Ramblings 3

If it continues through Monday I definitely will. The pain medication, I told them because it is on the controlled substance list here. I don’t know the technicalities of the government watch of these but it is very much on record of my severe depression and long history related to that alone. I am trying not to distract from what needs addressing first. I also wanted it on record so hopefully I would retain that info so I definitely dispose of properly instead of self medicating and trying a higher dose and creating more issues I can’t handle. I think right now my list entails my writings here.

❤️ 🫵

Hopefully I used the emojis correctly

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I think deep down we're all hoping to have a happy and peaceful life. Too many things at once can muddle our thoughts for sure and I'm so sorry that your going through so much <3 I talked about hope and holding on cause I saw the strength you have kept despite the struggles, for me that's a sign that there's hope.

The shell that you build was still a part of you, something you created ^^ so in a way it was you that faced the world while protecting yourself. It always amazes me to see souls like you who hold on to their kindness no matter what life throws at them :) I hope with all my heart that the kindness you show to other reach back to you tenfold.

@Tinywhisper11

I don’t ever want to say anything to upset you or talk about anything that upsets you. I only ask that you let me know if I ever do. My overthinking and desire to be as open here as allowed , plus my thoughts the way they are I ramble and drift.

I am in new territory in this friendship with you and I don’t want to lose it for any reason.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami don't worry if you ever offend me, I'll tell you ❤❤ but even if you ever do I would no it's not meant intentionally, and I'd still be right here with you ❤❤ forever and ever, like a octopus stuck on your face😂😂 

numbness is spreading sporadically in both legs, no rhyme or reason. At least it prolongs the onset of the pain a little. I am sure that is not a good thing in the big picture but at least I can be on my feet a few seconds longer with extreme pain at a minimum.

once the pain takes over the numbness either goes away or is not noticeable beneath the pain.

If it goes to the extreme of completely losing freedom of mobility, I think I can accept that but I don’t think I can handle the complete package. Mobility has been the only thing that has repeatedly helped with dulling the sharpness of my thoughts.

The friends that have found me help me with that and more. But away from here , completely alone and left to my own thoughts and methods, they have no way to help.

My reliance on this community is literally my lifeline. My ability to put in writing my thoughts and feelings plus what I am currently experiencing . It can be extremely difficult to try and check over my writings before I send them here. I try and avoid anything that might be triggering. I have now gotten a little confused in my thoughts, I can’t focus at all.

I feel like I have no say in anything anymore. I have lost all confidence in my ability to make reasonable decisions. The temptation to completely give in and give up is overwhelming

To turn off everything and just lay here and let whatever happens happen. To say I have had all I can take. To just disassociate from everything and wither away. Like dust in the wind.

My brain is still halfway plodding along, and with the barrage of defeat that keeps getting poured over me , I have swallowed enough mouthfuls of that defeat. I am lost in every sense of the word. I try and grasp hold of the hands that are trying to reach out to me from here and I can’t seem to hold on.

I don’t know anymore.

The problem with giving up is that I am then proving what a complete failure I am by not being strong enough to reach out and hold onto those few that are really trying to help.

The question is why continue to reach out and hold on to them? The results still include the same things, It only tells me I’m holding on because I enjoy being miserable. The darkness that envelops my entire existence is intertwined with everything me. I fear that darkness infecting those that try and help me. My instinct is to keep everyone safe from this all consuming darkness. I can’t describe this darkness in terms that will make anyone understand. I experience its wrath every second of every day. The torment it creates is complete, meaning it has no boundaries, it infests every pore. The war raging inside me for as long as it has , needs to end sometime. I don’t know what anyone else is truly going through , and I can’t imagine what torment if any they experience, but knowing what I know about my dealings with this blackness, I don’t want anyone else to ever experience its wrath.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm here as a friend who will never let go of your hand or heart ❤ I understand your worries about bringing me and others here into the darkness too. But with me never worry, no one could ever dampen my spirit ❤ this is your place to be you, the you I love ❤❤ I understand the feeling of just overpowering feeling of just wanting to give up. In those times continue to reach out here ❤ I also tell myself you never know what is waiting just around the corner for you. Hugs you tightly ❤

It is getting near impossible to find a position that eases the pain. At times I wonder if it would be better if they just amputated my legs to get rid of the pain.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hey! Then we'll be twins ❤ it's a scary thought to have though, bless you ❤

@Tinywhisper11 I gotta go ❤ I'll read the rest in a bit ❤ I love you

Twins… then I can easily say you got all the good genes. I got the scraps.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂 we would look like this 

I called around to try and find someone to mow yard and trim weeds/trees. Cheapest phone quote was minimum of 200 dollars. Mow around the house on a riding mower half an hour maybe a little longer the taller it is. Trimming weeds possibly around 45 minutes. I scheduled them then called them back and cancelled. The downside to small town living. Reality is I would just need an able and willing person, The mower is sitting there , I have gas cans with gas in them, I have battery powered weed trimmer, plenty of line and batteries.

I am sure they all didn’t want or need the job so they were pricing high to get me to refuse to hire.

That was definitely a little distraction from thoughts. Not from the pain but from thoughts. It was a complete waste of time but I seem to have nothing but currently.

This complete helpless feeling . It is not anything about it normal for me. I have always maintained on my own, not saying it was good or bad, I just struggled through and pulled myself to “safe” territory . I can barely rely on myself, yet I am being forced to trust and rely on others which is not in my nature either. I’m on unstable ground now, I don’t know the terrain at all. I am out of my element, I don’t know how to handle this much change at once. This is utter chaos. Anxiety is barely being held below panic mode. Too many levels of thought at once, The way things were progressing, I was sure that my brain would have shut down and anything like this that may or may not happen would be completely irrelevant.

Now, out of nowhere, I am in a scenario I was not remotely prepared for. A scenario involving trusting in others, involving me changing too many habits that have gotten me through in the past.

What happens when Monday comes? Besides anxiety peaking all day. I am the only one who is freaking out about this. Doctors are supposed to stay extremely calm and not get wound up. I am ok with that, I understand that. The longer this stretches out without any realistic evidence or proof of what the heck is happening to me , the sharper the edge I am balancing on becomes. Like balancing on a single strand of wire over an endless abyss, and that wire separates the two halves of the abyss. One side is the one I’ve lived in forever, the other is a new unexplored section of it .

I want to be able to just let go and easily accept whatever happens. To be like everyone else, speaking up and advocating for myself. But, reality isn’t that way.

I don’t like admitting I need anything from anyone. I fend for myself. I live in the shadows, I hide where I can’t be found. I let fear and misguided beliefs lead my life. At this point in my life, to change everything in the manner it appears it’s going to is gut wrenching.

In amongst this debacle, I do try to see something, anything positive. To be able to start getting some kind of better foundation underneath me. I am unable to do that.. This darkness I have built my shelter in has been my safe haven, and it feels like someone came in and destroyed it, invaded and desecrated my safe home. Then threw me in the ditch. I feel exposed and I don’t have any clue how to do anything, even to find shelter. I feel so beaten and exhausted.

One by one like pick up sticks the structure that I built to protect me has been picked apart and destroyed. Left in a new darker place trembling and cold.

I am so frustrated with my inability to do anything. Without causing extreme agony. My frustration level is as high as my anxiety levels. My inability to ignore this pain and do whatever I feel needs to be done, is not in my nature. Sitting on the toilet is extremely painful back and left leg is what goes into orbit, there is pain in the right but the rest of it takes 1st place. Then I have to stand back up and get to the bed. My home is not set up for this situation. I don’t have grab bars or a chair in the shower or anything like that. I have a lot of stuff piled around that needs put away so wheelchair is not an option. Though right now, I think a chair would be more of a hindrance than a helpful tool. I have roughly ten feet to the toilet from my bed, and the bathroom is relatively small. So logically thinking. It will probably not save me any pain, and the aggravation of getting in and out by myself then in and out again for a distance that short would be equal to crawling or dragging myself from one to the other.

I just learned something else I don’t like about this situation. When I sneeze I experience this pain on a whole new level, and it’s even more fun when I can’t stop sneezing.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah sneezing hurts bad, just be thankful you don't  have a cold right now, coughing is unbearable😁 it's really hard to keep going through this alone, it's very sad, I wish I had a way to make things easier for you. Just one day from monday, your doing really well, hopefully tommorow now you will hear from your doctor ❤ I'm right here for you ❤❤ 

Tried searching on the initial findings, just what the x-rays shown on the first set. Next step to try would be steroid injections, and possibly physical therapy, there probably was a couple other things but I forgot already. This seems to be more for slight to moderate pain.

I definitely classify my pain level at severe on the low end.

I am scared that due to the dance with insurance that I will have to endure this pain and noninvasive treatment, just to try.

If surgery is needed, I would rather endure it now than suffering for politics of insurance and trying other methods.

Even though I had the leg pain that was mid thigh to knee, varying in pain intensity and was fairly consistent for quite awhile and I ignored it because I have aches and pains all over, one more is not an issue. The sudden increase and rapid debilitating pain along with back pain, numbness and tingling progressing to both legs but a majority of the left leg.The increase in time it takes for pain to decrease, I don’t want to be put through the torture of enduring this any longer.

I need relief from this pain, Everything I struggle with is turned up to near maximum levels. It is difficult enough when just a couple of my issues max out together, for example depression and social anxiety. I managed that combo for years, probably not as well as I thought but still managed.

Trying to manage the mental aspects to avoid physical reactions while body is screaming at maximum is currently impossible. My ability to focus has been slipping away for quite awhile. This added ordeal is the straw that makes the weight unbearable.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm so sorry sweetie 😥 your going through so much, bless you. When pain levels hit you that bad, it is sooo hard to concentrate on anything else, it's just so draining on every physical and mental aspect😥 I hope whatever the doctors decide to do, works really well, and really quickly. Hugs you gently, your always in my thoughts and prayers ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

I have tried to avoid writing here for the last …actually I am not sure how many hours it has been. I have written quite a bit the last week of so and probably mainly the same things over and over. I have laid in bed , flopping around like a fish out of water, trying to endure the pain, I also let the extreme darkness envelop me and while it ravaged my mental side I let the pain have its way with me as well. So, needless to say, my sleep was 10 times worse than usual. Sleep for 10-15 minutes , wake up. Come here, start to write a little, erase if I even was able to put anything down, sleep for a few , wake up , again and again. Not sure if I had any dreams/nightmares.

I don’t truly know what you experience on a daily basis, nor could I ever truly know how it affects you. This latest addition to my collection has made me aware of a lot of things that I never imagined I would experience, at least while my brain was still flipped on. I have no clue as to what lies ahead, and with what has been happening recently. I am guessing that my recent experience isn’t enough for me to say that I can relate, that would be a major mistake . I am constantly amazed that you are willing to keep coming back to my writings and commenting on some of them. I am constantly worried about how my writings actually affect you. I am selfish in a lot of my feelings and how that comes out in my writings is selfish as well.

I pose a question for you, however if you asked me that same question right now I would start rewriting what I have been recently.

How are you? Are you happy? I don’t expect an answer, though I would like to know.

This stems from something I heard/read that was actually part of a quote from someone that was overwhelmed, (I think they) died young, and was a little famous. I think they were 100% correct

People ask a lot of questions about/to you, but they never ask if you’re happy.

That is far from the wording but the message behind it is the same. I don’t ask questions like that here or in daily life. I am so wrapped up inside my own darkness and issues and I don’t have much of anything in regards to true social abilities. I have s as tendency to forget that those who reach out here are human too.

@Tinywhisper11

This may not be my place and I hope I am not overstepping.

I stumbled upon your writings in the trauma support room. I am here for you, if you need to vent or discuss anything I am here. I will listen to anything you need to say. Please, use me if you need to.

@Tinywhisper11

I am here for you…and so are countless others .

🤝❤️‍🩹🤝

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ❤🙂 your amazing I hope you know that, you probably don't so I'm telling you know your amazing  ❤ am I happy? Yes I am, I love my life now😁 I lived a life in captivity, I belonged to a bad group of people who used me as a sex slave, and torture was a huge part of it.  But I was rescued when I was 18 years old. I spent months in hospital recovering and having surgerys, trying to understand what was happening. I'm 23 years old now, I live in a different country under government protection.  The bad people made me disabled. But now I live without frar, I've learnt everything theese past few years including how to use the internet. I didn't know music exsisted, or what a bird was. I'm discovering a world now and I see that I'm surrounded by beauty and magic😁 ❤ I love life, I really do. So when I hear you write here, I want to just hug you forever and ever, cause I've been there, where you are now. But I got through it, I know you don't like change, but change saved my life. I wish there was a way I could save you. But the only thing I can do, is be your friend till the very end ❤

@Tinywhisper11 damn it I always forget! Trigger warning for message above

@Iamwhoiamwhoami and yes my sons birthday in 2 days ❤ he will be 13 years old🙂 the whole month just stirs up bad memories, it's a difficult time for me. But just like you do, I use cups as a mental distraction ❤ I am really sad today, but I'll be ok ❤ thanks sweetie ❤

@Tinywhisper11 and your definetly not selfish, this is your safe place to express yourself.  Never hold back for anyone, your feelings your struggles are very real, if I couldn't handle it, I wouldn't be here reading and trying to be a friend to you ❤ hugs you tightly ❤

I’m not good at them but I want to give you the warmest and soothing of hugs. To soak up your tears and be there for you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's ok you just stand there I'll hug you 🙂

@Tinywhisper11

That particular picture there is actually a fairly accurate depiction of how I react to someone trying to hug me. I guess it’s got to do with my pushing everyone away and hiding from everything.

The company I work for moved out of their original town earlier this year. There’s a gas station that serves some hot food there as well. I, like a few others frequented this place for years, it was the only place around for food and fuel. I rarely said anything to the people there. I kept to myself. When the time came that signaled the daily stops were ending the one lady there came up to me rather quickly and embraced me in a big scary hug. ( I was scared of being touched, she wasn’t scary) but I think the reaction I had in that moment was almost exactly what the one above had.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂awwww ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami. @Tinywhisper11

Joins in giving hugs

@adventurousBranch3786 yaaaaay ❤❤ group hug ❤❤

@Tinywhisper

I also have reached my daily limit of upvotes on your posts, I didn’t realize there is a limit.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami haha! Yep there's a limit for each day😁 I've used mine up a few times ❤