Ramblings 3

I forgot my doctors office isn’t open on Fridays. This is going to be an extremely long few days then still waiting Monday for news on MRI appointment.

So I’m guessing I will be continuing my ramblings at a similar pace to what I have been the last few days

@Iamwhoiamwhoami you can do this ❤ we are here for you ❤

I just woke up from my after nap nap. I had this out of the ordinary dream. Something about me running down some road or path and breathing really strangely while being chased by some stranger and then I am running on this path that feels so familiar and the surroundings are so familiar yet I can’t describe them I just kind of felt it while I was dreaming it, then this narrow path goes along the edge of a steep cliff and I started to continue to run and abruptly turned around in fear of heights and collapsed in a ball in front of someone’s steps? Flowerbed? Then some big animal ran up on me and I curled up tighter and it “caressed” my neck and that is when I woke up. Even for the screwed up dreams/nightmares I have that was weird. But even awake that scenery, the path along some ?houses? Then along a cliff , where I abruptly collapse in fear of heights . That all seems so familiar.

I guess just more proof I my mind is starting to chime the sanity bells

@Iamwhoiamwhoami dreams are strange, and sometimes really scary. I don't know if they mean anything, a lot of people believe they do. What do you think?

@Tinywhisper11

I don’t know what or if they mean anything. I have wondered if these dreams/nightmares are somehow the picture show of the thoughts racing and bouncing around in my head. Those times when I am able to close my eyes and “sleep” my overthinking is on pause, so all the things bouncing around and intermixing reflect on something and create a picture show or movie. Never making sense, just giving glimpses of how messed up my mind is.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami not mixed up, just special ❤

I have just reinforced the fact that I am a stubborn idiot. Since I have been trapped in this stupid bed because of this pain and I needed to try and do something. I decided to force myself to try and ignore the pain and put a couple of metal pegboard panels up in my garage. Another project that I have not completed . They are only about 16 inches by 30 inches I think. Anyway, I had already gotten the shooting pains back in the leg and back before I even started, but I decided I am going to try and do it anyway. I have a battery operated screw gun/ impact driver to run in the screws and it’s only 6 screws per panel. The section of wall I was going to try and finish involves two more panels with the top of the panels just above waist high and side by side. I installed the first two screws in the top of the first panel not screaming yet. But the fun was just beginning, back pain and leg pain (whose bright idea was it to do this?) and bending/squatting to run the other 4 screws in, plus I kept dropping the screws and having to retrieve them. One panel up and one to go, I got the panel installed, but I have no idea right now how crooked it is. I literally crawled back up the few steps into the house and drug myself up and into bed , I am an idiot!

When I look at this bottle of pain medicine I really want to just throw it across the room, and what is stopping me? The fact that it would make me cry from the pain of doing so , plus my luck would be that the lid would pop off and I would have to painfully pick up the pills. I don’t think I am going to continue with the pain medication. It is not helping at all and other than the fact it increases my drowsiness and I have an increased opportunity to nap more often to whittle away time, it is not worth the risk of addiction.

I know I have stated it before but it is something that does weigh on me. I feel so guilty and selfish for the constant negativity and whining about my little issues, I have it made compared to a lot of other people. For the time being I still have a job that I am physically incapable of doing right now, the pains I feel are minuscule in comparison to a lot of others. The fact that I know my darkness is my future keeps me in a place I am familiar, where as others have the added interaction with loved ones and the day to day worries , basically I think that loved ones and friends and having a connection to that beautiful side of living makes the daily struggles that much harder. That probably doesn’t make sense to anyone but me.

It just dawned on me that this latest nonsense is really literally draining my physical strength. The screw gun I was using is not much more than a pound and it actually was a struggle lifting and maneuvering it around and the panels are light yet the same thing they felt like 50 pound bricks. Even pushing myself up out of bed is beginning to become difficult.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hey! Well done on putting those boards up ❤ that's a huge achievement. And pain is actually really physically draining. Mentally to, your mind is constantly on the pain and trying to block it, and your body is working hard trying to fight back the pain. So yeah it's normal to get much weaker ❤ at the moment I can't use my manual wheelchair, because the pain is so bad, I'm to weak to move the chair around. So now I am using the wheelchair with the electric controls on the arm rest. So I know it's like looking a part of your freedom. It sucks doesn't it

@Tinywhisper11

When I think about you, and everything that you are, the wonderful, beautiful, person who against all odds continues to inspire others. Even when you have an extremely difficult time, you still continue to try, When I think about you I become ashamed of myself for not being able to keep trying, not being able to try and see anything positive in myself.

I am scared of being in this new scenario alone and I don’t have the strength to do it. I am ashamed of voicing this while You are fighting through this similar situation and have been for a long time. It’s not about the simple facts individually, it is about the facts put together hand in hand. I am proud to say that you have been an amazing part of my journey thus far. Thank you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww honey, never feel ashamed of saying how you feel. everyone is different, all our brains are unique, that's why we will never truly understand anyone. So try not to compare your struggles with anyone else. I love you for being honest, for expressing your true feelings ❤ I love you friend ❤

Actually I think my strength has been weakening over the last year or so. I have become so entrenched in my misery and anxieties. I spend my life hiding. That’s probably not going to change, just stating the facts. The physical demands of my job have become overwhelming, but is that because of my mental state or actual physical state? I don’t think that that’s going to matter much anyway. I am at a dead end that has trapped me and I believe an opening will appear and when I crawl across that threshold the door will slam shut and I will be in a whole new scary darkness. Where besides the darkness nothing is familiar .

This feeling of helplessness and hopelessness, which has been blessed with taking away my only way of distracting myself from my thoughts. This completely demeaning feeling of complete and utter worthlessness. Being completely trapped with only my own thoughts to entertain myself is the worst punishment bestowed upon me yet. I try and be completely honest and forthright in my writings about me.

There is a certain reality that I need to add to make sure that I don’t leave any doubts. That reality involves the fact that there are thoughts and ideas that I will never be able to put in my writings. Those that have truly read my writings , meaning not just one or two but closer to the majority of them, know that my darkness is deep and darker than dark. Those things I think should be journaled , but the triggers would involve nearly every word, plus very few would be able to read and understand without overreacting and assuming the worst. These thoughts and ideas are at the core root of all my thoughts. Everything else racing around in my head is definitely infected with the virus of the extremely dark and cold.

This is a very big reason why I know that I will never escape the darkness.

That in itself should vaguely describe why this current situation is the most vindictive punishment bestowed on me so far.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami It's hard to be stuck in bed and stuck in your own head. I was disappointed to read that your doctor's office isn't open on Fridays. I wish you would just rest. I know it sucks being stuck in bed but you could be causing more damage by trying to do things like @Tinywhisper11 said.

If you feel yourself getting even weaker or the pain gets even worse please Iam - go to the hospital. I know that's probably the last thing you want to do but sometimes we have to push ourselves in that direction. Please don't let yourself suffer. Maybe try a heating pad or ice packs? Maybe a soak in the tub? Although that might be hard getting in and out of

@mytwistedsoul

Believe it or not I do understand the strong possibility that my stubbornness can create a scenario more severe than staying in bed. I lay here trapped in my thoughts and I weigh the pros and cons of attempting to do anything physically.

That list that I am able complete puts the columns at an equal weight. When my thoughts go pitch dark I need a major distraction in order to jump the track a little.

I have “lurked” in the rooms, usually not long. It’s normally a situation of a group party or actually someone being listened to and they openly sharing what is currently their biggest struggles at the moment. Most of those issues seem to be of situations I either can’t relate to or I overly relate and realize I still haven’t found the solution to the same problem that someone probably at least 30 years younger than me has a excellent chance of getting through because they are willing to address it while they are young. Then I realize my darkness needs to stay far away from any positive light they are receiving. I try reading some different writings that I normally wouldn’t, just to try and distract myself.

I have attempted the heating pads and they feel ok at first then I doze off and the problem arises that the pad is mainly underneath me and when I wake up I feel worse. Ice or cold is extremely momentary relief. Tub soak would be good I think but you’re correct getting out is something I would not be able to accomplish.

Escaping my thoughts is the battle that is brewing around this nonsense.

Thank you, I hope you don’t think I’m not appreciative of your advice and thoughts. Sometimes I overthink things and right now I am overthinking everything.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami No worries. I didn't think anything like that. I'm basically just spouting off ideas. I figured you probably tried most every thing by now

I’m trying to think of a good word to describe right now…I think restless fits. I have a strong need to do something physical for distraction, even after I get up and the pain goes platinum, then I lay back down and the time it takes for the pain to minimize, that time involves thoughts of what I might be able to try and do that might not be as bad on the pain scale. The pain subsides a little and the darkest thoughts take control, which I then have a battle of thoughts. I have gotten up and moved around to intentionally spark the pain to distract the brain to change thought track.

My way of surviving is no longer a feasible option. I know no other way.

I just was in one of the rooms and had the perfect opportunity to share. I didn’t even try, I wanted to but a time limit on sharing, which I understand why I just couldn’t get much down in that time . It can take me ten minutes to do a sentence.

I just will continue to leave my writings here in my little corner.

why am I who I am whoever that is? Why am I so stubborn it makes me behave like a fool. I continue to insist on moving around a little for distraction and I keep getting the consequences of my actions 10 fold. I need to figure out something to distract myself or to just put me to sleep until they figure out an appointment for the next MRI, then again until a bit before the appointment do I can get there.

There are too many different thoughts racing around in my head and that race has turned into a demolition derby of sorts.

like a multi-ball pinball machine. Thoughts intermixing, frustration, restlessness, Starting to believe that using the pain as a distraction is the only logical aid for now.

I only need to get up and walk a few feet and then let the pain take over and the hold those thoughts have gotten will disappear for a little while. Nothing extreme. No different than going to the bathroom or getting a drink of water or dew.

The temptation to go to the ER is there, but that is just my impatience having its say. The ER would be a waste of time and money, It would be a pointless trip. If it did push the envelope for the MRI, the problem pops up that the machine there is way too small, my claustrophobia would drive a massive panic attack and the still wouldn’t sedate me because of transportation issues. They would then force the issue and bully me into doing it regardless of my reactions.

This ER has bullied me before, I am extremely uncomfortable going there for anything anymore. Unfortunately, in the end the medical facilities are somewhat interlinked so complete separation is near impossible.

I picked a bunch bagels last week when I left work in severe pain on the first day of this new journey . My thinking was easy food to fix, I semi-toast and butter them. I just realized that I was wrong about that theory. I didn’t think about the fact I need to remain standing at the counter to get the butter on quickly enough so it melts into it. I made 3 of them and I am still wincing.

I think due to the strange ways I need to maneuver into so that the pain will start to minimize, my body is reacting in other areas. I’m starting to get slight tingling in my hands and arms.

Having trouble grasping on thoughts to write down. Lay here and start writing and then it’s gone, backspace/delete and try again, and again. The extreme darkness is battling for dominance in my brain. Trying not to give into encouraging pain to distract.

It seems like I am at war with myself, one after another and the panic and anxiety attacks that I am trying desperately to suppress at the same time. Laying here I am in uncharted darkness. I just tried taking a toothpick and lightly poking around the tingling areas and there are definitely numb areas mixed in.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but being thrust into a new world of darkness. Has me scared, confused, and frustrated just to name a few. Unsure of any move I may attempt to make. Second guessing myself at every turn. Well, I suppose I did that before. I don’t know what to think anymore. At least before I was able to claim the darkness as home. Now, I am humbled once again and am on the verge of beginning a cold, lonely , and painful new path that I am not strong enough to handle.

Over the past few hours, I have slept off and on. The pain has minimized to slight throbbing in left leg and a new area of the spine a few inches above the original spot.

went to the bathroom and that woke up the rest of the team. I am not going back to sleep for awhile. Plus it is thundering and lightning outside, I am not a fan of that . I think I used to kind of enjoy it but not as much now.

I really need to change the sheets on my bed, I am not so sure about how I am going to accomplish that but I desperately need to do that. It would be tough enough doing just the sheets but I have to use clip straps to help keep the sheets from slipping off. So I need to flip the mattress on edge to hook up the straps.

I need to sweep and mop the floors. Clean the bathroom. I have a lot of stuff here that I need to do. I just need to figure out a way to make myself power through and get these things done.

I realize that my current situation is seriously restricting any of these things from being accomplished.

However, the bed is definitely something I need to address somehow. Sooner rather than later.

Laying here trying to get the team (pain) to settle down, I am still trying to figure out a realistic way to get through the next couple of days. That is at the minimum. Realistically it could be a lot longer than that. Doctors appointments can take quite awhile as far as openings are concerned.

But, as one of the many mantras here states , tiny steps,

I just realized I need to clean out my refrigerator to, I think I have a lot of expired food in there. Then I will need to go shopping for something other than bagels,

I need to mow my lawn and definitely trim the weeds, they are getting to look like trees.

As I lay here once again stuck with myself for company feeling the constant reminders of my latest predicament, I try to focus on pain areas as of now. Left leg I left half of knee, and the back Is relatively quiet. .

Just realized my right leg is numb . Tried adjusting position and back pain announced its appearance.

Being in this situation is not a good mix of issues.

I really want to get up and stretch and twist my back/spine to try and ease the pain/discomfort. Then the fear of making it worse, which I already have seemed to accomplished.

It has been an extremely difficult and long, trying ordeal that I am sure is only going to be more difficult as time progresses. My choices made throughout my life have led me to being forced to handle this situation on my own. I have some support here , but that only goes so far. Especially when I am literally trapped in my own thoughts, being forced to try and grasp on to the smallest of fibers of the safer thoughts in order to not give in to the others.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Keep holding on. I know keeping hope when everything seems to be falling apart is so exhausting but sometimes that's all we can do <3 My silly hopes have pulled me through a lot of things and I hope your hopes keep you safe and keep getting so much stronger that your reality has to give in and get better ^^ 

Thank you.

Hope is a wonderful thing, however I am completely unsure what I am hoping for. I suppose that I might’ve had a strand of hope that I would be normal someday. I cut that strand when I could never determine what normal amounted to. Now, I am trapped inside my thoughts, I truly don’t have any reason for hope. I overthink, but yet when I am where I am, mentally and physically, I can only try and do whatever I can using whatever is available in the moment to get by. I am not a blind faith person, granted if one read my writings , they might be able to infer that I have am still breathing because of blind faith. I beg to differ, I hid myself from everyone and my shell was what I presented. That shell I used to stay hidden and spent a lifetime reinforcing the structure so that the real world couldn’t affect me.

I apologize, I went a little bit deeper than I intended. I truly am thankful you reached out, too bad that I can’t seem to read what people write to me and take it in as intended without over analyzing every aspect of it.

I am truly grateful and thankful for your support and compassion.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami you know your shell, your stubbornness yes it was created by you, but you had to go keep yourself safe, it was the best thing for you at the time. Old habits are hard to break, so don't be so hard on yourself ❤ if you want to do things trying doing jobs where perhaps you can sit and do. It's just hard knowing how much pain your in. And the dark dark place, those thoughts are daily things for me too, but you are still stronger than that ❤ maybe ER isn't a great option, but perhaps a phone call to your doctor on Monday explaining the new symptoms may get things moving more qyickly ❤ like you said step by step, your doing a lot better than you think🙂 hugs you tightly ❤❤

There is a communication link set up , basically a private email system that allows that to happen. I have already sent some updates. However I write here the whining majority. I try and not be a burden because of every little ache and pain. Especially considering that there is a step to investigate this further in the works. I did let them know I stopped talking the latest pain medication because it wasn’t working for what it was intended for. I have updated a little on the pain but there is still an eternity of seconds between now and Monday so I will wait until Monday to update further unless things drastically change.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😥 yeah the wait is the worst part😞 sorry sweetie. They don't need to know about the painkillers, and if you tell them, it will just cause you problems. But the numb parts, you need to mention that. Perhaps write a list of things to tell them, just incase you forget anything ❤❤ remember I love you ❤