Eva’s Crazy Mind

@justmeeva

🥺 Eva

“i told you once, i can’t do this again.”

when people are in pain physically, like because of an illness, and they want the pain to stop and go already, it’s okay. it’s sad but it’s valid. when people are in pain mentally, which sometimes, or often, actually, involves pain physically one way or another, you’re suddenly a monster, sick in the head, insane, stupid, the one to be blamed for it. go seek help, get better, everything will be fine. you just wait, it’ll get better. who says that? sure there have been people who have overcome depression but there are also so many people who haven’t. not everyone is hopeless but not everyone experiences depression the same way and not everyone has the same reasons for it. why is mental pain less valid than physical pain? why is mental illness less valid than some other medical illness? they tell you there are other ways, to just wait and see, time will heal, you will heal, everything will be okay. sure, i have time, but it’s not for healing. my time is spent for school or socialising that’s forced on me or doing something with family that if i’m honest i don’t really want to do, or going through things in my mind and trying to sort out my thoughts or emotions and whether i even have any left, or just simply trying to cope with my own existence. i don’t even know what healing means. i don’t even know what i have to heal from. i don’t even think i’ve finished going through the things i’m supposed to be healing from. 

*sigh*.

i don’t even know how to end this.. thought. maybe some things just can’t be cured. maybe some people just can’t be fixed. maybe i’m one of those people. everybody just can’t be saved. 

@justmeeva

Because there is nothing wrong with Eva 🥺 Eva is having painful memories & suffering but it does not mean that there is anything wrong, Eva simply needs to be understood, & me, Soul 🐭, Eyes 👀, Flow will stay with Eva 🥺

@VictoriaLove7 Hey cud u guide me on how to make the text white since i think thats how eva would prefer it but cant quite figure out how to?

thanks :)

n may i know ur pronouns if ur comfortable with that question

@flowlikewater07

Hi Flow \(^-^)/ to make the text white, you need to type the text  first in a black color. When you have finished typing, highlight the text by putting the cursor at the beginning of your text, then press & highlight the whole text you wrote, then choose the white font color ☺

my pronoun is she/her/hers ☺

@justmeeva

Eva all forms of pain are valid, and you are right people tend to be more ignorant and playing it down when they cant see it as a physical manifestation with their eyes. 

As for not having figured out everything you need to heal from and how to do it while balancing your school your family yes that sounds like a lotta work hun. Imagine it like a yarn that is completely tangled. If all the threads are pulled out at once then it doesn't untangle it, but if you slowly go one thread by another, fixing one knot after another, you will be able to detangle it a bit more day by day. Thats how healing sometimes can look like, thats what figuring out wt to heal from and how to heal looks like. I know your life is much more complicated than some grandmother's yarn and that can be overwhelming. I guess whenever a trigger pops up or smtg happens deal with one thing one by one.

Journalling may help with unpacking it. here's a few prompts u cud try answering for each event or issue-

1. What actually happened? If a third person with no context was narrating this
2. How did i interpret it as given the fact that i have a life worth of experiences and context 
3. How did it make me feel?
4. What would i say to a friend who answered the previous three questions the way i did?
5. Whats just one single thing thats good or even okayish in my life rn? Cud be an online friend, or your lungs working or a good weather if thats where u wanna start at

And yes, life is meant to be lived not survived i remember u saying smtg similar in a post. But hun healing is living. You are not damaged goods, you are a work in progress. No state of self is permanent, we all have to work on, horrible things to cry at for days and at some point eat good chocolate ice cream laugh and stop crying over. Living is laughing with people, living is listening to beautiful music, living is reading a great book, but living is also crying cuz u feel pain so deeply, living is also feeling like you cant go on another day and yet living one more just one more day.

All of us here are proud of u, and are rooting for u and praying for u to whoever we believe in.

Also song recommendation- Damage by Caleb Hearn

And Eva if ur seeing this can u tell me a song u like or an artist u like?

With warmth and love,
A well wisher

@justmeeva No it's not ok. They want the pain to stop yes but that's often all they want. They try to get help. Give them a pill to make it stop or surgery. This ultimate end is usually after any and all other option have been exhausted. You have other options Eva. 

@justmeeva hi eva ❤️ i agree with what the others have all said, but i wanted to emphasize a few things. That pain is incomparable, that inevitably when you try to compare pain you are invalidating a certain form of it, that you have every right and reason to think and feel like that, and that at the most basic basic level, pain- any type, any form- is a warning that something is wrong. Not with you. With the situation. Not at all with you.

As always, i dont have a solution. Flow has some tips, maybe try anything you havent yet? But, as always, and till the end of the end of time- I'm here, and Ill wait till you feel safe enough to really be here, too. Even if you think Ill be waiting forever. Im still here. Your practically stuck with me now 🤪 

I have nothing to hide here, but light coloured text, incase thats easier for you ❤️

I said i wldnt be invading again but im in my rebellious teen phase/j 🤪 thinking of you, sending love eva 💛