better. But I am not really. I feel very impulsive. I am still suicidal, I don't have a "date" anymore which is progress, but I am always working to the next saturday but its sorta anything goes at this stage. I am constantly fighting between a desire to disappear and a will to live that seems stronger than any common sense.

I told my friend my memories, she was really comforting and believed me. I am worried I dumped too much on her, but she does the same so we both kinda share. Its comforting to know someone atleast is willing to listen without judgement. I have a long way to go , but that was a big hurdle. Telling the first time always is.

I am kinda scared about my head right now. I am losing track of time, life around me all feels like a dream, I am getting dreams and memories messed up and I am having visual and auditory hallucinations. I don't know if the meds are causing them or if the meds are not working. Like today went for a walk and ended up flinching because I was about to walk into a tree and yet there was no tree there, or even close by. I kept hearing my friends voice around the house and she was asleep at the time and not within hearing distance. I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye. I feel kinda haunted. I hate this stuff. Why can't I just be normal.

My partner wants to go over to his parents house for the day tomorrow. But I am feeling kinda paranoid. I don't wanna be left alone... But the other part of me wants to be left alone. But then I will disappoint him. Blurgh. People are difficult.

My partner gets very upset when I self harm. I have been trying very hard not to, but its like something comes over me and I just have to. I try calling numbers sometimes but if I can't get through for some reason or if I put it down in the first few seconds I don't call again. I am just sitting here today waiting for the crisis people to turn up. I don't know I am fed up with this. Its been over a month now.

I think I am having more good than bad days. Though I don't really know. Its improving in some ways, that is certan. I have spent most of the last day coding and doing what I love. And that is not something I have been able to do in months. Its like the depression itself has largely lifted. Which is a relief. I can do things and enjoy them again, thank goodness.

The upped my meds again. It's odd when I feel awful, no amount of support feels like enough. It feels like noone is doing anything and I am just drowning, and yet when I come back up I realise people have realised things and changes have been made.

I can feel my head go down the roller coaster again. The thoughts seem quieter this time around. But the anxiety is high. I feel both made of lead and want to twitch alot. Worried not so much about tomorrow morning, though could be bad. More worried about Sunday. See how I am tomorrow.

Did some more baking today, it was delcious :) made cinamon bear claws! Also some cross stitch.

I think I may get discharged in the next week/couple of weeks. They said I was doing really well and they could see I was trying and I had made a great improvement. Which is honestly pretty awesome. Guess my trauma is good for something. Even in crisis I am very polite and try my best to please them.

My heads all over the place. I may sleep to avoid the thoughts.

@Lilibuth12

i think i can relate to what u meant there. i think when we are in that low moment it can feel so very overwhelming and that we are drowning but when we come back up, we probably see things from a different perspective and feels like things have changed and been made better

baking sounds great! i'm glad u find some comfort in it as you're deserving of comfort. i find cooking to be really helpful too, it engages my whole mind and doesn't let my thoughts drift away

i'm glad that they said that you've been doing pretty well. i think improvement is improvement, no matter how big or small. it is pretty awesome that how brave you've been! i hope sunday isn't too worrying for u! 💟

I am alive. Last night is a bit of a blur however I attempted suicide again and ended up hospitalised this time over night. Very shocked it came out of the blue. I was having a good day and had been doing really well and then bam, I escaped the house and attempted. My arm is now bandaged up and I am just in shock to be honest. It feels like alien me who did all of that. People keep asking me if I "feel safe" now its like. I thought I felt safe then........ Hek. This is all such a mess. My partner is devestated. I'm home now. I can't keep having this happen. My life is beyond out of control rn.

My arm hurts. I am scared and exhausted. Nightmares... I need to get back to work yet the amount of stuff I need to deal with right now feels insurmountable. If I don't address these memories I can't work out what kind of relationship I am going to have with my family. Its Mothers Day coming up soon and its just become another trigger. Got to see nurse tomorrow, and crisis team, and partners mother is coming over, and though part of me is happy to see her, part of me just feels like its a slap in the face. I'm a real joy right now ahha.

Had a good week last week. My arms been a good reminder. I am scared if I did anything again it would be bad. I've been working with my partner to try and make sure I am stable. I am honestly all over the place.

Contacted an old therapist and asked for help, shes managed to give me a session 2pm on Sunday which is honestly a god send. I hopeful that I can atleast chat with her and we can work out what I need going forward, get an idea of if/how she can help. She has helped me alot in the past and if I work with her again I won't need to do all that ground work again, I already trust her. The idea of seeing anyone else right now when I feel so vunerable is freaking terrifying.

Looked back over a bunch of my old art therapy work and there was some stuff that just yelled at me. I had this drawing that was just a naked man that looked terrifying and ominous, picture of me trapped up against the wall by a man and I look like a little girl. That page had lots of almost sexual references and almost all of them I looked like a child. I even had a fringe which I haven't had since I was young. Also another terrifying drawing which looked terrifyingly like I was pregnant. It said something to me but I don't want to go into that.

I have this strange certainty that the abuse continued after we moved house, the only person who it could have been is my father. Theres no other common denominator there. I realised I have no memories of when I was in different bedrooms (or I think I was?) between 10-12 I have memories of feeling unsafe. Some stuff about a bed I got when I was much older not sure what thats about. I have a drawing where there is this huge looming shadow in my bedroom doorway even in my room when I was much older. Honestly I don't know if anything adds up to anything, but well if I had lost stuff this long, whats to say there isn't more. I know it went on for years, it was not a one off. I remember smells, beard brushing against face, always wondered why that was a huge trigger for me. I've only ever dated clean shaven people. How can a person forget all of this.

I still wonder if I've made all this stuff up. Maybe its all just an over reactive imagination or something? I can pretend lol.

@Lilibuth12 i hope it's alright to say here, i hope you've been doing well

@clare7199
Hey clare :) I've been doing as well as can be expected given the current circumstances. Thanks for checking in its appreciated.

@Lilibuth12 you'll be in my thoughts 💟

My memory. Is an issue. In many ways ahaha. But in some more alarming ways recently. Not sure if its the meds or dissociation but I'm struggling more and more remembering whats happening around me at the moment. I can't remember having a shower this morning, like nothing. But apparently I did have one, because I had wet hair on my call this morning and my partner said I had one. And yesterday when I went to bed I paniced momentarily as I realised I had been wearing a really triggering shirt all day that I didn't remember putting on.

I am also sad that I can't wear anything around my neck at the moment. I have a special necklace from my partner that before a few months ago I wore 24/7 for years. But now I can't stand it around my neck. Even my t-shirts are a push at the moment. Hoodies zipped up too high queue panic attacks. Its exhausting. Had to cancel my dentists appointment because of a similar thing. Being trapped is a major trigger.

I've been doing much better recently. Been keeping busy. Always busy. I can't stop or I start drowning again. But still its something. Been sewing, cooking, baking, painting, reading, lots of ings lol. Its been keeping me going and thats good. I am not constantly actively suicidial which is a huge change. I've been discharged from the crisis team. Its a start. Also working mornings which is a relief. I enjoy my job and even though I am working in a very much reduce capacity I am happy to be able to do anything right now. It gives me some purpous.

The nightmares are relentless this last week. It seems as soon as I leave full crisis they come back again. Its a mix of what I am afraid might be flashbacks and just constant nightmares about my fear of being trapped. Last night one of them I was mugged, dragged to the floor and injected with addictive drugs. The night before I had what I think was a flashback in a dream of an old wooden table in someones dining room/kitchen and I knew it was the kitchen of a kid from schools. In the dream I had a panic attack and couldn't breath. Honestly dreams and reality are blurring alot recently.

I feel really depressed today. Everything feels insurmountable. I have no idea how I am going to cope on my own. I have this bug in my brain that just wants to be free. Liam keeps wanting to cut my breasts off because he hates them, its not his body. Lilly I've come to realise is kinda stuck in her own way, shes not really fully present in real life. She spends most of her day playing in the corner of my mind, telling me she likes unicorns. I still have not bought her the unicorn I promised her. Alice is well... Alice. And I am a hot mess. Yay.

Keep feeling like I am not ill enough because I didn't get hospitalised. I know thats not how it works but my head just wants to keep trying until someone sections me. My community mental health team were meant to be calling me last week but had the wrong number and now I am worried the resources meant for me have been given to someone else. I have started seeing a therapist but its on some very basic stuff right now just coping. I dunno everything is just a mess. Wanna just drink and do stupid stuff. I am doing okay but I don't want to be. Want to be falling appart. Dunno my self destructive instinct is hardcore.

@Lilibuth12- Hoping you have gotten the resources to get support you need. Tough place to be in- wanting to be falling apart. And wanting to feel better at the same time. Cheers.

Think I am getting more and more new flashbacks. This time it was in the bath. It was grim and painful. Not going into anymore than that. Really struggling with the disconnect between these flashbacks and reality. I feel so dissociated from all of it, its like it was not ever real. But sometimes I just feel them in my body, I can feel ghost hands over me, feel ghosts of pain. That utterly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've been having constant UTI's and bowel problems aswell. I know TMI but I imagine its all connected. I haven't had sex in months. I struggle to even kiss my partner as that is bringing on flashbacks at the moment.

My grandma called and left me a voice mail. She sounded concerned. They all sound so concerned. How could it be him if hes so concerned about me. It makes no sense. I don't want to blame him if its not him, hes fragile and it would break him. But if he did, then I don't care. It can break him for all I care. But I don't know. And its going to take months if not years to unpack this level of crazy.

I've got to distract myself. Every freaking minute of every freaking day. Or else I fall into suicidal thoughts and self harm. Then sometimes suicidal actions. I am working half days but thats cut my pay in half. I am going through moments where I think I can cope and many more where I am pretty damn certain I can't. I want to leave my partner so I have nothing left. But thankfully I've not managed that yet. He found me drinking in the basement the other day, was very angry with me. I just wanna self destruct but I can't let myself, or I'll lose what I have left. Contradictory I know.

I am and never will be good enough. Not good enough to get taken seriously, not good enough to break down, not good enough to exist. I hate this iron control I often have over myself. It just feels like I am trapped in a cage screaming but its surrounded in lead and noone outside can hear or see me. The total discongreousness between my inner and outer life jarring to say the least. I took an overdose the other day. Measured the dose, hoped it would be enough. But nope, woke up the next day. Not told anyone just woke up sad to be alive. Felt a bit shit but thats it. Just disappointed.

I have decided to post again. I am not all dark and gloomy! And yes I am kinda all over the place emotionally. HOWEVER! I also do fun things. LIke bake, and sew, and paint things and reupholster chairs, and tidy my house and organise cupboards and draw penguines. And make myself my own personal quiz to help me work out what to do when I am stuck ahaha. Yes my head is a mess, and yes, 7cups does get my worst side because this is stuff I struggle to share anywhere else. But its not all doom and gloom lol! Thank y'all for comming to my ted talk ;).

Really struggling with wanting to stop taking my meds. Honestly my partner is likely the only reason I am still taking them. Granted hes also the only reason I am alive, so I guess the two come together. I just want to be able to feel the highs, right now I feel like I have been dulled? by everything. The flashbacks don't hurt like they should, feelings are harder to grab onto. Everything is just ... less. Which I should be thankful for, but my brain is like grabbing for some kinda something. It wants more. Wonder if I will be able to do my week long coding extravaganzas on meds. I am tired and fed up.

I keep wondering what its going to take to get me back to work full time. And honestly I am worrying its going to be a long time.

I didn't take my mood stablizers yesterday. I haven't told anyone. Maybe I should take them, maybe i'll take them tonight. Who knows. Had a long phone call with one of my best friends today, that was nice. I enjoyed that, shes very chatty so I can kinda take a back seat and just listen and respond. Makes for nice phone calls. Also made and iced some biscuits. And cleaned up the basement wall alot, bought some paint stripper, have a whole project there lol.

Got therapy tomorrow. Not sure if I should tell her about the meds and overdose thing. Not sure if she has to tell someone, she may do. Which makes it kinda awkward. I feel very self destructive again right now :( Mornings and evenings seem worse for it. During the day I try and keep busy as much as possible.

Phone call on Monday for the skills and support group. The guy leading it seems really nice, I like him. Very calm and kind sounding, patient as well. I guess you have to be patient to do that job. I am kinda looking forward to the skills and support stuff. At the moment all I get is therapy once a week and a week is a long time when your brain is f***ed.

Not taken my mood stablizers since Thursday. Honestly feeling much more like myself. Just as sucidal as before, maybe more likely to act on it, but honestly I am not sure I mind. Had my therapist on Sunday. Didn't tell her anything. She said to me that I obviously had decided not to do anything to myself so I should wait. Kinda amused me as I attempted just last week. Honestly I should likely tell her whats going on, but I don't really feel able to. I don't really want to.

Not sleeping as well now I am off the meds, which sucks. Keep waking up at the slighted thing, just my sleep quailty is bad. But I don't mind it. Its normal and I am welcoming any sense of normal right now. Sewed a cushion today that went really well, my partner said it looked shop bought which made me feel really proud :), now I've got a nice cushion to sit on out in the garden and do my cross stitch.

I keep waiting for the flashbacks to come back and slap me in the face but they still seem pretty far away. Noones poking them and I am avoiding as much as possible so they are not taking over my brain. I am still getting almost "intrusive thoughts" of them throughout the day. But right now run of it feels real. Like nahhh that can't have happened to me. lol. Denial is a beautiful thing.

My doctors surgery is having work done on their system mid April so they are prescribing double doses of everything right now. Which to be honest is an epically bad idea. The tablets I overdosed on last are coming to me soon in rather large amounts.

So my therapist wanted me to stop my suicidal thoughts with deciding I wouldn't for now and then when I start spiraling into the thoughts to say that I have decided to wait for now. Honestly that isn't working for me with how... immediate everything feels. So I've come up with my more managable and modified version. When I wake up and the thoughts start appearing I can decide if I will today. And if I will not then when they appear throughout the day I just block them with "Not today" and it seems to be working! I know its only a small win but it means I've not spent all day obsessing over it. I decided this morning I would not today, and that is enough. One day at a time. Thinking much further ahead is a little more than my brain can manage.

I sat outside in the sun today and did some more cross stitch, which was lovely. Got myself a sunburn and a migraine but was worth it me thinks. Got a wonderful amount of vitamin d.

Didnt sleep well last night at all. Like at all. Utterly exhausted. Got less than 5 hours sleep and I am not impressed.

I am scared of ants. Like petrified of them. Just played a video game where there were slightly sized up ants and we basically had to stop playing because I went into full fight/flight etc. I have these memories of being very young and stuck on the top step next to the lawn and it was covered in ants, I was covered in ants. They are crawling everywhere all over me and I am alone.

I am also terrified of baths. I've had one bath in the last over 10 years. I am utterly convinced I am going to dr*wn. Doesn't matter how big I am or how much logic tells me I won't I despise them. I think I've worked out I was left in the bath at a young age on my own with noone watching me, I have memories of feeling too short and being scared I couldn't get back out of the water. I also think other stuff happened in the bath, stuff I don't want to talk about.

Theres this terror in being very young and totally alone. Realising noones going to help you when you are dependant on others for survival. Knowing you can't defend yourself. Knowing you can't stop it. Knowing you can't escape no matter how much it may hurt. In those times you try desperately to be someones good girl, desperate for love, affection, a scrap of kindness. Attention at all.

I feel sick. There are too many truths my brain is uncovering. Its like theres been this ginormous festering cancer inside of me for years, and I didn't know it was there. I am scared of how long it went on. I have memories from very young. But some of them. I think some of them I was much older. I have these pictures I drew in art therapy and there were many pictures with a shadow of a man in the doorway in my teenage bedroom. But I have realised I have no memories of what happened after.

I don't know what to say. I am alive. I wish I wasn't.

@Lilibuth12 *sits with you* sometimes there are no words. Sometimes all we can do is just try to breathe. I wish there was something I could say - other than the typical cliches - which - I don't really believe them myself most of the time. I know you don't know me but I'm glad you're alive

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Been feeling really grim the last 2 days. Morning I wake up totally obsessed with something, recklessly spent over £200 on a game that I get bored of alot this morning despite the fact I am only getting paid for half days at the moment so I cannot afford to. Crash in the afternoon going all shakey and feeling totally overwhelmed take my rescue meds and then exhausted and unable to move the rest of the day. Just feel awful. Got therapy tomorrow but tempted to just quit. Whats the point?

So my best friend drunkenly told my sister that I think it was very likely my dad who. Did stuff to me. I am not angry at her, it was going to come out anyway and honestly I know shes useless at keeping secrets I am honestly surprised she lasted this long. But now my sisters bulimia is apparently back full force along with drinking from midday when shes not working. I've tried my best to protect my sister my whole life and it kinda sucks I am not in a position to protect her here. Apparently she doesn't want to talk to me for a bit which I totally understand. I am just leaving it. I just feel so isolated. My parents and siblings were most of the people I saw. Outside of that I have two best friends. Which is decidedly better than nothing but they both have their own issues. One doesn't know any of whats going on and the other one feels stuck in the middle. Its just all a fucking mess.

Had another therapy session today, I guess to everyone I look kinda okay, I haven't self harmed in a week. The fact I am still incredibly suicidal seems to be skipping peoples notice. Just waiting patiently.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's all too much. What I've lost hurts an inconceivable amount. I feel so alone. Without medication I can't sleep, when I do my dreams are full of fear. I am struggling so much with keeping on living. I'm spending most of my days shaking totally overwhelmed by everything. I've got to work tomorrow and I have no idea how I am going to. I feel barely able to function. Every day is some fucked up hell. I can't see a way out.

Managed to work. Thank god. Just about. Need to shower tomorrow I haven't in days, I feel gross. Got this group support thing tomorrow, interested to see if it is helpful in anyway. Aprehensive of new things though. Also wondering if the topics will just be the same ones I've heard 1000 times before. But gotta give it a try. Same things can be totally different with different people.

Group skills and support thing was... weird. It technically had a session theme, which quickly got derailled. The theme was self care, which is a topic right now I am not a fan of. I have no desire to look after myself. I am surviving, so please don't ask anything more of me. But anyway it dissolved into a few people complaining about people contacting them asking if they were okay, and dropping around their house etc. And I totally get there is another side of the coin. But I am not talking to my parents, my sister doesn't want to talk to me, my best friend spilled my biggest secret and my other best friend is too busy with her own shit. Hearing someone complain about people caring was quite upsetting. I did say that though and was given some space, someone else in the session was in a similar situation to me so I was not alone in it. Came out of it quite shaken. I am not sure it really helped any, but gotta give it some time. Its something to do atleast.

I've come to realise outside of my partner I really don't have anything to live for. I have no life goals or dreams, all I can see is pain and fear. I can't live for someone else, I need to live for myself. But I don't know how.

Okay, so today I didn't take my anti depressants. And I didn't feel like a shakey wreak that was unable to leave bed all day. Infact I played video games instead of slept/watched tv all day. This is kinda huge as I have felt largely unable to leave bed outside orf work for the last.... week? maybe longer. So who knows, maybe just having a good day. But also my body hates chemicals and I am beginning to suspect none of this medication is helping me any...

Today has honestly been a good day. I've struggled concentrating and my life is still a total mess. But for the first time in a long time I didn't feel actively suicidal, which is pretty awesome. And I even talked with my boss about plans for how to get me back to work full time. Its a long road ahead, and I have pretty much no answers. I still have to deal with a bucketload of stuff that I have not the first clue how to deal with. But today I want to try. And even if thats just for one day, I am relieved I can still feel that way.