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Iamwhoiamwhoami
2 41,172 M Crossing Mileposts 2
Completely overwhelmed, all my issues are on max, my physical issues plus my severe depression draining the little strength I have
PathStep 729 Compassion hearts8,799 Forum posts7,264 Forum upvotes8,823 Current upvotes8,823 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 30, 2020
Bio

I am here because of a lifetime of struggles with a long list of issues. Severe depression, social anxiety, self isolation, childhood trauma, just to name a few. The latest is my health failing along with my brain shutting off and on more and more often, I have not been kind to my body over my lifetime, a lot of broken bones, smashed bones, deep cuts shallow cuts , too many knocks to my head to count(the last major ones left a fairly large dent. Which is a contributing factor in my brain going dark) I have sacrificed my body to stupidity as a youth and to my work . My only hope is that I can get to a point of complete acceptance of myself before my brain completely shuts off and I can’t refocus. I am trying to accomplish that here among this great community of people. The way that I know to do this is by posting as my thoughts guide me and if I get responses great if not that is fine too. Writing this stuff down and then using that stuff to help me refocus on who what why when and where of things.

I try to respond to those who reach out with at least a thank you. I do appreciate everyone here and am grateful and thankful for the responses I get, knowing others are reading what I wrote and take a little time to reach out is helpful and makes me feel like I am not alone in this. Thank you everyone for letting me be a part of this wonderful community.

I have been really struggling to respond to those who reach out, for that I apologize. I am thankful and grateful to all. 






Recent forum posts
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Possible pill addiction , please help (for myself)
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 September 14th
...See more I have been taking oxycodone for severe pain for what will be a month, coming up shortly. I have been late on doses and experienced what I read was withdrawal symptoms. Due to legalities I will have to wait another month to get a refill. I will only have a couple of pills left following the 19th which is a surgeon appointment approximately two hours away and due to pain I will actually be doubling my dose by doctors recommendation, for the trip. I previously quit a very heavy alcohol addiction and tobacco addiction with extremely minimal withdrawal. I have never had a pill addiction and what I have seen of others and the wondrous internet and news stories, they really scare me of what I may be up against on top of my issues already. Any suggestions or help ideas?
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Early signs of oxy addiction ??
Addiction Support / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 September 1st
...See more I am on a couple different pain meds both highly addictive. I woke up this morning with a slightly nauseated, sick to my stomach feeling and an intense feeling of dread and fear. I am an alcoholic, sober for several years, but quitting I did not experience anything like this. I am wondering if this feeling I woke up with might have something to do with the meds and possible withdrawal I was way past due for the oxy . Is this something I have to look forward to? Thank you.
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Asking for input/advice
50 & Over Community / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 July 24th
...See more This latest leg pain and back is still severe pain but it seems to be taking a lot longer to get the pain to ease . The pain is lasting longer at high intensity. My doctor recommended ER visit yesterday when I updated on my condition. At the time it wasn’t any worse than what I described in the visit. I don’t think that they really understood the severity of the pain and the crippling effects, mainly because for whatever reason my pain wasn’t more than about a five until the x-rays. Then the pain level began to climb dramatically . The closest ER I have a big distrust of . My experience with them leads me to believe that they would read my doctors notes and probably prescribe pain medication and send me out the door and back to my doctor. I despise medications , the majority of them have never helped me and I just don’t like pills. I am requesting input on this, I don’t trust my decision making, I also have the other issue of nobody in my support side. So getting released could be an issue being over 25 miles from home. What should I do?
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Giving up years of sobriety (alcohol)
Addiction Support / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 July 28th
...See more I am currently yearning for the numbness of alcohol. Sober over 4 years. My mental and physical struggles have taken their toll and tomorrow morning I am planning on picking up a variety of alcohol after I go to the doctors. I know I am done on all fronts if I do but I don’t care. I’ve been beaten down this year nonstop.
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Alcohol sobriety
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 August 10th
...See more I am currently roughly between 4-5 years sober. I drank like a fish most of my life. The history doesn’t matter. I quit when I had my complete breakdown. Haven’t missed it until now. I won’t go into those details here, I journal almost all of my history past and present in the fifty plus side of things. I am dealing with more than I can handle and I am beyond tempted to swing by the store in the morning after the doctors office and pick up a bunch of alcohol, beer, wine, whiskey, coolers, a variety to see what I could handle to start a binge. I didn’t ask for help with quitting alcohol or tobacco. I have stayed away from this group because I wasn’t struggling with the addiction. I was very satisfied not drinking. I have too many things I struggle with but now I have gotten to the level of losing control of not wanting it to severely/desperately wanting to drink to the point of blackout, which I am probably a light weight now. I know if I follow through with doing this , I am probably done on all fronts.
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Lifelong issues spanning over 45 years
Depression Support / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 July 19th
...See more TW for a lot of reasons. Including suicide and childhood trauma/abuse. I don’t normally post here, I stay in my comfort zone in the 50 plus area. I’m at the point that I am struggling with the basics that I have somehow managed to fake my way through most of my life. Suicidal ideation is still a prominent thing, along with a lot of other issues. That plays like background music in my mind, almost constantly. Along with all the aches and pains throughout my body, my brain going on the fritz, social anxiety, the brain when it is working racing thoughts round and round at such speed grasping at them is a near impossible task, then there is the 45 plus years of severe depression. Sexually abused as a very young child by the sperm donor of a father, who also seemed to enjoy slapping the back of my head and my crotch with not loving force. I have seen psychiatrists etc., throughout my life. I have a yon of writings regarding this and pretty much a detailed history of my life. What I write here is probably a repeat of some of that. I have experienced trauma on the receiving end and witnessing trauma. I also frequently wonder if the lifestyle I lead isn’t its own form of self trauma. I hide from the world yet up until recently I have been able to force myself into “the shell “ of the fake me so I could go to work and struggle to pretend that I am ok. Now, I am struggling with pretty much everything with surviving. I am struggling with pretending that I care about anything, I really don’t. It would not take much for me to not go to work at all, and stay curled up in bed 24/7. I already am there full time in my off time. Focus is fading. I’m done writing for now.
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Ramblings 3
50 & Over Community / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 6 hours ago
...See more Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
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Navigation issues,
50 & Over Community / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 May 22nd, 2023
...See more Site changed again and I can’t find my writings, or haven’t I written anything here? Should I just take this as a sign to stop coming here. Maybe my brain has finally gone off the deep end.
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