Ramblings 3

How can friends I met here who have never met me or seen me believe things about me that I have never seen,felt, or even remotely believed about me? Only through my writings they see something I can’t. How can they see that through all my negativity interlaced throughout my writings. . I’m thankful they do, my self criticism and judgement are on high alert like everything else.

How do people in my kind of scenario (take away everything except the recent back and leg issues) , how do they accomplish the basic tasks without someone else helping, like proper bathing, doing dishes, getting dressed, undressed, etc, etc.?

The temptation to try the first nerve pill a little early is high, but I am sure it will probably be better to take it at the earliest in about six hours. I guess in reality right now it doesn’t matter since I am not working and I have no schedule whatsoever. But morning is when take first doses of the day for regular meds. Might be easier to remember that way.

Extreme imagination thoughts, I wonder if this would be easier handle if Tinywhisper11 and mytwistedsoul were actually here with me each holding my hand and giving their support, love, and kindness. Or would my anxieties take the reins and make it harder? Does that sound weird to anyone?

I am scared of going through this alone. I am scared of being in the hospital alone., am scared of all this. I am scared of becoming addicted to the meds I am now on. I’m scared of everything going forward. I’m scared of every bit of the unknown going forward. I’m scared of waking up from surgery and my brain finally flickers off for good. I’m scared of something going win surgery and I become a complete vegetable. I’m scared of being alone for another 4 weeks PTO the 1st appointment with the surgeon

Discovering new and interesting ways to make me suffer is somebody’s idea of a good time and with everything that has been happening to me , they are obviously jiggling with excitement.

They also probably are one of those people that enjoy watching people suffer with every breath. They also know that people like me know that because of the things that the person is suffering with guilt from over situations like my stepson , that those people know they deserve what they’re receiving.

If I wasn’t going through all this I would never have believed that one person could be struggling with so many issues at once, Most of them for decades with no reprieve. Just the combination of a couple of them can be overwhelming, but add them together and they make a scary kind of stew. It’s scary enough knowing each of these different issues can be a hairy situation to work through Even scarier imagining one person trying to navigate all of them at the same time. Step up to the next level… being that person navigating that nightmare on their own.

Took my meds a little early not sure what to expect from the new med for nerve pain.

Not sure if new med is doing anything or not .With the combo it has got me a little loopy. . Got up and walked around a bit made it quite a few steps before left thigh and knee pain flared up. Kept moving a bit more and back pain became evident but kind of strange, probably because of the loopiness. Thigh and knee pain skyrocketed , however it was centralized in thigh and knee. Made it back to bed and now the back pain was throbbing pain and at about an 8 on the 1-10 scale

I probably should round up a notepad or something and at the very least write down when I take the oxycodone. . I am very forgetful, a lot more than usual. I have noticed that several times I have went to take another oxy and I don’t remember what time I took the last one . As of now it was every 4 hours as needed now with the other new med that changed to every 6 hours. But at the 4 hour intervals I know that those times I questioned interval it was at least 3 hours but not sure about being close to 4.

My concern is that these are highly addictive meds and I want to make sure I can keep track and try and minimize that risk. I have said before I don’t like taking pills . But with the pain this thing is throwing at me I have had to give in to doing whatever medication is necessary to help keep it in check.

Also , how much of the leg Kai is now muscle pain not nerve pain. Lack of use and abnormal walking/waddling . Same with the rest of my body. All these pains , the prior ones and the new ones are starting to blend together. Even the mental pain is starting to intermix.

The one thing that I want more than anything else right now is to feel the warm loving embrace of anyone, just to be wrapped in their arms. To feel loved.