Ramblings 3

What is scary with this brain flickering thing is that there are times, more often than not that I don’t remember yesterday. Not just a little bit of it but all of it. I’m not necessarily referring to the time involving this back and leg issue. Since this issue started everything just blends together. Remembering thirty seconds ago could be an issue,

I don’t remember writing a lot of my writings here. Most of the time I don’t remember writing the segment before the current one I am writing.

Been quite itchy all day, could be side effect or just lack of proper hygiene. Laying her in the dark legitimate dark , nighttime and no lights on trying to see what others see me as via my writings. Try as I might I can’t see what they see. I still see the same thing I always have. . Some see hope, not me I see someone so lost that while they are curled up rocking in despair that they would whisper for directions to the spider walking by

I see someone so scared that they don’t want to open their eyes for fear of what they might see. I see someone so scared of their own voice because their voice speaks truth, sometimes incoherent jumbled sentences but still the truth. Someone who fears happiness because it only harbors disappointment. Someone who sees the darkness and lives in the darkness yet fears that same darkness. Someone who fears love because they know not of love.

I see someone scared of living because they know not how. Someone who trembles at everything that is outside of the day. I see someone who is so broken and beaten down that they prefer to be someone they are not instead of exploring their true self hidden deep beneath the massive mountain of life’s baggage. Someone who finds an excuse to stay hidden from all including themselves.

I see someone who is scared of compliments , who is scared of pretty much everything anymore. I am scared of the unknown. , of finding out that all of this was a figment of my imagination. Of realizing that I am never getting any better than I am right now.

I fear that I have become the sum of all I have hidden away and buried in the darkness, the sum of all the words I have written here. I do not know that sum but yet I do fear it. I fear that finding out the truth of the reality of these fears would completely break me . I fear the truth as told by reality. I speak the truth based in my version of reality.

The last several bits of writing were written by starting the sentence and staring at the screen trying to grasp the first words I could grasp in this fog I am in, and converting those words to written words . Repeatedly doing this and the end result is what I wrote, the writings of a strange individual

I fear being right

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi sweetie ❤ I fell asleep for a bit, I see you did not😕 did you at least get any sleep?

Fears are what controls you, hiding is what you know to do. It's not always easy to come into the light, when you've lived in the dark so long. But also the fear the darkness, it doesn't let you see properly, so let your friends here guide you through ❤ we are your light, and we want to be your light through all the dark times. And why?? Because we love you ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami are you ok??