Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
But, whatever. I know it is what it is. It may happen today, tomorrow next week or next year. It will happen, my brain flickers will turn into brain sections completely shorting out. Either one by one or all at once.
I’m sure I should have plans for that. But I am done with planning for anything. I never accomplish anything that I plan.
That is irresponsible of me and I don’t care. I have been responsible all my life and what has it accomplished.
Yes I’m throwing a self pity party. I’m good at that. See, I am good at something.
Still can’t focus, but I’m going to try and add to my whining.
I know I am not living, I am not even surviving or just existing anymore. Not sure what to call it but it seems like I have accepted reality and am just wasting oxygen until it’s over.
I’m sure everyone has their suggestions as to who, what, why, when, where and how.
Reality is that my options are extremely limited if not non-existent. I’m not close enough to bigger city for help options, and even if I was I tried that direction before and the main thing, in fact at the center of all options is group this and group that.
I can’t do that, I have tried and it doesn’t work for me. Group settings are a massive trigger and my trying to get under control enough to even be there is beyond overwhelming and exhausting.
No in person support can possibly help anymore. I have completely given in to the facts. I want what I can’t have no more. What is coming I deserve.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami You don't deserve the things you're dealing with and you don't deserve what's coming. If in person things are hard or impossible what about online? You could hire someone through Angie's to do your yard. You might not even have to talk to them at all or anything face to face
I erased my reminder board. At least all the info about here. I think what I wrote earlier holds a lot of reality in it. If I let the memories go and stop trying to remember, maybe I will not be burdened so heavily. Not remembering my depression, social anxiety, claustrophobia, etc., etc., etc. . Granted not remembering my name or anything else probably goes along with that but maybe the misery would be gone.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami don't give up😥
❤❤ You are loved ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
I understand why you think I am giving up, and in the grand scheme of things maybe I am. However, I look at it as giving in, compromising. My mind, memories, whatever you want to call them, is failing at a fairly rapid pace. At least for me it seems that way. I am just not sure fighting against a certainty is the best strategy, considering the one possible benefit is ridding myself of the things that have tormented me for decades. Fighting the inevitable rarely creates an outcome different than the one destined to be.
Ended up taking a partial day off work today due to my issues. Actually I have done this several times in the last few weeks. I just don’t know how to react anymore. Trapped between a brain fading and having to pretend I am ok in the real world and then in the middle is the shriveled up mess consisting of me.
I suppose that decides it then, Maintaining is my short, long and only goal.
To have any others doesn’t make any sense to me.
Adding up the facts equals the one end result.
I suppose on the bodily pain front . The one that is currently in the lead is the arm, hand and wrists.
Quite regularly can’t control my grip. It’s getting extremely embarrassing repeatedly dropping tools and parts in front of customers. Drop it, pick it up, drop it , pick it up. Over and over.
Climbing up and down ladders, climbing in and out of machines. Crawling , stooping under machines. Body screaming, yet pretending everything is okay. No pain, no issues.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami sympathises with your body pain ❤
