Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ahhh, the feeling of pure fear and uncontrollable dread🙁 it's not nice is it? That's what I felt very often growing up, I don't know how I survived it.  Luckily know there are people here when that happens. What I'm trying to say is maybe going to hospital isn't a bad thing right now. You don't want to be alone, and they might be able to move things along faster for you

but that's just my point of view, and I don't know what I'm talking about most the time. How are you feeling right now?

That weird nauseating feeling is gone for now.

Just trying to see about dozing off is a possibility.❤️❤️💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami that's a good idea ❤ try and rest for a little while ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ sweet dreams angel ❤

Please don’t read the following writings , your to wonderful and beautiful to be tainted at all with my following writings. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok I wont😏

I figured I should at least check in here and say something, anything. I’m definitely not in the right headspace right now. But I’m thankful for those that keep checking in on me. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

My thoughts are extremely dark however I also feel strange a new emptiness, a void that can’t be filled, a space that strikes fear in me for that void is not normal.

Why does the darkness refuse to take my breath away like it has everything else? Why am I forced to wake up everyday in a condition that continually manages to get worse, with depression that constantly keeps finding a lower level that didn’t exist before. One that proves that I was meant to suffer immeasurable pain and misery on a whole different level than the rest of the world. Combining an entire platoon of issues and burying me beneath them. Proving that self loathing can reach an unheard of level. Ensuring that any and all anxieties are on high alert at all times, continuously spinning all those issues like greasy plates on a stick. The more they spin and the faster they spin the bigger the guarantee that I will not gain control of any of it.

I can’t grasp any method to the madness that is my life. If knowing the root issues and details is the “key” to the beginning of rerouting the journey toward a less depressed way of life. What does it mean when your mind is slowly losing that information, and too much other information throughput too many other incidents in life? Would that not mean that the journey is then locked on to its current course of travel?

Trigger warning for multiple possibilities,

100’s of times I have been told that remembering and discussing the first known trauma in my life is the key to changing the direction of my journey. For a long time I only suspected that those first traumatic events even happened. There was a point in time a long ago that I had what I learned later was a panic attack caused by ptsd, I didn’t believe that but that is not important right now. I don’t remember details about much of it but I felt like I was watching and experiencing the violation and abuse that was occurring to me and it was flashing in my head like snapshots mixed with short clips .

don’t know what I was doing in the real world but I was screaming and crying and hitting and mortified. Yet I was just laying there as it happened. I was extremely young, I had visions of me in a diaper being molested by my speem donor of a father. These visions also included me at the age of walking and talking.

Even after this first episode I refused to even bring it up in therapy. I did eventually open up about it. But no progress was ever made with it. Maybe I was still holding back something, I don’t know. Skipping ahead to the here and now, I want to be a completely open book, however my mind is losing information constantly. Including about that first horrific thing that I experienced. I now realize that since that first incident is the key to a different journey, since that information is missing or completely gone, I am trapped in the one I am on

I don’t like my memories being messed with, I don’t remember a lot of things, yet I have brief moments of a picture or short video involving different things that have me in them. I have episodes that are after effects of those moments. Shaking , rocking curled up clenched up , watery eyes, . But how do I know at this point that it’s not just a bad dream in the daytime while I am technically awake. ? What is true about me and my life? Did any of these things happen to me or do I have an overactive imagination? I don’t remember much about my breakdown a few years ago but the records from the hospital are there. There again I don’t remember what I specifically ate yesterday or when it was. Does that mean I didn’t eat? Nothing makes sense anymore.

It seems like the thoughts I am grasping onto are a little different than normal. I am beginning to think that there is no better path for me. That someone or something is toying with me and my life for their pleasure. Or maybe I am part of an experiment to see how much mental instability can one person take and still breathe.

I know that’s nonsense but it would explain a lot.

Even though I am eating pretty much the same junk everyday. It sucks getting down to the last few things, it seems like choices are gone and stuck eating whatever is there. The little variety I have left is mostly what I ordered that should be coming tomorrow night. So I will be stuck thinking about how sick I am of eating the same thing every day.

Trigger warnings for potentially anything.

SI is not a battle it is a war, a very large war that wreaks havoc in me every single day. It , like all wars, has no winners. I don’t necessarily classify anyone as a survivor, I classify them as traumatized casualties.

The one that has taken root in me has made sure that I

believe the agenda it preaches. . The reality is I do believe it. I have for many decades. That is not a sympathy statement, that is a reality fact. Anyone who has read my writings for awhile should be able to see that this is a fact. That doesn’t change anything in regards to “safety” . I am still safe.

The longer I lay here with my thoughts the more I realize the pointlessness of continuing to look for an escape route

The realization this morning when I called ER and had to face the reality how alone I truly am. If I would have chosen to go in it would have had to be via ambulance that would have cost Way too much, the last time I rode in one they billed me around 15,000 dollars just for a few miles and this woul have been over 20 miles.

I can’t drive so no options. So I chose to stay home.

This has been the culmination of my life choices brought to this point. . Choosing between suffering and another outrageous bill that is more than the value of my life.

If I were closer to hospital I probably would have hobbled or drug myself there. But I will not get charged an exorbitant amount of money for a long taxi ride. I didn’t like coming to that decision because the experience I was having was very very scary. . Being all alone was amplified 100 fold at that moment.

The fear was real I was experiencing a time of slight nausea with this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear.

Going forward is not something I am comfortable with

if this morning is any indication of the future I can’t do it.

That indescribable feeling I had this morning rattled me to the core. I am sure many others know that feeling. That particular point I would have given anything to have had anybody come up to me and not saying anything just wrapping me up in a warm loving embrace and letting me know I am not alone. But having that particular moment was surprisingly traumatic for me. I do not like using that term because I don’t take it lightly. But it suits this situation very well. I don’t think that the hospital would have done anything except pour more drugs in me..

I am trapped right now in the thoughts of my extreme darkness. I can’t escape them so the only way to cope with them is to try and capture them and write them down. That is my way of coping.

Like I said before after years of the darkest of thoughts being woven into my core, being scrolled through my thoughts multiple times a day year after year , I do believe those things are true about me. Whatever anyone wants to say about it , those things are a root part of me. People try and tell me a lot of different things,all revolving around the same things, my self worth, strength, etc. , I do try to believe that those things are true however everything that I struggle with and the new things that are thrown in keep proving them wrong and that just adds another layer of reinforcement to those core beliefs.

I’m not sure what the difference is between chronic severe depression (lasting a lifetime) and any other shorter periods of severe depression, there probably isn’t much if anything different. But after spending nearly 50 years struggling these lowest and darkest of thoughts, plus having so many other struggles piled on and eventually intertwined around and into my core. I don’t think that I will ever believe anything different.

I am not worthy of the friendships of those beautiful people like Tinywhisper11 , mytwistessoul , DarkBlueAurora, (hopefully got the last one right). They possess all the positive qualities that I will never have. They state things they see that are positive things, they may be things I possess however they are the smallest of growths overshadowed by all the darkness.

The thoughts that accompany the darkness are vicious to the point facts about me and my self worth. These words may be hard to read but they are the hardest of truths . Whatever good or positive things that may be inside of me are overshadowed by the decades of realization of those things which were ingrained into me for so long like a mantra.

I struggle with these thoughts everyday multiple times a day,

with everything else I struggle with everyday and limited focus I can’t grasp on any way that anything can happen to change that dynamic

The wonderful people here try their hardest to shine their light into the darkness others are in. I would truly like to say that their light has changed the direction of my journey.

They deserve pure positivity for their efforts.

They remind of the strength it takes to have made it this long suffering from so much. That in itself should speak to the reason my reserves are beyond depleted.

Obviously by my writings today, this is one of those days that are my worst ones to struggle through. Normally I try to avoid writing here when I am struggling this much with the darkest of thoughts, but I decided to try and put a little bit of those thoughts here as well, I do write the truth and days including thoughts like these are a part of my truths.

I am a little, no actually a lot, scared to go to sleep tonight. I don’t want to wake up to what I did this morning. That feeling I felt scared the heck out of me,

That fear has intertwined itself into my thoughts. I feel that fear gradually creeping into other thoughts. Creeping into the loneliness side of things.

The times that I am forced to struggle with the darkest of thoughts for extended periods of time, which is usually like a 24 hour bug. Basically for a day or so I am at this level. Then it’s back to my “normal” level of depression etc. I classify it as vent day . Let’s some pressure release.

Tried a shower and pain meds didn’t help for that just a couple of minutes from bed to shower and pain went to extreme. Stayed under for a minute or so then got out and partially dried off and collapsed into bed

Too much negativity influencing my thoughts. But that is a normal thing I deal with daily. If it wasn’t for this community and the Friends who found me I don’t think I would still exist.

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️ I think this is a good spot to get back in to reading my writings ❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok thanks ❤ I did not read the previous messages😁 😁😁😁

@Tinywhisper11

Thank you, I appreciate that.

@Tinywhisper11 ok yeah you know I read them, that was a lie sorry. I don't like lieing so sorry

But I only read them because I'm proud of you ❤ I don't have the guts to write my darkest moments and deepest fears. I'm so glad you do ❤ hugs you tightly ❤

@Tinywhisper11

no worries. I think the upvotes kind of gave it away. I figured you were joking when you added the smile faces

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😁😁😁 sorry I lied though ❤

Apology accepted, ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami thankyou ❤

I think I will try and avoid these darkest of thoughts writings for now.

Tinywhisper11

you wonder what it’s like out there… I think if you had the right person by your side, you would love it. There’s always things not so great also. But to have someone who shares your love of life and tries to find the positive in everything, would make it all the more wonderful.

So , someone the opposite of me.

For me the world is a scary place but that is all my issues talking.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I would feel safe going out there with you ❤ I don't know who else I would feel safe around 

I think it’s Sunday today so rollator and chair should be here tomorrow. Food delivery hopefully tomorrow night. Not looking forward to the many trips in and out then putting it all away.

I am an extremely private person plus my anxieties kick in so I am really not comfortable with anyone in my house, even if it’s a coworker of many many years. So before it’s asked that is why….,

I’m so tired of being a nutcase. So complicated yet so simple.

If I had a house full of mirrors, every one I looked into the reflection would be different, each representing one issue I struggle with. Break one and 7 more issues arise while that one is renewed.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami the house of mirrors, that's a brilliant way to describe yourself, your pain. That was very creative