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Eva’s Crazy Mind

justmeeva January 21st
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i’ve wanted to make a forum post like that for quite a while now, but never brought myself to actually make it. here i will write up all sorts of thoughts and vents, everything i need to get off my mind. it’s not gonna be positive or motivational, not even close. i personally don’t recommend reading it just because it doesn’t help lol. you’re welcome to read, replies are okay, just be aware that it’s gonna be a pretty dark place. i don’t usually ask for help despite telling everybody to. idk why. i’m not a very good example of what’s right to do. TW just in case, not planning to go that far but who knows. 

i’m making myself this space because sometimes you can feel lonely while being surrounded by a million people and that’s nobody’s fault.

best wishes to you. ❤️

3570
unassumingEyes March 26th
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@unassumingEyes look at that. I spent 3mins waiting for this to post. And then the whole page reloaded. And then i saw thaf it had already posted AND was hearted. Like...

Why xD

justmeeva OP March 26th
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@unassumingEyes 

wow- you gotta have so much patience for that i would’ve like built my own wifi thingie if it was like that every day- /lh

unassumingEyes March 26th
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@justmeeva i hv no choice but to endure🤭🤭

LoveMyMoonflowers March 26th
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@justmeeva

how’s evabuddybeanie feeling today? :o 💜 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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@LoveMyMoonflowers 

mm mixed, sometimes eh sometimes okay, rn i'm distracting myself so i'm okay <3

LoveMyMoonflowers March 26th
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@justmeeva

me understand that. 💜 if it okie to ask, distracting self from what, eva bean? /nfta :o 💙 me hopes you’re safes friend :') *sends more huggies* 💜 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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@LoveMyMoonflowers 

just.. thoughts.. emotions.. the usual stuff. i'm okay rn, nothing big. 🩷

LoveMyMoonflowers March 26th
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@justmeeva

i get that yeah… :') Tbh i do that all the time… most of the time too i think. 💙 *thinking…* 💜 

LoveMyMoonflowers March 26th
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@justmeeva

ni friend has to get back to studying :') me will be in and out, peeking at cupsies in between but hopefully i’ll do more studying than cupsing lmao 🙈🤭😜

justmeeva OP March 26th
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@LoveMyMoonflowers 

okie, good luck ni frenn 🩷

LoveMyMoonflowers March 26th
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@justmeeva

*eats the luck* nom nom nom 😋🍀 /jk

justmeeva OP March 26th
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this feeling when you’re like actually kinda okay, but deep down you could easily have a breakdown if you wanted to. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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emotions are a big mystery to me. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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when we talk, i like to believe i’m the only one for you, even if i know i’m not. i like to fool myself into thinking i’m anything special, though that’s just how you talk to any other person. just for that one moment, i like to think i’m the only one. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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i closed my eyes and all there was was darkness. all black. then, i saw a tiny bit of light. it was a warm tone, like the light of a candle. it kept flickering for about a minute, and then, it started decreasing. it was getting smaller and smaller, until there was a dark blue ring around it. the dark ring got bigger slowly, the light getting smaller. it was like the light was just being consumed by a black hole. until.. there was no light at all. complete darkness again. a sign?

justmeeva OP March 26th
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remember that little light? i think mine’s gone. @LoveMyMoonflowers

LoveMyMoonflowers March 28th
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@justmeeva

yk… i think it’s ok to feel like our lights are gone. i think it’s ok to feel like they have dimmed :') or to feel like… we don’t feel like shining right now. it’s okay to feel these things. it’s human. 💙 it’s real, it’s valid, it’s okay. 💙 

it’s okay to sit in the dark sometimes. but i know that oftentimes sitting in the dark is a lonely experience. :') we may be in the darkness and feel comfy in the dark but it’s also so lonely sometimes isn’t it? :') it feels cold. 💙 

eva beanie… when you’re not okie… friend, you are still you. and me knows sometimes we feel like, maybe not been sometimes, maybe it’s most of the time or all the time - but we might feel like we don’t even know who we are. it’s confusing. :') “who are you…” that can be such a confusing, strange, alien question. like… what does that even mean. :') 

but me thinks, not okie-eva beanie, okie-eva beanie, pretending-to-be-okie eva beanie, depressed-eva beanie, overwhelmed eva-beanie… even when the world is too much, and things in your life, everything seems wrong and crazy and messy and it’s just too much… 😞 even when you don’t feel that light in you anymore, when you don’t see it… that doesn’t mean it isn’t there anymore. :') i see it, eva beanie, and i feel it, always. even when i read the posts in your diary thread and i see that, life is indeed hard, and you’ve been hurting and you’ve been struggling, even amid it all, i know that eva beanie’s light is still there. 💙 some days, it may be shining brightly. but other days, it may be hiding and that’s okay. 💙 even the stars aren’t *always* peeking through the sky and shining their light. sometimes they hide too. sometimes our light hides and we just want to sit in the dark because it’s a little more familiar and a little comfier :') and that’s okay. *sits with you* 💙 

i’m not sure if my words made any sense at all, but… yeah. :') 💙

justmeeva OP March 28th
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@LoveMyMoonflowers 

it made sense, and it was beautiful. i don’t have many words rn lol but i know that i want to thank you. thank you thank you thank you. 🩷

LoveMyMoonflowers March 28th
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@justmeeva

*hugs if okay* 💙 i meant those words. you’re special to me, you mean lots to me and i love you friend. 💙 

LoveMyMoonflowers March 28th
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dude i just realised my typo. “even” not “been” smh @_@ 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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i can forgive but i never forget. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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made another *** memory today that i’ll have to try and forget. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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the night’s really getting to my head lol. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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but in a way.. that darkness is comforting. it’s like.. home. once you don’t resist it, it becomes your home. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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now that i think about it, my home, the physical building, never gave me that kind of home feeling. i don’t even remember.. ever.. being excited to go home really. strange, isn’t it. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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ok that scenario was.. dark. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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i’m no strangers with unkind thoughts but that one surprised even me-

justmeeva OP March 26th
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and it’s way too ..much.. for cups. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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isn’t is cool when your mind constantly keeps telling you something bad’s about to happen to you. 
justmeeva OP March 26th
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*** hate typos. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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got a flashback but somehow managed to avoid it enough and it went away. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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crisis averted.. for now

justmeeva OP March 26th
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“just be yourself”

“……?”

justmeeva OP March 26th
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don’t know how to explain it but i have no.. self. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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my brain just told me things i’d include in a goodbye letter. 

..?

justmeeva OP March 26th
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also why are goodbyes called ‘goodbye’s. there are literally no *** good byes. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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funny how my mom has more plans for my future than i do. 

justmeeva OP March 26th
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if i even have a future..

justmeeva OP March 26th
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i can literally feel being drained.

justmeeva OP March 26th
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like all life was simply just drained out of me.