Ramblings 3

@Helgafy

  you’re always welcome to comment here. I’m always appreciative of your input.

First time not feeling loved? As a child. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

That's so, so sad "Iam". You and other children should feel that they're loved. I so much should wish that you could be comforted.

I have had another that I was able to hold onto for awhile. With as many people with the struggles we have, we are the neighbors across the hall, across the street, down the block. The people that nobody notices, people don’t have any interest in truly knowing the people around them, and/or trying to understand them. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I think each person is a holy book with the title written in gold. In these books their lives is written moment by moment.

I feel for you, as I know how it feels, there are many different reasons , why it happens. But all you can do , is make the best of the good days, and hope that the bad ones, are not too bad,

@starryCandy6123

Very, very wise Candy.

Hypothetical question. If I lived across the street from you, (anyone in this community), would you even remotely see me? Not even me , anyone could be used in that example. There is so much support here, yet to give that support person to person takes a lot more effort that I just don’t see anywhere. 

I don’t make that kind of effort person to person. My issues seriously hinders that prospect. So, I can’t expect anyone else to do what I am unwilling to do. 

Take into account, everyone else who struggles with human interaction/contact on top of other issues. How can people like me really expect person to person help when those who truly understand and care enough to want to help are suffering just as badly, if not more . 

My home is literally a few feet from the neighbors driveway and I hardly know them at all. I have lived next to them for nearly twenty years. 

As for the others around me I don’t have a clue about them. I am the strange old man in the neighborhood. The one people cross the street to get away from. 

It’s just that I wonder if you came across someone like me, rarely seen outside of the house, non-social, eye contact non-existent, fat, old, never has company. Would you go the extra mile to try and get to know me/them? Be honest. 

I would venture a guess that you would not try to even approach them. Maybe wave or smile at them then quietly go about your day. Yet here the support and caring comes raining down, Yes that is very important and needed. That is one of the many things that makes this community so special. 

In my little place in this world hidden under my baggage mountain, I stumble on these strange questions and to me for whatever reason, my logic makes sense. 

In this day and age, trust and safety are really lacking in the public sphere. So actually trying to help someone can be a not so positive experience.

I don’t know why that last bit got under my skin. The facts are that the majority of people don’t get involved. They will talk and judge without getting the true facts and trying to understand. 

The ones who do care and try are seriously under appreciated. Which in turn makes them turn away and lose all ambition to even try.  The uninhibited degradation from a lot of people is taking its toll. 

Why do I seem to only be able to latch onto the strange/unusual/unimportant thoughts. Out of what seems like hundreds racing around, I seem to latch onto the ones that most people could care less about . The facts , positive or negative, don’t matter. 

One thing then another and another. It’s never ending. I suppose if it didn’t keep piling on that would mean I was no longer able to react. However poorly I do.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

When I have feelings/thoughts I don't like I say "stop" or "go in the name of Jesus Christ". His name has authority.

Day to day the same flipping way. Too many years of struggling to even get out of bed. If I don’t have to go to work then there is a high probability I won’t even try. 

Even work is not enough motivation or reason anymore. 

 I don’t know of any reason good or bad  that is truly any important reason that I should try and do just that one simple thing. Ok, there is the bathroom and maybe eating but otherwise, nothing. 

I just threw a lot of dishes away because I couldn’t motivate to wash them. I will probably do the same again before long. 

I don’t even go outside to enjoy the few months of sunshine and warm weather because I don’t even want to see other people, or have them see me. 

The seeing me part is completely in my screwed up head. I am ashamed of everything regarding me. My laundry list of issues and struggles, the way I live-alone with no friends or family, the way I live-hidden from everyone and everything, how I look-partly due to weight mainly due to the gender thing and the fact what is presented on the outside is in no way representative of the inside, the shame of my belief that whatever they say or think about me while not knowing anything about me is probably better than what they would say or think if they did know me. 

That is probably why I still despise having my picture taken. 

I don’t even care enough to fix or replace  what breaks in my home, there is no reason to. I probably will order replacement via my phone, but those things sit here and don’t get installed, all in all simple projects just don’t seem worth it to accomplish. 

There are those that say doing those things helps make you feel alive. I feel alive because I still experience the daily struggles of just existing much less the other issues I am burdened with. I get reminded that I am still alive when a new issue is added to my baggage. 

If I could get the motivation, strength and courage I would maybe try and locate someone to handle the simple task of mowing and trimming my yard, so I wouldn’t have to be out in public. 

I would probably do the same regarding in my home also but my issues completely prevent that from ever happening. The self shame is definitely prevalent. 

I know things are only headed one direction, between the progressive body pains, mental issues and the brain going on the fritz, I am destined for life of relying on strangers to care for my needs. Adding myself to that list of people that make them regret their desire to voluntarily care for others. Hopefully, I will be polite to them and not rude and mean. 

Which makes me wonder if when my brain does shut off does that mean that all my mental issues get erased too?

If that is the case then the only solution for my issues is for me to hope that my brain goes completely.

But, whatever. I know it is what it is. It may happen today, tomorrow next week or next year. It will happen, my brain flickers will turn into brain sections completely shorting out. Either one by one or all at once. 

I’m sure I should have plans for that. But I am done with planning for anything. I never accomplish anything that I plan. 

That is irresponsible of me and I don’t care. I have been responsible all my life and what has it accomplished. 

Yes I’m throwing a self pity party.  I’m good at that. See, I am good at something. 

I have so much to say on this too but I can’t seem to focus.

Still can’t focus, but I’m going to try and add to my whining. 

I know I am not living, I am not even surviving or just existing anymore. Not sure what to call it but it seems like I have accepted reality and am just wasting oxygen until it’s over. 

I’m sure everyone has their suggestions as to who, what, why, when, where and how. 

 Reality is that my options are extremely limited if not non-existent. I’m not close enough to bigger city for help options, and even if I was I tried that direction before and the main thing, in fact at the center of all options is group this and group that. 

I can’t do that, I have tried and it doesn’t work for me. Group settings are a massive trigger and my trying to get under control enough to even be there is beyond overwhelming and exhausting. 

No in person support can possibly help anymore. I have completely given in to the facts. I want what I can’t have no more. What is coming I deserve.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You don't deserve the things you're dealing with and you don't deserve what's coming. If in person things are hard or impossible what about online? You could hire someone through Angie's to do your yard. You might not even have to talk to them at all or anything face to face

However nobody deserves to be stuck caring for me 

I erased my reminder board. At least all the info about here. I think what I wrote earlier holds a lot of reality in it. If I let the memories go and stop trying to remember, maybe I will not be burdened so heavily. Not remembering my depression, social anxiety, claustrophobia, etc., etc., etc. . Granted not remembering my name or anything else probably goes along with that but maybe the misery would be gone.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami don't give up😥

❤❤ You are loved ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

    I understand why you think I am giving up, and in the grand scheme of things maybe I am. However, I look at it as giving in, compromising. My mind, memories, whatever you want to call them, is failing at a fairly rapid pace. At least for me it seems that way. I am just not sure fighting against a certainty is the best strategy, considering the one possible benefit is ridding myself of the things that have tormented me for decades. Fighting the inevitable rarely creates an outcome different than the one destined to be. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah your right, it's sad, very very sad, but true. I just hope and pray for your well being. Gives you a virtual hug ❤❤

Ended up taking a partial day off work today due to my issues. Actually I have done this several times in the last few weeks. I just don’t know how to react anymore. Trapped between a brain fading and having to pretend I am ok in the real world and then in the middle is the shriveled up mess consisting of me. 

I suppose that decides it then, Maintaining is my short, long and only goal. 

To have any others doesn’t make any sense to me. 

Adding up the facts equals the one end result. 

I suppose on the bodily pain front . The one that is currently in the lead is the arm, hand and wrists. 

 Quite regularly can’t control my grip. It’s getting extremely embarrassing repeatedly dropping tools and parts in front of customers. Drop it,  pick it up, drop it , pick it up. Over and over. 

Climbing up and down ladders, climbing in and out of machines. Crawling , stooping under machines. Body screaming, yet pretending everything is okay. No pain, no issues. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami sympathises with your body pain ❤ 

Why? 

Why?

I can’t focus on anything today. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami gives you a giant tiny hug ❤ just try and relax today, take it easy ❤ are you ok?

@Tinywhisper11

   Thank you and I am ok

Laying here battling myself to get up and shower and go to work. The pain in my left leg is the topper right now..9 on the doctor scale. It is probably starting from a pinched nerve or something in the back. It conveniently has settled right above an old but frequently reminded of knee injury. Like most of my other aches and pains, it is a normal pain . Not sure anymore what is old or new , they are all just a fact of my life. The real joy is when my knee or knees give out completely and I am stuck on the floor until I can somehow drag myself up. I don’t know for sure how many times it has happened before, but with my memory issues I have to believe if it has happened recently it has happened in the past. 

  No worries, it is normal life for me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi just wanted to check in on you ❤ how is your leg?? Are you doing ok?? Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤

@Tinywhisper11

  At this point in my life, I don’t think that things get better. I think that I just get used to the added aches and pains. 

  Thanks for checking in. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤ keeps you in my prayers ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami just stopped by wanting to let you know how amazing you are ❤❤

Baggage mountain. Extremely old baggage. Ripped and torn. Contents leaking out. Trapped underneath. Getting swarmed by those contents, like a swarm of mosquitoes. Constantly getting bitten by them and losing a little bit of me with every bite they take.

I am so deep below and so weak. I truly don’t have the strength left. Day after day, the seconds feel like days the minutes seem like months, the hours — years.

so far below, yet every little thing that is added to the soil immediately takes root and those roots rapidly intertwine with the baggage and make there way into my life and ensure that I remain where I am.

I am who I am who am I? I suppose that name should go by the wayside because the reasons behind that name no longer matter. Who I am is this defeated, miserable, cranky, fat , old, guilt ridden, issue ridden, worthless, trapped, ugly (not just looks, but refers to the ugliness I am trapped underneath that has seeped into every fiber of my being), pain ridden, lonely, hermitized, etc, etc, etc,

I don’t know what the future will bring regarding me, nor does it truly matter anymore. There is an extremely long path walked through the darkness that I have traveled, I am sure if light was every shone on any or all of it it would have all kinds of tributaries, winding every which direction, but in the end ending not very far from where I started. In fact , probably directly below where I started , with that starting point being the peak of baggage mountain and that path , overgrown and overcrowded with baggage leading to where I am at the epicenter deep beneath that peak.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤ unfortunately many will follow that very same path😥 but you my friend, are beautiful in every way, I wish you were in better health, I think we have been great friends🙂❤ keeps you in my prayers, sends hope and hugs your way ❤