Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
overwhelmed, is such an understatement for my situation.
I know what needs to be done. I just don’t care. It is like there is a powerful force surrounding me and draining every bit of strength from me and using it against me.
With the weight of everything holding me down, it would be nice to say I had hope that things will change for the better. But I don’t have any left. Every time I build up a little hope, it is drained out of me by another struggle added on. I know there are millions of others who have it worse than me, but that doesn’t change how it has ground me into the bits and pieces that compose what is left of me.
every time I close my eyes and sleep for awhile they reopen and I am forced to continue. That’s not strength that’s just torture. Even when eyes are closed I am forced to suffer via whatever dreams/nightmares that may play on that screen in slumberland. I don’t trust my own memories anymore, I mess up recent memories so often that I probably mess up old ones too.
I remember a saying about how pain is a reminder that I am still alive. I want to unsubscribe from that reminder.
Ma I should stop writing here , I am an extremely negative person with no positive future. These writings can’t possibly be of any value to anyone. Even when I try and read through them after a brain episode I realize how miserable a person I really am and wonder why I even bother waking up. I think I have written something similar to this a time or two before but , seriously I think anyone who has had the courage to delve into my writings is a truly brave and special individual who has that something special that everyone should have.
Realistically, the fact that I am forever trapped inside this baggage mountain of my own making and will never be anybody that can be a positive influence on anyone is proof enough that I should take my darkness away and let all those here who have the light to shine, shine brightly.
I know my darkness and negativity that are at the center of my being don’t belong here. It doesn’t belong anywhere.
I don’t know how long I have been a part of this community, but being the one who will never be anything different in a place that is about positivity and progress is not a good fit.
There may be a couple of people here who might say that I should stay, but really? I am not sure journaling my constant negativity and struggles and the fact that I will never live in any kind of “light”, forever doomed to be punished writings should be part of a community like this.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami your not alone sweetie, I know 2 friends on this site, who's mental/physical health has beaten them down so much they don't think they can keep going. The one guy in the chatroom stays very quiet and just sends a sad face now and again. When I know he's there I give him a virtual hug, and try to talk to him even though I knew he won't answer back. The other guy has just lost all hope in everything, so when I see his comments I always answer in a way to make him smile and feel loved. And then there's you, you may be beaten down badly, but your comments and hearts you give to other posts, shows a lot of kindness in you. And you got a friend in me and mytwistedsoul and I bet many others here to ❤ this site is for everyone including you ❤
@Tinywhisper11 try and force yourself to go to the doctors on monday ok? It's worth a shot ❤ also eating lots is not a bad thing, you only live once. Plus out bodies are made up of like 80% water, so your not fat just hydrated af😂😂😂 ❤ hugs you tightly ❤
TW ….about death and dying.
Laying here and drifted to sleep and I started to wake up , I think, it felt like I was … drifting away? This happened a couple times. Maybe my punishment is nearly over and my last breath is near.
It may seem..well I am not sure what word I am struggling to think of.
I do have a fear of dying though. If there is something along the lines of life after, or reincarnation or heaven/***. I don’t want anymore after what this life has dished out.
I just want it to end. I am nearing the half century mark of misery.
I just checked the online scheduling for my appointment tomorrow, I was still debating on canceling, but for some reason the reason for visit was marked as follow up appointment, when I specifically said severe leg pain.
No wonder I don’t think that this appointment will help anything.