Ramblings 3

I am to the point that I think that the best thing to happen right now would be something along the lines of spinal fusion surgery. That would solidify several points in question. My work, possibly employment would have to change, Which has an issue within itself, which is not relevant right now. I would probably be forced to apply for some kind of disability, whether part of full. I am drifting in thoughts so done for now.

Surgery I am still convinced that would be the better scenario. My body is rapidly fading and my physical ability to do my job has also struggled. The one person at my work that is aware of a good portion of things regarding my issues . By far not everything but more than I am comfortable with. They are about 10 years older and do try to do the tasks that I struggle with. At least when I am at the shop. When I am on the road working I am on my own. Jobs are taking me longer than usual to complete because my ability to move freely is really starting to limit speed. Plus the brain flickers are starting to become more and more obvious. That job is still what I know and until now I’ve been able to do my job.

So I am close to actually saying that I am hoping that what they find and determine is spinal fusion surgery. If it is less than that and pain can mostly be eliminated I would be stubborn and continue doing this job that is very stressful on an older body.

I may be looking at this from the darkness and maybe my preexisting issues are helping to convince myself that this is the best short term outcome. My body is already struggling from the abuse it has taken from my life. So this would be just another day as far as that is concerned. I just don’t handle pain at all anymore. So the physical struggle will probably be rough.

I attempted to take a few items to the garage and hang up. Trying to see if I might be able to go to work tomorrow at least for a while. I am kind of getting a little bit used to the pain. The items I took out were only about 14 pounds each. Light compared to a lot of other things handled at work . 4 items 4 trips . They are load binders so a little awkward but normally no issues. My lower back has been hurting all day. But it really woke up after I picked up the second one . By the time I hung up that one both legs and lower back found another octave to scream in. I forced myself to take the other two, one at a time. And hang them up. Then when I was trying to turn around I lifted my left leg up a little and tried to turn my leg stayed on the ground. It did that this morning when I showered but I put it out thinking I imagined it. But it seems the more I try and push through the pain no matter how severe the worse this thing is hindering me. I managed, somehow to stay upright coming back in and up the stairs and back into bed.

Trigger warning for SI…suicidal ideation and similar things

I don’t like writing about my own thoughts and experiences here. But right now with where I am at physically and mentally, lower and lower by the minute. No friends (except the few here) no family no support, I am sure I have mentioned a time or ten my lifetime of dealing with those darkest of thoughts. I had thoughts in early grade school, I acted on those thoughts also, I knew what my intentions were I just didn’t understand the methods. Every morning when I wake, several times throughout the day and my thoughts in bed at night. Sprinkle in intermixed thoughts throughout the rest of the time. I have even had dreams/nightmares consisting of those thoughts. Nearly fifty years of this barrage of thoughts that are at the very core of my being. To just suffer with this alone is near impossible to stave off once in awhile much less nearly all the time. Add in severe depression, multiple anxiety issues including panic attacks. Childhood trauma, possible CTE, brain flickers, and many other mental issues. On top of that add in a body giving up after years of abuse,(broken bones, that kind of thing) some kind of spinal issue creating to the moon extent of pain, that seems to have a more than likely chance of creating a complete lifestyle change. Think of all that battling inside my head, being bedridden and in turn being trapped with my own thoughts, unable try and distract by working or doing something physical. To lay there hour after hour, day after day, struggling with so much and still trying to minimize the glow of those darkest of thoughts. To literally lie to myself about why that is not a solution, when the few things keeping me grounded are getting pulled from me. That battle is real as anything can get, and nearly fifty years of this battle inside, has brought me to this point, war torn and shattered. I am “safe” as far as that goes, but I am far from ok. As I wrote this , I lived it and I don’t know how I made it this long in the darkness all alone.

Whatever it was that got me to this point , is completely depleted. I am not prepared for what lies ahead, I am scared and afraid of this complete unknown that I now find myself in.

I think the most difficult thing right now is the fact that I have no control of my life right now, I can’t even do enough physical activity to distract myself from my thoughts. The paid in control, and I keep being stubborn and trying to do physical activity and my body keeps upping the level of reminders regarding who’s in charge.

What is the worst thing that could happen if I pushed past the pain for an extended period of time. Longer period of time before pain starts to ease? Permanent Nerve damage ? Muscle damage? Or is it possible that doing so could push it way past spinal fusion to permanent spinal damage?

I may not be able to make my mind not feel the pain but I think I can keep pushing and get back to some physical activity for thought distraction.

Left leg still tingling and numbness, lower back is hurting but it is right around the spine area upper spine pain right at spine.

went to bathroom and when I stood up left leg pain skyrocketed.

Since the previous post I’ve managed to stay in bed and only get up for bathroom. Lower back pain is like it’s a ball of pain at the spine, left leg numbness and pain in the knee area. Level is for the most part mild to moderate. Usual elevation in pain while sitting and getting up from toilet.

Laying here and I am wondering how @Tinywhisper11 is.

I can’t begin to understand what she’s going through. I am worried about her. I can’t explain why, but I have this strange

feeling that she is in need of a lot of support right now.