Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
I don’t want to go to doctors appointments like this anymore. I am honestly scared of what they may find, or not find , meaning scheduling many more appointments with other doctors and then still not getting any real answers. I struggle enough going to this doctor. On top of that I don’t have the drive left for multiple appointments, or being told I need to change my lifestyle or habits. To do this alone I can’t do it.
Not having any support is starting to really make its mark.
What I wouldn’t give to be wrapped in the warm embrace of a compassionate supportive hug. But then again the warmth disappears and I am back in reality.
I am out of options. I am at a complete loss of next steps
I thought I couldn’t get any lower mentally, I mean after almost fifty years of this I really thought I was as low as I could go and was just destined to roam the darkness at that depth. Then sometime in the last week, the bottom fell out again.
The words to describe things for the place I am in don’t exist. I don’t even want to try and find the words.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope you keep your appointment tomorrow. I'm sure you are beyond frustrated and disappointed. You've tried so many things to make things better and I'm so sorry there hasn't been anything to help. If they can help with the pain that would be good right?
Laying here , struggling to get out of bed and start the mental battle to shower, then the one to get dressed, then to go outside, get in the truck, then the bigger one to start the truck and actually get to the doctor, the entire drive consisting of the battle to go in and stay for the appointment.
These mental battles are occurring inside my head pretty much 24/7.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami come on you can do it ❤ you know a cold shower in the mornings is a great feeling ❤ I understand it's all scary and just so much, especially when you are alone in all this😥 my heart truely breaks for you. I wish I could give you a real hug, and keep you company through the darkness. I believe in heaven, but heaven will be different, no more suffering or pain. If you do go to the doctors, let us know how you got on ❤ gives you a warm embracing virtual hug
I did make it to the doctor. They took X-rays of lower spine.
I just got the results of that, I don’t understand what it says or means but I will try and write it down so I can write it here.
Possible pars defect at L5-S1, multilevel degenerative disc space disease with endplate spurring, L5-S1 facet arthritis, degenerative changes both sacroiliac joints, multiple calcified pelvic phleboliths?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm glad you made it to your appointment. Will the doctor call you back in so he can explain all of this? I know some of it through google but I guess there's a few different ways to handle it?
I’m not triggered or anything, I just want to know how serious this could be? A follow up appointment to discuss options sounds really ominous, my doctor hasn’t read the findings yet and I’m starting to think this is something extremely serious/bad. I tried searching on the findings, but could only seem to get ok results with doing each segment individually and I really shouldn’t have done that, now I’m a little freaked out, actually a lot freaked out. Part of it by itself would be bad enough, but something about spinal surgery really scares me.
@mytwistedsoul
I would think that they would contact me somehow.