Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Doctor called and asked me to go back and get a few more
x-rays. I went and for the entire drive over made sure I sat in a position that aggravated the pain so it was still prominent. I probably won’t know anything until tomorrow sometime. But I don’t think I will try driving internationally with this pain aggravated again. I still am feeling the effects.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami let me know how you are after the doctor calls ❤❤ try not to worry, to much. I know that's not easy to do. But well done for struggling through the pain to drive to the doctors and back, and safely ❤❤
latest x-rays showed nothing in leg. I am guessing that this latest thing originates in the spine?!?!. I forgot paperwork I needed for work and insurance at the doctors office. Plus I have a prescription I have to pick up for pain killer. Unfortunately the doctor is 20 + miles in one direction and the pharmacy is 25 miles the opposite direction. I am in extreme pain and basically bedridden for a week now and I’m not handling this extreme loss of freedom of mobility. Granted I was basically bedridden in my off time anyway, but that was not because of mobility and extreme pain issues. I’m really struggling with my body controlling me and adding all these limitations. I am not handling losing my independence very well. Yet , I still have to force myself to do things basically on a whim. My brain and the rest of my body are out of sync. There are things that I should be making decisions on with a rational decision. However I am going through this in a kind of fog. Being in this situation, is not getting easier with time. The feeling of being trapped is gradually increasing with every tick of the clock. Not having anything to distract my thoughts at all, not working, incapable of doing anything without the debilitating pain. I don’t like pills, and this prescription for pain meds concerns me a little bit. I’m desperate enough to do something to distract my thoughts that I am afraid that if this medication does anything at all to ease the pain that I would make the issue worse by doing things around the house. I am scare of what permanent damage I could do to my spine by doing something I shouldn’t.
Tired yet can’t sleep. Pretty much chained to the bed. I get myself out of bed, and then start walking, towards where doesn’t matter, but I make it a few steps ok maybe I make ten steps or so before the shooting/throbbing pains start. I try leaning against something, hoping that the pain will ease but mainly to try and stay upright.
I am wallowing in self pity, and I can’t seem to bury that or the pain. I feel extremely guilty about the fact I am spending so much time here writing all this self pity stuff. I already have a proven history here of self absorbed negativity.
This journaling or whatever you want to call these writings, is my only thing keeping my head somewhat out of the water.
Next step is an MRI. Yippee….. another fun and exciting round of extreme claustrophobia.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami. I have known people who were very claustrophobic. Their doctors prescribed them a 1 time dose of a tranquilizer so that they could make it through the MRI. Maybe you could check with your doctor about this?
@adventurousBranch3786
They are checking into that. However I don’t have anyone to drive me home.
Thank you
@Iamwhoiamwhoami. What I might do in that situation is try to get a morning appointment so I could wait a few hours in the waiting room to let the effects wear off before driving home. Other options are more expensive one would be taking a ride share to and from the appointment. Do any of these ideas sound plausible?
@adventurousBranch3786
That would be nice but unfortunately this hospital has overly strict policies on that . Any sedation requires a ride.
Ride share ? If I lived in the city possibly. It is what it is .
Thank you again for your input and support. I appreciate your suggestions. I’m unfortunately a difficult person to help, too many issues all working against me.
You are a blessing.
Took first pain killer, I think it has been a couple hours ago. It does make me a little drowsy, and maybe lightheaded but it isn’t touching the pain.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I know it's not much help but I'm keeping you in my thoughts. When do you go for the MRI?
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you. Believe it or not, where I am at mentally and physically, as overwhelmed as I am, any writings received from people means a lot to me. You have kept in touch with me for a long time, I am grateful for that and more.
As for the MRI , I am impatiently awaiting a message from my doctors office. This is Thursday, right? Yeah, so even though I am dreading going through this again, I really hope it happens no later than tomorrow. I doubt that will happen, but I just want to expedite this process and have a better clue as to the future possibilities regarding this particular issue.
Choices made by me continue to reinforce my failings. I don’t have self respect but I do have self awareness. Very aware that I am not prepared for whatever lies ahead for myself.
I don’t want to go back, I am afraid of the future, I am losing in the present.
I feel like I have been blindfolded and kicked around like a hacky sack in the dark until the cover fell off then discarded down the disposal. I know I will never “win”, but to just be able to have a grasp on what is happening and the ability to maintain and avoid the blows that seem to never stop.
My brain shutting off soon? Is a wheelchair in my future.? Is the ability to do my current job in flux? Is my complete independence gone? How do I navigate this situation and advocate for myself when I have no belief in myself?
I am trusting the friends I have been blessed with here. I’m trusting that they are trying extremely hard to understand and support me. Trust that they are attempting to help guide me through this difficult time.
Trust is nearly impossible for me to have in other people, I don’t trust myself so I don’t understand how I can trust anyone.
My life is in complete chaos right now. It never has been “stable “ but at least I was able to maintain however unsteadily for a few decades. I have struggled with way too many changes the last five years or so. I have never handled small changes very well much less the life changing ones that have been nicely gift wrapped and given to me. But to be turned around and around then having everything piece by piece pulled from me, I feel so helpless and I am unsure of literally everything .
I will stop for now, I am probably way off from my original thought.
I used to be able to manage pain without medication, other than Tylenol or advil . I worked through the pain and I suppose that also is how I maintained throughout life.
The last few years have proven what a complete wimp I have become. This latest addition literally brings me to my knees, quite literally. I tried getting up and walking to one end of my home, picking up a light box off a table and then walking it to the opposite end of my home. This was after taking pain medication. I made it about fifteen feet and the pain took hold and by the time I eventually made it to the other end I had tears in my eyes and shooting pains in my back, which are beginning to extend their hold farther up my back, my entire left leg throbbing and tingling, throbbing pains are starting a little in the right leg. Trying to stretch doesn’t help. Being stuck in bed controlled by pain is not helping either. How do others cope with this type of situation and make it through?
I am losing track of what day it is, time is passing so slowly. I have no drive but yet I am getting frustrated at not being able to work, I struggle to go outside and mow/trim weeds. Now I can’t do that at all. I am getting so frustrated with myself. I should be able to just buck up and go. Not stand up and cry out in agony.
Patience is not a virtue I currently possess. I am sure that I have stated several times in the last few days that I am completely overwhelmed both physically and mentally. I can’t state that enough right now. Completely lost, drained, trapped.
