Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Hopes and dreams are not things that are in my wheelhouse.
once in awhile I have a brief moment of fantasy like having my friends here actually with me in the real world where able to truly feel the warmth of their embrace when I could finally feel the feeling of a true hug.
Then it dawns on me that will never happen. And to get back to reality where extreme loneliness reigns supreme.
Why must everything that happens relating to me turn to worthless nothingness? I am so tired I can’t go to sleep but I can’t keep my eyes open.
The struggles I face are the same struggles thousands of people that have previously experienced or are currently experiencing. I am sure that many different combinations of these issues have been on peoples plates as well. But why am I the one to have this laundry list of issues that never get resolved or fixed. They just keep adding on and intertwining with each other. I don’t think that twisted is the magnet or I am a different kind of magnet because I attract all of this stuff and none of it seems to leave.
Is it a good thing or a bad thing that I don’t remember so much of my past , and whatever I do remember I don’t trust my brain to have the facts correct. And in the correct order.
This latest combo of meds is the first ones that I remember actually having an effect on me. . Definitely is easing the back and leg pain. Definitely makes me a little loopy . But even though it’s messing with my system, I still wake up after goofy dream/nightmare. . Not that it was supposed to be for that . I was just kind of thinking that it might help that a little as a bonus maybe.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami to want friends near you to help you, is normal, especially cause your struggling so bad 🙁 and if I could I would be there with you right now ❤ what me and soul sees in you that you don't see, is a good person, who keeps trying despite everything ❤ we've all been there in little patches, and we understand how bad it feels, and how hard everything can be. We don't struggle like you constantly, but we understand to a certain extent, and we want to be there for you, cause we love you ❤ I'll be right back ❤
Autocorrect is bad enough but add to that trying to write here with head being a little loopy and not catching all of those autocorrections.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂 yep I understand that, I've had to learn to type with my middle finger, it's not easy, I make so many spelling mistakes😁 but because I type with my middle finger 😁 I'm secretly flipping you all of as I type😂😂😂
you do better with the middle one better than I do with any of mine.❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂
I was able to convince a coworker to pick up a grocery order Monday evening. I sent them a copy of the order so they weren’t surprised when it was brought out to them. Tried stocking up on the quick microwave and simple oven heat up meals. For one person the bill was outrageous. $900 a few years ago it would have been a third of that. I know prices have been high for awhile. I normally don’t buy the amount of items I did .
@Iamwhoiamwhoami That's great! Hope the doctors and you can figure out a way to get a helper too.
@BluDarkAurora
So do I but that will be about 4 weeks yet.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami it sure is frustrating<3
Please know that the time it is taking doesn't mean that you or your issues matter any less. I know you're trying, we all do and feel so proud of you for that!
@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh yaaay! That's great ❤ not the prive, but asking for help and getting food, that's a huge relief. I've wanted to ask you if your eating for the past few days now. But I didn't want to sound like I was nagging😁❤ so that's made me really happy ❤
you know the Beatles song 'help ' that reminds me of you, it's ok to ask for help, especially know when you need it most ❤
@Tinywhisper11 you know there are many people out there that just don't do the basics like you mentioned in a previous message, alone their minds can't bring them to get out of bed, or wash or get dressed. So if you think about it you did that for all theese years, you managed to do things some would never have been able to. So yes you are a very strong person. But now with all the pain your in I wish you had someone to help you with all that. I can't shower myself, or get dressed, in and out of bed myself, cook. There's so much I have to rely on other people for. It is embarrassing, but just something I can't do alone. Hopefully they will be able to fix you up, so you won't have to have someone help you with all that ❤❤
it is meant to be that my mobility will be limited or minimized and need to rely on others for the basics , so be it. I am not saying that it will be easy for me because it won’t be. If I had someone here right now to help me I would be thankful for that, I also would probably be crabby and cranky. But I would be thankful because I know I can’t do it on my own.❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I really do wish you had someone to help. I can't believe that your doctor hasn't sorted help out for you🙁
Maybe that is something that is addressed with surgeon? Maybe that will be addressed then with insurance?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I really hope so ❤
@Tinywhisper11
With my memory issues along with everything else. I don’t consider questions like that anything close to nagging. Especially coming from a friend.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami thankyou ❤ so now I have your permission to nag you😁
I know you don't like taking meds, but probably best not to focus on the addiction part right now, like you said, you need them right now. So just focus on having to take them.🙂❤ it could take a little while for the loopiness to go, side effects suck 🙁
And not remembering your past is a blessing and a curse🙁 sorry you have to deal with that🙁 gives you a giant hug ❤❤
my thoughts are really foggy right now so I’m going to rest for a bit then come back and try again. Thank you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
@Iamwhoiamwhoami "come back and try again" Love that ^^ Hope you get some good rest.
Still foggy, but this is the only distraction I have.
Even if it’s just staring at this white screen while I try to grasp a thought to write.
Probably should try and take a shower tomorrow morning. Not bathing regularly is just not me , well I guess now it is me. I’m not the au naturel type, I am the regular, daily bathing type. .
Maybe I will finally get to clean a little more thoroughly before I am denied completion by the pain.
Much longer I might have to see about getting the fire department to blast me down with their tanker truck hose.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami just start a small controlled fire in your bedroom and give them a call, they'll probably be happy to help😂😂😂
It’s the simple things that are the most annoying I need a pedicure… I need my nails clipped, they are splitting from rubbing on the blanket/comforter I can’t trim them, yes, due to the pain. Should be fine as long I don’t get a hangnail.
I know I whine and cry and bellyache a lot. But I know from a lifetime of bottling everything up deep inside that compressing everything and trapping it only leads to an uncontrollable release. Where as doing this, writing it all down, everything that goes through my head, at least those thoughts I can grasp fo a second or two. This writing is the pressure relief valve. Keeping everything from boiling over. It’s the only way I know of to keep things from catastrophic failure.
I am thankful to the brave few who keep coming back and reading my writings and supporting me through all of this. I am quite sure that if my writings would have went unnoticed I probably wouldn’t be breathing right now.
