Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
I don’t like my memories being messed with, I don’t remember a lot of things, yet I have brief moments of a picture or short video involving different things that have me in them. I have episodes that are after effects of those moments. Shaking , rocking curled up clenched up , watery eyes, . But how do I know at this point that it’s not just a bad dream in the daytime while I am technically awake. ? What is true about me and my life? Did any of these things happen to me or do I have an overactive imagination? I don’t remember much about my breakdown a few years ago but the records from the hospital are there. There again I don’t remember what I specifically ate yesterday or when it was. Does that mean I didn’t eat? Nothing makes sense anymore.
It seems like the thoughts I am grasping onto are a little different than normal. I am beginning to think that there is no better path for me. That someone or something is toying with me and my life for their pleasure. Or maybe I am part of an experiment to see how much mental instability can one person take and still breathe.
I know that’s nonsense but it would explain a lot.
Even though I am eating pretty much the same junk everyday. It sucks getting down to the last few things, it seems like choices are gone and stuck eating whatever is there. The little variety I have left is mostly what I ordered that should be coming tomorrow night. So I will be stuck thinking about how sick I am of eating the same thing every day.
Trigger warnings for potentially anything.
SI is not a battle it is a war, a very large war that wreaks havoc in me every single day. It , like all wars, has no winners. I don’t necessarily classify anyone as a survivor, I classify them as traumatized casualties.
The one that has taken root in me has made sure that I
believe the agenda it preaches. . The reality is I do believe it. I have for many decades. That is not a sympathy statement, that is a reality fact. Anyone who has read my writings for awhile should be able to see that this is a fact. That doesn’t change anything in regards to “safety” . I am still safe.
The longer I lay here with my thoughts the more I realize the pointlessness of continuing to look for an escape route
The realization this morning when I called ER and had to face the reality how alone I truly am. If I would have chosen to go in it would have had to be via ambulance that would have cost Way too much, the last time I rode in one they billed me around 15,000 dollars just for a few miles and this woul have been over 20 miles.
I can’t drive so no options. So I chose to stay home.
This has been the culmination of my life choices brought to this point. . Choosing between suffering and another outrageous bill that is more than the value of my life.
If I were closer to hospital I probably would have hobbled or drug myself there. But I will not get charged an exorbitant amount of money for a long taxi ride. I didn’t like coming to that decision because the experience I was having was very very scary. . Being all alone was amplified 100 fold at that moment.
The fear was real I was experiencing a time of slight nausea with this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear.
Going forward is not something I am comfortable with
if this morning is any indication of the future I can’t do it.
That indescribable feeling I had this morning rattled me to the core. I am sure many others know that feeling. That particular point I would have given anything to have had anybody come up to me and not saying anything just wrapping me up in a warm loving embrace and letting me know I am not alone. But having that particular moment was surprisingly traumatic for me. I do not like using that term because I don’t take it lightly. But it suits this situation very well. I don’t think that the hospital would have done anything except pour more drugs in me..
I am trapped right now in the thoughts of my extreme darkness. I can’t escape them so the only way to cope with them is to try and capture them and write them down. That is my way of coping.
Like I said before after years of the darkest of thoughts being woven into my core, being scrolled through my thoughts multiple times a day year after year , I do believe those things are true about me. Whatever anyone wants to say about it , those things are a root part of me. People try and tell me a lot of different things,all revolving around the same things, my self worth, strength, etc. , I do try to believe that those things are true however everything that I struggle with and the new things that are thrown in keep proving them wrong and that just adds another layer of reinforcement to those core beliefs.
I’m not sure what the difference is between chronic severe depression (lasting a lifetime) and any other shorter periods of severe depression, there probably isn’t much if anything different. But after spending nearly 50 years struggling these lowest and darkest of thoughts, plus having so many other struggles piled on and eventually intertwined around and into my core. I don’t think that I will ever believe anything different.
I am not worthy of the friendships of those beautiful people like Tinywhisper11 , mytwistessoul , DarkBlueAurora, (hopefully got the last one right). They possess all the positive qualities that I will never have. They state things they see that are positive things, they may be things I possess however they are the smallest of growths overshadowed by all the darkness.
The thoughts that accompany the darkness are vicious to the point facts about me and my self worth. These words may be hard to read but they are the hardest of truths . Whatever good or positive things that may be inside of me are overshadowed by the decades of realization of those things which were ingrained into me for so long like a mantra.