Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
I am on my 3rd pain pill and I am extremely drowsy, and my pin is currently in lower back and left leg mainly knee area. But I have been laying down for about two hours. I think I took the pill a little early .
@Iamwhoiamwhoami how do people cope with constant pain, that is unbearable and mental health on top of that, well I'm not sure how others cope. But me I pray, I talk to God, just like you did in your one message ❤ I also spend a lot of time on this site. Supporting others and also using my humour to try make people smile and feel loved, makes me happy in return. Also I do a lot of art and crafts 😁 and even poetry lately. But here on this site helps the most, knowing someone hears you and cares, is sometimes all we need ❤
I don't know if your religious in any way, but honey from what I've read, you did nothing wrong to deserve any of this. And I believe God hears your cries for help ❤
spinal surgery is definitely scary, not knowing the outcome of all of this is definitely terrifying, but the doctors know what they are doing, so please just try to put your trust in them ok?
as for the future, it's not worth thinking about until it happens. (Again that's easier said than done) but one day at a time ❤ I really really hope they hurry up and give you the mri scan. With stuff like this I would think it would be done as quickly as possible. And as from this moment on I'm holding your hand, when you need me just squeeze your hand and know that I'm squeezing back. So when your having the mrI scan, I'll be with you do you won't be so scared ❤
I'm no doctor, but try maybe using hot water bottle on the most painful part, walking and pushing yourself could do more damage, I know it's hard but try not to push yourself. And may be instead of lieing down constantly, sit up straight when you can, put your pillows against your wall/headboard that will help hopefully ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I reserve the right to fully respond a little later. For now I am just going to say Thank You. I am not very good with emojis or ??gifs?? Otherwise I would send you one, As I wrote that I realized that the only one that resonates the most for this moment is the ??gif?? Of the reaching out and holding hands, the black and white one. Thank you.
@Tinywhisper11
I have tried sitting, sitting up in bed, sitting in chair, even office chair and rolling stools. Up until last week, sitting actually helped immensely. Then it seemed like a switch was flipped and it all became unbearable. Sitting aggravates it, I even force myself while laying down to contort to some goofy positions that aggravate it but trying to stretch things a little and stay that way for a bit in hopes that this position will help stretch the pain away . I have a lower end adjustable bed and I have to keep the head elevated due to acid reflux issues, and I am trying to do what I can to get by yet the not knowing what is causing this I am scared of making it a lot worse than my stubbornness already has. Turn or twist the wrong way and then I push it past the point of no return.
I’m a little afraid to move too much , for the moment the pain is minimal, possibly resting for its next onslaught. Mainly a throbbing just above the left knee and towards the right side , a new place it has chosen, but I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth, It is enough to keep my mind very aware of it but not enough to make me scream in agony.
The recognition “awards” this community does is a great thing, but for myself I don’t remember a lot of things. I am so wrapped up in the blackness that I live in that when the opportunity arises for me to participate and nominate those who have been supportive and giving, I am unable to properly express myself in the way that they deserve. I am forced to try and scroll back through my writings and refresh my thoughts regarding these wonderful people. Listeners and members alike have reached out to me with support and encouragement, I try to express my genuine gratitude and let them know I am appreciative and grateful of them when they do reach out. I have failed to do so quite often and I feel ashamed of that.
Even though I am lost in my world of darkness, I read these messages that people send in response to my writings and they do reach me, and occasionally they strike something inside of me that I have no words for but It’s almost like I can feel those words. Doesn’t make sense but I can’t think of a better description. There is no magic cure or answers for my situation, I don’t expect any. But knowing that there are at least a few here that have managed to approach my darkness not allowing there bright illumination to be overshadowed and let me know I am not alone and that they are still here trying to help in the best way they can.
I consider those who have been there for me my heroes. I will never be able to truly express their importance to me.
Thank you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami you have alot of love in your heart, and you always let people know your thankful for their responses ❤ you got friends here, and friends who understand and care about you. ❤ I'm never gonna go anywhere, I don't care if you can't remember me. Cause I can remember you, my friend I love dearly. I hope the painkillers start helping you, and I hope you can get some sleep through all the pain. Hugs you tightly ❤
I forgot my doctors office isn’t open on Fridays. This is going to be an extremely long few days then still waiting Monday for news on MRI appointment.
So I’m guessing I will be continuing my ramblings at a similar pace to what I have been the last few days
@Iamwhoiamwhoami you can do this ❤ we are here for you ❤
I just woke up from my after nap nap. I had this out of the ordinary dream. Something about me running down some road or path and breathing really strangely while being chased by some stranger and then I am running on this path that feels so familiar and the surroundings are so familiar yet I can’t describe them I just kind of felt it while I was dreaming it, then this narrow path goes along the edge of a steep cliff and I started to continue to run and abruptly turned around in fear of heights and collapsed in a ball in front of someone’s steps? Flowerbed? Then some big animal ran up on me and I curled up tighter and it “caressed” my neck and that is when I woke up. Even for the screwed up dreams/nightmares I have that was weird. But even awake that scenery, the path along some ?houses? Then along a cliff , where I abruptly collapse in fear of heights . That all seems so familiar.
I guess just more proof I my mind is starting to chime the sanity bells
@Iamwhoiamwhoami dreams are strange, and sometimes really scary. I don't know if they mean anything, a lot of people believe they do. What do you think?
@Tinywhisper11
I don’t know what or if they mean anything. I have wondered if these dreams/nightmares are somehow the picture show of the thoughts racing and bouncing around in my head. Those times when I am able to close my eyes and “sleep” my overthinking is on pause, so all the things bouncing around and intermixing reflect on something and create a picture show or movie. Never making sense, just giving glimpses of how messed up my mind is.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami not mixed up, just special ❤
I have just reinforced the fact that I am a stubborn idiot. Since I have been trapped in this stupid bed because of this pain and I needed to try and do something. I decided to force myself to try and ignore the pain and put a couple of metal pegboard panels up in my garage. Another project that I have not completed . They are only about 16 inches by 30 inches I think. Anyway, I had already gotten the shooting pains back in the leg and back before I even started, but I decided I am going to try and do it anyway. I have a battery operated screw gun/ impact driver to run in the screws and it’s only 6 screws per panel. The section of wall I was going to try and finish involves two more panels with the top of the panels just above waist high and side by side. I installed the first two screws in the top of the first panel not screaming yet. But the fun was just beginning, back pain and leg pain (whose bright idea was it to do this?) and bending/squatting to run the other 4 screws in, plus I kept dropping the screws and having to retrieve them. One panel up and one to go, I got the panel installed, but I have no idea right now how crooked it is. I literally crawled back up the few steps into the house and drug myself up and into bed , I am an idiot!
When I look at this bottle of pain medicine I really want to just throw it across the room, and what is stopping me? The fact that it would make me cry from the pain of doing so , plus my luck would be that the lid would pop off and I would have to painfully pick up the pills. I don’t think I am going to continue with the pain medication. It is not helping at all and other than the fact it increases my drowsiness and I have an increased opportunity to nap more often to whittle away time, it is not worth the risk of addiction.
I know I have stated it before but it is something that does weigh on me. I feel so guilty and selfish for the constant negativity and whining about my little issues, I have it made compared to a lot of other people. For the time being I still have a job that I am physically incapable of doing right now, the pains I feel are minuscule in comparison to a lot of others. The fact that I know my darkness is my future keeps me in a place I am familiar, where as others have the added interaction with loved ones and the day to day worries , basically I think that loved ones and friends and having a connection to that beautiful side of living makes the daily struggles that much harder. That probably doesn’t make sense to anyone but me.
It just dawned on me that this latest nonsense is really literally draining my physical strength. The screw gun I was using is not much more than a pound and it actually was a struggle lifting and maneuvering it around and the panels are light yet the same thing they felt like 50 pound bricks. Even pushing myself up out of bed is beginning to become difficult.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hey! Well done on putting those boards up ❤ that's a huge achievement. And pain is actually really physically draining. Mentally to, your mind is constantly on the pain and trying to block it, and your body is working hard trying to fight back the pain. So yeah it's normal to get much weaker ❤ at the moment I can't use my manual wheelchair, because the pain is so bad, I'm to weak to move the chair around. So now I am using the wheelchair with the electric controls on the arm rest. So I know it's like looking a part of your freedom. It sucks doesn't it
@Tinywhisper11
When I think about you, and everything that you are, the wonderful, beautiful, person who against all odds continues to inspire others. Even when you have an extremely difficult time, you still continue to try, When I think about you I become ashamed of myself for not being able to keep trying, not being able to try and see anything positive in myself.
I am scared of being in this new scenario alone and I don’t have the strength to do it. I am ashamed of voicing this while You are fighting through this similar situation and have been for a long time. It’s not about the simple facts individually, it is about the facts put together hand in hand. I am proud to say that you have been an amazing part of my journey thus far. Thank you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww honey, never feel ashamed of saying how you feel. everyone is different, all our brains are unique, that's why we will never truly understand anyone. So try not to compare your struggles with anyone else. I love you for being honest, for expressing your true feelings ❤ I love you friend ❤