Ramblings 3

I omitted a little bit in a segment above.

when I see the sunrise I feel a sense of despair at having to go through another day in the darkness, when I see the sun sets I feel empty having another day gone in the darkness.

I am laying here after my latest nap still with sleep in my eyes, afraid to twist or move my back in any way because I currently am not registering pain above a 1. ….. however my leg is in an uncomfortable position.

Straightened leg out and rolled onto my side and for a few minutes only felt discomfort in my leg, now I’m getting periodic faint shooting pain barely registering back pain is faint .like I said I classify this as a 1. For now some relief from the pain. I am honestly fearful of moving and disrupting that relief from the extreme discomfort and pain . So my descriptive words are thankful, grateful and fearful

Still faint pain, took morning meds Hoping everything is ok with Tiny didn’t hear from her last night.

Spoiled the minimum pain moment. Got up went to the bathroom and it made sure to remind me that it was still there and still going strong.

Even though it possibly is fleeting I am grateful for the little reprieve from the extreme pain and discomfort.

I am disappointed with myself for being so far gone mentally , physically and emotionally. I read what so many others go through and envy the strength and courage they possess. I know they experience similar feelings that I do . I lack the positive roots to mix in. I also know we all handle things differently, we all experience things differently, and our minds and bodies react differently. However I believe that there are certain ingredients needed in our core being in order to make it through life. I don’t think anyone goes through life unscathed, Just that some hide it better than others. The fear of talking about anything for fear of judgement or worse, that the judgement that is made creates individuals that feel they are justified in carrying out sentencing on their own . There are things that are at the core of me that I don’t discuss here very often for fear of that type of behavior.

Some of those things don’t really matter because it is too late in my life to do anything about those things. Also because I think that this latest physical issue has changed something involving my path, my journey. Something deep inside me is telling me that this may very well have shortened my journey.

I apologize to all who struggle day to day and fight their own demons regularly. I am not as strong as you all are.

I have been told many times over the past several decades that a purpose and or a reason is helpful if not necessary in order to overcome these issues. However I have no purpose or reason. I only see myself as I am .

I see a person who has no positive no purpose or reason for anything

That sense of purpose is something I truly lack. I always have lacked that. When I have only ever felt pain and misery. I feel gratitude. But true emotions I lack. I see the positive the neutral and the negative that happens around me. However I don’t relate to any of it. My negativity seems to be of a different breed, it won’t interact with anyone else’s negativity. It maintains its own identity.

I’m still unsure of my future, I am unsure of my present. Heck, I’m unsure of my past. How can I hold onto anything when all I have is doubt

Trigger warnings for multiple things suicidal thoughts and related, violence

It gets old having thoughts like these day after day, year after year. It gets old having the same internal battles day after day, year after year.

How can one not be beaten down.

to repeatedly be berated and harassed by my own mind. Multiple times a day. Thousands of times a year . Multiplied by decades. How can I not be beaten down. Actually at some point I was down and my mind kept going and beating me while I was down. How can I not believe what my mind was saying with every single blow.

How can I expect to be anything but what I am after all this time. Multiple anxieties, severe depression, too many pains to count. Insecurity off the charts. Lack of positivity rooted in negativity. Somehow still breathing.

Tried a shower, big mistake, Pain said very loudly “I’m back “ with a vicious overtone .

I don’t understand anything anymore. I don’t know what direction things are headed from one moment to the next.

This continual state of limbo is not a comfortable place for me, especially with my state of mind

What do I have to do to appease whoever is pulling the strings of my life in order to stop all this?

I have suffered enough, I don’t have the strength for any of this.

continually berating me to no end. I don’t understand. I can’t grasp why this unseen foe is so enthralled with ensuring my misery.

It’s amazing how intense these thoughts are . After all these years they increase intensity and I get weaker almost like it feeds off my expelled energy.

@Tinywhisper11

💕💕💕Sending you HUGS and LOVE 💕💕💕

The things that race and bounce around in my head must’ve either crashed or temporarily ran out of fuel. My mind is scarily quiet

On top of everything else, my mind goes deathly quiet…my mind has raced forever.

The quiet is nice . I just feel like anything that eases up or changes is a definite sign of something else is going to go bad.

I definitely don’t do well with change, small things are really difficult. Now I am facing way too big of changes and way too many of them all coming back to back.

@Tinywhisper11

Are you ok? I am really worried about you…

💕💕💕I Love You 💕💕💕Hugs 💕💕💕

@Timywhisper11

I fear that something is very wrong., I truly hope you are ok. I hope that it is not my fault, I always mess up anything positive in my life. You are extremely important to me . You are very wonderful and beautiful person. I am lost without you.

I have a feeling reading my pure negative dark thoughts has somehow hurt Tiny causing her to disappear.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami No I can't see that. I sort of remember seeing somewhere that she hasn't been feeling well lately - a cold or a flu bug. She'll return as soon as she can - she just has to rest up a bit ❤️

I hope you are right and you probably are. Just my self blame thing kicking in. ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami souls right ^-^ I'm sure she's got you in her thoughts just as you've got her in yours. 

I hope so. I just have this feeling something is wrong. But I am all screwed up and nothing is as it should with me so I suppose it is just me being me. Sorry, I should’ve said thank you not rambling my self depreciation.

Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami It's alright ^^ Sometimes it helps to not give the self blame or the negative thoughts so much importance. Even if you can't feel it, it's worth trying to persist and hold on to the positive or the neutral ones. Not everything has to be a fault of yours<3 Give yourself permission to take off the weight of all the blame, allow yourself some compassion. 

I understand and agree with your saying. But those things, self blame and negative thoughts are interlaced in my core.

I try to not blame myself and I think since coming here and really writing a lot, I haven’t blamed myself as much. I look at the facts that I know and then try and decide that. In this case most of the facts point towards me. So, backing off writing is the only logical choice.

Thank you for everything,

I think it’s a good idea for me to put my writings on hold. I think that would be for the best.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami It's ok to ramble. You can rant and rave. It's really ok Iam. If writing here helps in anyway - even if it's just to pass the time than please - write

Tiny is such a bright and caring person. She gives so much of herself to alot of people. The only problem with that is sometimes your batteries need to recharge. Like that saying so many use here - you can't pour from an empty cup ❤️

Everyone has been kind enough to let me ramble here. Doing so I believe helps dull the edge a little. However I think Tiny might have been triggered by helping me through an extremely difficult situation that was similar to something that she may have experienced. I should have just stayed quiet and suffered in silence. She is an angel with a heart of gold. More strength than most people to have gone through what she has and continues to go through and bring and spread so much love, kindness, support, and joy to so many here.

She chose to do so with me . I am and will always be grateful to her. However, I should have stopped a long time ago because I knew the darkness I live in was a place for nobody else to be exposed to, especially someone as special as her. So, regardless of the fact she willingly and knowingly (truly not knowing the true depths of the darkness) explored my writings. Does not take any guilt away from me.

So , I think that I should at the very minimum, avoid writing here for awhile. It is probably the wrong decision considering that is the only kind of decisions I make. But for know I need to process the guilt I feel, along with everything else.

Thank you everyone for your kindness and support.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm in hospital I've been here for a couple of days, I think. I'll catch up when I get to go home, please be safe. I  love you ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11 feel better soon 💜❤️

@Tinywhisper11 you're so missed<3 ^-^ Hope you feel better soon.

@Tinywhisper11

I hope you get better soon. 💕💕💕I love you💕💕💕

@Tinywhisper11. Get well soon ❤️.

@Tinywhisper

💕💕💕Hugs💕💕💕

@Tinywhisper11

@Tinywhisper11

💕💕💕Hugs💕💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww thanks everyone ❤❤ I just got back from hospital, I'm glad to be back home🙂 I'm not very well though still🙁

how have you been?? Did the walker help at all?? When is your appointment with your surgoun?? I'll try to be a bit more active on here, keep checking to make sure your ok ❤❤ gives you a giant hugggg, I've missed you ❤

So wonderful to hear from you. My issues matter. Focus on whatever you need to do to get well.

💕💕💕Hugs , I Love You 💕💕💕