Ramblings 3

I keep coming back here to write more and have just kept staring at the screen. I look back at some of my prior writings and realize that even though this latest thing is new to me the baseline is the same miserable old story. Why do I continue to think that this is accomplishing anything.

I feel so trapped, I am at the lowest , darkest point mentally, I can’t even work, much less walk and I can do nothing but lie in bed and write here.trapped completely by my mind and I haven’t had many flickers , I don’t think so anyway, I don’t think I could really tell if I did.

I thought I felt worthless before, now I have been proven once again that I was wrong about that as well. I laid in bed until I was basically not feeling any back or leg pain then I went outside to throw a bag of garbage in my dumpster, about twenty feet and pain was back. Then proceeded to go to the mailbox another fifty feet and I was in agony. Managed to make it back to my vehicle before I dropped to the ground. I then grabbed my work computer bag out of my work vehicle and that put my pain on the rocket to space. Somehow I managed to make it back into the house.

I need to drive to the doctors in the morning to get insurance/ medical papers for work. I am not looking forward to that drive. This pain is too much and to intentionally make it come back is not something I am handling at all.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ohhhh! Driving in that much pain, is not the safest😕 please, please please becareful. And like soul said it's not selfish, it doesn't matter where we came from, it doesn't matter who's had it hard or who's had it easy, it doesn't matter if your rich or poor. We all struggle, we all suffer, we all feel the same ways as each other ❤ so never feel guilty about your feelings, or expressing yourself. I'm here for you always ❤ I love you for being you ❤

but I'm gonna worry about you driving to the doctors and back, I'll be keeping a eye out for when you check in here next, hoping and praying your safe ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤

My choices are extremely limited where I live. Either I do it or nobody does. If I was in a situation where I needed an ambulance/emergency squad, I’d still attempt to drive as far as I could because the cost is literally ridiculous. If insurance doesn’t cover then I am in financial trouble as soon as I am loaded in. The last time I had to get a lift to the hospital, I had no insurance, they only monitored blood pressure a nd the trip was only about 5 miles. The bill for that ambulance trip was near twenty thousand dollars.

This may be the travel method I am forced into but for now as long as I feel that it is safe in doing so I will be my own taxi.

I am thankful that you are concerned and I understand the concern. I am sure that I will be back here multiple times like I have been . I am in a situation where I can’t really move around much without being in extreme pain. I need to write here to try and keep myself from losing a complete grasp on something, I am in uncharted territory for me.

When my brain is functioning the thoughts are racing around, and I am forced to be in a position where working full time was able to kind of force my mind to distract a little from the struggles, my anxieties were extremely high and depression and related thoughts were still there but depending on the job I was doing, the overwhelming thoughts were somewhat muted.

This situation has forced me into a wall in whatever dark space I am currently in . I have always been forced to be self sufficient, but now I may be in a scenario where that is no longer the case. I’m lost, overwhelmed and I am suffering the consequences of pushing everyone away and thinking I am protecting them from the blackness that surrounds me.

I am just starting this latest ordeal and am flying blind so to speak. I am an old, independent (barely functioning, but still independent ) cranky , stubborn, lonely , person who has figured out how to get by without others most of the time. I far from comfortable asking for help, now I am in a situation where I need help desperately and don’t know what to do or where to start. My whole way of life is on the verge of a complete rewrite, which I was thinking it was going to be the brain flickering off first. I was wrong as usual.

I don’t handle change very well and it seems since my complete breakdown I have been dealing with changes constantly. Now to be faced with the fact my work may not be in my future. I went back to that job because that is the only somewhat stable thing I have.

My stubbornness is not helping me in this situation but trusting others is not in my wheelhouse either.

I think I may have wandered and rambled a bit as usual. I will stop for now.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I wish you were here in the nursing home with me, you'd like it here. Except for this tiny girl who would keep bugging you (that would be me)😁 it's not fair that you have to pay for health care 😥 it should be free to everyone world wide. I wish I could do more to help you, but my words are the best I can do🙁I'm still praying that they can fix your leg and spine, and that you'll be ok ❤ but I've also been praying that somehow you will be looked after properly. I understand not knowing what the future holds is so stressful so scary, I get scared about what the future holds for me too. Doctors haven't predicted great things, and safety is still a big concern. But what will be will be. Whatever happens, always remember someone here really loves and cares about you, and I always will ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

I think If that was a possibility I would probably like that. But be thankful that it’s not, you don’t need the darkness that I am surrounded in anywhere near your never ending light.

I would like nothing more than having you by my side. You are an inspiration to all.

I am ashamed of the way I feel about this latest situation but I am going to write it down here anyway.

If this situation continues to worsen to the point I am forced into a chair, I don’t think I can mentally handle it. My independence has been the only thing I really had left. Granted I am not handling that very well anymore but I was still able to struggle through and not have to rely on anyone else.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's very sad, and scary. But I will stay positive and hopeful for you ❤

Doctor called and asked me to go back and get a few more

x-rays. I went and for the entire drive over made sure I sat in a position that aggravated the pain so it was still prominent. I probably won’t know anything until tomorrow sometime. But I don’t think I will try driving internationally with this pain aggravated again. I still am feeling the effects.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami let me know how you are after the doctor calls ❤❤ try not to worry, to much. I know that's not easy to do. But well done for struggling through the pain to drive to the doctors and back, and safely ❤❤ 

latest x-rays showed nothing in leg. I am guessing that this latest thing originates in the spine?!?!. I forgot paperwork I needed for work and insurance at the doctors office. Plus I have a prescription I have to pick up for pain killer. Unfortunately the doctor is 20 + miles in one direction and the pharmacy is 25 miles the opposite direction. I am in extreme pain and basically bedridden for a week now and I’m not handling this extreme loss of freedom of mobility. Granted I was basically bedridden in my off time anyway, but that was not because of mobility and extreme pain issues. I’m really struggling with my body controlling me and adding all these limitations. I am not handling losing my independence very well. Yet , I still have to force myself to do things basically on a whim. My brain and the rest of my body are out of sync. There are things that I should be making decisions on with a rational decision. However I am going through this in a kind of fog. Being in this situation, is not getting easier with time. The feeling of being trapped is gradually increasing with every tick of the clock. Not having anything to distract my thoughts at all, not working, incapable of doing anything without the debilitating pain. I don’t like pills, and this prescription for pain meds concerns me a little bit. I’m desperate enough to do something to distract my thoughts that I am afraid that if this medication does anything at all to ease the pain that I would make the issue worse by doing things around the house. I am scare of what permanent damage I could do to my spine by doing something I shouldn’t.

Tired yet can’t sleep. Pretty much chained to the bed. I get myself out of bed, and then start walking, towards where doesn’t matter, but I make it a few steps ok maybe I make ten steps or so before the shooting/throbbing pains start. I try leaning against something, hoping that the pain will ease but mainly to try and stay upright.

I am wallowing in self pity, and I can’t seem to bury that or the pain. I feel extremely guilty about the fact I am spending so much time here writing all this self pity stuff. I already have a proven history here of self absorbed negativity.

This journaling or whatever you want to call these writings, is my only thing keeping my head somewhat out of the water.

I need to get a grip on this pain so I can shower and get the paperwork and medication picked up.

Next step is an MRI. Yippee….. another fun and exciting round of extreme claustrophobia.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami. I have known people who were very claustrophobic. Their doctors prescribed them a 1 time dose of a tranquilizer so that they could make it through the MRI. Maybe you could check with your doctor about this?

@adventurousBranch3786

They are checking into that. However I don’t have anyone to drive me home.

Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami.  What I might do in that situation is try to get a morning appointment so I could wait a few hours in the waiting room to let the effects wear off before driving home. Other options are more expensive one would be taking a ride share to and from the appointment.  Do any of these ideas sound plausible?

@adventurousBranch3786

That would be nice but unfortunately this hospital has overly strict policies on that . Any sedation requires a ride.

Ride share ? If I lived in the city possibly. It is what it is .

Thank you again for your input and support. I appreciate your suggestions. I’m unfortunately a difficult person to help, too many issues all working against me.

You are a blessing.

Took first pain killer, I think it has been a couple hours ago. It does make me a little drowsy, and maybe lightheaded but it isn’t touching the pain.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I know it's not much help but I'm keeping you in my thoughts. When do you go for the MRI? 

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you. Believe it or not, where I am at mentally and physically, as overwhelmed as I am, any writings received from people means a lot to me. You have kept in touch with me for a long time, I am grateful for that and more.

As for the MRI , I am impatiently awaiting a message from my doctors office. This is Thursday, right? Yeah, so even though I am dreading going through this again, I really hope it happens no later than tomorrow. I doubt that will happen, but I just want to expedite this process and have a better clue as to the future possibilities regarding this particular issue.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami No thank you necessary ok? It can make a good distraction coming here

@mytwistedsoul

I hope so too, if this is going to end up in spinal surgery I would rather sooner than later.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I know you were worried about it coming to that. If it stops the pain though that will be a positive. It just seemed to escalate so quickly

@mytwistedsoul

It escalated quickly this last week or so, but I ignored the pains prior because I have so many that If I went to the doctor for every one I would be labeled.. is hypochondriac the right word? I have learned to accept the pains as a type of punishment for the poor life led and if I can struggle through and mind over pain minimize it then I can keep living in my own world of darkness.

Had I not been stubborn this might not have become what it is.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami That is the right word. I know the doctors sometimes look at anyone who goes in because of pain alittle funny. So many of the wrong type of people looking for a fix and yeah if you went in all the time they don't want to take you seriously

Choices made by me continue to reinforce my failings. I don’t have self respect but I do have self awareness. Very aware that I am not prepared for whatever lies ahead for myself.

I don’t want to go back, I am afraid of the future, I am losing in the present.

I feel like I have been blindfolded and kicked around like a hacky sack in the dark until the cover fell off then discarded down the disposal. I know I will never “win”, but to just be able to have a grasp on what is happening and the ability to maintain and avoid the blows that seem to never stop.

My brain shutting off soon? Is a wheelchair in my future.? Is the ability to do my current job in flux? Is my complete independence gone? How do I navigate this situation and advocate for myself when I have no belief in myself?

I am trusting the friends I have been blessed with here. I’m trusting that they are trying extremely hard to understand and support me. Trust that they are attempting to help guide me through this difficult time.

Trust is nearly impossible for me to have in other people, I don’t trust myself so I don’t understand how I can trust anyone.

My life is in complete chaos right now. It never has been “stable “ but at least I was able to maintain however unsteadily for a few decades. I have struggled with way too many changes the last five years or so. I have never handled small changes very well much less the life changing ones that have been nicely gift wrapped and given to me. But to be turned around and around then having everything piece by piece pulled from me, I feel so helpless and I am unsure of literally everything .

I will stop for now, I am probably way off from my original thought.

I used to be able to manage pain without medication, other than Tylenol or advil . I worked through the pain and I suppose that also is how I maintained throughout life.

The last few years have proven what a complete wimp I have become. This latest addition literally brings me to my knees, quite literally. I tried getting up and walking to one end of my home, picking up a light box off a table and then walking it to the opposite end of my home. This was after taking pain medication. I made it about fifteen feet and the pain took hold and by the time I eventually made it to the other end I had tears in my eyes and shooting pains in my back, which are beginning to extend their hold farther up my back, my entire left leg throbbing and tingling, throbbing pains are starting a little in the right leg. Trying to stretch doesn’t help. Being stuck in bed controlled by pain is not helping either. How do others cope with this type of situation and make it through?

I am losing track of what day it is, time is passing so slowly. I have no drive but yet I am getting frustrated at not being able to work, I struggle to go outside and mow/trim weeds. Now I can’t do that at all. I am getting so frustrated with myself. I should be able to just buck up and go. Not stand up and cry out in agony.

Patience is not a virtue I currently possess. I am sure that I have stated several times in the last few days that I am completely overwhelmed both physically and mentally. I can’t state that enough right now. Completely lost, drained, trapped.

I humbly lay forth my extreme apologies for anything and everything that I have ever said or done and this is directed towards any and all I have offended or ticked off, directed towards the ones in charge of doling out my punishments for all my transgressions. I beg for forgiveness and mercy.

I am on my 3rd pain pill and I am extremely drowsy, and my pin is currently in lower back and left leg mainly knee area. But I have been laying down for about two hours. I think I took the pill a little early .

@Iamwhoiamwhoami how do people cope with constant pain, that is unbearable and mental health on top of that, well I'm not sure how others cope. But me I pray, I talk to God, just like you did in your one message ❤ I also spend a lot of time on this site. Supporting others and also using my humour to try make people smile and feel loved, makes me happy in return. Also I do a lot of art and crafts 😁 and even poetry lately. But here on this site helps the most, knowing someone hears you and cares, is sometimes all we need ❤

I don't know if your religious in any way, but honey from what I've read, you did nothing wrong to deserve any of this. And I believe God hears your cries for help ❤

spinal surgery is definitely scary, not knowing the outcome of all of this is definitely terrifying, but the doctors  know what they are doing, so please just try to put your trust in them ok?

as for the future, it's not worth thinking about until it happens. (Again that's easier said than done) but one day at a time ❤ I really really hope they hurry up and give you the mri scan. With stuff like this I would think it would be done as quickly as possible. And as from this moment on I'm holding your hand, when you need me just squeeze your hand and know that I'm squeezing back. So when your having the mrI scan, I'll be with you do you won't be so scared ❤

I'm no doctor, but try maybe using hot water bottle on the most painful part, walking and pushing yourself could do more damage, I know it's hard but try not to push yourself. And may be instead of lieing down constantly, sit up straight when you can, put your pillows against your wall/headboard that will help hopefully ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I reserve the right to fully respond a little later. For now I am just going to say Thank You. I am not very good with emojis or ??gifs?? Otherwise I would send you one, As I wrote that I realized that the only one that resonates the most for this moment is the ??gif?? Of the reaching out and holding hands, the black and white one. Thank you.

@Tinywhisper11

I have tried sitting, sitting up in bed, sitting in chair, even office chair and rolling stools. Up until last week, sitting actually helped immensely. Then it seemed like a switch was flipped and it all became unbearable. Sitting aggravates it, I even force myself while laying down to contort to some goofy positions that aggravate it but trying to stretch things a little and stay that way for a bit in hopes that this position will help stretch the pain away . I have a lower end adjustable bed and I have to keep the head elevated due to acid reflux issues, and I am trying to do what I can to get by yet the not knowing what is causing this I am scared of making it a lot worse than my stubbornness already has. Turn or twist the wrong way and then I push it past the point of no return.

I’m a little afraid to move too much , for the moment the pain is minimal, possibly resting for its next onslaught. Mainly a throbbing just above the left knee and towards the right side , a new place it has chosen, but I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth, It is enough to keep my mind very aware of it but not enough to make me scream in agony.

The recognition “awards” this community does is a great thing, but for myself I don’t remember a lot of things. I am so wrapped up in the blackness that I live in that when the opportunity arises for me to participate and nominate those who have been supportive and giving, I am unable to properly express myself in the way that they deserve. I am forced to try and scroll back through my writings and refresh my thoughts regarding these wonderful people. Listeners and members alike have reached out to me with support and encouragement, I try to express my genuine gratitude and let them know I am appreciative and grateful of them when they do reach out. I have failed to do so quite often and I feel ashamed of that.

Even though I am lost in my world of darkness, I read these messages that people send in response to my writings and they do reach me, and occasionally they strike something inside of me that I have no words for but It’s almost like I can feel those words. Doesn’t make sense but I can’t think of a better description. There is no magic cure or answers for my situation, I don’t expect any. But knowing that there are at least a few here that have managed to approach my darkness not allowing there bright illumination to be overshadowed and let me know I am not alone and that they are still here trying to help in the best way they can.

I consider those who have been there for me my heroes. I will never be able to truly express their importance to me.

Thank you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami you have alot of love in your heart, and you always let people know your thankful for their responses ❤ you got friends here, and friends who understand and care about you. ❤ I'm never gonna go anywhere, I don't care if you can't remember me. Cause I can remember you, my friend I love dearly. I hope the painkillers start helping you,  and I hope you can get some sleep through all the pain. Hugs you tightly ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I think this is the one ❤❤

Thank you….. ❤️

I forgot my doctors office isn’t open on Fridays. This is going to be an extremely long few days then still waiting Monday for news on MRI appointment.

So I’m guessing I will be continuing my ramblings at a similar pace to what I have been the last few days