Ramblings 3

I have been blessed with several friends reaching out tome here and they have actually been brave enough ro read my writings and respond to some of them. This means so much to me. Why can’t all of their kindness, love and support be enough to overcome and push my darkness out of the picture? They are such wonderful people and I at times feel guilty and sad that I am still the same as I always have. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but it’s just another one of those things that is intertwined with the roots of me. They tell me they will always be by my side and I am sure that is true. But another deep rooted thing is my self doubt and fear of saying or doing something that pushes them away. Like my writings like this stating that these things are still there and I still struggle with them. These wonderful people will get tired of repeating their support for me especially when I continue to repeat my same struggles. I’m so screwed up.

I’m still stuck on the same thought line. I can understand the frustration that they probably feel reading my writing about my deep rooted fears that continue to take hold on me after all the reassurance that they have just given me to negate my fears of that very thing.

And that leads me to think that the better way for me to handle this would be to not write these repeated thoughts down. That way their frustration with me won’t boil over and cause them to back away.

I am going to continue to write what my thoughts are ,

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Friends don't back away like that. And I totally understand that just because someone says something doesn't mean that our brains latch onto it and believe it. Those fears stick around no matter how much reassurance we get from people

@Iamwhoiamwhoami. Hi I just thought about you. I was checking out the bio of a listener that led a trauma discussion I attended here. Their bio said that they are trans. I thought that they were very nice. Let me know if you would like their info.

@adventurousBranch3786

Hello, it’s nice to hear from you.

Bear with me for a bit on this. I am kind of completely thrown for a loop on this. I’m not really sure one way or the other. I’m sure you would like a yes or no response.

With everything that I am going through and the way my life is heading I am willing to answer any questions that somebody wants to ask me regarding that part of me as long as it’s not coming from a place of hatred. But I have continued to keep that part of me hidden inside. I have recently mentioned that part of myself in my ramblings. That was not intentional just the way I handle the way I write my current thoughts here.

I am not a positive person, I am not a mentor type or someone that is comfortable steering outside of my little corner here in my writings. I suppose you could give them my info. If you would like, and we could see what comes of that.

I’m not interested in any kind of listener role either. I’m not a dependable person .

Yes, I rambled in my response to your precious request, I had to write it out here and now, in case there was any chance of agreeing to this. If I waited to respond I probably would’ve stated a complete no.

Ok I am done rambling.

If you’re ok with giving them my info and if they want to contact me , then we see what happens from there. I am extremely uncomfortable with this but I am willing to see what happens.

Thank you for considering someone like me for this.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami. I wouldn’t give them your info. They are listener who volunteers here. I would give you  their user name in case you ever want someone to confide in privately on that subject. I read your post and was thinking about you in case you wanted to but there is no pressure or obligation. I may not have explained things clearly . I’m not as good with the written word as you are.  Either way I accept and support you!

@adventurousBranch3786

I appreciate your thinking of me , That is very tempting, and I have spent plenty of time scrolling through the lists of lists and therapists.

I also have thought about the reality that is me. As long as I am permitted to use my little corner for my writings, I am usually extremely careful with my wording. If someone wants to venture here and just bravely read my ramblings or even write some kind of response to them. I try to answer if it is a question. But that in itself is a big issue…. Ramble a lot. I write whatever I can try and grasp onto from the whirlwind in my head. I try and put them down here in a way that possibly makes sense. My thumb typing is lousy and slow.

Like this response to you , my trying to communicate like a normal person obviously isn’t possible.

I have and always will admire you for what you continue to do here. And I truly do appreciate and am thankful for you thinking of me and the possibility of connecting with a listener that identifies that way.

I have no plans for any part of my core identity relating to being trans to ever be anywhere near the forefront of my life. That may be wrong and possibly detrimental in some people’s minds. But my life in the complete turmoil it is in right now. I don’t have the strength to handle whatever this is. I can’t imagine trying to rekindle the investigation into what amounts to the very core of my being and dealing with that..?.?

I probably should but I’m already beyond overwhelmed and exhausted.

Once again, I am truly thankful, grateful and appreciative for your having me in your thoughts and reaching out with this wonderful suggestion.

I have probably made you regret reaching out to someone who rambles this much instead of giving a simple sincere response.

Thank you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami. There’s nothing wrong with not exploring that area . It’s completely up to you.  I don’t regret writing you at all. Best wishes for your upcoming appointment with the neurosurgeon. I really hope that they will be able to help you.

@adventurousBranch3786

Thank you

@adventurousBranch3786

Is that offer to provide me with that listeners user name still possible? I am not 100% sure I have the strength or courage to contact them, I don’t know what I would even say.

I still scroll through listener and therapist lists here . I don’t follow through with anything further partly because I struggle with so many issues that I have buried deep inside for so long plus the more recent ones that have been added to the list, where do I begin? I also in turn then think about everything I have already written here I don’t know what else I can say that is going to make a difference. I have been as open here as I possibly can. Okay, I am doing it again, I apologize to you for that.

If you share their name, is there a timeframe that I need to contact them by and how do I go about contacting them?

Once again I apologize for rambling. My concentration and focus issues have helped to create my ramblings, I suppose like people talking out loud , I write out loud. I write as I think as best I can . The ability to slow things down a bit and read what is going on in my mind helps my thought process a bit.

Not that you care about that.

Anyway, if you are still willing to share their username with me, and if there is a timeframe or deadline to contact them, I am interested in connecting with them. Also, if you could share with me how I go about contacting them.

Thank you as always, I appreciate everything you have done for me and your patience with my ramblings,

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I am going to put the link here(I hope it works). You don’t ever have to contact them. There is no timeframe or deadline to contact them either. No worries about rambling. I tend to ramble in real life myself!

Woke up from another catnap. Laying her just rocking back and forth. Mind is kind of quiet for now.

I’m not used to my mind “at rest” it is a very strange feeling to me. I think it’s a good thing, isn’t it? Right on cue, the “quiet mind headache “ . It seems that my mind at rest is a precursor to a headache. Not sure but this is not that often. I think it has only happened a few times recently. But a headache each time, so far the headaches have been relatively ok.

This quiet mind is messing up my writing process.

I’m getting a little concerned, quiet mind still, other than the normal darkest of thoughts first thing when I woke up again, not having the race of thoughts. I’m not used to this.

@Helgafy

Hello again,

Thank you for visiting me and bringing your friends light,

1. I was a teenager, I don’t remember the exact age.
2. I would’ve been somewhere around 25? I think.
3. I don’t remember exactly but I’m thinking around 10 years older.
4. Again, I don’t exactly remember, I think it was around 20.

After awhile crocodile,

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Thank you crocodile. 20 years in the marriage - so you're about 49 years now and you have only been single for 4 years. As you know - you never have to answer something you don't want to.

@Helgafy

I am 53, I had to think about that for a minute.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Young man - then 8 years of being single.

@Helgafy

I think she left around 2011, after the first month or so never heard a peep from her after that.

That’s about all the information I can remember, I am a little curious about the timeline you’re creating of me?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

lol! I'm a person of order - I think that's why I asked - lol!

@Helgafy

No worries. I am not used to anyone actually piecing together details about me.

If that’s what makes you happy, I am a willing participant.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I always put a timeline on my own life - 1971; started studying - 1974/75 - started working - etc.

@Helgafy

That’s a wonderful thing to do.

@Helgafy

I have tried to scan back through my writings , only on this section of them (Ramblings 3) . And I have noticed a few of your replies and some others, that I missed. I have tried to make sure I read them all reply to them if needed. My focus is a big struggle for me, and I have noticed that I miss more than I should. So if you feel that I have not responded to something or read something, please remind me and possibly give me an idea of where (page number possibly?) to find it, I ramble too much and I don’t remember writing much of what I write here. So , please don’t get offended if I don’t respond to something. If for some reason I would rather not answer a question I will tell you that. There are a lot of things I don’t remember and others I remember limited things about, actually those same things at times I don’t remember at all.

That is so frustrating to me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Sometimes the messages "hide". I recently found 2 messages I didn't see before. lol.

I think struggling with depression and the thoughts that accompany it , I think it’s possibly more difficult to handle when the mind is not preoccupied with everything racing around. The focus is more intense on those thoughts, anxieties are a little more intense as well.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Some positive affirmations ^-^ 

"I deserve love and happiness.

I believe in myself.

I am patient with myself.

I am strong, I am resilient."

Plant the seeds of positivity when the echoes are too loud ^-^ keep watering them and you'll surely see them sprout <3

@BlueDarkAurora

Your name isn’t the only one that I have been typing incorrectly. Ir was pointed out to me that I was misspelling Tinywhispers name as well. I am trying to watch out for that when I am correcting the rest of my errors. Thankfully, as far as I know the responses I have sent have been received by the correct people.

I accidentally did something, I think it’s called a ?screenshot? of these affirmations. Which I think is a good thing? I was thinking of figuring out how I could easily print them out and then put them on my refrigerator or something.

But I am not sure where to find that screenshot or whatever it is called? Do you have any ideas?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm not sure what kind of phone you have - I have an android. My screenshots go into my photo gallery and are stored under collections. Since screenshots are technically photos it should be in with them 😅

@mytwistedsout

Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Did it work? Could you find them?

Yes, I did. Thank you! I haven’t done anything with them yet.

Hopefully, I will. I just have to wait out this latest siege of my mind by the darkest thoughts. Then maybe I will be able to focus on figuring out how to get them printed out. My handwriting is lousy , so printing things out is better option.

But definitely thank you for helping out my friend.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Aw there are so many colorful affirmation pictures available on net, maybe you can see which ones you like and get them printed? I love cute and colorful messages, they are nice to look at ^-^ I write any new affirmations I like on sticky notes till they stick to my brain:3

@BlueDarkAurora

I have tried that , but I haven’t had much success accomplishing it. I am not to capable at doing those things.

what little I have learned in the computer side of things, my brain flickers seem to be making sure I don’t remember any of it.

Actual writing is not a good thing for me anymore. It always was sloppy, over the years it has become illegible, even to a doctor or pharmacist.

I am wanting to try putting some of these things up but The problem is I don’t really look at much of anything anymore, I kind of look through them. Not sure if you understand what I am saying with that.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're welcome 😊 Even if you haven't done anything with them yet - they're there when you're ready. I usually send things from my phone to my laptop through Bluetooth and from there I can do whatever with them

@Iamwhoiamwhoami. No worries, I noticed you called me dark blue before XD and that made me giggle lol <3 Tagged or not I'm sure we'll all find it whenever you address us cause we're like ghosts lurking here ~(*0*)~

@BlueDarkAurora

I did it again???

@Iamwhoiamwhoami nno, in the past I mean ^^ <3