Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami thankyou ❤ but your issues do matter ❤ ❤ we are friends and we can get through anything together ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

They do but they don’t, your recent hospitalization takes priority. My issues are not going anywhere. The rate they’re accumulating, there will be plenty to discuss when you’re feeling better.

Besides, I’m taking a break from my writing for a bit.

💕💕💕Hugs💕💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok take a break, but keep checking in. Or I'll worry about you ❤❤ I love you ❤

❤️I Love You Too❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami um... I'm  a bit shocked😮 I can't believe you just said that. I'm actually crying now. Thankyou so much ❤ hugs you tightly ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm just trying to catch up, ice for so many messages😕

Are your meds working any better now?? Do you still get the high feeling?? Have you been eating ok??? What about shower'ing any progress with anything at all??

No progress on any front.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami damn! 🙁 sorry sweetie. Why are you taking a break from writting??? Is there any reason?? Cause, remember we all love you here, and wanna be there for you ❤ so don't suffer silently ok?

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️Hugs❤️❤️

I just think it’s a good idea for a little while.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok but just know I'll be here always ❤❤❤ squeezes you tightly ❤❤ I love you ❤ 

@Tinywhisper11

💕 I Love You Too 💕

@Tinywhisper11

With everything I am struggling with there is something that is really causing me anxiety and distress. .

It is very important for me to be honest about everything. I have lied about this decision regarding my writing here. Maybe it’s lie by omission thing, I don’t know for sure and I’m not going back and reading to be sure.

I am sorry for not being completely honest with you.

The truth is I am not writing because I feel really guilty for your hospitalization. I think it is my fault, Your reading my negativity, especially when you were so selflessly helping me through my little ordeal the other night. I believe that my words triggered you and caused your hospitalization.

I hurt you, yes unintentionally, but I hurt you. I am forever sorry that I did. I have been struggling with that since that happened. That is why I’m taking a break from my writing temporarily, for now. Possibly longer.

My permanent and complete negativity has hurt someone who is so special and beautiful and kind .

I didn’t want to tell you why , especially now that you just got out. But you deserve the truth.

Thank you for being you ❤️💕💕💕I love you💕💕💕❤️

@Tinywhisper11

I am so sorry for causing you pain.

💕💕Hugs💕💕

@Tinywhisper11

😭😭😭😭😭😞😞😞😭😭😭😭😭

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hey! What's wrong are you ok??

@Tinywhisper11 I'm sorry I've spent a lot of yesterday sleeping. Is it your pain levels??

@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh ok ❤ I just read it all ❤❤ hugs you tightly, your not to blame for me getting ill, and you don't ever need to think your at fault for hurting me. I wouldn't read your messages of I didn't care, or want to be here with you ❤❤ I love you friend ❤❤

my immune system is practically non existent. I get ill alot, I have pneumonia. Now you can't be to blame for that. I'm sorry I made you feel that way, but I'm so glad you told me🙂 remember together we can get through anything ❤ hugs you really tightly ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11 now when I come on here nexy, I will be expecting you to have written here. I want lots of messages from you. Ok mister????

@Tinywhisper11 Feel better<3 I have you in my thoughts in a fort with so much ice creams <3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami where are you?? Are you ok???

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hey ^^ this is your space and we all come here willingly. You're not going out of your way to post your thoughts for people to read, you have this corner here for yourself and you're posting things here so you're not bothering anyone. Please keep your space active with your thoughts cause as you've said, it helps to write it down. 

@BlueDarkAurora yes please do 🙁❤ we are all in this together ❤❤ I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11 I hope both you get to clear any misunderstandings<3 You're both such good friends and friends be there for one another so there's nothing to feel guilty about or blame yourself for. 

Tiny, you're a sweet person with a heart of gold, feel better soon okay *-* <3 You have to :)

@BlueDarkAurora thanks Aurora ❤❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami your username reminds me of the song that goes like 'I am what ever you say I am, if I wasn't then why would I say I am" 

@Tinywhisper11

You have no blame in this. The timing of your getting ill is what plays in my mind. Just after you helping me through that ordeal and then you got ill. This finding friends online and not ever going to be in person. It is my mind that interprets things like this and adds it to the self blame list.

As far as my mind goes I’m to blame for anything that goes wrong in my life. I know that isn’t true but those thoughts get overrun by all the negativity racing in my head.

It is wonderful that you are feeling a little better. I am thankful that I wasn’t to blame for your getting ill.

I’m going to stop here because I’m having a lot of trouble focusing and I definitely don’t want to ramble right now.

💕💕Hugs💕💕. ❤️❤️I Love You ❤️❤️

@BlueDarkAurora

Thank you for your kindness and support. The one thing that I definitely don’t want is for anyone to be triggered by my writings. The fact that my screwed up thoughts immediately prompted my self blame and ran with it, shows another thing about me and I am ashamed of how far my self blame takes things. I used to bury those thoughts like everything else. I can’t so that anymore.

Writing does help to take the edge off, and I have had a rough time not doing so. In fact that along with my guilt has made me a little sick .

Thank you again,

@Iamwhoiamwhoami if you want to ramble then please do so. I'm not triggered by you ❤ I also play the guilt and blame game on myself, far to much. We are just two people, who have come to be great friends here ❤ I would not  be here if I was triggered easily. I'm very ill right now, so if I do disappear for a few days, you know it's because of my health, and not you ❤🙂❤ if that happens, remember I love you and will message you as often as I can ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Thank you for being so understanding. I am not feeling to good myself. I will probably return to rambling tomorrow. I’m going to try and get some more sleep or frequent naps. Hopefully after reading that you are feeling better will help me do so.

❤️❤️Hugs❤️❤️. 💕💕💕I Love You 💕💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 🙂❤❤ it means a lot to me for you to say those words, I know you don't take the word love lightly, I could just cuddle you up all day, but from a german safe disatance😁 I'm glad your going back to your ramblings, that's made me very happy ❤ so the walker/roller it hasn't helped you much?? I hope you get some good sleep ❤ I will be going to sleep in a moment too. I'm just so tired  hugs you tightly ❤❤I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11 germs* germs* from a safe free germ distance.. Damn autocorrect😂😂😂😂

@Tinywhisper11 German safe xD

@BlueDarkAurora 😂😂😂😂

I’m in a not so good place right now. I want to try and write here again, It’s like my stopping along with the self blame has created a traffic jam in my mind.

I’m sorry, I will try and come back later

I am not sure how but it seems that my depression has gotten a little worse.

I know I need to but due to extreme constipation from meds I don’t want to eat much of anything. I try and just can’t. The food tastes inedible, almost gross tasting. I have been taking softeners that have helped a little.

I’m a mess, completely messed up . I think about food and my stomach turns.

I’m of the mind to just try and keep going back to sleep when I wake from each little nap.

I am all alone and that is my fault, but that doesn’t change this complete emptiness I feel.

This is a sign of what’s to come. I don’t have any hope or strength left to handle any of it.

I am struggling as I have never struggled before. I have found friends here. That has affected me in a way that is something I have never experienced before. It has created a strange feeling in me.

I’m trying to force myself to eat and my stomach is rejecting it.

Why should I want to continue this with no purpose. ?

I have friends here, and as wonderful as that is, that doesn’t fill the massive void that has no chance of being filled inside me.

This lack of love, of friends and family, of having someone by my side to share everything with, of being held in a loving embrace, of feeling loved, of feeling the love of the simplest of things like holding hands, this void is a vacuum that is draining me. Possibly this is the darkness I live in. A place which should be filled with love and happiness and pure positivity , is my screwed up mind and pure negativity capable of doing that?

It would make sense. After all this time, the years of accumulated negativity and struggles would need a home filled with darkness and where better than a place that is so void of anything positive that it has become a powerful vacuum desperately trying to pull in anything to fill the space. So in desperation it let the negativity in and the negativity took root and replaced any remnants of positive anything with pure negativity. Then that vacuum of darkness fed off of any and all negative energy and grew stronger and stronger. Thus taking over everything regarding me.

*** in any positivity and grinding it up and disposing of it as quickly as it comes in.

Also explains why I am destined to live in the darkness till my last breath.

That would explain why anything positive that comes my way here gets converted towards negative thoughts rather quickly.

why so much positivity embraced in so much love, kindness, wrapped in the pure warmth of the brightest of light rooted in positivity and love that is sent to me, gets converted so quickly by one opportunity of my thoughts to utilize my guilt to twist that positive energy into something negative with what appears to be a very simple way.

I think that just solidifies my thinking that I am destined to be this way forever. I don’t have the strength, I am the weakest I can ever remember being. Which I know doesn’t mean much considering my brain issues. The weakest in spirit and actual physical strength.

If this line of thinking is true, I don’t have a chance of winning this internal war. So my destiny is as I have thought. To continually spiral downward into a bottomless abyss.

This all feeds into the notion of giving up completely. To just lay here and not get up at all.

I am in agreement with that notion. However, there is something, I don’t know what it is, something is I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like it’s poking me and tugging at me at the same time.

I don’t understand what it is or what it means. I am just as confused as I always am.

Why, as this crud continues, does every revelation I have, involve the facts that continuing is fruitless?

The reality I live with day to day, supports those facts. Any picture I may have had regarding a positive outlook has been completely erased.