Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Actually I think my strength has been weakening over the last year or so. I have become so entrenched in my misery and anxieties. I spend my life hiding. That’s probably not going to change, just stating the facts. The physical demands of my job have become overwhelming, but is that because of my mental state or actual physical state? I don’t think that that’s going to matter much anyway. I am at a dead end that has trapped me and I believe an opening will appear and when I crawl across that threshold the door will slam shut and I will be in a whole new scary darkness. Where besides the darkness nothing is familiar .
This feeling of helplessness and hopelessness, which has been blessed with taking away my only way of distracting myself from my thoughts. This completely demeaning feeling of complete and utter worthlessness. Being completely trapped with only my own thoughts to entertain myself is the worst punishment bestowed upon me yet. I try and be completely honest and forthright in my writings about me.
There is a certain reality that I need to add to make sure that I don’t leave any doubts. That reality involves the fact that there are thoughts and ideas that I will never be able to put in my writings. Those that have truly read my writings , meaning not just one or two but closer to the majority of them, know that my darkness is deep and darker than dark. Those things I think should be journaled , but the triggers would involve nearly every word, plus very few would be able to read and understand without overreacting and assuming the worst. These thoughts and ideas are at the core root of all my thoughts. Everything else racing around in my head is definitely infected with the virus of the extremely dark and cold.
This is a very big reason why I know that I will never escape the darkness.
That in itself should vaguely describe why this current situation is the most vindictive punishment bestowed on me so far.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami It's hard to be stuck in bed and stuck in your own head. I was disappointed to read that your doctor's office isn't open on Fridays. I wish you would just rest. I know it sucks being stuck in bed but you could be causing more damage by trying to do things like @Tinywhisper11 said.
If you feel yourself getting even weaker or the pain gets even worse please Iam - go to the hospital. I know that's probably the last thing you want to do but sometimes we have to push ourselves in that direction. Please don't let yourself suffer. Maybe try a heating pad or ice packs? Maybe a soak in the tub? Although that might be hard getting in and out of
@mytwistedsoul
Believe it or not I do understand the strong possibility that my stubbornness can create a scenario more severe than staying in bed. I lay here trapped in my thoughts and I weigh the pros and cons of attempting to do anything physically.
That list that I am able complete puts the columns at an equal weight. When my thoughts go pitch dark I need a major distraction in order to jump the track a little.
I have “lurked” in the rooms, usually not long. It’s normally a situation of a group party or actually someone being listened to and they openly sharing what is currently their biggest struggles at the moment. Most of those issues seem to be of situations I either can’t relate to or I overly relate and realize I still haven’t found the solution to the same problem that someone probably at least 30 years younger than me has a excellent chance of getting through because they are willing to address it while they are young. Then I realize my darkness needs to stay far away from any positive light they are receiving. I try reading some different writings that I normally wouldn’t, just to try and distract myself.
I have attempted the heating pads and they feel ok at first then I doze off and the problem arises that the pad is mainly underneath me and when I wake up I feel worse. Ice or cold is extremely momentary relief. Tub soak would be good I think but you’re correct getting out is something I would not be able to accomplish.
Escaping my thoughts is the battle that is brewing around this nonsense.
Thank you, I hope you don’t think I’m not appreciative of your advice and thoughts. Sometimes I overthink things and right now I am overthinking everything.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami No worries. I didn't think anything like that. I'm basically just spouting off ideas. I figured you probably tried most every thing by now
I’m trying to think of a good word to describe right now…I think restless fits. I have a strong need to do something physical for distraction, even after I get up and the pain goes platinum, then I lay back down and the time it takes for the pain to minimize, that time involves thoughts of what I might be able to try and do that might not be as bad on the pain scale. The pain subsides a little and the darkest thoughts take control, which I then have a battle of thoughts. I have gotten up and moved around to intentionally spark the pain to distract the brain to change thought track.
My way of surviving is no longer a feasible option. I know no other way.
I just was in one of the rooms and had the perfect opportunity to share. I didn’t even try, I wanted to but a time limit on sharing, which I understand why I just couldn’t get much down in that time . It can take me ten minutes to do a sentence.
I just will continue to leave my writings here in my little corner.
why am I who I am whoever that is? Why am I so stubborn it makes me behave like a fool. I continue to insist on moving around a little for distraction and I keep getting the consequences of my actions 10 fold. I need to figure out something to distract myself or to just put me to sleep until they figure out an appointment for the next MRI, then again until a bit before the appointment do I can get there.
There are too many different thoughts racing around in my head and that race has turned into a demolition derby of sorts.
like a multi-ball pinball machine. Thoughts intermixing, frustration, restlessness, Starting to believe that using the pain as a distraction is the only logical aid for now.
I only need to get up and walk a few feet and then let the pain take over and the hold those thoughts have gotten will disappear for a little while. Nothing extreme. No different than going to the bathroom or getting a drink of water or dew.
The temptation to go to the ER is there, but that is just my impatience having its say. The ER would be a waste of time and money, It would be a pointless trip. If it did push the envelope for the MRI, the problem pops up that the machine there is way too small, my claustrophobia would drive a massive panic attack and the still wouldn’t sedate me because of transportation issues. They would then force the issue and bully me into doing it regardless of my reactions.
This ER has bullied me before, I am extremely uncomfortable going there for anything anymore. Unfortunately, in the end the medical facilities are somewhat interlinked so complete separation is near impossible.
I picked a bunch bagels last week when I left work in severe pain on the first day of this new journey . My thinking was easy food to fix, I semi-toast and butter them. I just realized that I was wrong about that theory. I didn’t think about the fact I need to remain standing at the counter to get the butter on quickly enough so it melts into it. I made 3 of them and I am still wincing.
I think due to the strange ways I need to maneuver into so that the pain will start to minimize, my body is reacting in other areas. I’m starting to get slight tingling in my hands and arms.
Having trouble grasping on thoughts to write down. Lay here and start writing and then it’s gone, backspace/delete and try again, and again. The extreme darkness is battling for dominance in my brain. Trying not to give into encouraging pain to distract.
It seems like I am at war with myself, one after another and the panic and anxiety attacks that I am trying desperately to suppress at the same time. Laying here I am in uncharted darkness. I just tried taking a toothpick and lightly poking around the tingling areas and there are definitely numb areas mixed in.
