Ramblings 3

@Tinywhisper11

Your positivity is amazing. I am thankful to have met you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awwww thanks sweetie ❤❤❤

TW ….about death and dying.

Laying here and drifted to sleep and I started to wake up , I think, it felt like I was … drifting away? This happened a couple times. Maybe my punishment is nearly over and my last breath is near.

It may seem..well I am not sure what word I am struggling to think of.

I do have a fear of dying though. If there is something along the lines of life after, or reincarnation or heaven/***. I don’t want anymore after what this life has dished out.

I just want it to end. I am nearing the half century mark of misery.

This is not a new revelation. This is a daily occurrence.

I’m debating whether I should go to sleep or not.

I just checked the online scheduling for my appointment tomorrow, I was still debating on canceling, but for some reason the reason for visit was marked as follow up appointment, when I specifically said severe leg pain.

No wonder I don’t think that this appointment will help anything.

I don’t want to go to doctors appointments like this anymore. I am honestly scared of what they may find, or not find , meaning scheduling many more appointments with other doctors and then still not getting any real answers. I struggle enough going to this doctor. On top of that I don’t have the drive left for multiple appointments, or being told I need to change my lifestyle or habits. To do this alone I can’t do it.

Not having any support is starting to really make its mark.

What I wouldn’t give to be wrapped in the warm embrace of a compassionate supportive hug. But then again the warmth disappears and I am back in reality.

I’m not sure what to do next

I am out of options. I am at a complete loss of next steps

I thought I couldn’t get any lower mentally, I mean after almost fifty years of this I really thought I was as low as I could go and was just destined to roam the darkness at that depth. Then sometime in the last week, the bottom fell out again.

You would think that with all the years spent in the darkness that depth could not be felt.

The words to describe things for the place I am in don’t exist. I don’t even want to try and find the words.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope you keep your appointment tomorrow. I'm sure you are beyond frustrated and disappointed. You've tried so many things to make things better and I'm so sorry there hasn't been anything to help. If they can help with the pain that would be good right? 

Laying here , struggling to get out of bed and start the mental battle to shower, then the one to get dressed, then to go outside, get in the truck, then the bigger one to start the truck and actually get to the doctor, the entire drive consisting of the battle to go in and stay for the appointment.

These mental battles are occurring inside my head pretty much 24/7.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami come on you can do it ❤ you know a cold shower in the mornings is a great feeling ❤ I understand it's all scary and just so much, especially when you are alone in all this😥 my heart truely breaks for you. I wish I could give you a real hug, and keep you company through the darkness. I believe in heaven, but heaven will be different, no more suffering or pain. If you do go to the doctors, let us know how you got on ❤ gives you a warm embracing virtual hug

I did make it to the doctor. They took X-rays of lower spine.

I just got the results of that, I don’t understand what it says or means but I will try and write it down so I can write it here.

Possible pars defect at L5-S1, multilevel degenerative disc space disease with endplate spurring, L5-S1 facet arthritis, degenerative changes both sacroiliac joints, multiple calcified pelvic phleboliths?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm glad you made it to your appointment. Will the doctor call you back in so he can explain all of this? I know some of it through google but I guess there's a few different ways to handle it? 

I’m not triggered or anything, I just want to know how serious this could be? A follow up appointment to discuss options sounds really ominous, my doctor hasn’t read the findings yet and I’m starting to think this is something extremely serious/bad. I tried searching on the findings, but could only seem to get ok results with doing each segment individually and I really shouldn’t have done that, now I’m a little freaked out, actually a lot freaked out. Part of it by itself would be bad enough, but something about spinal surgery really scares me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh no I didn't mean to freak you out. They'd probably try some physical therapy first and then maybe suggest a chiropractor? They usually don't jump to surgery right off the bat

I was already freaking out, I am just going to be worked up until I hear from doctor.

@mytwistedsoul

I would think that they would contact me somehow.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're right. They should set up another appointment to go over everything with you 

Is it that bad that they need another appointment to explain results?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami No it's not bad. It's just the way they work really. You get the x-rays done and then they look at them and call you to come back in so they can explain everything to you. That's how my doctor's office works anyway

Actually I was referring to the findings of the x-rays being bad. In the past I’ve gotten most updates over the phone , some in office because follow up appointment already scheduled.

I just don’t trust my brain anymore, I have to reread things multiple times usually because I register words that aren’t there and I then misread a lot of things. Now trying to piece together the findings myself is really making me nervous/scared because one of those things listed something about fusing the spine together. I am probably overthinking but where I am at mentally it is impossible not to overthink it.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Idk if it helps but I usually have to reread things a number of times too and my brain adds words or takes them away and I just have a hard time comprehending what I'm reading. 

@mytwistedsoul

@Tinywhisper11

thank you for your support and advice. It means a lot to me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're welcome Iam. I just wish we could do for you 💙 

Laying here in bed as usual, but in what normally is a very uncomfortable position (it’s still uncomfortable) because the pain in my leg and back is almost nonexistent this way.

Disappointing that I have to get up to use the bathroom and the pain will be back at the 10+ level shortly.

Muscle relaxer is not helping at all, doctor prescribed that and steroids and wants to wait 1-2 weeks to see if any improvement is made with this attempt.

That in itself is really pushing me to scream for help (on the inside) . I honestly can’t navigate the future on my own. With all I’m trying to handle, the decisions regarding job alone is something I can’t do much less figuring out the red tape of whatever I should do regarding disability or partial disability or anything else I need to do. Overwhelmed is just the icing on the cake, social anxiety, forgetfulness, and Inability to fully accept that I need help with all of this which means If I somehow manage to get someone to help me I will have to trust them completely.

My job requires full movement, and a lot of driving, well, that really doesn’t matter anymore because this latest addition is forcing me to give up a job that I have done for a long time.

I am far from confident that muscle relaxers and steroids are going to accomplish anything. If it does, at the most it will be a temporary bandaid. What they found on x-rays should take a lot more than that. One part of what they found discusses spinal surgery. Maybe I’m wrong in what I read, my brain has been a little less than perfect lately, but something that usually requires surgery to repair, is not solved by muscle relaxers and steroids. I’m have put more trust in this doctor than any doctors in the last couple decades, I think. Providing I continue with addressing this new pain, I am forced to trust the decision to wait and see.

I just need whatever happens to happen while I still have a job and insurance.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami so proud of you for going to the doctors ❤ it is all scary I understand that, but let's try not to freak out till you get the follow up appointment and hears what your doctor says, (easier said than done, I know) but whatever life throws at you, me and soul are here beside you every step of the way ❤❤ as for getting help and putting your trust in someone, yeah! That's hard, but I strongly believe there are many good people out there who just want what's best for you. Sends you giant hugs ❤❤ and keeps you in my prayers

Thank you. I will never understand how you can manage to read my miserable whinings. I am very appreciative that you do. I just don’t understand how or why people who have their own struggles can put forth so much positivity and love and support to so many including myself, who is always going to be the way I am.

I was thinking of a picture/video clip, that you sent with one of your responses to me and I hope that I never forget that particular one. It really got to me. I’m not one with emotions, but being as alone as I am, that particular one sent from someone as special as you really reached all the way through baggage mountain and touched me. The simple gesture of a true friend reaching out to hold my hand and let me know I am not alone.

The doctor did reach out and wants to wait and see what the muscle relaxer and steroids do. 1-2 weeks.

Thank you, Thank you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah I remember sending you the holding hand gif ❤❤ I read your messages because I care, that's what friends do. Also I like you just the way you are. I wish and pray for better things to come your way. But your a very honest, open person, and I respect that. I think I'm the same honest, and pretty open. It's a good quality to have ❤❤ ok well steroids and cream, for 2 weeks, will maybe be the answer, to the flare ups and pain. Let's just hope and pray for the best ❤ everything will be ok ❤ hugs you close to my heart and never let's you go ❤

I didn’t want to jinx anything but it didn’t matter anyway. I had gotten up and made my usual several nighttime trips to the bathroom and I had no major leg pain. Then the last trip ripped that shred of possibility away. I woke it up and it definitely wasn’t happy. And it made sure to let me know. Laid back down and took awhile to find a position that eased the pain a little.

I am so completely drained, mentally , physically, I can’t count emotionally because I’m lacking that, completely exhausted. I am clueless about what to do, what to expect, how to go about things. I am just …lost is the word coming to my tongue but that can’t be it because I have been lost my entire life. I could probably list a lot of words to truthfully describe me right now and most of them would be the same or similar ones that could describe me at any point throughout my life. None of them positive. There has to be a word or phrase that I could write here to describe the place I am in.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I describe that, when I'm in that place as.... Just wanting to curl up in a dark cave, away from everything, and everyone. And just be

@Iamwhoiamwhoami. There are urinals that men can use or bedside commodes for men/women that can lesson bathroom trips if you are in a lot of pain.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 

I have dealt with chronic pains , some mild some not so mild, even some that are crippling at times. However, this latest addition I can’t get a handle on, literally crippling pain and I can’t manage to block any of it out.

How much more must I be forced to endure?

That is a very selfish thing and I apologize to all those suffering worse than I. But unfortunately that is a part of who I am.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I don't think it's selfish at all. We all handle things differently. Everyone's pain tolerance is different and on top the pain you're already dealing with so much. It's unfair that you have so much to deal with. From what I read the steroids can take alittle to start to fight the inflammation which is probably why the doctor said a week or two. Depending on the dosage too. If it's adequate enough. I hope it starts to help you feel better