Ramblings 3

I have had another that I was able to hold onto for awhile. With as many people with the struggles we have, we are the neighbors across the hall, across the street, down the block. The people that nobody notices, people don’t have any interest in truly knowing the people around them, and/or trying to understand them. 

I feel for you, as I know how it feels, there are many different reasons , why it happens. But all you can do , is make the best of the good days, and hope that the bad ones, are not too bad,

As for the others around me I don’t have a clue about them. I am the strange old man in the neighborhood. The one people cross the street to get away from. 

It’s just that I wonder if you came across someone like me, rarely seen outside of the house, non-social, eye contact non-existent, fat, old, never has company. Would you go the extra mile to try and get to know me/them? Be honest. 

I would venture a guess that you would not try to even approach them. Maybe wave or smile at them then quietly go about your day. Yet here the support and caring comes raining down, Yes that is very important and needed. That is one of the many things that makes this community so special. 

In my little place in this world hidden under my baggage mountain, I stumble on these strange questions and to me for whatever reason, my logic makes sense. 

In this day and age, trust and safety are really lacking in the public sphere. So actually trying to help someone can be a not so positive experience.

I don’t know why that last bit got under my skin. The facts are that the majority of people don’t get involved. They will talk and judge without getting the true facts and trying to understand. 

The ones who do care and try are seriously under appreciated. Which in turn makes them turn away and lose all ambition to even try.  The uninhibited degradation from a lot of people is taking its toll. 

Why do I seem to only be able to latch onto the strange/unusual/unimportant thoughts. Out of what seems like hundreds racing around, I seem to latch onto the ones that most people could care less about . The facts , positive or negative, don’t matter. 

One thing then another and another. It’s never ending. I suppose if it didn’t keep piling on that would mean I was no longer able to react. However poorly I do.

Day to day the same flipping way. Too many years of struggling to even get out of bed. If I don’t have to go to work then there is a high probability I won’t even try. 

Even work is not enough motivation or reason anymore. 

 I don’t know of any reason good or bad  that is truly any important reason that I should try and do just that one simple thing. Ok, there is the bathroom and maybe eating but otherwise, nothing. 

I just threw a lot of dishes away because I couldn’t motivate to wash them. I will probably do the same again before long. 

I don’t even go outside to enjoy the few months of sunshine and warm weather because I don’t even want to see other people, or have them see me. 

The seeing me part is completely in my screwed up head. I am ashamed of everything regarding me. My laundry list of issues and struggles, the way I live-alone with no friends or family, the way I live-hidden from everyone and everything, how I look-partly due to weight mainly due to the gender thing and the fact what is presented on the outside is in no way representative of the inside, the shame of my belief that whatever they say or think about me while not knowing anything about me is probably better than what they would say or think if they did know me. 

That is probably why I still despise having my picture taken. 

I don’t even care enough to fix or replace  what breaks in my home, there is no reason to. I probably will order replacement via my phone, but those things sit here and don’t get installed, all in all simple projects just don’t seem worth it to accomplish. 

There are those that say doing those things helps make you feel alive. I feel alive because I still experience the daily struggles of just existing much less the other issues I am burdened with. I get reminded that I am still alive when a new issue is added to my baggage. 

If I could get the motivation, strength and courage I would maybe try and locate someone to handle the simple task of mowing and trimming my yard, so I wouldn’t have to be out in public. 

I would probably do the same regarding in my home also but my issues completely prevent that from ever happening. The self shame is definitely prevalent. 

I know things are only headed one direction, between the progressive body pains, mental issues and the brain going on the fritz, I am destined for life of relying on strangers to care for my needs. Adding myself to that list of people that make them regret their desire to voluntarily care for others. Hopefully, I will be polite to them and not rude and mean. 

Which makes me wonder if when my brain does shut off does that mean that all my mental issues get erased too?

If that is the case then the only solution for my issues is for me to hope that my brain goes completely.