Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤  I wish I could have your pain, so you wouldn't have to go through all this. I hope the doctor at least contacts you today. Well done for fighting through those dark thoughts, very proud of you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Hugs you back❤️

Thank you for using one of your wonderful wishes on me.

You’re deserving of everything love and happiness . I would

never wish any more pain to be placed on your shoulders.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm gonna go get ready to sit outside with Joshua(my son) and watch the sunrise ❤ I'll check in on you in a bit ❤

🤝❤️🤝❤️🤝❤️🤝

You both are in my thoughts…

@Tinywhisper11

I hope you’re doing well . I thought about the two of you quite a bit since your last message to me. I hope your time spent with him was filled with peace and love. I am squeezing your hand to remind you that I am still here by your side. ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm squeezing your hand too ❤ I've actually just got back inside about 20 minutes ago, it's 27degrees out there, and I think I've overdone it. I'm just gonna try distract myself here, try keep myself together ❤

any news from the doctor?? How's your thoughts been today?? I'm guessing the pain is still unbearable😥 thank you for showing me so much love and care in my time of need ❤ I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I am thankful that you’re still by my side. As far as the doctor is concerned, it is currently 7:20 AM where I am, Doctors office isn’t open yet. I am probably going to try and wait it out for a few hours before I think about calling them.

The pain is bearable if I don’t get up and move around. I still can’t believe I used the pain as a tool to out scream the thoughts. That was kind of dumb on my part. Yet , I probably would do it again unless there was something else that would work.

My thoughts are about the same, the one big difference is that you have been in them quite often, and for some reason, I can grasp onto those thoughts a little more easily, they sometimes do slip away, but if I can keep holding onto them, they help to calm the chaos for a little while.

You are very welcome. I will always be by your side, I am extremely grateful to you for sharing your love with me.

You are very special to me, I don’t know exactly what the words are that I am looking for, but it’s like in this vast emptiness and darkness that I live in there is a sense of comfort and peace, like a piece of something that was missing is now in place.

Due to my issues I struggle with, I am having a little bit of difficulty with one small part of our communications that I need you to try and understand.

You are overflowing with love and warmth. I on the other hand am overflowing with darkness, love is something I know nothing about in regards to how it feels,. That goes for feeling loved as well as loving someone else. Then the different types of love is a whole other thing. I am familiar with the concept but that is it. Love is something that is very important and should not be taken lightly.

I just am uncomfortable putting that word down here, because I don’t want to say it without knowing what I am saying…. My lack of experience with it plus I don’t have family or friends experiences to help guide me . I want our friendship to grow stronger and last for eternity. I do not want to lose your friendship. So, I am probably overthinking as usual, however I want you to try and understand and not be upset that I don’t put those words down here.

Maybe, your love is seeping into my darkness and this warmth is a part of that . But love is a very strong , powerful and important thing to me.

Until this moment, rereading what I just wrote, I didn’t realize how very true that statement is.

I need to stop for a bit.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami aww I understand ❤ love is a strong word. I love you dearly as a friend, but never expect anyone to say it in return🙂 if you like I can stop saying I love you too? I never want to make you feel uncomfortable ❤❤

Using pain to escape your thoughts is not the best method no😂 but I do understand, that mental health can be much worse than physical pain. So I get why you do that,  let me know if you get to speak to your doctor ❤❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

Please continue to say it if that is what you feel and believe. I don’t want to ever say things I don’t know or understand just because I feel I have to. I want to truly know what I’m saying, and why I’m saying it. I need your light to shine as bright, beautiful and warm as always. Reading that you love me does make me feel a warmth inside.

@Tinywhisper11

Please don’t ever change because of me, You are an important part of my life. Somehow, what you have shining brightly from your very core has made its way deep into my world of darkness and has made me feel warmth. I fear that if you tried to adjust or change that light’s intensity that I would be cold and lost forever.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤❤ I do believe what I say ❤ I'm sorry I'm not in a great place right now 🙁 I'll check back in on you in a bit ❤ please stay safe, the doctor opens soon, I really hope they do something, anything that will relieve this pain your in  ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤

❤️Hugs you back ❤️

@Tinywhisper11

❤️ I am here for you now and always ❤️

Finally heard something the Doctors office. No appointment yet. They were trying to figure out what location had the larger MRI machine that I needed the last time. They figured that out now trying to get appointment scheduled.

With all the noise in my head and the pain radiating throughout my body, I can only seem to grasp on to one thought . That thought is in regards to Tinywhisper11 and how she is doing right now.

The pain method is no longer working. Pain level increases too high too quickly. Now I’m getting serious headaches, migraine intensity, but it feels like it’s all around my head not in one general area

@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh no migraines are horrible🙁 I'm glad you heard from the doctor ❤ trying to find the biggest mri machine is very kind of them. I know it won't make much of a difference with your claustrophobia, but remember I'll be holding your hand the whole time ❤ I hope it's soon though, it's not fair to keep you waiting for something like this. Dont worry about me, I'm doing ok, apart from heatstroke😂😂 just one issue, the hospital they found to send you too, is it easy enough for you to travel too??

@Tinywhisper11

I think the migraines come from the pain. I think maybe if I quit pushing my very limited limits they should go away.

The last MRI I had the first machine they tried my shoulders and arms were actually just about rubbing . Panic attack started before I even started getting moved into the machine. I went into full panic as soon as arms brushed it.

Once I calmed down they contacted another location that has a larger machine, I am now told it’s a different style machine. What that means I have no idea.

I went to that one and the nurse put a cool damp towel or washcloth over my eyes and forehead and I still had a panic attack but was able to somewhat keep it in check until it was over.

As far as location. It is around 25 miles or so. If this can help find the issue and it leads to a start to a possible solution, then I will not worry about the pain suffered getting there. The question is can I avoid another panic attack.

I am thankful that you are doing ok, I care about you, I think worry is a part of that. ❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah hopefully oneday they will come up with a different machine design, cause even if your not claustrophobic, those things are scary. But your gonna be ok, cause this time I'll be holding you close to my heart keeping you safe ❤ ok 20 miles extra isn't to bad😕 let's just hope it's done as soon as possible. And thankyou for caring about me🙂❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤I love you ❤

❤️Hugs you right back❤️

Same struggles just a different day. The depression side of things seems to have taken the reins. It is normally very present but today, for whatever reason it wants control.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I always think pain contributes to it and makes it more pronounced. You've been hurting for a while now and having to wait for the doctors to schedule the MRI and then having things you need to do but struggle with because of the pain just adds to any frustration and feelings of defeat 😔

I keep coming back here with intentions of writing something, anything. But I just can’t. I stare at the screen, the only thing that I can manage to grasp on to is the words..why bother.

The pain in the left leg has stayed centered in the knee. There is still pain and numbness throughout but it is staying constant and intense in the knee. Back pain is consistent and mid level pain. I have been having trouble walking already but now every step is excruciating. If I don’t hear anything about appointment by tomorrow I think I’ll have to go to the ER.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami It sucks that they're taking so long with scheduling an appointment. I know it takes time but things seem to be getting worse and worse for you 😞

I was just notified that the MRI appointment is in two weeks. The earliest appointment available. I just can’t deal with this right now.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Omg! I'm sorry they didn't have anything sooner 😞

I suppose I don’t have a choice in this step either. I guess I go to the ER tomorrow.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 2 weeks 😮😮😮😮 that's shocking 😮😮 it's like they don't think this is a emergency, I'm a bit angry at that🙁 yes please go to ER, I think that's your only option right now. I'm so sorry sweetie 😥 please inform us as soon as you can, if your going to ER ok? Gives you the giantist tiny hug ever ❤❤

TW for pain and trauma

I decided not to go in. I keep remembering a traumatic event that happened there because I didn’t have somebody to drive me. The doctor tore a hole in my throat. I went in for food blockage in the throat. The doctor refused to sedate me because I didn’t have someone to drive me home. Also, refused to admit me into hospital. He forced the tool down my throat and my gag reflex kicked in and he continued resulting in tearing my throat. At that point I was admitted for a few days.

Recently found out these details were not put in the records.

Just laying here debating this I have had a few panic attacks. I

can’t put myself through the physical pain to go in plus be forced into the smaller machine not sedated. I may be better off waiting.

Still struggling with this decision, I think this is my only option for now. I am not sure what to do.

I had minimized my movements, stayed in bed, pains had all minimized dramatically. Took a quick shower and the pain is back with a vengeance.

If I went to ER what would it accomplish? I think more harm than good.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're probably right. Especially with the memories of that traumatic experience. Holy .... Thats crazy that they did that to you. You might just have to do alot of bed rest until you can make the appointment. Do the bare minimum if you can 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yep! I agree with soul. I don't think ER is worth it, or safe by the sounds of it 😕 just take it day by day now, knowing that every message is a little bit closer to your hospital appointment ❤ squeezes your hand, and hugs you tightly ❤❤ I'm right here for you ❤

I have tried to stay off here , Same nonsense different day. Still struggling with everything.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi ❤❤ sorry I haven't been here much the past couple of days. Are you managing to take it easy? And not over  push yourself?? Gives you a huuuggge hugg ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

I haven’t been here much either. I behaved myself for awhile then I got restless and I tried doing a few things. I’m not sure what the source of this is but I definitely have made it angry.

❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you in your time of need, I've had a few health issues of my own. 

gives you a huge hug ❤ I know it's not easy to just try and rest through the pain, mentally it's impossible. I wish there was a way to get around it🙁 it won't be too long now till you go for your mri scan ❤ your doing amazingly well, in so very proud of you ❤ how have you been the past couple of days?? Did the angry pain settle down at all?? Please just don't give up ok? I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

No apologies needed. Our struggles can take the reins at any given moment. As long as you are okay, that is what matters.

My pain is settling in for the long run. It is what it is. ❤️❤️