Ramblings 3

I got up and went to the bathroom then walked to the back room/laundry room, no purpose in mind out of bed and hoping even though pain is still very much present that it wouldn’t increase much, I then slowly walked to the other end of the house, pain woke up and isn’t happy with me. I made my way back into bed. I keep trying anything involving walking and slight movement in the remote chance that the pain levels out and I could maybe go to work, doing what I don’t know but this struggle is at the top of the charts for most difficult ones that I can remember. Of course with my memory issues isn’t necessarily saying much.

One thing about being stuck in bed with only my thoughts for company I don’t know for sure if my brain flickers. With the way my thoughts race and careen around I think I zone out like a small flicker. If I can’t grasp on any thoughts I am just a blank screen.

Throughout this past week or so, have been trying to figure out what seems like everything because I am so completely lost, confused and frustrated. Enough so that one of the things that I am going to have to do, no choice about it, is to trust other and ask for help in a system that I strongly disagree with. I need help, and I want help navigating the issues that have arisen around me. But trusting anyone (including myself) is something that I am extremely inexperienced at. I know I should take baby steps and address one thing at a time. I need to get a grasp on a lot more than that. I think this situation requires me somehow handling several different issues at once. Which I am not mentally capable of doing right now.

Therapy and psychologists, counselors in one form or another, in general, basically teach methods involving one step at a time, for anxieties, depression, etc. For most situations I agree with that. However nobody has ever been able to explain how to navigate scenarios such as mine. At least not with fully understanding the mental effects the situation has instilled into people affected.

In my situation, This back and leg issue is front and center of what needs addressed asap. However, work / income, insurance, what changes are coming because of the main issue need to be addressed also so some kind of stability can be attained. Having nobody by my side creates its own set of obstacles regarding the main issue.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm not sure how it works outside the UK. But here the doctor can refer you to a council worker, who comes to your house, and then go through things that would help you the most, they cover everything mental health help, nurses, help with safety and cleaning. But I'm not sure if that's a thing out in America

@Tinywhisper11

Are you ok?

I will try and discuss with doctor about possible help with navigating this .

I am to the point that I think that the best thing to happen right now would be something along the lines of spinal fusion surgery. That would solidify several points in question. My work, possibly employment would have to change, Which has an issue within itself, which is not relevant right now. I would probably be forced to apply for some kind of disability, whether part of full. I am drifting in thoughts so done for now.

Surgery I am still convinced that would be the better scenario. My body is rapidly fading and my physical ability to do my job has also struggled. The one person at my work that is aware of a good portion of things regarding my issues . By far not everything but more than I am comfortable with. They are about 10 years older and do try to do the tasks that I struggle with. At least when I am at the shop. When I am on the road working I am on my own. Jobs are taking me longer than usual to complete because my ability to move freely is really starting to limit speed. Plus the brain flickers are starting to become more and more obvious. That job is still what I know and until now I’ve been able to do my job.

So I am close to actually saying that I am hoping that what they find and determine is spinal fusion surgery. If it is less than that and pain can mostly be eliminated I would be stubborn and continue doing this job that is very stressful on an older body.

I may be looking at this from the darkness and maybe my preexisting issues are helping to convince myself that this is the best short term outcome. My body is already struggling from the abuse it has taken from my life. So this would be just another day as far as that is concerned. I just don’t handle pain at all anymore. So the physical struggle will probably be rough.

I attempted to take a few items to the garage and hang up. Trying to see if I might be able to go to work tomorrow at least for a while. I am kind of getting a little bit used to the pain. The items I took out were only about 14 pounds each. Light compared to a lot of other things handled at work . 4 items 4 trips . They are load binders so a little awkward but normally no issues. My lower back has been hurting all day. But it really woke up after I picked up the second one . By the time I hung up that one both legs and lower back found another octave to scream in. I forced myself to take the other two, one at a time. And hang them up. Then when I was trying to turn around I lifted my left leg up a little and tried to turn my leg stayed on the ground. It did that this morning when I showered but I put it out thinking I imagined it. But it seems the more I try and push through the pain no matter how severe the worse this thing is hindering me. I managed, somehow to stay upright coming back in and up the stairs and back into bed.

Trigger warning for SI…suicidal ideation and similar things

I don’t like writing about my own thoughts and experiences here. But right now with where I am at physically and mentally, lower and lower by the minute. No friends (except the few here) no family no support, I am sure I have mentioned a time or ten my lifetime of dealing with those darkest of thoughts. I had thoughts in early grade school, I acted on those thoughts also, I knew what my intentions were I just didn’t understand the methods. Every morning when I wake, several times throughout the day and my thoughts in bed at night. Sprinkle in intermixed thoughts throughout the rest of the time. I have even had dreams/nightmares consisting of those thoughts. Nearly fifty years of this barrage of thoughts that are at the very core of my being. To just suffer with this alone is near impossible to stave off once in awhile much less nearly all the time. Add in severe depression, multiple anxiety issues including panic attacks. Childhood trauma, possible CTE, brain flickers, and many other mental issues. On top of that add in a body giving up after years of abuse,(broken bones, that kind of thing) some kind of spinal issue creating to the moon extent of pain, that seems to have a more than likely chance of creating a complete lifestyle change. Think of all that battling inside my head, being bedridden and in turn being trapped with my own thoughts, unable try and distract by working or doing something physical. To lay there hour after hour, day after day, struggling with so much and still trying to minimize the glow of those darkest of thoughts. To literally lie to myself about why that is not a solution, when the few things keeping me grounded are getting pulled from me. That battle is real as anything can get, and nearly fifty years of this battle inside, has brought me to this point, war torn and shattered. I am “safe” as far as that goes, but I am far from ok. As I wrote this , I lived it and I don’t know how I made it this long in the darkness all alone.

Whatever it was that got me to this point , is completely depleted. I am not prepared for what lies ahead, I am scared and afraid of this complete unknown that I now find myself in.

I think the most difficult thing right now is the fact that I have no control of my life right now, I can’t even do enough physical activity to distract myself from my thoughts. The paid in control, and I keep being stubborn and trying to do physical activity and my body keeps upping the level of reminders regarding who’s in charge.

Correction… the pain is in control

What is the worst thing that could happen if I pushed past the pain for an extended period of time. Longer period of time before pain starts to ease? Permanent Nerve damage ? Muscle damage? Or is it possible that doing so could push it way past spinal fusion to permanent spinal damage?

I may not be able to make my mind not feel the pain but I think I can keep pushing and get back to some physical activity for thought distraction.

Left leg still tingling and numbness, lower back is hurting but it is right around the spine area upper spine pain right at spine.

went to bathroom and when I stood up left leg pain skyrocketed.

Laying in any position is not working. Laying on back makes lower back pain worse but it currently feels like a ball of pain.. I can’t think of better words to describe it. Left leg pain and numbness.

Since the previous post I’ve managed to stay in bed and only get up for bathroom. Lower back pain is like it’s a ball of pain at the spine, left leg numbness and pain in the knee area. Level is for the most part mild to moderate. Usual elevation in pain while sitting and getting up from toilet.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami you've suffered so much, for so long. And each thought, each day, you've been fighting your own war. And everytime you have won the battle, and continued to push through ❤❤ I understand I really do, that it's all so much happening right now and it's terrifying, whatever happens I want you to know that I'm so proud of you for holding on so long, I'm proud of you for always being true to yourself, I'm proud of how your handling the pain, ❤ it's not fair you've had to go through all this, and I can only hope and pray that things go well for you ❤ my friend your always in my thoughts ❤

Laying here and I am wondering how @Tinywhisper11 is.

I can’t begin to understand what she’s going through. I am worried about her. I can’t explain why, but I have this strange

feeling that she is in need of a lot of support right now.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami thanks for thinking about me and worrying ❤🙂 your very sweet ❤ I'm not gonna lie, I'm not doing great, and I don't know how to get through this pain, shame guilt, the memories of watching helplessly as they took his life. I don't know how to do this, how to get through this😥

@Tinywhisper11

The only thing I have to offer is a shoulder to cry on, a pair of listening ears, and my friendship . I would gladly take all your grief and pain and merge it with my own.

I invite you to come here and write whatever you need to , I will listen with an open heart and mind. I am here for you. I don’t have answers or solutions, but I do have your hand in mine .

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 🙂❤ thank you ❤ but I'm not even sure what to say, I'm feeling like my brain is a bit numb right now

@Tinywhisper11

What is important is you ! No words are necessary. I am here if you need me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ❤❤❤ I'm not in the best place right now, but I'm trying

@Tinywhisper11

That is the most important thing… Keep trying. I will be here patiently waiting for you to reach out if you need me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami trigger warning, death. ..... When I have birth to him, I was only 10 🤔 possibly 11 years old, we were both put  in the cage together, he was so beautiful, his tiny hands and toes, his big blue eyes, he was just perfect🙂 I got to hold him the rest of the day and all night holding him close to me to keep him warm. He was just so precious ❤ then the next morning we were taken to the torture rooms. I will never forget his little screams, his cries in pain, I failed him, I failed as a mother. I didn't protect him. I will never forgive myself, and I'm not sure he could ever forgive me either😥 it breaks my heart, I wish things were different😥😥

There are no words I could ever say that would ease your suffering. However, I firmly believe that you didn’t fail him, You were in an extremely horrible situation. I firmly believe that as for forgiveness he already did that the day you gave birth to him and looked lovingly into his big blue eyes and carressed his tiny hands and toes. He knows how deep and warm your love is. Someday I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself like he did with his first breath.

I wish things were different as well. I am picturing wrapping you up in a big warm comforting embrace.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami thankyou ❤❤ I'm gonna try to to sleep now, the tears have been falling for hours now, I've worn myself out.

I hope you get some relief from the pain tonight, hugs you tightly ❤ 

thanks for being there for me ❤ I love you ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I was thinking that if you haven't heard from the doctor yet I would call them. I can't promise that it will help them move faster but at least they would be aware that the pain hasn't eased and there's numbness. I worry that the longer you wait there could be more damage

There’s an online method using my account at the hospital and doctors that allows me to send messages and such to the doctor or nurse and keep them updated . I don’t update like I do here, but I condense it quite a bit.

Doing more damage does concern me also. And struggling with everything else at the same time. I am grasping for what I can to avoid spiraling.

Thank you again for checking in on me.

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you for continuing to reach out and support me with your kindness.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami It's nice they have that feature and I'm glad you're making use of it. At least they're aware and hopefully make the time to look into things sooner rather than later. It's hard when there's so much coming at you and you were already dealing with other things

That's what friends are for! Sending good vibes your way

it is a useful system but it is integrated among many hospital networks and appointments like the one I am waiting for scheduling on has to go through the red tape process due to different hospital than my main provider. So it’s a waiting game for all involved in scheduling.

This waiting game is definitely not going to be a short one. It sure isn’t being too friendly on my nervous anxieties.

Maybe I have updated the doctors office too much, maybe I am just that irritating patient that ends up getting ignored because they are annoying. I haven’t heard anything from them today. There office is now closed for the day.

I think it’s going to be another long night.

I have nothing really new, Just getting extremely impatient and frustrated with this waiting and waiting while I keep attempting to struggle along.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami actually I think you do have to keep on to them, to get things moving faster. So don't worry about being that annoying patient, it's important to let them know ❤ I hope you were able to get some sleep, hugs you tightly ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I will try and call them tomorrow. You have been in my thoughts quite often today. I sleep a little here and there. Since this back and leg thing my body has been in an extremely offbeat state. Even before that I would sleep at most 2-3 hours and then I am awake for a bit, If I laid there long enough I would doze off for a little while again.

❤️ Hugs you tightly as well.❤️

In a lot of pain, I don’t think it’s going to ease any time soon.

The darkest of thoughts were completely overwhelming so I ended up moving some somewhat more awkward and heavier things around. I forced myself to continue until the pain level beat back the thoughts. I did have to crawl to the bed several times and lay down just long enough for the pain to ease enough that I could get back up and continue. If I would’ve done the same thing before this back and leg thing, it probably would’ve taken 10 minutes. But it was about an hour for me to complete the same task . I tried coming here multiple times to do the same thing but I couldn’t grasp the words to put down here.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤  I wish I could have your pain, so you wouldn't have to go through all this. I hope the doctor at least contacts you today. Well done for fighting through those dark thoughts, very proud of you ❤