Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤ unfortunately many will follow that very same path😥 but you my friend, are beautiful in every way, I wish you were in better health, I think we have been great friends🙂❤ keeps you in my prayers, sends hope and hugs your way ❤

Thank you as always, I can only hope that those that are on my path or a parallel one that they rip the blinders off and see the bright light that people like you shine towards them and that they are led out of the darkness and find the love missing in their life so that healing can commence.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope I can help as many people I can ❤ I know your getting worse 😥 cause your not checking in so frequently. It does bring great sadness in my heart 😥 but rest assure you will always stay in my heart ❤ you  touched/helped my life, with your strong will, and your kind heart dispite your pain, hugs you tightly ❤

You are beyond amazing. You are an inspiration to all.

I know that I have no real future. My struggles will continue. Things will get worse, until the point when either my brain shuts off completely or my body does. It’s only a matter of time. Continuing to try is futility. There is no “win” in my future.

I don’t remember how I ended up here at 7 cups. In fact there are times I don’t even remember what 7 cups is . But I somehow manage to find my way back here and for better or worse continue to write a little bit here and there to track my journey in my darkness.

Laying here in my usual misery and selfishness dreading the next 8 hours or so more than usual. Listening to the drunken nonsense and the idiocy of a couple neighbors that think that fireworks that make the loudest and longest booms are the reason for the season. Which of course means that they have replenished their supply for any other day they decide is a good time to set them off.

The current downpour will not deter their nonsense.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami happy 4th of July ❤ in the UK we celebrate bonfire night in November, every one sets of fireworks on that night, it's terrifying. I think there should be only certain places in each area that put on  firework displays, you can go and watch. It would stop drunken *** like your neighbours. And prevent alot of accidents. Are you ok after last night's fireworks??

I’m ok after last night’s revelry. I am just old and cranky.

I want to say something to you before it’s too late and my brain short circuits completely.

Thank you for including me in the places you spread your beautiful sunshine on. Your kindness, love, and support that flows from you is amazing, and somehow has trickled through the darkness and worked its way through baggage mountain and has tapped my shoulder and let me know that even though I am trapped under all of my baggage, lonely, exhausted and fading, that I am not alone . That wonderful, beautiful people like you, who have suffered immensely yet still remain strong enough to spread their love to others.

There are several others here that this sentiment relates too as well, and they as well have tried to spread their love and support also. I apologize to them for not remembering their names. Otherwise I would mention them here. My memory is not very good anymore.

Thank you for being you. You are beautiful. I am thankful that you are a part of my life (even though it’s only my digital life).

I think I would have enjoyed a chance at a true friendship with you and the others I mentioned in the real world.

………Thank you………

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 🙂 reading that made me cry, but happy tears🙂 in my eyes you and others alike are my hero's, you are the ones who show me that whatever you gone  through, and whatever your still going throug,  don't hate on others, enjoy life as much as you can while you can. You taught me strength. And it's a honour to know someone like you and that I get to call you my friend ❤❤ I'll be here for you right till the end ❤❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤

Can’t focus on anything. Feel like I want to write something but have managed to stare at the screen for what seems like forever and not able to grasp much to put down.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 

TW…

Deeper and deeper, darker and darker, backup power has failed. I think the only reason I continue at all is the ridiculous thing called responsibility. Paying bills, work, crawl under mountain, pay bills, work, crawl under mountain. It is suffocating and crushing. Strength to crawl is depleted.

Truly, what is the point/purpose of continuing this charade?

Loneliness is a fate that troubles me, yet I force myself to see the fact that I would probably fib to anyone who even remotely got close enough to me and keep my darkness hidden from them so I didn’t trouble them with my issues.

Too bad that the system is set up only for those people that can do everything in group settings.

Everyone you meet always asks if you have a career, are married or own a house; as if life was some kind of grocery list. But nobody ever asks if you are happy. - Heath Ledger

Once again, staring at the screen with so much I want to write down. I can’t focus enough to grasp a starting point. It has taken me nearly fifteen minutes to complete this.

Floodgates of my thoughts are jammed open again and I am drowning amongst them.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi sweetie ❤ you don't have to pretend around me, or anyone else on here. I love you for being you ❤ your not the only one who stares at the screen sometimes for ages trying to get your words out, I do that too sometimes😁❤ sends you rainbows of love 🌈🌈 and a giant tiny hug ❤❤

I am thankful that you spread so much caring and love around this community and manage to share some with me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 

I have wandered around in my darkness and find myself trapped in a strange room and all sides are seemingly closing in on me.

I don’t know how to escape this desperate feeling and get back to my normal despair.

This is not necessarily a new thing for me, though every time it corners me, the weaker I am against it. My supposed strength is completely drained. My will is no longer.

This year I feel like things are spiraling out of control around me and I

.. I can’t get back on my pitiful path I follow. I’m in a very strange yet very familiar place.

It is like I am a street mime, trapped in a very very small room, speaking without making a sound. Going through the motions, day after day, The quietest wheel that doesn’t get the grease.

Like the check engine light on a car that is always on and everyone ignores and it becomes a normal part of life.

I have built my mountain so that I am hidden in plain sight. I am not proud of what I built. It’s not the proper thing to do for someone who struggles like I do. But in order to accomplish the very minimum and just exist, it was a very necessary task.

My struggles are very real. Most people will never know how difficult it is for people like me to do the simplest of things. They see the shell and may catch a glimpse now and then of the misery lurking underneath but could never come close to truly understanding what is really going on.

Even those who have their own struggles can’t truly see what is lurking in someone else’s darkness. They can sympathize and they can relate, but we are all different in respects to how things affect us. The recipes for each of our experiences and whatever they trigger inside are all different.

I try and not make waves, not even a ripple. I am here trying to put into words that hopefully make sense. Words that maybe can be utilized, not interpreted, to maybe help understand the bottomless pit that mental issues are.

Maybe, giving a glimpse into my darkness would help with a little understanding of those who suffer in silence for a lifetime.

There is no cure for what I have. No medications have been effective, no counseling or treatment has phased it. I have taken little pieces of the things I’ve learned, and twisted them together to create my necessary method to survive.

The way I did things is not necessarily the right way, but when you live in the darkness and are surrounded by so much confusion and pressure. The constant uncertainty is overwhelming and choices have to be made. Not to live but to get through to the next breath.

Attempted to work today and ended up home due this stupid leg pain. Even sitting down doesn’t help anymore. Scheduled a dr appointment on Monday. This latest of things I tried to push the pain aside and struggle through as I always do. But I can barely manage to walk whenever this thing decides to trample my nerves.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami  Hey :) I was giving this some thought. Have you had this leg pain checked out before? Could it be sciatica? I mean it's just a shot in the dark but maybe? They have stretches you can do. If they help it would be information you could take to your doctor appointment and if they ease the pain that's a win right?

The link is Here 

That is a possibility. I have tried some stretching and what I have tried hasn’t helped. Now, any stretching I try seems to aggravate it. I will try and check out the link you attached. Maybe it will help ease the pain.

Thank you as always for your support and advice.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh that's no good if it aggravates it. It really sucks being in pain all the time. It makes everything else worse. I'm sorry you've been dealing with this. Hopefully there's alittle luck that one of these will help

You're welcome Iam. I really hope they can help

*sending you good vibes* 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami good luck with your doctor appointment, I hope they can do something to help you. Being in pain all the time, is so draining so hard to concentrate, it's just horrible. But hey if you need to use a wheelchair for a while, I'll race you😁 I'm gonna win though😂😂❤❤ sends you a sun beam, to lighten the darkness. And a big giant tiny hug ❤ to let you know you are loved

Thank you

Laying here once again, trying to grasp a thought or two to put down here. This latest addition of nearly constant leg pain has added another extreme weight that I no longer have the strength to deal with. I would rather have the doctor remove every appendage and organ that causes pain than continuing to suffer with it all. That includes those holding the roots of depression, anxieties, and anything else that causes pain.

Just trying to get out of bed and go to the bathroom is a struggle. I am overwhelmed trying to accomplish this basic task. I’m literally less than ten feet away.

I read some of the other writings and it makes me realize that I may be alone in the sense of no friends or family outside of here, but it has to be 1000 times worse to be have friends and family yet feeling alone. I am more than willing to share my history present and past regarding all my issues. Yet I have no true connection to that possibility outside of here. But to feel scared of judgement from those who supposedly love you and should try and support you regardless of what you are going through is just something I couldn’t handle.

Thinking about canceling the doctors appointment for Monday. What is one more debilitating pain anyway. I should just accept it as another punishment added on to my life. Granted I couldn’t continue my job. But what does it matter anyway. My destiny has been written, my choices throughout life have culminated into whatever one would choose to call this world of my own making.

I miss not being in the darkness 24/7. No, I can’t miss something that I don’t remember experiencing .

I’m not hungry yet I continue to eat. No wonder I am so fat.

overwhelmed, is such an understatement for my situation.

I know what needs to be done. I just don’t care. It is like there is a powerful force surrounding me and draining every bit of strength from me and using it against me.

With the weight of everything holding me down, it would be nice to say I had hope that things will change for the better. But I don’t have any left. Every time I build up a little hope, it is drained out of me by another struggle added on. I know there are millions of others who have it worse than me, but that doesn’t change how it has ground me into the bits and pieces that compose what is left of me.

every time I close my eyes and sleep for awhile they reopen and I am forced to continue. That’s not strength that’s just torture. Even when eyes are closed I am forced to suffer via whatever dreams/nightmares that may play on that screen in slumberland. I don’t trust my own memories anymore, I mess up recent memories so often that I probably mess up old ones too.

I remember a saying about how pain is a reminder that I am still alive. I want to unsubscribe from that reminder.

Ma I should stop writing here , I am an extremely negative person with no positive future. These writings can’t possibly be of any value to anyone. Even when I try and read through them after a brain episode I realize how miserable a person I really am and wonder why I even bother waking up. I think I have written something similar to this a time or two before but , seriously I think anyone who has had the courage to delve into my writings is a truly brave and special individual who has that something special that everyone should have.

Realistically, the fact that I am forever trapped inside this baggage mountain of my own making and will never be anybody that can be a positive influence on anyone is proof enough that I should take my darkness away and let all those here who have the light to shine, shine brightly.

I know my darkness and negativity that are at the center of my being don’t belong here. It doesn’t belong anywhere.

I don’t know how long I have been a part of this community, but being the one who will never be anything different in a place that is about positivity and progress is not a good fit.

There may be a couple of people here who might say that I should stay, but really? I am not sure journaling my constant negativity and struggles and the fact that I will never live in any kind of “light”, forever doomed to be punished writings should be part of a community like this.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami your not alone sweetie, I know 2 friends on this site, who's mental/physical health has beaten them down so much they don't think they can keep going. The one guy in the chatroom stays very quiet and just sends a sad face now and again. When I know he's there I give him a virtual hug, and try to talk to him even though I knew he won't answer back. The other guy has just lost all hope in everything, so when I see his comments I always answer in a way to make him smile and feel loved. And then there's you, you may be beaten down badly, but your comments and hearts you give to other posts, shows a lot of kindness in  you. And you got a friend in me and mytwistedsoul and I bet many others here to ❤ this site is for everyone including you ❤