Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
I can’t focus on anything today.
Laying here battling myself to get up and shower and go to work. The pain in my left leg is the topper right now..9 on the doctor scale. It is probably starting from a pinched nerve or something in the back. It conveniently has settled right above an old but frequently reminded of knee injury. Like most of my other aches and pains, it is a normal pain . Not sure anymore what is old or new , they are all just a fact of my life. The real joy is when my knee or knees give out completely and I am stuck on the floor until I can somehow drag myself up. I don’t know for sure how many times it has happened before, but with my memory issues I have to believe if it has happened recently it has happened in the past.
No worries, it is normal life for me.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi just wanted to check in on you ❤ how is your leg?? Are you doing ok?? Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤
@Tinywhisper11
At this point in my life, I don’t think that things get better. I think that I just get used to the added aches and pains.
Thanks for checking in.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤ keeps you in my prayers ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami just stopped by wanting to let you know how amazing you are ❤❤
Baggage mountain. Extremely old baggage. Ripped and torn. Contents leaking out. Trapped underneath. Getting swarmed by those contents, like a swarm of mosquitoes. Constantly getting bitten by them and losing a little bit of me with every bite they take.
I am so deep below and so weak. I truly don’t have the strength left. Day after day, the seconds feel like days the minutes seem like months, the hours — years.
so far below, yet every little thing that is added to the soil immediately takes root and those roots rapidly intertwine with the baggage and make there way into my life and ensure that I remain where I am.
I am who I am who am I? I suppose that name should go by the wayside because the reasons behind that name no longer matter. Who I am is this defeated, miserable, cranky, fat , old, guilt ridden, issue ridden, worthless, trapped, ugly (not just looks, but refers to the ugliness I am trapped underneath that has seeped into every fiber of my being), pain ridden, lonely, hermitized, etc, etc, etc,
I don’t know what the future will bring regarding me, nor does it truly matter anymore. There is an extremely long path walked through the darkness that I have traveled, I am sure if light was every shone on any or all of it it would have all kinds of tributaries, winding every which direction, but in the end ending not very far from where I started. In fact , probably directly below where I started , with that starting point being the peak of baggage mountain and that path , overgrown and overcrowded with baggage leading to where I am at the epicenter deep beneath that peak.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤ unfortunately many will follow that very same path😥 but you my friend, are beautiful in every way, I wish you were in better health, I think we have been great friends🙂❤ keeps you in my prayers, sends hope and hugs your way ❤
Thank you as always, I can only hope that those that are on my path or a parallel one that they rip the blinders off and see the bright light that people like you shine towards them and that they are led out of the darkness and find the love missing in their life so that healing can commence.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope I can help as many people I can ❤ I know your getting worse 😥 cause your not checking in so frequently. It does bring great sadness in my heart 😥 but rest assure you will always stay in my heart ❤ you touched/helped my life, with your strong will, and your kind heart dispite your pain, hugs you tightly ❤
I know that I have no real future. My struggles will continue. Things will get worse, until the point when either my brain shuts off completely or my body does. It’s only a matter of time. Continuing to try is futility. There is no “win” in my future.
I don’t remember how I ended up here at 7 cups. In fact there are times I don’t even remember what 7 cups is . But I somehow manage to find my way back here and for better or worse continue to write a little bit here and there to track my journey in my darkness.
Laying here in my usual misery and selfishness dreading the next 8 hours or so more than usual. Listening to the drunken nonsense and the idiocy of a couple neighbors that think that fireworks that make the loudest and longest booms are the reason for the season. Which of course means that they have replenished their supply for any other day they decide is a good time to set them off.
The current downpour will not deter their nonsense.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami happy 4th of July ❤ in the UK we celebrate bonfire night in November, every one sets of fireworks on that night, it's terrifying. I think there should be only certain places in each area that put on firework displays, you can go and watch. It would stop drunken *** like your neighbours. And prevent alot of accidents. Are you ok after last night's fireworks??
I want to say something to you before it’s too late and my brain short circuits completely.
Thank you for including me in the places you spread your beautiful sunshine on. Your kindness, love, and support that flows from you is amazing, and somehow has trickled through the darkness and worked its way through baggage mountain and has tapped my shoulder and let me know that even though I am trapped under all of my baggage, lonely, exhausted and fading, that I am not alone . That wonderful, beautiful people like you, who have suffered immensely yet still remain strong enough to spread their love to others.
There are several others here that this sentiment relates too as well, and they as well have tried to spread their love and support also. I apologize to them for not remembering their names. Otherwise I would mention them here. My memory is not very good anymore.
Thank you for being you. You are beautiful. I am thankful that you are a part of my life (even though it’s only my digital life).
I think I would have enjoyed a chance at a true friendship with you and the others I mentioned in the real world.
………Thank you………
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 🙂 reading that made me cry, but happy tears🙂 in my eyes you and others alike are my hero's, you are the ones who show me that whatever you gone through, and whatever your still going throug, don't hate on others, enjoy life as much as you can while you can. You taught me strength. And it's a honour to know someone like you and that I get to call you my friend ❤❤ I'll be here for you right till the end ❤❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤
Can’t focus on anything. Feel like I want to write something but have managed to stare at the screen for what seems like forever and not able to grasp much to put down.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
TW…
Deeper and deeper, darker and darker, backup power has failed. I think the only reason I continue at all is the ridiculous thing called responsibility. Paying bills, work, crawl under mountain, pay bills, work, crawl under mountain. It is suffocating and crushing. Strength to crawl is depleted.
Truly, what is the point/purpose of continuing this charade?
Loneliness is a fate that troubles me, yet I force myself to see the fact that I would probably fib to anyone who even remotely got close enough to me and keep my darkness hidden from them so I didn’t trouble them with my issues.
Too bad that the system is set up only for those people that can do everything in group settings.