Ramblings 3

@Tinywhisper11 it only ever happened once thankfully

I think if I just try and stay on schedule I should be ok until they want me to wean off of them.

that feeling is basically gone now

Thank you 💕💕💕💕I love you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami that's good it's starting to lessen ❤ see and you wonder why people tell you your so strong ❤❤ hugs you tightly

You’re my strength

@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh thank God ❤ I'm glad it's over for now ❤ you did so well ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you more ❤❤

I am going to try and rest for a bit. Thank you .💕💕💕💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami sticking to the same meds, is probably the best idea ❤❤❤

@Tinywhisper11 what are you feeling now?

Back to my normal miserable self..

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yaaaay! I'm happy your back to normal😂😂

tucks you into bed, kisses your forehead, goodnight angel ❤ I love you ❤

Love you too 💕💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope your still asleep, and having sweet dreams ❤

I woke up a little bit ago and took my meds. I was feeling odd , not the dread/fear sick to stomach thing. But yet somehow something just as strange to me . It is a deep, empty feeling. That one that leaves a pit in my stomach. I think the word for it is true loneliness. That little thing that happened awhile ago that Tinywhisper11 was kind enough to help me through from around the world. I didn’t ask for her help through that rough time I was having. But she made sure she stayed with me while I got through it to the other side. The pure selflessness of her actions was amazing.

That made me realize what I want more than anything, yet know I will never be blessed with in my lifetime. That is someone truly by my side (in the flesh) someone to spend my remaining days with, to share our deepest secrets with, and the simplest of things with, someone who can understand and accept me for all my flaws and my baggage,

Someone who would do what my friends here do everyday, support me as I do the best I can to support them.

that realization leaves that pit in my stomach representing the pure and deep emptiness that is inside me , an emptiness which will never be filled leaving me lonely and empty inside. 🥹😢😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I wish I knew what to say. I do know what you mean though. That emptiness and loneliness. I had an opportunity a few years ago but I backed out. Which I know now that it wouldn't have worked out anyway. Her and I just have too much trauma in our backgrounds. That needs to be healed first

What you said was wonderful to me. My situation with my long list of lifelong issues doesn’t necessarily need suggestions or anything like that.Though always welcomed , not needed. Just the opportunity to hear what you have or currently are experiencing or anything you want to share with me is always welcome and appreciated.

Especially now that I’m bedridden and trapped with my thoughts and have no distractions. Your writings, along with tiny and dark and the others really help with that . I will forever be thankful for your support and friendship. ❤️❤️

I see so many passings of hugs and love and the like here. And I get sent those same things as well, I send them out to.

I sometimes see these things and it makes me realize that I long for the simple things involving human touch. The feeling of a warm caring embrace , the feeling of snuggling close to that special friend. The feeling of comfort from the simplest but most powerful things having someone reach out and hold my hand in times of need . I long for that simplest of things. The simplest form of human contact is something I don’t know but long for deep inside my empty heart.😭😭😭

I think I am done for awhile.

Thank you again @Tinywhisper11 . Sticking with me through that time earlier. You are wonderful blessing.

I have another thing I seem to have grasped onto regarding my past. Maybe I have mentioned before, if so I apologize in advance.

I have a strange deep rooted dislike of holidays and birthdays. It’s not the beliefs that they are rooted joy. It’s the modern interpretation and practices of them, not all , just a select few. Especially ones that involve gifts

I remember despising these holidays as a child as well. For example xmas… when I was around 5 or so I would get several gifts All clothes, underwear, socks etc…necessities yes . One gift was a toy of some kind. Lincoln Logs, or something else. Which was fine but after a short period of time they got repackaged and put away never to be seen again. Then my mom would drive us to her mother’s house where her brother and family were, another state, gifts exchanged and my mother gave their boy lots of gifts , all toys. One gift for me, clothes. I got several gifts from them all toys, I was allowed to open and play with only one. Once the visit was over I never saw those things again. Birthday gifts from my “parents “ were clothes. When divorce was final my speem donor father only gave a card and money .

I had always thought that gifts were not that important but that there should be an attempt at putting a little effort into what the recipient would actually enjoy. Needed things were for the everyday things. And gifts to children were not just for the da.

This person who was supposedly my father thought money was the only thing. That belief of his is the final reason I walked away and never looked back. I despised holidays then and I still do to this day.

I napped for a bit and then came back here. I usually reread the last bit of writings to double check that I finished what I was trying to say . And periodically I read those ones that I most recently wrote and I don’t remember what I wrote or writing it. And this is one of those times. I think this happened a time or two in the last few days regarding my past.

I am inclined to believe that they are true but I can’t say for sure. Maybe I wrote something like this in my earlier writings, which would add evidence to that theory. But with the brain flickers I just don’t know. This kind of stuff really does scare me. The fact that I will never answer the big question I have , which is my screen name. So that brings up the question, do I change my name… possibly to Iwaswhoiwaswhowasi ?

My mind holds the answers, at least that is what years of therapy has ingrained into me.

with it flickering out, I will never know.

It is amazing how taxing doing this is on me. I’m so tired just from writing this segment. Other people would have written this in seconds, it takes me considerably lots longer, I fat finger a lot, autocorrect is a major contributor to mistakes I try to catch and correct. My eyes and brain are not on the same wavelength or the same speed. So registering what I am writing is a difficult thing for me to do.

on that note, I need a little break.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami This with the toys is so relatable. They were props in pictures. That was all. "look at how perfect" 

I’m going to skip wheelchair ♿️ training today. The pain levels are high enough that I am wimping out.

So the chair Olympics are on hold for now.

Why and how did I become such a crybaby and wimp?

I have not overcome adversities, I have muddled through them and still haven’t made it out the other side of most if not all of them. I have resigned myself to the fact I need and want help, desperately. However I am still alone, on my own, not able to drive for two factors…extreme pain and the medications I currently am on.

So that means I would have to rely on an ambulance which would calculate out around $20,000 for a 25 mile journey. My life is not worth that . Several of my friends here may argue that fact. And in their eyes they are correct, and yet in my eyes I am also correct. So then who is right? But that isn’t important at the moment. Actually I don’t know what is… I have rambled again and have confused myself again.🤔🤷‍♀️

I have vague memories of reading books, not necessarily school books but books for entertainment. I would consider but focusing on the print on this screen is hard enough and obviously I confuse easily anymore.

I do have tv , dvd player and dvds. I don’t have cable or satellite or anything just dvds. I turn that on just for background noise mainly, helps a little with anxiety issues, Blocks out a little outside noise so I don’t keep getting up and peeking out the windows to make sure nobody is here.

It would be nice if I could recognize all those who have reached out to me with their support and kindness with an easier method than the way it is set up now. For me by the time I am rerouted to the nomination form I forget spelling and capitalization points in all your names. And just words will never bring justice to the deep importance and impact all of your support has had on me. I can’t do the fancy designs or the wonderful “gifs” (hopefully that is the right word) . I am only capable of writing these words here in hopes that they will find all of you somehow someday.

My eyeballs are rolling back into my head because I am so tired so another break is needed

I’m all cured. I’m happy and smiling and dancing around.

The words I will never speak truthfully. I don’t dance, am never happy and I don’t dance. Even if by some miracle Tinys equivalent magically appeared by my side and hugged me I would be a few steps closer to happy , that possibly would create a smile or something resembling one on my face along with tears streaming down my cheeks, but still no dancing.

Strange thoughts have streamed through my brain lately, such as these ones regarding my past, what makes it stranger is that most of my thoughts are normally jumbled, intermixed and not necessarily in any order. These were kind of blurry but basically straight forward certain points or moments in what seemed like in order of events. .

Heard from doctor, they want to double up on the gabapentin for a few days and maybe change the plan.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Change the plan? This is hopefully good news and they'll move things faster?  It's good that you've been keeping them aware of your pain and that meds aren't helping a whole lot ❤️

Just the plan for meds . They can’t do anything about surgeon. Surgeon is with a different hospital.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh 😞 damn. Sorry Iam. Extra meds will at least  hopefully help you feel more comfortable 

We can only hope so. Unfortunately,as I am sure you know, they have to start on the lower dosages and work their way up. Especially on the ones on the controlled substances list. And I am now on a couple of those. But hopefully they will work better now, I really want and need a nice hot shower.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're right. I know they do it's just frustrating especially when everything just causes pain. Walking or sitting or standing and even laying down. I hope they help enough so that you can get that hot shower

Thank you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're welcome ❤️ I was just going to heart it but I've used my allotted number of hearts 😕 smh 

That’s been going around lately.❤️

It was recently mentioned about wake up calls. If this latest thing is , hello.. I’m awake… I’m listening.. what is this supposed to be trying to get me to focus on?

Interesting fact … if any of you were here in front of me or beside me, I wouldn’t be able to speak the words I write here directly to you. I would be a completely quiet scared and fearful coward.

I wonder what I would’ve seen and how I would’ve interpreted those things many moons ago, if I could’ve seen the world through Tinys eyes? Would I be in a better place today?

Same curiosity with seeing things through Twisted or DarkBlues eyes

Could I have seen and appreciated the beauty in this world?

whenever I watch the sun go down or the sun come up I only see another day gone or another day starting. If I see a star filled sky or a full moon I just see the sky. When I look in the mirror I see a broken down miserable, fat , stubborn, cranky, confused and defeated old person. I probably will receive some static from my friends here for saying that. Mind you I said what I see not what you see.

The way I feel is much worse. I at times feel conspired against . I have pushed so many people away, and this digital world, is a scary confusing place. But with my anxieties and other issues, understanding that everyone out there has lives and many responsibilities, my issues don’t take in account, I am always fearful my writings are chasing everyone away. I am always afraid of losing my friends here because of my honesty and pure never ending negativity.

I know that’s not true but my fears and anxieties have a tendency towards anything other than reality.