Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Actually I was referring to the findings of the x-rays being bad. In the past I’ve gotten most updates over the phone , some in office because follow up appointment already scheduled.
I just don’t trust my brain anymore, I have to reread things multiple times usually because I register words that aren’t there and I then misread a lot of things. Now trying to piece together the findings myself is really making me nervous/scared because one of those things listed something about fusing the spine together. I am probably overthinking but where I am at mentally it is impossible not to overthink it.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Idk if it helps but I usually have to reread things a number of times too and my brain adds words or takes them away and I just have a hard time comprehending what I'm reading.
@mytwistedsoul
@Tinywhisper11
thank you for your support and advice. It means a lot to me.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're welcome Iam. I just wish we could do for you 💙
Laying here in bed as usual, but in what normally is a very uncomfortable position (it’s still uncomfortable) because the pain in my leg and back is almost nonexistent this way.
Disappointing that I have to get up to use the bathroom and the pain will be back at the 10+ level shortly.
Muscle relaxer is not helping at all, doctor prescribed that and steroids and wants to wait 1-2 weeks to see if any improvement is made with this attempt.
That in itself is really pushing me to scream for help (on the inside) . I honestly can’t navigate the future on my own. With all I’m trying to handle, the decisions regarding job alone is something I can’t do much less figuring out the red tape of whatever I should do regarding disability or partial disability or anything else I need to do. Overwhelmed is just the icing on the cake, social anxiety, forgetfulness, and Inability to fully accept that I need help with all of this which means If I somehow manage to get someone to help me I will have to trust them completely.
My job requires full movement, and a lot of driving, well, that really doesn’t matter anymore because this latest addition is forcing me to give up a job that I have done for a long time.
I am far from confident that muscle relaxers and steroids are going to accomplish anything. If it does, at the most it will be a temporary bandaid. What they found on x-rays should take a lot more than that. One part of what they found discusses spinal surgery. Maybe I’m wrong in what I read, my brain has been a little less than perfect lately, but something that usually requires surgery to repair, is not solved by muscle relaxers and steroids. I’m have put more trust in this doctor than any doctors in the last couple decades, I think. Providing I continue with addressing this new pain, I am forced to trust the decision to wait and see.
I just need whatever happens to happen while I still have a job and insurance.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami so proud of you for going to the doctors ❤ it is all scary I understand that, but let's try not to freak out till you get the follow up appointment and hears what your doctor says, (easier said than done, I know) but whatever life throws at you, me and soul are here beside you every step of the way ❤❤ as for getting help and putting your trust in someone, yeah! That's hard, but I strongly believe there are many good people out there who just want what's best for you. Sends you giant hugs ❤❤ and keeps you in my prayers
Thank you. I will never understand how you can manage to read my miserable whinings. I am very appreciative that you do. I just don’t understand how or why people who have their own struggles can put forth so much positivity and love and support to so many including myself, who is always going to be the way I am.
I was thinking of a picture/video clip, that you sent with one of your responses to me and I hope that I never forget that particular one. It really got to me. I’m not one with emotions, but being as alone as I am, that particular one sent from someone as special as you really reached all the way through baggage mountain and touched me. The simple gesture of a true friend reaching out to hold my hand and let me know I am not alone.
The doctor did reach out and wants to wait and see what the muscle relaxer and steroids do. 1-2 weeks.
Thank you, Thank you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah I remember sending you the holding hand gif ❤❤ I read your messages because I care, that's what friends do. Also I like you just the way you are. I wish and pray for better things to come your way. But your a very honest, open person, and I respect that. I think I'm the same honest, and pretty open. It's a good quality to have ❤❤ ok well steroids and cream, for 2 weeks, will maybe be the answer, to the flare ups and pain. Let's just hope and pray for the best ❤ everything will be ok ❤ hugs you close to my heart and never let's you go ❤
I didn’t want to jinx anything but it didn’t matter anyway. I had gotten up and made my usual several nighttime trips to the bathroom and I had no major leg pain. Then the last trip ripped that shred of possibility away. I woke it up and it definitely wasn’t happy. And it made sure to let me know. Laid back down and took awhile to find a position that eased the pain a little.
I am so completely drained, mentally , physically, I can’t count emotionally because I’m lacking that, completely exhausted. I am clueless about what to do, what to expect, how to go about things. I am just …lost is the word coming to my tongue but that can’t be it because I have been lost my entire life. I could probably list a lot of words to truthfully describe me right now and most of them would be the same or similar ones that could describe me at any point throughout my life. None of them positive. There has to be a word or phrase that I could write here to describe the place I am in.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I describe that, when I'm in that place as.... Just wanting to curl up in a dark cave, away from everything, and everyone. And just be
@Iamwhoiamwhoami. There are urinals that men can use or bedside commodes for men/women that can lesson bathroom trips if you are in a lot of pain.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I have dealt with chronic pains , some mild some not so mild, even some that are crippling at times. However, this latest addition I can’t get a handle on, literally crippling pain and I can’t manage to block any of it out.
How much more must I be forced to endure?
That is a very selfish thing and I apologize to all those suffering worse than I. But unfortunately that is a part of who I am.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I don't think it's selfish at all. We all handle things differently. Everyone's pain tolerance is different and on top the pain you're already dealing with so much. It's unfair that you have so much to deal with. From what I read the steroids can take alittle to start to fight the inflammation which is probably why the doctor said a week or two. Depending on the dosage too. If it's adequate enough. I hope it starts to help you feel better
I keep coming back here to write more and have just kept staring at the screen. I look back at some of my prior writings and realize that even though this latest thing is new to me the baseline is the same miserable old story. Why do I continue to think that this is accomplishing anything.
I feel so trapped, I am at the lowest , darkest point mentally, I can’t even work, much less walk and I can do nothing but lie in bed and write here.trapped completely by my mind and I haven’t had many flickers , I don’t think so anyway, I don’t think I could really tell if I did.
I thought I felt worthless before, now I have been proven once again that I was wrong about that as well. I laid in bed until I was basically not feeling any back or leg pain then I went outside to throw a bag of garbage in my dumpster, about twenty feet and pain was back. Then proceeded to go to the mailbox another fifty feet and I was in agony. Managed to make it back to my vehicle before I dropped to the ground. I then grabbed my work computer bag out of my work vehicle and that put my pain on the rocket to space. Somehow I managed to make it back into the house.
I need to drive to the doctors in the morning to get insurance/ medical papers for work. I am not looking forward to that drive. This pain is too much and to intentionally make it come back is not something I am handling at all.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami ohhhh! Driving in that much pain, is not the safest😕 please, please please becareful. And like soul said it's not selfish, it doesn't matter where we came from, it doesn't matter who's had it hard or who's had it easy, it doesn't matter if your rich or poor. We all struggle, we all suffer, we all feel the same ways as each other ❤ so never feel guilty about your feelings, or expressing yourself. I'm here for you always ❤ I love you for being you ❤
but I'm gonna worry about you driving to the doctors and back, I'll be keeping a eye out for when you check in here next, hoping and praying your safe ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤
My choices are extremely limited where I live. Either I do it or nobody does. If I was in a situation where I needed an ambulance/emergency squad, I’d still attempt to drive as far as I could because the cost is literally ridiculous. If insurance doesn’t cover then I am in financial trouble as soon as I am loaded in. The last time I had to get a lift to the hospital, I had no insurance, they only monitored blood pressure a nd the trip was only about 5 miles. The bill for that ambulance trip was near twenty thousand dollars.
This may be the travel method I am forced into but for now as long as I feel that it is safe in doing so I will be my own taxi.
I am thankful that you are concerned and I understand the concern. I am sure that I will be back here multiple times like I have been . I am in a situation where I can’t really move around much without being in extreme pain. I need to write here to try and keep myself from losing a complete grasp on something, I am in uncharted territory for me.
When my brain is functioning the thoughts are racing around, and I am forced to be in a position where working full time was able to kind of force my mind to distract a little from the struggles, my anxieties were extremely high and depression and related thoughts were still there but depending on the job I was doing, the overwhelming thoughts were somewhat muted.
This situation has forced me into a wall in whatever dark space I am currently in . I have always been forced to be self sufficient, but now I may be in a scenario where that is no longer the case. I’m lost, overwhelmed and I am suffering the consequences of pushing everyone away and thinking I am protecting them from the blackness that surrounds me.
I am just starting this latest ordeal and am flying blind so to speak. I am an old, independent (barely functioning, but still independent ) cranky , stubborn, lonely , person who has figured out how to get by without others most of the time. I far from comfortable asking for help, now I am in a situation where I need help desperately and don’t know what to do or where to start. My whole way of life is on the verge of a complete rewrite, which I was thinking it was going to be the brain flickering off first. I was wrong as usual.
I don’t handle change very well and it seems since my complete breakdown I have been dealing with changes constantly. Now to be faced with the fact my work may not be in my future. I went back to that job because that is the only somewhat stable thing I have.
My stubbornness is not helping me in this situation but trusting others is not in my wheelhouse either.
I think I may have wandered and rambled a bit as usual. I will stop for now.
@Tinywhisper11
I think If that was a possibility I would probably like that. But be thankful that it’s not, you don’t need the darkness that I am surrounded in anywhere near your never ending light.
I would like nothing more than having you by my side. You are an inspiration to all.
I am ashamed of the way I feel about this latest situation but I am going to write it down here anyway.
If this situation continues to worsen to the point I am forced into a chair, I don’t think I can mentally handle it. My independence has been the only thing I really had left. Granted I am not handling that very well anymore but I was still able to struggle through and not have to rely on anyone else.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's very sad, and scary. But I will stay positive and hopeful for you ❤
