Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
I’m a complete and utter mess. The more I talk/write the more of a mess I make.
I have issues with forgiving myself for anything. I carry guilt around like a badge of shame. I berate myself nonstop for things I am guilty of l. I don’t forgive myself nor do I intentionally forget.
I will apologize and try to remember not to bring it up anymore providing my apology is accepted.
@Tinywhisper11 and @mytwisteddoul I am truly sorry for this mess I have created. I am sorry for any misery I have caused you both. I’m not sure about my future here, I need both of you in my life , along with this community, writing here is very important but I have enough failures in my life and I am not handling this mess I made of things very well. I never had friends and I am very critical of myself because I don’t want to lose you or this community.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I don't think you need to apologize Iam but if it helps I forgive you. We all have bad days and you have been having more than your share of bad days for the past couple of months. It can be really easy for misunderstandings and miscommunications to happen in a place where we "talk" in written form. It happens. I bet it's happened to everyone here that's been here for a while. I know it's happened to me already and I think (if I remember correctly) a while back Tiny and I had a similar misunderstanding
@Iamwhoiamwhoami there is nothing to forgive, I love you sweetie ❤ the more you write, the more alike I notice we are, in some ways, I carry a lot of shame, blame and guilt to, it's not a nice thing to have to think about🙁 but we are her for each other, as friends will always be ❤❤❤
The hits keep coming. Just heard from neurosurgery and initial appointment is September 19th. 4 more weeks.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami. When they called with your appointment did you let them know that you are in excruciating pain and unable to walk or care for yourself? If there was anyway they could squeeze you in earlier?
I did mention that and that didn’t phase the person I talked to in the least bit. On the computer system that links the clinics and hospitals with patients and doctors, there is a spot to mark for earlier appointments in case of cancellations. I did that for the pain management one but my frustration along with everything else I forgot to do that for this one.
Finding transportation is the contending issue. It is what it is.
Thank you again for reaching out. I am thankful for having you and the others here .
I always have several people that I want to show my appreciation and gratitude, but I am not as skilled at making those fancy pages and such , there are too many times that I don’t take advantage of those opportunities to recognize them because of that. You are one of those people.
I am sorry that I will never be one of those positive individuals that I am thankful to have as friends here. Thank you for everything.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami.That you mentioned how much pain you were in is good . You were advocating for yourself! It’s no reflection on you the response from the person you spoke to. Believe me many who work in hospitals and doctors offices are like that. I have been treated that way too. Do you think you would have the strength to call back to get on the cancellation list for the neurosurgeon? No worries if it’s too hard for you to do.
I am not good at making fancy pages either . Many of us will be happy just to see that you get your needed treatment and or surgery.
I am at the point of laying here curled up rocking back and forth and letting whatever happens happen. I am out of strength and desire. I will just lie here until the 19th. No more calls none of it. It’s not a priority for them they have made that quite clear, so I resign myself to their judgement.
But again, Thank you.
I am just stunned at the lack of importance I rate in this. Nothing in this mess has been important to anyone other than me.
I’m so sorry for hurting Tinywhisper11 . I am hoping for forgiveness.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami at this point we are both asking for each others forgiveness. I'm not hurt or mad at you in any way. ❤❤ I'm outraged by the appointment waiting lists 🙁 this is all just so wrong, I'm so sorry sweetie 😥 this is heartbreaking your doctor should be doing more to help this move quicker and get you the right help. It's just disgusting, how they don't realise it seen to care what your going through. But it's ok, I'm here with you ❤ you can do this ❤ I wonder if it's because the insurance is taking so long, maybe that's why your not priority to these people🙁 transport is definitely a big problem. You are much stronger than anyone I know. I don't think I would be able to cope with everything your going through physically and mentally🙁 hugs you close to my heart ❤ one way or another, together we will get you through this ❤ I'm right here holding your hand ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I forgive you for being such a wonderful and beautiful and caring friend.
As far as the doctors are concerned, it is what it is. Appointments are made, I have to accept it as it was handed to me.
There is nothing anyone here can do to change what is happening in my spot in the world. How I deal with it for the next four weeks remains to be seen.
just because every step I have taken in this recent addition feels like for every step somebody is pushing me backwards .
You are the strong one, everything you’ve been through, everything you’re going through and to come here and spread your love throughout this community.
I on the other hand, have no strength left, and I have no desire to do anything anymore. I am content just laying here curled up and rocking until eternity. I am no longer hopeful.
❤️Hugs❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami please try and stop rocking, it's ok we are here for you ❤ rocking is fine, but I'm worried it might do more damage to your back🙁 "it is what it is" i suppose is the best way to think of it right now, bless you.
as for hope, it's ok not to have any right now. But I have more than enough hope for the both of us ❤ so I'll keep your hope safe until you get it back ❤🙂 wraps you up in a cosy blanket and hugs you tightly ❤❤ whatever is going through your mind right now just make sure it remembers you are loved ❤ I love you ❤
I’m going to take my pain meds and try and sleep for a bit. I’m tired of this fog I’ve been living in❤️❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami yes try to rest ❤ tucks you into bed, kisses your forehead. Goodnight sweet Angel ❤ ❤
As they say *-*
"Forgiveness is the best form of love. It takes a strong person to say sorry and an even stronger person to forgive."
You're both strong<3
@BlueDarkAurora ❤❤❤
A couple hours of sleep with meds, even the meds are conspiring against me
Anxiety can make it difficult to have long sleep. It helps me to try to calm my thoughts and direct them towards positive ones before sleep. I'm sure the pain is a reason too<3 Don't give up on trying to find help for yourself. It's frustrating but maybe one of those tries can bring in some positive support. If hope hurts then let's believe. I believe things will get easier for you.
@BluDarkAurora
What you’re saying rings true. However, I am out of go juice, my tank is empty, my transmission is broken, I am no longer wanting to struggle, so I will lay here and just accept whatever comes. I appreciate your support and reaching out, I am always wanting any words from people. I am in the darkest recesses of the darkness I reside in. Uncharted territory and I have been struggling for too long. I am broken, I am exhausted and overwhelmed. I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. I would rather be able to say I won’t give up on myself, but that is not the case here. I’m sorry I am too broken to continue trying.
Thank you for your support and kindness, and for reaching out once again.
Is it over yet? It has become my mantra. The same slogan or at least the one that I have managed to latch onto the most, This life has been a continuous struggle, after 50 I thought that’s when y to he downhill part came into effect. Maybe it did I suppose. I seemed to roll rather quickly into this burden I am under. This burden that has stripped what little I had left away from me. That has proven that I don’t stand a chance out in the open. I belong hidden underneath that baggage. 🧳 🧳🧳⛰️⛰️🏔️🏔️ I thought I could somehow handle all this, I was wrong. With everything that is going on with me inside and out, I am beyond frustrated and I find myself starting to take that out on the people I am asking for help from, voice raising aggravation seeping in and then I just shut down because I can see that I am in the wrong. And The person on the other end of the phone is just doing their job and following the policies (no matter how ignorant they are ) of their employer.
I am tired , I am frustrated, I am weak (physically and mentally) , I am overwhelmed, I am done with trying. Seriously what am I trying for.
I am so tired yet I can’t sleep. Why continue with this struggle ? I have no future, no true past and the present is so muddled. If there is a god and that god created me they did so as a joke for their entertainment. I have at least considered that the comedy they tried to create became the novel, the never ending saga of the failure
I suppose I probably should try and at least rinse off in the shower tomorrow. I haven’t attempted that since my mri. I don’t remember how long ago that was but I do know the pain I experience attempting that is through the roof. . Maybe in the morning .
The days are slipping by second by second. I don’t know what day it is. I don’t understand the situation I am in
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi sweetie ❤ well you had a couple of hours rest, that's better than nothing 🙂 you need to attach a hose pipe to your tap, that way you can wash yourself and your bed at once 😁 if you need to scream, scream. If you need to shout and get angry then do that, it is supposed to make you feel better ❤ I did some art 😁 I'm drawing more of those pictures where the piggies stick their head through the hole😁 I haven't took photos yet, but I will show you when I do ❤
