Ramblings 3

Being trapped alone with my thoughts with this place as my only outlet.

What has it been? Six weeks? I am definitely not doing very well. I was not doing very well before this , but losing my mobility and the other things that are accruing since that time is amounts to a major loss in regards to keeping things on the path.

My continual mentioning my loss of mobility is a fact that plays into trying to understand me . I feel ashamed for my referencing this at all due to the multitude of people like Tinywhisper who have lost mobility and are fighting daily to keep going themselves. I can’t speak for them or even remotely understand what they go through on a daily basis.

I can only speak for myself, and my situation as it relates to my personal situation.

Six weeks of being forced by my pain into bed. Not being able to bathe in that time frame. A few minutes under the water in the shower , maybe a total of three or four times since working last. Most of that time is in extreme pain.

just the act of sitting on the toilet creates massive pain.

The issues I struggled with before this have increased their levels during this time as well. How could anyone expect them not to increase. Completely alone, there’s this community, which one would think I am not completely alone. I have been lucky enough to have a few friends here. Only one that I talk to regularly, she reads my writings and continues to support me as much as she can. I think our friendship is continually growing ,there’s a lot more to learn about each other and my state of mind keeps me from being there for her as much as she is for me. She has her own struggles and our time zones are different so that puts sleep time different as well. But even if they were the same, reality is that she’s got a lot to deal with herself and she has a lot of friends here to talk to .

I am thankful for having her in my life. The bulk of my time is spent alone with my issues and thoughts. . But six weeks of alone time with I am sure months of that in the near future. I don’t know what possibility I have of making it through it on my own.

okay, now my glasses have broken. My last pair. I can’t sit through an eye exam. So I suppose I’ll have to try and tape them together and maybe that will work for awhile.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami good morning ❤❤ I'm glad you got back into the mindset of writting here again 🙂❤ you and me are very different, so you don't need to feel bad about your writtings, you never have to compare yourself with anyone else ❤ your mind is all you've had for a while, now with your mobility gone, it's the only thing left to get you through. So yeah, honey your mental health problems are really gonna get a bit worse. Your at your all time low right now, but something in your brain, hasn't quite given up on hope yet, I'm so proud of you for staying strong and keeping going through all this ❤ you truly are amazing ❤

@Tinywhisper11

💕💕Hugs💕💕. ❤️❤️I Love You ❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami so that vacuum that sucks in everything in your mind. Is kinda like a black hole. But I learned the other day that inside  a black hole, is a beautiful array of coulours that shines bright🙂❤ so perhaps your stuck between the dark and the light right now. I will happily sit beside you in the dark, for as long as it takes ❤

you know I believe we all have a purpose a reason. I also think that some of us out reason is to suffer, so I'm the end we can inspire and change others lives. Like you and me ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami but whatever happens we are here together ❤ we will see each other through ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you more ❤🙂

@Iamwhoiamwhoami now go to bed, it's late for you!!!!!

I'm not bossy😏

@Tinywhisper11

Already there. ❤️💕Hugs ❤️💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami tucks you into bed ❤ kisses your forehead, goodnight angel ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

Good night. 💕Love you too 💕

@Tinywhisper11

Had you not come into my life, I have a feeling that I would be in a worse place than I am now. You’re my Angel. There are many more that have their wings as well. They are also angels who have reached out. @Mytwistedsoul and @DarkBlueAurors and @Helgafy are also my angels. There are several more but unfortunately I can’t remember their names.

However you have managed to reach out and somehow reached into my darkness. Into my darkest of thoughts. You have intertwined with my thoughts. I don’t know how, It doesn’t matter how. I will never understand why. You definitely don’t have an easy life. Your struggles are overwhelming. You continue to push through it all. None of it can be easy. With all that you spread your love and kindness all over. For whatever reasons you have continued to read my writings and all its negative thoughts and feelings. You keep coming back to my little corner and shine your warmth into the depths of my cold darkness. I am forever thankful and grateful for your love and friendship. 💕💕💕I Love You….Hugs 💕💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

How wonderful you're writing about Tiny. Excellent!

And you…and several others. You all are angels in my life. I miss your writings. I backed away because you had wonderful conversations with several others.All of you spreading positivity, while I am only negative. So I chose to stay in the corner and listen to your conversations envying everyone’s ability to have those conversations regularly. Then one day …poof….you all were gone.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Friend - I understood the fine writing was also for me. I think I have to tell; I keep in contact with the persons for a while - and so there will be some others to write to. You're a wonderful human being. Maybe you want to listen to Dan Vasc "O holy night"? (LOL - not Christmastime yet!) I just found him on YouTube. He's like healing power to my soul - I can understand music is also used in therapy. 

@Helgafy

the above writing is for you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Friend - I'm sorry - maybe I have hurted you by not being on your thread any more. Beneath I have written a bit of my story. I have to choose my battles and I'm sorry because of that. And yes - we people hurt each other with not being what other persons expect. And yes - I'm a sinner - but that is OK for me because in the eyes of God I'm good enough because of Calvary. That's my hope, that's my wisdom for my everyday life.

I have been sick for many years - ME (Myalgic encephalomyelitis/CFS-chronic fatigue syndrome). I also have in between depression. Because of that sickness I have to be in bed or at the couch in my living room - watching TV. I have not been walking around outside my flat for 2 years now. So because of this sickness there is a lot of sorrow in my life (cannot do this - cannot do that). Often I just lie in my bed thinking - well I can breathe. Sometimes I have asked the Lord to take me home (to heaven). Sometimes I also think; Am I alive tomorrow?
I'm aware of the "now". I thank Jesus Christ when I can give water to a flower in my home. I thank him when I can walk on my feet to another room - because I know what the opposite would be - not being able to walk to that room. 

@Helgafy

Thank you for sharing that information about yourself. I don’t think I knew that about you before. I knew you by your beautiful writings on the thread I started and then you and a few others turned my negative writings into wonderful place of positivity and togetherness, it was something that I didn’t want to ruin or lose. I am thankful for that brief but beautiful place of love and kindness and inspiration that you and the others created in my little corner at the opening of my darkness I call home. Thank you Angel , Thank you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Friend - you're always welcomed to live in the light of our heavenly Father in joy and love.

@Helgafy hi Helga ❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ I hope your doing ok, with your health??

@Tinywhisper11

Friend - I wrote some words above to "Iam" - you can read. I'm not depressed these days which is good. But my energy is weaker. I honor God with my thanks for what I can do - eating a chocolate etc. As I wrote to Iam above I'm only able to stay in contact with very few persons online. I wish you all the best Tiny (and as you already know - as I have told you before - I want that some day you'll accept Jesus Christ as your saviour. But we have written before about your former days and the terrible teaching you got about this wonderful, holy person). So long!

@Helgafy ❤❤❤

How can people that I have never actually seen or met believe in me and yet I do not believe in me.

I want to give in and give up completely, that is what has played on repeat for so many years. But something, I don’t know what or why, something is holding that last string, that something keeps reinforcing that string so that I can’t break it. As much as I try . It must be reinforced with something not known to humankind.

This mess won’t let me sleep. Constantly thinking about how worthless I have become. .

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I believe in you, all your friends do ❤ and why cause we are holding your light, your hope until maybe oneday, you'll be ready to have it back🙂❤ but if your never ready then  don't worry I got you ❤ that thread that keeps you hanging on is strength and hope. I love you so so much, and I pray for you everyday. I will never give up on you, even if you already have. I'm here for you, always ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami That's tough, all the negative thoughts come rushing with the greatest of force right before sleep @_@ Somethings that help me when this happens is to tackle them back with reasons, I know you counter your self blame with reasons and that helps you. Counting something positive that happened that day helps too, like for me watching a pretty cloud counts as positive too as it gives me pause of appreciation even if just for a second.

Our worth can be defined by a lot of things if we keep the defination external but the true one is internal. You've fought all that life has thrown at you, you've survived all through this time and still managed to keep your gratitude and kindness alive and that makes you very worthy. 

@BlueDarkAurora

Right now my mind is back to a racetrack/ demolition derby of thoughts bouncing around and I am somewhat understanding what you are saying but far from comprehending it.

I will try and remember to come back and reread it again later. So for now I’m only going to say is

Thank you for being a friend to me, is it alright to say that? Thank you for your kindness and support. Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yes ^-^ and this is one other positive quality of you that you are so willing to understand what others come here and say to you, you're willing to take it and let it help you in anyway it can and still being appreciative of the words even if they don't make sense now. That's great as well :) 

Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami the message you write me ❤ telling me you love me, and using heart emojis😁 it brings a tear to my eye. But don't worry happy tears ❤ I'm just glad I get to be a part of your life, even if it's just here at cups. We both have no family, but your my chosen family ❤ and chosen family, the bond never leaves, I will never leave you ❤

how are you feeling today?? I know you had a bad week, and it's made you sick. But are you feeling even a teeny bit better??

@Tinywhisper11

I am still at the lowest of lows, still not feeling very well.

❤️❤️Hugs❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm very tired and week. So I'm gonna go to bed now ❤ I still feeling like crap! Stupid pneumonia. But don't worry about me, cause I'm definitely getting better slowly ❤❤ good night angel ❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

💕💕I Love You Too💕💕

@BlueDarkAurora

I do recognize positivity in others and in the love and kindness that you all share with others. I just fail to see it in me . I only see darkness. In everything I do I see darkness. I don’t like it but that is the way it is and has been. I see the selflessness of many of you in your reaching out with the warmth of your angelic light towards those of us in need. I’m lucky enough to be a part of this community. Ok I am rambling again, my apologies.

Maybe someday I will see in me what you do.

Thank you and I am always open and welcoming of your thoughts and kindness.

I so want everyone’s warm bright light to shine on me and my darkness and push this darkness away forever and bring me into the light. Unfortunately I don’t see that happening.

Is it possible to be emancipated from the darkest places of the darkness to then be emancipated from the darkness?

Living in the darkness with the darkest of thoughts plaguing my mind. It is my day to day place. That doesn’t mean that I am comfortable with my circumstances

I think due to the darkest of places that I am at . I am going to try and stay away from writing tonight.

I suppose I should at least leave a legitimate explanation for those few that may or may not show up here. .

With where I am at I will continue the self deprecation over and over and over again. I have done that enough here in multiple?threads? . Not sure of proper terminology. So I will avoid providing more of my self deprecating thoughts to my writings.