Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Why do I have so many questions and answers that don’t match the questions? Why am I such a mess? Why do I write so much here but in person I have trouble with my words? What does it mean when someone has been knocked down so many times they can’t get back up?
So many years of nothingness, of hiding the “seed”, the first realizations of details relating to the beginnings of who I was going to become. The fear of societies reaction, of what to do, how to be anything related to that information. Not understanding, not knowing love whether self or outward. The deep depression at such a young age, the knowing of the hate I would receive if people knew what was inside me.
I have to pause for a bit sorry…
The darkest of thoughts plaguing me at such a young age. Those thoughts were able to push me over the edge several times at that young age. Those thoughts were hidden with that seed at that time, I was around 5 or 6 , that is the earliest I remember. Hiding these ginormous things deep inside a child’s mind and continuing to hide it for a lifetime. I remember I had a broken family, like so many other people. I only remember pain , disappointment, fear , hatred(of myself), shame, confusion, the constant feeling of worthlessness. I still feel those things. But the difference is I am an adult (supposedly), 5 or 6 years old and carrying that kind of burden. With that kind of burden it only forces me to continue to add to the secrets over time. It is only a matter of time until that burden becomes too much to carry and something gives. That happened numerous times over the years. When I came here , I don’t remember when that was or when I started unloading some of that information here but I did and I continue to do that now. But time has taken its toll. Those burdens are still attached to me they took root all those years ago.
I am not sure why I am suddenly remembering these things but I am try to write them down before they are gone again.
I don’t know who I am and am beginning to think it doesn’t matter anymore. I am who I am . Whoever that is.
But I am also confused about hiding who I am and pretending I am someone who is “normal “ , doing so intentionally for so long, and now I am just as confused if not more so about who I am. Does that mean I have another issue on my pile, something like multiple personalities or something?
I am beyond confused,
I think I had another flicker episode, I am really confused at the moment, those things I just wrote in the last few segments I don’t remember writing and some of the things I wrote I don’t remember. But I believe that they are true statements that they did happen to me .
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for continuing to check in on me.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami No thank you needed but you're welcome. I tend to be a silent supporter I guess. I was really happy to see you arranged for groceries and I saw mention of a walker too I think? You know it might not seem like much but those are actually pretty big steps to take and I'm really proud that you took them ❤️
These flickers are annoying to say the least.
Why am I the way I am? I am beyond a basket case. I can only hope that there is no one else who is as screwed up as I am.
Can’t stay down today. Anxiety is in play, anxious about people coming here, the delivery that hasn’t arrived yet , the delivery of groceries. Neighbor in full bore mode moving vehicles back and forth to his junkyard and house, sounds like someone pulling in my driveway constantly tripping my anxiety.
