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Ramblings 3

Iamwhoiamwhoami December 31st, 2023

Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 28th

I am to the point that I think that the best thing to happen right now would be something along the lines of spinal fusion surgery. That would solidify several points in question. My work, possibly employment would have to change, Which has an issue within itself, which is not relevant right now. I would probably be forced to apply for some kind of disability, whether part of full. I am drifting in thoughts so done for now.

Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 28th

Surgery I am still convinced that would be the better scenario. My body is rapidly fading and my physical ability to do my job has also struggled. The one person at my work that is aware of a good portion of things regarding my issues . By far not everything but more than I am comfortable with. They are about 10 years older and do try to do the tasks that I struggle with. At least when I am at the shop. When I am on the road working I am on my own. Jobs are taking me longer than usual to complete because my ability to move freely is really starting to limit speed. Plus the brain flickers are starting to become more and more obvious. That job is still what I know and until now I’ve been able to do my job.

So I am close to actually saying that I am hoping that what they find and determine is spinal fusion surgery. If it is less than that and pain can mostly be eliminated I would be stubborn and continue doing this job that is very stressful on an older body.

I may be looking at this from the darkness and maybe my preexisting issues are helping to convince myself that this is the best short term outcome. My body is already struggling from the abuse it has taken from my life. So this would be just another day as far as that is concerned. I just don’t handle pain at all anymore. So the physical struggle will probably be rough.

Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

I attempted to take a few items to the garage and hang up. Trying to see if I might be able to go to work tomorrow at least for a while. I am kind of getting a little bit used to the pain. The items I took out were only about 14 pounds each. Light compared to a lot of other things handled at work . 4 items 4 trips . They are load binders so a little awkward but normally no issues. My lower back has been hurting all day. But it really woke up after I picked up the second one . By the time I hung up that one both legs and lower back found another octave to scream in. I forced myself to take the other two, one at a time. And hang them up. Then when I was trying to turn around I lifted my left leg up a little and tried to turn my leg stayed on the ground. It did that this morning when I showered but I put it out thinking I imagined it. But it seems the more I try and push through the pain no matter how severe the worse this thing is hindering me. I managed, somehow to stay upright coming back in and up the stairs and back into bed.

Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

Trigger warning for SI…suicidal ideation and similar things



I don’t like writing about my own thoughts and experiences here. But right now with where I am at physically and mentally, lower and lower by the minute. No friends (except the few here) no family no support, I am sure I have mentioned a time or ten my lifetime of dealing with those darkest of thoughts. I had thoughts in early grade school, I acted on those thoughts also, I knew what my intentions were I just didn’t understand the methods. Every morning when I wake, several times throughout the day and my thoughts in bed at night. Sprinkle in intermixed thoughts throughout the rest of the time. I have even had dreams/nightmares consisting of those thoughts. Nearly fifty years of this barrage of thoughts that are at the very core of my being. To just suffer with this alone is near impossible to stave off once in awhile much less nearly all the time. Add in severe depression, multiple anxiety issues including panic attacks. Childhood trauma, possible CTE, brain flickers, and many other mental issues. On top of that add in a body giving up after years of abuse,(broken bones, that kind of thing) some kind of spinal issue creating to the moon extent of pain, that seems to have a more than likely chance of creating a complete lifestyle change. Think of all that battling inside my head, being bedridden and in turn being trapped with my own thoughts, unable try and distract by working or doing something physical. To lay there hour after hour, day after day, struggling with so much and still trying to minimize the glow of those darkest of thoughts. To literally lie to myself about why that is not a solution, when the few things keeping me grounded are getting pulled from me. That battle is real as anything can get, and nearly fifty years of this battle inside, has brought me to this point, war torn and shattered. I am “safe” as far as that goes, but I am far from ok. As I wrote this , I lived it and I don’t know how I made it this long in the darkness all alone.

Whatever it was that got me to this point , is completely depleted. I am not prepared for what lies ahead, I am scared and afraid of this complete unknown that I now find myself in.


Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

I think the most difficult thing right now is the fact that I have no control of my life right now, I can’t even do enough physical activity to distract myself from my thoughts. The paid in control, and I keep being stubborn and trying to do physical activity and my body keeps upping the level of reminders regarding who’s in charge.

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

Correction… the pain is in control

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

What is the worst thing that could happen if I pushed past the pain for an extended period of time. Longer period of time before pain starts to ease? Permanent Nerve damage ? Muscle damage? Or is it possible that doing so could push it way past spinal fusion to permanent spinal damage?


I may not be able to make my mind not feel the pain but I think I can keep pushing and get back to some physical activity for thought distraction.

Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

Left leg still tingling and numbness, lower back is hurting but it is right around the spine area upper spine pain right at spine.

went to bathroom and when I stood up left leg pain skyrocketed.

Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

Laying in any position is not working. Laying on back makes lower back pain worse but it currently feels like a ball of pain.. I can’t think of better words to describe it. Left leg pain and numbness.

Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

Since the previous post I’ve managed to stay in bed and only get up for bathroom. Lower back pain is like it’s a ball of pain at the spine, left leg numbness and pain in the knee area. Level is for the most part mild to moderate. Usual elevation in pain while sitting and getting up from toilet.

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 July 29th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami you've suffered so much, for so long. And each thought, each day, you've been fighting your own war. And everytime you have won the battle, and continued to push through ❤❤ I understand I really do, that it's all so much happening right now and it's terrifying, whatever happens I want you to know that I'm so proud of you for holding on so long, I'm proud of you for always being true to yourself, I'm proud of how your handling the pain, ❤ it's not fair you've had to go through all this, and I can only hope and pray that things go well for you ❤ my friend your always in my thoughts ❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

Laying here and I am wondering how @Tinywhisper11 is.

I can’t begin to understand what she’s going through. I am worried about her. I can’t explain why, but I have this strange

feeling that she is in need of a lot of support right now.

10 replies
Tinywhisper11 July 29th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami thanks for thinking about me and worrying ❤🙂 your very sweet ❤ I'm not gonna lie, I'm not doing great, and I don't know how to get through this pain, shame guilt, the memories of watching helplessly as they took his life. I don't know how to do this, how to get through this😥

9 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

@Tinywhisper11


The only thing I have to offer is a shoulder to cry on, a pair of listening ears, and my friendship . I would gladly take all your grief and pain and merge it with my own.

I invite you to come here and write whatever you need to , I will listen with an open heart and mind. I am here for you. I don’t have answers or solutions, but I do have your hand in mine .

8 replies
Tinywhisper11 July 29th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 🙂❤ thank you ❤ but I'm not even sure what to say, I'm feeling like my brain is a bit numb right now


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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

@Tinywhisper11


What is important is you ! No words are necessary. I am here if you need me.

6 replies
Tinywhisper11 July 29th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ❤❤❤ I'm not in the best place right now, but I'm trying

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

@Tinywhisper11


That is the most important thing… Keep trying. I will be here patiently waiting for you to reach out if you need me.

4 replies
Tinywhisper11 July 29th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami trigger warning, death. ..... When I have birth to him, I was only 10 🤔 possibly 11 years old, we were both put  in the cage together, he was so beautiful, his tiny hands and toes, his big blue eyes, he was just perfect🙂 I got to hold him the rest of the day and all night holding him close to me to keep him warm. He was just so precious ❤ then the next morning we were taken to the torture rooms. I will never forget his little screams, his cries in pain, I failed him, I failed as a mother. I didn't protect him. I will never forgive myself, and I'm not sure he could ever forgive me either😥 it breaks my heart, I wish things were different😥😥

3 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

There are no words I could ever say that would ease your suffering. However, I firmly believe that you didn’t fail him, You were in an extremely horrible situation. I firmly believe that as for forgiveness he already did that the day you gave birth to him and looked lovingly into his big blue eyes and carressed his tiny hands and toes. He knows how deep and warm your love is. Someday I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself like he did with his first breath.

Iamwhoiamwhoami OP July 29th

I wish things were different as well. I am picturing wrapping you up in a big warm comforting embrace.

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 July 29th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami thankyou ❤❤ I'm gonna try to to sleep now, the tears have been falling for hours now, I've worn myself out.

I hope you get some relief from the pain tonight, hugs you tightly ❤ 

thanks for being there for me ❤ I love you ❤

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