Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

For a year I listened to persons once a week on the phone. We learned to say if anyone said that they wanted to leave this world; "In what way are you planning to do it?" Well - well. One time I talked with a person - our talks should only last for about 30 min. He didn't want to live. After 4 hours talking he said: "Today you saved my life."

@Helgafy

That is exactly what I am trying to say needs to happen here , and maybe anywhere else that is not open to it.

@Helgafy

Here those conversations are not anything close to normal. I am sure there are those exceptions, I am glad that they exist. If that kind of open discussion was allowed here, I think that we might be in a better place than we are now.

Point of fact…. It is not illegal to discuss these details at least not that I am aware of. It is just not a topic that the medical profession is willing to discuss, explore, or listen to.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I agree with every word you just said. By hopefully teaching others from the darkness, and abyss that surrounds our body and mind. Then just maybe we can make a difference, make people think a little harder

I expect that eventually I will get shut down because I am even trying to discuss this issue and thinking this way regarding this issue.

This community consists of so many walks of life from around the globe. All came here for the same thing, support and understanding . All those who have stayed the course have found so much more here. A community that supports it’s own as unconditionally as possible considering we understand triggers, and many have experienced them , we educate each as best we can while struggling with our own issues on a daily basis.

Whole snd complete truths need to be allowed to be spoken and freely discussed with no fear of judgement or repercussions for what is said or believed. With complete compassion and trying not to misunderstand or rush to trying to find a solution or cure. Because there is no true cure for these things. These things do fall into “the human condition “ . I never thought I would ever believe anything actually could be categorized into that truthfully. But it fits, from my eyes, it truly fits.

I am having some vision problems at the moment. Those light spots and such in my line of sight. So by the time I come back I will probably have completely lost sight of this direction of thought. Maybe somebody someday will consider my thoughts viable and know how to grow this thing into something that is helpful.

One more thing entered into my thinking so before I take a break and lose it.

There is more and more everyday that I am not sure of, but this last bit of ramblings is something I believe in wholeheartedly. So when I say I hope someone can find this something that can help start a conversation that leads to change in how this topic is addressed and discussed please, please, please do so. I don’t know how this computer stuff really works, how translations work, but if that someone speaks another language, I hope the translation doesn’t take anything away from my true words and my meanings and true intentions behind my chosen words.

Trigger warning for talk of death

I have tried over my life span to be in charge of my life, but that has been proven a farce. My issues, the darkness has been in charge. I was steering but the darkness was controlling the rudder .

The darkest of thoughts are the supreme leader, the darkness the crew, me, well I am just the vessel that it presides in.

It has evolved and twisted and molded every experience and sightings, every thought, every breath I have taken has been at the mercy of the darkness.

The words I speak, are intertwined with the darkness.

This is a simple reality. I have no hopes of ever living in the light, however I am grateful and thankful for the blessed connections to those who do, in fact they are the light .

There will come a day that I will draw my last breath and there will be no one to come here in my name and let you blessed people know what happened. Whether natural causes or the darkness took me. It doesn’t matter in the end, I have suffered a lifetime of struggling with the darkness, decades adding up. I came here and was lucky enough to have many beautiful people reach out to me. Several that I can say are friends.

No matter how much they try to shine their light and instill their love and warmth on me, I unfortunately am too far gone, completely consumed in my darkness.

So when that final breath is drawn, one should think it would be combined with a giant sigh of relief.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I will sit with you in the darkness, holding your hand, until you take your last breath. Then finally you will walk into the light ❤❤

I am very ill, and cannot see straight, or focus much, so I'm gonna have to get off the computer. I will catch up on the rest of your writings as soon as I can ❤❤ I love you with all my ❤ your doing amazing, keep going my prince ❤

💕💕💕Gentle Hugs 💕💕💕. ❤️❤️❤️I love you ❤️❤️❤️

I'm very happy for your strong connection to Tiny and Twist here and also that you could shower.

@Helgafy

I am thankful for you and your kindness. I appreciate your bravery to read my writings.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Friend - Well - I don't feel brave - lol - But sometimes when I'm sad - in my thoughts I could go to the gr ave where Jesus Christ was laid and place myself beside him. So my imagination also walks to the "shadow of the vallay of the de ath."

@Helgafy

In those times of sadness, thinking of that place and laying down beside him, does that bring you some sense of peace and strength?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hm - I'm not so used to explain this - well maybe it's me making a picture from my thoughts - like artists do in painting - for sure I get better again - but for sure also I'm not in a very good place if I go to the gr ave (lol!!!).

I do understand that completely, I am in a near constant state of being in that state of mind, and I have been for nearly 50 years, I was wanting something very similar when I was around 5 years old. I have wanted that something ever since.

@Helgafy *hugs you gently* it's so nice to see you ❤️

Not that time matters right now but thank goodness my meds aren’t extremely time sensitive because I have a couple of wall clocks plus , stove and microwave have clocks, alarm clock as well, my point being I had set these clocks ahead a little bit to help to get me out the door for work. With my issues, motivation or lack of is a side problem.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I think alot of the issue with discussing it here is from a liability issue. They're worried if someone discusses it and then follows through after talking with someone here they could be sued? It's not a subject that bothers me tbh. I've been to that point a few times. I always figured it's better to talk about it than to hide those thoughts away. It's the mentality that it's a taboo subject that leads to shame. The fact that doctors are so quick to dump pills on a problem to try and fix it or they're quick to have you locked away - for your own safety of course. And alot of the time it's not really that we want life to end we just want the pain to stop. The physical pain and the mental pain and emotional pain - if it would stop and give a break. It's exhausting fighting the same battles every day. I think many people continue to fight because of hope. They fight in the hopes that one day things will be better. But hope is a slippery slope too. Because it can be so fragile at times

The fact that you're dealing with so much physical pain right now is feeding the darkness. Darkness likes when we suffer. Pain feeds depression and depression feeds pain. Add in pain meds often feeding the thoughts. It's a triple threat. So you need to - be aware. I wanted to say be careful but that sounds so stupid 

You're not alone Iam. When my time comes there won't be anyone coming here to share that news either. The only people I have are the ones here. That's actually kind of sad really but maybe that's just the way it is for some of us - idk

You know though it does matter. It matters to us here on your thread. You would be missed by me and Tiny and Aurora and Helgafy. We all do really care about you even though we might be oceans apart

@mytwistedsoul

I agree with you 100%. I don’t think full and open discussion of what I am referring to should ever take place in this type of environment, it should be a one one one discussion, in person or whatever the modern video call or whatever it is . In an environment where the two people communicating can see each other.

In my imaginary world liability in these types of situations wouldn’t even exist. Someone trying to help someone else in these circumstances shouldn’t be responsible for the decisions made by the other individual.

Yes, the real world, liability rules.

Everything I have written on this topic basically is all what exists in my imagination.

I am rambling again.

Once again I am in full agreement with you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're right it's shouldn't be the responsibility of anyone other than the person that made the decision to act on those thoughts. In this crazy world we're now in though they wouldn't see it that way

Ramble away my friend ❤️ if it helps then please ramble 

@mytwistedsoul I have people here at the care home, so I'm very lucky like that. But as friends go, well their all on here to. It's not sad, it's a good thing, a happy thing🙂 thank God this site exsists ❤ I love you all ❤

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️Gentle Hugs ❤️❤️

Maybe someday a bit of your positive outlook will rub off on me.

💕💕I love you💕💕

😴💤 Just woke up after another nap. As usual same dark thoughts. Went to the bathroom and then checked for arrival of the canes I ordered. As per usual, the pain has woken up and is angry.

Don’t get me wrong about the pain. The latest adjustment the doctor did with my pain medications has seen a definite decrease for a little bit anyway. I took the oxycodone at 12:15 PM so… 9 hours for the nerve and oxycodone combo medication and 3 hours for the oxycodone, up from nap and bingo, the alarm rang waking the angry giant. About 3 hours before next pills.

If I just am walking in the house after taking meds I can actually walk the distance of my house (which isn’t that big) several times with minimal pain, but once I twist or raise my arm up the pain slowly increases, if I lift anything more than a few ounces up the pain increases quickly.

Phone just actually notified me of arrival of the canes.

waddled out and brought them in . Sat on the edge of my bed, and with trembling hands due to the pain level now above the ten on the 1-10 scale, I unpackaged them and easily pit the top half onto the bottom and temporarily guessed the height adjustment . They are a walking and support cane, with four legs or feet, whatever you want to call them. I figured I would try them for going out to the mailbox and back.

Wheelchair is definitely too awkward and heavy for me right now to go out the door, down the steps and open back up, by that alone the pain would be excruciating,

The rollator walker is similar in issue too awkward for me to do the same simple task, the first part would aggravate the pain too bad too soon.

Will see with canes if that will help with anything. If not, for now I am out of ideas.

I have no idea as usual where my original direction was going here plus I can’t concentrate very well at the moment.

Throughout this latest ordeal, I have come to realize that even though I have struggled through a lot of long term pains in my life, periodically collapsing and not being able to get up for awhile (that I attribute to an old injury as a teenager, I got tagged by a bull when they kicked me with both rear hooves, 1 in each knee, actually just above. ) I didn’t go to the hospital for it. But over the years pain ranging from mild to severe would bother me in one or both knees, mainly in my left knee I believe. ) and periodically I get out of bed and collapse on the floor, sometimes able to get up, other times not so much, and the pain to drag across the floor is not worth it, just wait it out and eventually my body gives me permission to stand up again. The other pains are too many to rattle off at the moment, getting back to my original point, all those pain and aches are minor in comparison to this and the fact that I am getting used to this pain , even the pain that registers with the level of the satellites surrounding this planet. This fact of getting used to it is beyond scary. It always seems like once I get used to a certain pain a new one starts up, or an existing one cranks up a notch.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂😂 you got kicked by a bull!?!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I'm sorry that's not funny😂😂😂😂😂 I'm laughing with you, not at you😂😂😂😂😂 honestly😂😂😂😂

@Tinywhisper11 kicked by a bull 😂😂 haha!😂😂😂

I'm sorry one day I'll grow up😁😁😁😁

@Tinywhisper11

Don’t grow up, then you take a chance becoming like me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami. 🙂❤ don't worry I'll never grow up😁

@Tinywhisper11

I am sure the bull thought it was funny as well. I have been mauled by a bull as well. I was stepping over a sick cow at the neck are my face pointing towards her tail and she decided to stand up, and I received my first cow ride. When she was done, she actually lowered her head and let me get down. That would’ve been a good one for you to see on video.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww that sounds like a magical moment ❤ I would have loved to have seen it ❤❤ although cows are scary

Obviously my self blame has reared its ugly head again lately. That self blame rides with self hatred and self deprivation. When they come forward, they have the full support of my issues. Which all that combined with the darkest of thoughts, doesn’t fare well for me. When that combination is riding high, I am getting buried deeper beneath my baggage mountain. The thoughts of that path of escape are so vivid and the ease of changing direction and taking that path appear so easy and tempting that I am almost being pulled there.

After all these decades I still do not have even a clue how or why I am still breathing, even after I have given in and taken that path(numerous times) .

That temptation is one yhat is offered to me on a daily basis, several times a day.

Being trapped in this bedridden state has definitely increased the invitations that I receive.

I think that somehow remembering to come here has helped a lot actually. Not completely sure how. But that doesn’t matter right now. Actually now that I think about it , I have had brain flickers but definitely not as often as before, another unexplainable thing.

I’m pausing again for now.

The different depths of depression and despair can be an extreme roller coaster ride. One that never stops at the on/off ramp, it will stop when the car you’re riding in is upside down and no matter what level you are on you are still too far from solid ground to unbuckle. You are stuck reliving whatever thoughts are on that particular level. . I say reliving because myself, I have been on this ride for decades, so the thoughts and feelings that are experienced at every millimeter of that ride I have experienced thousands if not millions of times throughout my lifetime. With that amount of time stuck on this ride, one would expect that I have noticed any and all wear points that might lead to an escape from this ride. Just the opposite. I have given up on ever getting off. I just close my eyes and let the ride run it’s course..

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Everytime we remember a memory if it's done in a negative way then we'll end up remembering things way worse each time. And in the end we'll end up with the darkest of memories. The rollercoaster you talk about, I guess we don't get to step off it cause maybe that's just life and all we can do is try to make sense of the ups and downs in a positive light cause letting the negative go on doesn't result in anything but just more pain. Positive thoughts are a lot of work but they do hold much power. Settling down with the negative thinking as some sort of punishment is not something that the you who is fighting so bravely deserve<3

@BlueDarkAurora

Once again you word things so eloquently. Thank you

It would be nice if the tracks of my coaster ride would have some happiness and positivity points.

Thank you for your kindness

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Thank you for saying that ^^ I hope your ride gets smoother so that you can enjoy the scenery. 

@Tinywhisper11

I hope this finds you feeling better ❤️❤️❤️Hugs ❤️❤️❤️

you are in my thoughts 💕💕I Love You 💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm not getting much better🙁 now the coughing is causing troubles with my spine🙁 I'm in a lot of pain

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️I wish I could be there with you to let you feel my presence and love through my gentle touch ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️