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Eva’s Crazy Mind

justmeeva January 21st

i’ve wanted to make a forum post like that for quite a while now, but never brought myself to actually make it. here i will write up all sorts of thoughts and vents, everything i need to get off my mind. it’s not gonna be positive or motivational, not even close. i personally don’t recommend reading it just because it doesn’t help lol. you’re welcome to read, replies are okay, just be aware that it’s gonna be a pretty dark place. i don’t usually ask for help despite telling everybody to. idk why. i’m not a very good example of what’s right to do. TW just in case, not planning to go that far but who knows. 

i’m making myself this space because sometimes you can feel lonely while being surrounded by a million people and that’s nobody’s fault.

best wishes to you. ❤️

3580
justmeeva OP April 3rd

i thought i was already as low as i could go, but somehow i’m still falling. i can do more, it turns out. 

justmeeva OP April 4th

kinda surprised nobody has noticed yet.

justmeeva OP April 4th

gonna listen to an introduction for the next school year today, they’re gonna do some pretty big changes in our schooldays. i know what i’ll be missing then.

justmeeva OP April 4th

almost started crying in school again :’) :D

justmeeva OP April 4th

it’s funny how that one specific thing is slowly but surely taking over more and more of my mind every day. 

justmeeva OP April 4th

i feel like i’m talking absolute meaningless nonsense. like my letters don’t form words and my words don’t form sentences. idk. 

justmeeva OP April 4th

tw.

so, on that meeting introduction event. they told us about the plans they had for us, 7th, 8th and 9th graders. i’m gonna be 9th next year. theoretically. they told us about some cool things they have planned for us, that we would be able to visit other schools and everything, it sounded nice. but if you know me, anything “nice” is a red flag. it’s bad. can’t have that. this entire time, listening to the teachers, i just said in my head “i can’t be there”. they talked about study partners. no no. going somewhere with the class. no, not me. this whole *** sounded all cool and nice. difficult, but still cool and nice. i can’t have that. what else am i supposed to do, other than- ..? i can’t let myself get more *** up. i tear up when i have to say out loud that i have 0 plans for my future, don’t know *** about the school options after 9th, or who i want to be. because i haven’t thought about that. because i won’t have to. 

justmeeva OP April 4th

also. my classmates were being so disrespectful and rude to the english teacher again. i don’t understand - they can be so awesome, why do they choose to just- choose people randomly based on idk what standards, and start making fun of them or hating them? she even said that she had a difficult week, and they didn’t even care and still talked behind her back?? tf is wrong with people? how can anyone lack empathy that much? why do they take the best hearts and just- throw them away? why?

justmeeva OP April 4th

i hate jealousy. i feel terrible when i feel it sometimes. like i’m a bad person. doing something wrong. 

justmeeva OP April 4th

but then i realised. maybe it’s not jealousy. maybe it’s just.. fear. fear of abandonment. fear of replacement. or is that also what jealousy is? or does it depend on the person? idk.