Ramblings 3

@DarkBlueAurora

I suppose that could be possible?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Dark blue xD 

Yes ^-^

@BlueDarkAurora

I’m so sorry for that, I mess up so much of my typing and spend a lot of time correcting, yet the most difficult thing is typing everybody’s names in on every response . My focus gets goofy typing them in. I didn’t catch that one.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami please don't be ^-^ I find it funny xD dark blue, it's like you're saying it how it should be while I was trying to be cool with the blue dark. All good :) you write well and we all suffer from the wrath of typos :p 

Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami @BlueDarkAurora

Till a few years ago I didn't realise people had birthdays or celebrated them. I never knew about xmas, Halloween Easter didn't know any holidays existed. So I told myself when I learned more about celebrations, that I'm gonna celebrate everything I possibly can from them on😁 I buy myself toys (scaletrix, or train tracks, remote control card and helicopters. Just fun things so I can celebrate even on my own😁❤

@BlueDarkAurora that's what I do😁🎈🎈🎈

❤️❤️❤️If I was there beside you I would celebrate with you ❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ❤❤🙂 

What would you but me for a present???

I'd buy you🤔🤔 a easy access (for wheelchairs) ground floor log cabin in the woods, next to mine😁oooo! Ooo! I would buy you some walkie talkies 😁so we can talk  to each other from our cabins😁😎

@Tinywhisper11

I would spend as much time with you as possible, maybe even exploring the world with you and learning what you want that would mean the most to you, something (that could be bought or attained) and give you that item. Because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to settle on the perfect gift.

❤️❤️Truly, what do you buy for an angel ❤️❤️

What is it about happiness that lures the masses? I have managed to still be breathing after a lifetime of not being in such a place. I mean, really, why would anyone want to be happy and enjoy life? To enjoy the company of others. I mean c’mon , wanting to be able to express love and feel the love of others? That is just utter nonsense.

And another attribute that I have and am able to express…. Sarcasm.

I say it a lot but I hate my body. Between the pains minor and major, the anxieties, the brain issues the fat , ok I will stop there. I just hate my body.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami why people try to be happy and love others. Well I was in the dark, like you (sort of) for 18 years, living in fear, from the age of 11 my mind and body turned numb. Then it took a good year or so, to realise I was now in the human world. It's like I'd been given another chance, a chance at a real life. I know I'm not brave enough to do some things I really want to. But I have seen the kindness in people know, ice learned so much and I have everything I could ever of imagined. I'm not gonna waste a single second. I'm gonna be the best me. People choose happiness, cause it gives them a warmth inside, a good feeling, and then you realise you can be and spread that love into the hearts of others ❤

And yeah! I hate my body too, so it's all good we can be ugly together ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I believe that everyone in this community is beautiful and brave. But you…. You are the bravest and most beautiful person I know and am blessed to have you as a wonderful beloved friend.

💕💕Gentle Loving Hugs💕💕

Trigger warning for gender related talk, possibly childhood trauma and abuse. Sexual thoughts, depends on where my mind takes this right now.

Things are looking up, never mind, I am just looking at the ceiling. Sorry more sarcasm

This fog my mind is usually in seems to be moving around in my head along with my thoughts.

I try to grasp onto one and I can’t even see what it is.

One thing I don’t think I talk about here very much if at all is something that definitely doesn’t matter but it is something that has been a string of thoughts that I have grasped onto periodically lately.

I hope my friends here won’t shun me for the following talk. It only relates to me and my issues .

Strap yourself in if you are brave enough to continue reading, this may be my longest rambling segment yet if I can stay focused.

I am what the world calls a trans woman (regrettably only on the inside). For the majority of my life I had no ideas what that was, or even that it existed at all. I just knew I was different. Even now I don’t fully understand my part in that identity that describes me. Once I realized this epiphany, I tried to get as much information on this as I could. I tried reaching out to centers and groups for people like me, however other than some helpful information and a few possible contacts. Not much available. Supposedly there was a group or two in the town I will be going to meet the surgeon for my back. Upon checking into that, they no longer exist. I even reached out to ones in other states and they were nice enough and offered to let me reconnect with them to chat if I wanted to. I wanted to but my anxieties were working against me. If I was going to be able to get information from a place like that I would have to do it person to person, even as difficult as that would be for me, the fear of some unkind person on the other end of the phone or computer screen that actually hates people like me ranks higher on the fear list.

I had never explored the full appearance makeover until this time in my life.

For reference this was not that long before my complete breakdown a few years back. Actually it may have been a year or two before that.

I eventually got brave enough to schedule and keep an appointment with a place in a town not that far away for an extremely discrete lesson in makeup application. They were wonderful about it, while I was a complete wreck. I did buy some things there and afterwards bought some online. Plus of course clothes etc. when I had my breakdown it all went in the trash.

Now to backtrack to around the beginning of this part of my miserable journey.

I was molested by the sperm donor of a father . Full transparency, I had always suspected as much , even as a young child, but it was never truly verified until one of the couple of times I made the mistake of looking back and trying to reconnect with my mother and sisters that I had walked away from so long ago. In those short conversations I was made aware that my suspicions were true.

At the young age of five or six I remember exploring myself in a sexual way, and having thoughts of that ….that thing. Thoughts involving him. I knew that I was not normal because of that and it was a very shameful and wrong thing to do or even think . I knew I couldn’t speak about it to anyone.

I did over the years of my youth explore those same types of things with other boys. I think I was always the instigator. However, nobody knew I preferred girls clothes over boys, not even my mother, she probably did and just never broached the topic. Like everything else, unless I was being punished, her lips were mostly sealed. After school was over, I explored and dressed behind closed doors. The shame would get to be too much and I would trash all of it pretty regularly.

I ended up marrying a woman that I never should have married. Not because of the topic I am trying to write about but for deeper more meaningful reasons that relate to the meaning of marriage.

Maybe another time for that discussion.

I was able to keep it quiet from hrr for mosf of the marriage, but she eventually found out , our marriage went downhill for a long time before that and the distrust began and embedded deep inside her, she insisted that I was cheating on her, accusing me of doing so for years and I never did cheat on her. I did come extremely close to doing just that with someone, and this was several years into being accused of it and literally no relationship of any kind with my wife fot several years. It was not right of me to do so but I was beyond desperate to be with someone who wanted to be with me.

She never believed me, which eventually searching through everything I put anywhere and she found my stash of clothes, etc., her first words yelling at me were accusing me of being a perverted child molester because I liked women’s clothes.

That was like stabbing me repeatedly. I finally was able to get her to listen to me and understand that wasn’t remotely true. I explained these things in a very vague way to make her think I was just a crossdresser nothing more. Even though our marriage was truly only there on paper only. I didn’t want to admit it was completely over and get a divorce. After my parents divorced and everything that happened within the confines of that sick mess. I swore to myself if I got married I wouldn’t get divorced. I also swore that I would be a better parent than either of my so called ones, and I ended up being the worst at it.

If she knew my true desires and thoughts and the main reason for the clothes, it would have been over on the spot and she would have yelled it from the highest towers, rented highway signs, whatever she could to condemn the person I was.

After several years, she left along with her adult kids.

about 10 years after she left I had my latest breakdown.

That part of me which is the real me at least in form . That part of me will no longer be any part of the outside me. The chance for that to ever happen has long since passed. My health conditions keep piling up and are all headed downhill not anywhere else.

So with all the regrets in my life, this would have to be the biggest regret. If I would’ve had the strength and courage to discuss my issues honestly and completely as a child and a teenager, in a time when those things were definitely not discussed openly, that true root part of me might’ve had a chance to be watered and nurtured and allowed yo blossom. Instead I kept it hidden inside all my other baggage forever.

There is a lot more details that I remember at the moment however the rating for admission would drastically change. Besides my focus is definitely slipping away.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

- Friend. There are other persons here that feel that their inside feels like a woman and they have a body like a man.

- So you learned to put on makeup.

- I guess the molesting caused by your father was sexual - and if it was it was terrible wrong of him to do that. About sexual fantasies of small boys I don't know - but I guess it is natural.

- So you liked the clothing of women - and tried for yourself. So what - nothing wrong with that. 

- Yes - you have been married. It's very sad that she said that you had been cheating on her when you had not done that. Very bad.

- So she found out about the clothes. I guess she didn't know anyone who did the same as you and therefore could not react in a more mature way. I'm very sad for the hurt you may have felt.

- So you have children. Are they yours or hers from another marriage? Can I ask why you feel you were not a good parent? (You don't have to answer if it's too hard for you).

These sentences I don't understand: Or - I understand it this way: To live out (dress like a woman etc) you will not do anymore because of your health condition.

"That part of me which is the real me at least in form . That part of me will no longer be any part of the outside me. The chance for that to ever happen has long since passed. My health conditions keep piling up and are all headed downhill not anywhere else."

@Helgafy

Yes the molesting was sexual.

The children were hers from a previous marriage.

I tried in the beginning to be what I didn’t know how to be… a good parent. Once my wife and started drifting apart, we started arguing about everything, she was one that needed to continue an argument from start to finish with no breaks, she was extremely vocal and if wanted to walk away to cool down she followed still vocalizing the whole time, if I locked a door behind me she would break the door open. I had even tried driving away and she would follow me to continue the argument. About the time this arguing began, in her eyes no matter what I expected of the children mattered. She would not support me in any way in front of them. She constantly berated me to them . I ended up turning back to drinking to numb or dull the sound of her voice in my ears.

There are a lot of negativity that reflected on the children. I didn’t handle myself like I should have. Her son when he became a teenager became physically violent with me and then the arguments escalated a lot because now there are 3 involved, then her daughter joined into berating me . I ended up backed into a corner and not handling things well at all. I didn’t treat them the way they should have been treated. There was so much hate being spread and I gave up trying to be a proper parent. I lost myself in the drink. Alcohol.

Her boy was a mess for quite awhile. Many years after they left I heard that he killed himself.

There are a lot more details I did leave out. But the basics are here. The worst battles were with him . He was very much attached to his mother, he was born extremely premature, she became extremely attached to him because of this. So as time progressed he contacted child welfare and told lots of outrageous stories like how I threw him out of the house through a second story window. I am not going to rattle off any more of his stories. He is no longer alive to defend himself.

I strongly hold onto the belief that I played a very big role in his decision to end his life.

To live out as a woman , in my mind means going through the hormone replacement process, surgeries to add and remove body parts. The whole transformation. Which from what I understand goes against God.

At my age to go through that it is not a realistic option, especially with my health and mental conditions.

The only possible scenario of that part of me being able to step forward would be if I found a partner/relationship that supported and encouraged that part of me to come forward.

I don’t think a relationship is going to happen for me,so that part of me doesn’t exist in the real world for me.

Hopefully I answered your questions well enough. If not please ask again, or if I missed something, point it out to me and I will address it for you.

Thank you for asking me abut these things.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

-I guess it's not easy to handle children who come from another person. Your x really had perseverance when she wanted to discuss (lol)!

- I don't know how it is with the alcohol-problem you had earlier for now.

- It was very hard that her son became physically violent and lied to child welfare. Also that her daughter berated you.

- It was very sad to hear about her son - that he could not manage to stay on this earth.

I don't think you should "hold onto the belief that you played a very big role in his decision to end his life". Young persons with a fine home do the same.

OH - I didn't know about what you're telling about transformation and the spiritual aspect of it. What I know is that God loves us the way we are.

Maybe you find a partner, who knows.

@Helgafy

OH—. Was that a good or bad thing or just surprised.

As far as the transformation, my investigation into all of this regarding this part of me, that truly struck me as being what I need. If I was young I would probably try and take that path.

I refer to God on the topic because whether or not I believe, if there is a God , I should keep them in my consideration.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami God loves everyone no matter what or who they are. You should be free to be the real you, knowing God still loves you ❤ I still love you ❤ exploring your body at 5 years old is not normal. Unless that child has already learnt those things from someonr, like you did. But you are not nothing like that man. You are perfect in every way ❤❤

Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

@Tinywhisper11

Hi Tiny. I discuss a bit with you here. Children of 5 years can be busy with genitalia. Also they find out that girls and boys are different. There is nothing wrong with that.

@Helgafy

Can I jump in here?

In my personal situation at that age I was experimenting with inserting objects in the lower extremities. How normal is that for children of that age? I did research that topic off and on over the years and I found that most research I found didn’t include anything about children (biological boys) experimenting that way. As teenagers with puberty and related issues, further experimentation may include that area as well. Not sure what wording is allowed regarding this.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I'm so, so sorry. I understand it has all to do with your father and it's not normal at all. I'm so, so sorry.

@Helgafy

You have nothing to be sorry for.

I just reread my “interruption “ above and I kind of worded that in a way that could be interpreted as being rude. I apologize for that. I was truly curious if it was normal for that extent of experimentation at that age. I was also just adding that final detail that I didn’t think you were aware of.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

This may be hard for you to answer; you wrote:

 "I lost myself in the drink. Alcohol." Can I ask if you're getting help for that now if it (still) is a problem?

@Helgafy

I completely quit drinking 3 or 4 years ago, shortly before my complete breakdown. Been sober ever since

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Wow!!! That's so awesome! Congrats!

Sober! 

@Helgafy

Thank you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's not fair 🙁 you should be allowed to be whoever you are without any fear of judgement. I bet your a very beautiful lady and a very handsome prince ❤ how would you like me to address you?? My sweet prince/princess? Or just my angel?? You know my name I think🤔🤔 well i.I'm Lola😁 well actually ...

Princess Lola unicorn tiny smurf the third😎

Thank you, but the at the time when things began, society was in no way accepting of these things, (at least in this country). Now, (in this country) , it has become political folly which has intermixed into the volatility of everything else. It seems that there is so much pressure to pick a side and then suffer the wrath of the opposing side.

Add in my age and my issues I struggle with, I don’t have the strength to handle what is happening now, I definitely couldn’t handle trying to bring that part of me forward and public, the compounded fear of being another statistic in societies hatred and judgment plus being the victim of their prosecution. No way. Perhaps if I was in a country that it was mainly accepted and supported, it might have been a possibility.

ok stop rambling again.

addressing me as you have is fine, I don’t have a name for that hidden part of me. The only thing I ask is to be accepted completely, without judgement, which I believe you already have.

It means a lot to me that you shared your true name with me, but if you don’t mind I will continue to use Tinywhisper11. It would not be fair for me to address you with your true name and mine stays behind closed doors.

There are a lot of personal things I really want to share with you and the others. But those details could very easily identify me if someone from around me is here. I fear that judgement and wrath from society deep inside me.

plus I have a difficult enough time typing your username, I would never get anything written if I tried typing that complete true name. …..❤️❤️Hugs gently given to Princess Lola unicorn tiny smurf the third❤️❤️

So after reading that my friends, are you still truly with me?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami always and forever ❤❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤❤

I glanced back at that last bit of rambling and I don’t remember writing it. Not the first time that has happened, however that was a bit of information that maybe wasn’t suited for this area. I probably should’ve put that in with the lgbt community. I have tried to keep any writings regarding that part of me in the section it belongs. So if I offended anyone I am sorry.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami never be sorry for showing your true coulours ❤

I just noticed when I add to this section of writings, my latest ramblings, I of course tap reply and it pops up under the original segment. And those words are the epitome of all my writings. How much of my writings, of my life is just a repeat of prior days?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami you never repeat yourself, cause everything you write comes from your heart and mind, so your words are never repeated ❤ and if they are I still want to read it over agsin ❤

Most of the time at least since this latest fiasco with the back and leg pain, I try to not look back over any writings, at least when I am going to try and write from the mind. Not sure now how effective this actually is, it seems I am writing on repeat. What am I accomplishing with this.

I should just go back through and list out my thoughts and save a lot of time and effort. I could just number each different segment and just come here and say for example just put a number 1, 2, or 3 referencing the segment of the moment, I could keep a cheat sheet by the bed and it would make for simple reading.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami nah, don't do that. I want to hear the way your heart  and  mind feels about it at the time ❤

Right now I’m grasping on something between a 6 and a 3.

ok, that idea might not work out to well.

I am getting a lot of flashes of ?memories? right now.

I remember snippets of different times of me riding a bicycle, well, riding a bicycle in each snippet, but multiple different bicycles. So I suppose I might’ve liked that at one point in time, or it was my only means of transportation. Who knows.

I am now getting a memory of what must have been me in school. I can’t tell how old I was, but it seems that I was being prodded by others around me to pick on another person then, I am getting paid back for my stupidity by getting beat up by that person .

I am also getting images of me working in a fast food restaurant late at night, it seems like it was closing time. Leaving with other employees and going to their house and then going to school. . Also an image of me driving and delivering pizzas. It must be my car , because I’m then getting out of that car in school parking lot.

Another brief image is of me sleeping under abandoned train cars.

Why am I getting all these images apparently of me in my youth?