Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
So much time has passed and it all seems wasted on me. All the future time whether seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years seems to be wasted on me also. Unless it truly is punishment.
I know that I am headed for a final breakdown, My retreating was the building block of major collapse of baggage mountain. With me at the epicenter of the collapse.
Maybe my brain will completely go blank before then. That may be the only thing that prevents it.
It’s a little scary that I have been able to concentrate enough to write what I have today. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, the next brain episode might be a doozy.
Everything I write here is not important. I don’t understand why I think it is. It only seems to remind me how pointless my life is and always has been.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami your definitely not pointless ❤ you are sweet and kind and loving. It might seem like your life moves in directions you didn't originally want, and illness has changed things even further. But life is a precious gift, and so are you. Even if this life is not want we wanted, we can still make it great ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤
@Tinywhisper11
thank you. I have a deeper meaning behind that post. If I remember, I will add to it later.
@Tinywhisper11
I am still very aware that there are people like you here that care.
I have written a lot about myself, stretching across a lot of different topics/titles . I have forgotten most of those writings. I have forgotten most of the things in my past and forget regularly about the present things. I think I was to the point of using this place and my writings as a tool to help me remember myself, quite literally.
I read my reminder board when I have a major episode of memory loss and figure out how to get here and stumble through finding my writings. Reading them and realizing that they are about me. I am just putting the hint of ramblings as a search point on the board , including my username and 7 cups, with basic instructions to help get myself to this point.
As I read these things trying to figure out who i am, I realize that my life has been, is currently and always will be the same. Maybe I am better off never remembering.
What is the point of teaching and reteaching myself, over and over how miserable I truly am?
I could go on and on my thoughts on this but I don’t think I have said enough on this.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww honey I'm so sorry 😥 is it mental health that's making you loose your memory? Or is it a physical illness?
just try to remember how much people love and care about you here ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I think from what I gather from my own writings, that I have had a lot of concussions in my life and several years ago I had a pretty severe one. I have a dent in my skull from that one in particular. I am continually bumping my head in that area and the pain is extreme.
I had done a lot of research into this and came up with something they are researching but as of now can’t diagnose until the body is gone. Then they can slice the brain and see it. It is called CTE, Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, I had to relook it up, I forgot the name and the 3 letters.
If you are curious about it , I urge you to look into it. There is getting to be a lot of medical information about it online.
Unfortunately, I don’t qualify for too many live research studies. My history of concussions comes from everything but high contact sports, which is where the majority of studies are being concentrated on. The few that I have qualified for are too far away and require multiple trips, I don’t have the resources to do that.
One study involved treatment in a hyperbaric chamber. I’m extremely claustrophobic so even if I had the means, I couldn’t have gone through with it.
Anyway , this is the only thing that makes any sense concerning some of the things going on with me. I had shown my doctor some of this research I found and going off of that prescribed medication that is used to treat the symptoms, according to my records it helped enough to take the edge off of the symptoms.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami that's all really hard to hear, it's very sad I'm sorry sweetie 😥 do you have much help at home? I'm a resident here at a old folks nursing home, I'm only 23 but I get looked after really well here, so maybe there's a place kinda like that you can go to, if you don't have any help at home that is. I'm glad you found medication that helps a bit for you. It's amazing what they can do with media research now, but with the brain. I would imagine that's the hardest organ to work with😥 well you've inspired me today, I always try to remember to smile and look on the bright side of life cause there's always someone worse off. Reading what you just wrote, reminded me of that. Here you are courageously writing down your thoughts and journal your days, it's just remarkable the will to keep fighting and the strength you have to go through this and share it with us ❤ you are someone quite special, hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤
As I scroll through these pages, I find myself stopping on this short video of two people intertwining fingers, holding hands.
It triggers a longing deep inside for that actual feeling of love/friendship, that closeness with someone. I will never truly know that feeling but I find myself staring and longing.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
"Iam" - you're important, your life is important. Read here what the Bible says about you: "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." Genesis 1.27.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Very good and blessed friend Iam - you gave us the opportunity to use your threads for talking - you have blessed us so much!
Maybe it is your roots that are growing deeper - and you see no growth above the earth/soil. I don't know. You're deeply and for almost 2 years (using your thread) loved by us here.
This is the first thing I've ever read, where I could sense that someone else could possibly understand it. I'm rather speechless, but I want to thank you for making this thread.
@Tinywhisper11
No, I don’t have anyone. No friends or family. I don’t have the means to even consider a nursing home, or old folks home.
It’s not about the strength to keep going, at least for me. I lost that strength a long time ago. Nor is it about my repeated failures on quitting. I don’t know why I keep doing this day after day. Habit?
I appreciate the kind words and gestures. I truly do, for me they do touch a spot somewhere inside of me , even if it’s just momentary, they just are really temporary moments. Virtual hugs and all the kindness and caring here is wonderful. I just don’t know what that feels like in the off line world.
To be hugged by someone who actually cares, would that make me actually feel something?
Sorry, I really drifted off topic.
@Tinywhisper11
I just went back and reread your last messages to me and I wanted to also respond to something else you mentioned.
I don’t consider myself any worse off than anyone else. Everyone struggles, all those struggles are equally as important as well as equally distressing. No matter how fleeting or how long term those struggles are.
Yes, I long for caring people in my life. Yet the older I get the less I handle drama very well and I create enough on my own, much less dealing with others. I have been secluded from people in my personal life for so long, I don’t think I could handle someone else by my side.
That doesn’t stop me from thinking about it periodically .
@Iamwhoiamwhoami no your right it doesn't matter whos rich or who's poor, doesn't matter if you've had it easy or hard, or where you come from we all struggle and suffer the same ways ❤❤ but you are still a inspiration to us all ❤
I'm sorry you don't have people to care for you😥 I wish I could help you more. Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤squeezes you tightly
I wonder if it is better to experience these times of lucidity or to remain in the other realm. I stated my reasoning behind this in the writings just prior to this one.
Currently it is a struggle to care for myself. Granted, if I lost all lucidity, I wouldn’t have any say in anything, but there again, I wouldn’t know anything else.
The extreme downside is that my care would be pushed onto someone else that doesn’t deserve to be forced to care for someone like me.
Yes, people want to care for others in need. I just don’t feel someone like that should be burdened with my kind.
It’s out of my control anyway so it doesn’t really matter anyway.
Just like anything else I write here, my thoughts and beliefs don’t line up well with most other people’s thoughts on the subject.
I should stop for now
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I find it incredible that you express yourself this way. As it is. I find your words incredible, which you may not believe and I'm fine with that, but I'm serious.
Sometimes positivism doesn't help, sometimes it blinds our eyes. Many times honesty, even if it is uncomfortable, and contains shadows, even if it only comes from our not always objective perception, is much more powerful than all those encouraging phrases people post in the mornings, when the sun greets them from their windows.
And well, sometimes the sun doesn't even wave. It's the truth.
About relationships, I relate to what you say, isn't it a little unfair to go towards someone enlightened when we're a complete mess? I don't know if I say that because I've always had a hard time asking for help and letting the other person reach out to me. But it seems a bit selfish to me. For example right now I don't know much about what is right or wrong right now. What is moral or not. It's a nebulous aspect around me. I mean, right now I don't even know what my principles are. People want to connect deeply with someone who has the same principles as them, that's the kind of person they consider their friend or their partner. This idea makes me think that I'm not fit to have a really meaningful relationship with someone. How is it possible to let them love and care for you when you don't know how to care or love yourself?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
"Iam". I wish you didn't see yourself in such a negative way. See how worthy you are in Gods thoughts! If you were the only person on this earth - still God would save you and send His own son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for you and save you into His kingdom to have relationship with Him.
I don’t see it as seeing myself that way. I see it as I call it as I see it. Facts , facts , facts.
I have been this way for far too long to not be able to admit the truths about me.
I don’t fit in the scope of society’s system. What makes me tick obviously isn’t the same as the majority of everyone else.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
"Iam"
I take a chance in answering you here and please don't get mad at me (or you can be mad if it helps you lol). What are facts? Einstein said, everything is relative. The trees are green in the summer and brown/black in the winter.
Am I allowed to ask you; When is the first time you can remember that you didn' feel loved? I want that moment to be healed in/for you.